THE KEG, no wait, A FRATERNITY’S BASEMENT, no wait, fuck it, I have no idea where I am – At 2:32 on Monday, Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl removed the liquor license from the Keg of Evanston and destroyed everything that was good about humanity. Tisdale cited selling alcohol to minors and the devil’s current possession of her body as reasons for her actions.

“Evanston would be just fine without Northwestern,” Tisdahl probably said during her press conference. “And since I’ve solved all the city’s other problems, especially theft, I felt it was time to shut down the Keg.”

The arthritic Evanston populace applauded Tisdahl’s decision, raising their catheters into the air in celebration. Now the city is safe, they chanted. Now I can let my grandchildren walk the street at 3 a.m., they chanted.

Somebody pass me a goddamn rum and coke.

“We were completely ready to step up our regulations and require two forms of paper or plastic identification,” said Tom Migon, former Keg owner and now homeless man who sits outside of CVS. “If we were the 9th-best college bar in the country, just imagine what going to a bar outside the top ten would be like.”

What the hell is going on? Where am I? Why does this place not feel like I’m walking through the streets of Hong Kong, but sweatier? Why isn’t there such a long wait for the bathroom that people are pissing in plastic cups? Where is the dance floor full of nerds pretending to live it up at college by randomly making out with people they cannot see?

Did they even serve alcohol at the Keg?

If there are typos, I don’t even care if I get a Medill F anymore. What reason do I have to go to Northwestern?

“We are going to address this issue and blah blah blah,” Dean of students Howard Burgwell said. I mean, what do they want from us? What am I supposed to do?

Fuck this. Now I’m going to have to buy a better fake ID.

MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN – Senior Al-Qaeda leaders admitted today that Oscar-nominated actor Mark Wahlberg would have totally kicked their asses had the stage-choreography-trained thespian been present to thwart all three simultaneous 9/11 hijackings. After Wahlberg claimed that “[the hijacking] wouldn’t have went down like it did” in a Men’s Journal interview, Al-Qaeda spokesmen ceded that years of planning and use of terror tactics would have completely unraveled in the steely, unsmiling face of the Contraband star.

According to a joint Homeland Security/Wahlberg report, after single-handedly subduing terrorists aboard LA-bound Flight 11, Wahlberg would have paused to sign autographs and discuss how he “so should’ve won [an Academy Award] for Three Kings”. As the plane’s captains positioned their cabin above Flight 175 (also LA-bound), Wahlberg would have courageously leapt from plane to plane, presumably while shirtless.

Leaving a single terrorist alive long enough for questioning, Wahlberg would have barked “WHERE IS MY WIFE?!?!?” in the hijacker’s face before remembering that he was unmarried.

At this point Wahlberg would have radioed United Flight 93, ordering hijackers to surrender or “prepare for a world of pain”. A hasty landing would be made at JFK International Airport minutes later. Wahlberg would then arrive in LA just in time to accept an Oscar for The Departed, despite the film not premiering until 2006. His acceptance speech would bring the audience to tears.

Not all Al-Qaeda soldiers were enthused by the report, many challenging Wahlberg to an “Air Force One-off” on the actor’s private jet, a challenge which the actor eagerly accepted. Originally scheduled for early February, the hypothetical rematch has reportedly been pushed back so that Jason Statham can free up his schedule.

EVANSTON – This past Monday, Caucasian students all over Northwestern’s campus banded together to feel collectively uncomfortable as the nation celebrated Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

While a service day on Saturday and a Monday night vigil were held in King’s honor, the biggest tribute to his legacy was the multitude of slight sensations of guilt held within the hearts of all the privileged Aryan Northwestern students.

“I spent the whole day feeling a vague sense of unease. Maybe I’m not feeling guilty enough. I don’t think I’m racist?” Anne Parr, a Medill Sophomore, commented.

Some noted that the day made them more wary of bumping into black students on campus and more uncomfortable being in front of “someone of color” in line for Jamba Juice.

“I definitely jumped up to give my seat to my friend Antoine on the campus shuttle. It’s the least I could do, right?” Ben Schroeder, a junior who swears he’s going to take an African history class next semester, said.

While barely 18% of the guilt-ridden students actually attended the day of service or the vigil, 68% vowed they were going to attend “one of those NUCHR things” in the near future.

