WASHINGTON – Congress has voted down the latest edition of President Obama’s jobs bill that would have legally required Americans to get jobs. The proposal was met with fierce opposition from Congressmen who would rather sit on their asses instead.

The vote has been interpreted by political analysts as a legislative act defending the rights of the lazy. Senators gave impassioned speeches about the freedom to “do absolutely nothing” and to “be a couch potato,” saying that Americans have a constitutional right to “bum around.”

“We cannot let this administration take away our right to be lazy! Laziness is as American as apple pie and television!” shouted enraged Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, a Republican.

When introducing the bill, President Obama said that he thought the best way to lower unemployment was to make it illegal to not have a job. However, this quickly caused dissent from Congress refusing giving up their right to lounge about anytime soon.

Some members of Congress argue that simply protecting the right of Americans to laze around is not enough, that they should get rid of work altogether. Unconfirmed sources report that Steve Jobs’ death was a Tea Party plot. “I looked up “jobs” on Google and this guy came up; he was the only thing standing in the way of me and my La-Z-Boy,” said a Republican senator, who wished to remain anonymous.

CHICAGO – A local fan is upset after learning no one cares that he cost the White Sox their final game of the year. When Bart Stevens, 28, snatched an easily catchable foul ball from directly above the mitt of outfielder Juan Pierre, he expected boos, thrown beer bottles, and crazed fans attempting to hurt him.

“I was waiting to get hit over the back of the head with something or to get punched by a rabid Sox supporter,” Stevens lamented. “Instead, everyone just shrugged and went back to what they were doing.”

The subdued reaction from White Sox fans is a far cry from the attention Cubs fans gave to a fan who similarly interfered. ESPN recently released the documentary Catching Hell about a Cubs fan who caught a foul ball during Game 6 of the 2003 playoffs and was subsequently stalked, harassed, and threatened by the media and fans.

“I was expecting the whole star treatment too. Movie deal, crazed fans sending death threats, reporters stalking me in the parking lot, the whole shebang,” whined Stevens.

Instead, Stevens was completely ignored. The White Sox officials told him he could try to sell the ball online for a couple of bucks.

“I’m trying to pay off my mortgage! That Cubs ball went for over $100,000. I’ve got no bids on Ebay, and it started at $1. That’s cheaper than a new ball at Walmart!” Stevens grumbled.

Even the media is not interested; ESPN refuses return his calls, and the Chicago Tribune has filed for a restraining order. The Spartan Banner, the school paper from a local high school whose students attended the game as a field trip, covered the story without mentioning Stevens.

The Flipside decided to publish this article after Stevens begged in person. The third time Stevens approached the Flipside for attention, he burst into tears, prompting one sympathetic writer to spend her coffee break on this story.

“I never would have caught this ball had I known how little people would care,” Stevens muttered. “I had planned on taunting Ozzie at a press conference, but they even took that away from me.”