NORTH KOREA- On November 23rd, the nation of North Korea was nearly engulfed by the Pacific Ocean, becoming the most recent victim to rising sea levels this year. While most scientists have attributed this natural occurrence to melting ice caps and global warming, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il begged to differ, stating that he “often looks at the water, among many other things” and “had known for months that the Ocean was preparing to invade”.

Fearing the Pacific Ocean was attempting a coup, Kim began developing nuclear weapons in the 1990’s, eventually leading up to an active missile attack on the body of water in 2011, claiming that it was a “weapons test” gone awry. Over the next year, the leader developed his weapons using the latest advances in computer and Communist child labor technologies.

Believing that his arsenal is now ready for a full scale assault on the Pacific Ocean, Kim is threatening to use nuclear force unless the water withdraws immediately from North Korea. In response to the news of his threats, former U.S. Vice President and self-proclaimed Environmental Ambassador Al Gore reported “the threats against the Pacific Ocean . . . Kim Jong Il . . . global warming . . . America”.

Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuta also condemns the North Korean leader’s actions against the Pacific, having stated, “When Kim Jong Il fires his missiles into the ocean, all whales and dolphins will eventually be killed.” Fearing that his country will lose a valuable primetime spot on Discovery Channel’s hit show “Whale Wars”, Fukuta has asked the UN to intervene on Japan’s behalf. Meanwhile, the UN is still in deliberation about both why pictures of Kim Jong Il looking at things are so intriguing and whether they will let the United States intervene for them in yet another international conflict.

CHICAGO- The citizenry of Chicago was struck with awe today as they read the lyrics to Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” that 16 year old Roland Buchanan had posted on Facebook early this morning. At 8:15 AM, students at Evanston Township High School saw Buchanan typing on his cell phone during a math lesson. “That kid is such a badass,” reported Steven, a classmate of Buchanan’s. “Nobody uses their phones during a lesson. It’s totally against the rules.” According to other sources, Buchanan was “really bored” because the lesson was “like totally suckish.” “When I read the post after class, I was blown away. Roland’s words touched my heart in a way that Edward Cullen’s never could,” stated Sarah, another classmate.

Purveyors and patrons of literature agree that Buchanan’s use of the song lyrics unlocks an aspect of words that hasn’t been seen since the time of Shakespeare. “The depth of these lyrics transcends the literal, and nearly borders upon the metaphorical,” said literary analyst Edith Schulman. “It’s as if Nirvana wrote the song so that Roland could use it to express the hardships of the average young adult in America. He really brings out the true meaning of the words.”

Others have compared Buchanan’s lyrical status to J.D. Salinger’s “Catcher in the Rye”, saying it shares the same degree of teenage angst that Holden Caulfield has at the façades and masks people in society are so often defined by. “It’s like nothing I’ve ever encountered before,” reported Katy Johnson, an English major at Northwestern University. “Until now, I had only ever read things by authors like Faulkner and Blake. These lyrics, nay, this poetry, is so full of raw emotion. It’s so… so pure.”

Johnson’s sentiments are shared by many others in the distinguished literary circles of the Chicagoland area. For his clear creative talent, Buchanan has been called “the voice of his generation” and nominated for the $100,000 Ruth Lilly Poetry Prize from the Poetry Foundation. Barnes and Noble will be hosting a reading of excerpts from Roland Buchanan’s status to help fund the ailing company and spread the joy of literary art throughout the inner city.