MTV’s Jersey Shore Cast Raises Awareness for Spreading Medical Concern

SEASIDE HEIGHTS — While culture critics have decried Jersey Shore as “inane,” the season premiere of the reality show has brought an important health issue facing young Americans to the public consciousness. In Italy, a country famous for its cold climate and harsh terrain, Mike, Vinny, Pauly D, and the rest of the cast have suffered from “tanorexia,” struggling to maintain an even burnt-orange base-coat last season. The seriousness of their condition first became apparent when Snooki spotted a freckle on JWOWW’s paling left forearm.

This loss of pigmentation left them with symptoms that Northwestern Psychology Professor James Whitesides likened to those of depression and common anxiety disorders.

“When major life changes disrupt a healthy routine such as frequent UV exposure in tanning beds,” Dr. Whiteside explained, “it’s not uncommon for even extremely well-balanced individuals, like Ronnie, for example, to experience symptoms which affect their ability to form healthy relationships, and may even cause them to appear emotionally unstable.”

Beyond the strain tanorexia can place on such a seemingly constructive relationship as Ronnie and Sam’s, many viewers saw the inner turmoil of Vinny Guandagnino as the most poignant evidence for the tragic consequences of the disease. Bloggers speculate that the reality star might even go as far as to move out of the shore house in order to deal with anxiety struggles Dr. Whitesides says can almost certainly be linked to the increasing bronze-tone depletion undergone by the show’s cast over the past season.

Here in Evanston, Northwestern students especially may want to keep the threat of tanorexia in mind as Winter Quarter progresses.

“I’ve been pale my whole life,” Jennifer Smith, a McCormick sophomore, shared. “My mom always made sure I wore SPF 45 on vacation, and sales associates at Sephora always advised me to go for the lightest shade of foundation, and I’m just really glad the cast on the show was able to convey the seriousness of tanorexia so that I can make informed decisions about my health in the future.”

As predicted by leading entertainment experts, this past week’s season premiere of Jersey Shore proved both thought provoking and socially relevant.

“What I like most about the show,” Smith told The Flipside, “is how much I relate to the characters. There just aren’t that many shows about real young people that deal with the issues that affect us right now.”

EVANSTON – During last week’s heat wave, the sheets of ice on top of the Norris ice rink melted away, allowing a Northwestern student to make a startling discovery: the frozen corpse of an NU student dated at 4000 years old.

“This is a fantastic find,” explained NU professor Dr. Harry Tooth, “The remarkably well-preserved state of the body will give us a great idea of what college life was like during the dawn of man.” Tooth explained that the corpse, as with most such findings, would be named after the discoverer. “We are really excited to have Chet in our lab. He can teach us a lot of new things about ancient university students.”

Chet was found with all his clothing still preserved. He wore a shirt containing hieroglyphics which experts claim translate loosely to “Bros Before Hos”. Chet also wore a long white robe, wooden sandals, and, unsurprisingly, a North Face winter jacket.

Scientists are trying to use Chet’s body to understand the way he lived. “The key to understanding Chet,” explained Dr. Tooth, “is to figure out what he was doing when he got stuck in a blizzard. Most people I have talked to agree that he was probably on an ambrosia run to Epsilon-Vega I or headed to pick up some papyrus from VII/XI. Personally, I am not ruling out the possibility that he may have been headed to his fraternity for that year’s ‘Gone Sumerian Night’. That would explain his hurried pose.”

A hat was found next to Chet in the ice. It appears to date from the same time period, as it reads “Northwestern Basketball Big Ten Champions BC 2004″, celebrating the team’s most recent appearance in the NCAA tournament.

NEW YORK – Rex Ryan, the controversial head coach of the NFL’s New York Jets, showed a flash of humility last Sunday when he decided to finally eat his words and recant on promises for a championship season. In an exclusive interview with The Flipside, Ryan tucked his napkin into his shirt and began to chow down.

“I’m the one to blame here,” Ryan said between mouthfuls. Criticism from the local media arose when, once the Jets’ playoff hopes were finished, Ryan opened the spice cabinet and brought out some salt and butter.

Gang Green’s season was officially over with a loss to the Miami Dolphins in week seventeen. “I’ve tasted da feet…I mean, defeat, before…but this was a tough one to swallow,” the coach remarked. “They…I mean, it…left a pretty bitter taste in my mouth.”

At one point in their 2011 campaign, the Jets were 8-5 and on the cusp of being one of the NFL’s elite. Unfortunately for them, Ryan was on that cusp with them, and it subsequently cracked and collapsed.

Some members of the New York faithful are even blaming Ryan for throwing in the towel before the Jets were out of contention. Ryan, however, asserts he did not throw in the towel, brandishing a barbeque-and-ketchup stained napkin as he chewed his salted words: “I have it right here. Clearly not thrown in.”

