NEW YORK—Last week Forbes magazine published its annual list of best colleges in the United States, naming Northwestern University as the best in the Midwest. To the confusion of campus officials, however, Northwestern’s Qatar branch fell short of the University’s overall ranking, reaching only second place in the Middle Eastern nation.  The international campus, home to journalism and communication programs, fell just below the Doha Academy of Advanced Explosive Weaponry (DAAEW).  Editors at the magazine cited prospects for future graduates as the primary reason.

“Forbes is first and foremost a financial publication,” explains Michael Lowe, chief editor of the magazine, “In our rankings, the most important factors are projected future earnings and employment rates of graduates.  The NU Qatar campus exhibited poor statistics in both.”

Indeed, statistics do not lie.  At first glance, a 90% graduate-employment rate from the satellite campus seems impressive; however, of those jobs, 60% required employees to be proficient in ass-wiping, while the only requirement for 23% of the jobs is to “knowing how to make a good cup of Joe.”  In contrast, DAAEW boasts a 100% graduate-employment rate and lands alumni in positions that offer immediate real-world experience at high salaries.

“According to Gallup, people hate America more every day,” an DAAEW spokesperson cited, “and that hatred, combined with constant openings in the field of suicidal bombing, creates a booming business that allows a top-notch weapons academy to attract the best candidates around the world.”

Bob Jones, student currently enrolled in DAAEW, tells his story.  “I graduated from the Medill school of journalism and spent a year in Qatar.  But after graduation, the only place that offered me a job was Fox News.  I didn’t want to be stereotyped as that type of person, so I made a personal choice to enroll in DAAEW.  It was the best decision of my life.”

EVANSTON—Hundreds of freshmen students have voiced complaints against the inadequate time professors spend on preparations for midterm examinations.  Virgins to the quarter system, their groans reached a climax on Tuesday, when French professor Jim Levenstein announced that students would begin their oral exams two weeks ahead of schedule.

“It’s not fair,” moaned freshman Nadia Horner, a student of Professor Levenstein. “just as I’m totally getting into the class and learning some new things, he tells us we have to perform our oral tomorrow in front of everyone.”

Other departments also have early examinations.  Those enrolled in Introduction to Christianity are required to present a report on European missionary positions to the department chair in two days. Students taking Genetics and Evolution must prove their knowledge of unzipping genes to a panel of elderly male teachers tomorrow.

However, many see the underlying problem not in premature examinations, but a general lack of respect for freshmen by university faculty.  This can cause inadequate preparation and poor technique instruction. “Professors just give us the shaft for the exams,” gasped Kam Sutra (WCAS 2014), “I wouldn’t mind them coming early if they touched on our needs.  They see a freshman student as merely another notch on their desks before they leave. They give the seniors all their attention.”

“Sometimes I feel like an object,” moaned Ben Dover (Medill 2014), “they just keep going and going without even looking at us, then they leave without talking to us and don’t even say good-bye.”

When asked what advice the University has for freshmen, Megan Elektra, an academic advisor, offered the following tips: “Go to office hours, where you can get one-on-one time.  Study more.  Study all night long.  Study until you scream.”

“Remember: the professor is the dominant player in the relationship.  Satisfy his or her needs, and he or she will satisfy yours.”

NEW YORK—Last Friday, the United Nations Subcommittee on Natural Disasters released a report crediting the International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) with the recent Pakistani floods that have left 21 million homeless. The investigation cited anonymous sources in the organization, who said the disaster created “new publicity and fundraising opportunities.”

Red Cross President Jakob Kellenberger immediately accepted full responsibility for the floods. In a recent press conference, the President promised that, due to conflict-of-interest concerns, the organization would remove all staff from Pakistan. He also promised to return all monetary donations to their respectful owners.

“Unfortunately, we cannot return any donated food,” Kellenberger stated, “except whoever sent those Domino’s dessert pizzas. Those things are disgusting. However, in light of this controversy, the Red Cross will begin removing blankets, clothes, and toilet paper from the region to send back to donors.”

The report has stirred controversy in the nonprofit world. Yesterday, the International Volunteer Union President accused the ICRC of using underhanded tactics to monopolize media attention. His comments have ignited tensions in regions such as the Congo, where a group of villagers attacked their local Red Cross nurse, accusing her of fomenting civil war to advertise peace programs across the continent. Similar assaults have occurred in Uganda, Thailand, and Germany, who has accused the Red Cross of starting WWII.

Others see the tactic as a successful marketing strategy. “Look,” saids Sister Anne Ramachinov, the head of the World Health Organization’s Committee for African Research into Ebola Symptoms (WHOCARES), “people are not interested in slow suffering. The general public feels that starvation and disease happen every day, so why are those victims special?” She says her organization is currently reviewing plans to introduce the Ebola virus into the New York water system.

Recent studies support Sister Anne’s conclusion. In May 2010, before the floods, 87% of Americans agreed with the statement, “Pakistan is a shithole no one cares about.” In a new survey published after the floods, 93% of Americans agreed with the statement, “Pakistan is a shithole and we need to help.”

“If nations present the right image,” she declared, “our Savior Jesus Christ will reward them with the tools necessary for helping the poor.”