“Once again, I apologize for letting down my team and the fans,” concluded Rex as he stuffed his face with three years’ worth of words. The Jets will look to wrestle their way out of adversity next year with a big 2012 season. With the 1,500 pound Ryan on their side, it’s tough to imagine them losing.

PYONGYANG -  Intrepid and courageous agents of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea have discovered that Great Successor and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un won the recent GOP Iowa caucus by a 110% margin, a glorious and universal truth hidden by the dastardly imperialist American media. The people of Iowa have expressed their burning desire to live under the guidance of the Wise and Brilliant Leader and wish to defect to the Supreme Awesomeness of The Most Excellent Korean.

Impressed by the corn-growing prowess of The Greatest and Most Devoted Michael Jordan Fan, Iowans flocked to the polls in an effort to free themselves from oppressive American tyranny. The Great Man, Who Is Not Really That Fat graciously accepted this new mandate to bring the divine perfection of communism to Iowa and has already formulated a perfect and infallible strategy to wrest this fertile land from the imperialist pigs.

Furthermore, The Inventor of a Better Mousetrap has announced that he will develop a new strain of corn in honor of this most auspicious occasion. According to a government spokesman, “The Unique and Differently Gifted Leader is anxious to begin the annexation of Iowa into the DPRK and plans to travel there next week, as soon as he returns from his weekend trip to Mars.”

The evil and untrustworthy American government refused to comment on this great victory for The Most Prodigious Consumer of Kimchi.

EVANSTON – Northwestern University sent out an emergency alert on Monday after a man was seen gratifying himself in the showers in the men’s locker room at Henry Crown Sports Pavilion & Aquatic Center.

Two juveniles reported that they heard the self-satisfied moans of the rogue gratifier as he told himself what a “sick workout” he had just completed. “It was really freaky,” explained one of the bystanders, “he just stood there, naked, in the shower, congratulating himself on his new personal squat record.” The witnesses reportedly asked the man to stop patting himself on the back, but that only egged on him on. “Let’s see you kids lift that much weight,” he purportedly exclaimed, “I deserve a nice long sauna session after that one!”

The witness told The Flipside that “every time we tried to talk him down, he just kept stroking his ego more and more. He wouldn’t stop gushing about the 7 minute mile he had just run or the size of the steak he was going to eat.” The witness then described the climax of the self-gratification: “All of a sudden, his body went very stiff, and he then flexed his biceps brashly. “I remember he shouted out a loud ‘YEAH!’ followed by an exuberant, ‘Check out how SWOLE I am!’”

The university report stated that the witnesses could not provide a detailed description of the man. “They described him as muscled, half-naked, and arrogant,” a university representative explained, “which narrows it down to the entirety of North Campus.”

EVANSTON – Northwestern football coach Pat Fitzgerald has recently been brought into police custody and is being charged with five separate counts of altruism and humanitarianism. Eyewitness reports claim that Fitzgerald allegedly helped rake leaves, walked old women across Sheridan Road, and donated funds to local schools on multiple occasions. These chilling discoveries have shaken the entire student body. “I just can’t believe it,” says Bill Jeffries. “You get an impression of a guy who represents your school for years, and all of a sudden your opinion changes drastically.”

Head basketball coach Bill Carmody saw one of the acts occur in 2002. According to the grand jury report, Carmody caught Fitzgerald selling cupcakes to raise money for AIDS awareness. Upon seeing the illicit treats, Carmody got on the phone with his father to tell him what he had seen. “Pat and I had gone back a ways and I never expected to see this kind of shocking behavior from him,” said Carmody while under witness protection.

The Evanston police department is complaining about all the protests occurring downtown, saying that students have flipped over cars, urinated in mailboxes, and chucked Hecky’s pulled pork all over the windows of local establishments. “This is just unbelievable,” says ardent football fan Bo Bice. “Northwestern became bowl-eligible this weekend and you’re telling me they’re going to take Pat away?!”

Despite the number of charges leveled against him, some news sources believe that Fitzgerald will be found guilty of numerous other acts of humanitarianism. CNN news anchor Husky Blitzkrieg commented on the state of the sports union: “I am shocked and appalled that Fitzgerald would disgrace college sports in this manner. Henceforth, the legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one man’s actions. The school will go down in infamy for this. Thank God that other collegiate sports administrations are run by men of extraordinary character.”

In other news, students and local media are beginning to question where Morty Schapiro was when all the acts of humanitarianism were occurring; rumors of a cover-up are beginning to circulate heavily.