Entrepreneur Certain That Evanston Could Use Another Barbershop

TOKYO -  In recent years, Japan has fallen prey to a horrific sequence of natural disasters: first an earthquake, then a tsunami, then the nuclear reactor near-meltdown that spawned a real life Godzilla. It was only a matter of time until Hollywood would decide to take the tragic story and use it to tug at the world’s heartstrings.

Who better to formulate characters, plot and emotional tension than America’s most beloved filmmaker and Renaissance man, Michael Bay?  That’s right: sources indicate that Michael Bay is already hard at work with his latest epic, Japan: The Movie.

Early rumors suggested that this project would actually be Bay’s third installment of Bad Boys.  In it, Will Smith and Martin Lawrence would reprise their roles in the landmark Academy Award winning series, wherein they would chase drug dealing intergalactic transforming robots to Japan to stop a deal with a major Yakuza gang.  Jackie Chan had agreed to play a co-starring role.  Unfortunately, Martin Lawrence was already working on another Big Momma’s House sequel, and was unavailable.  Will Smith refused to sign on without his “artistic muse,” Lawrence, and so Bad Boys III: Black and Yellow was scrapped.

Despite these major setbacks, Sir Bay decided to continue plans for a Japanese project.  As of last week, Japan: The Movie has already completed filming and is now in post-production, despite the fact that writers have only written two pages of screenplay.  In an exclusive interview with The Northwestern Flipside, he had this to say:

“Yeah, I figured that what I want to express really transcends anything that can be written down.  I want to show the hardship that every Chinaman in Japan has to go through every day.  That’s why I mostly skipped plot and characters and pretty much jumped directly to the special effects.”

Despite claiming that his film will be full of more chaos and destruction than a Middle Eastern country during election season, the visionary director did leave some space for plot development.  He seems particularly excited about a more dramatic and sensitive scene in which Optimus Prime, in a supporting role as a single father of three struggling with radiation-induced testicular problems, declares, “REPRODUCTIVE CAPACITY IS THE RIGHT OF ALL SENTIENT BEINGS,” before blowing a nuclear reactor to dust with a plasma cannon.  Prime is already receiving Oscar buzz for his portrayal.

EVANSTON – Resident sexual deviance advocate J. Michael Bailey was very proud of the student body for touching itself all last week.

“Really, I am just so proud that the students of Northwestern could focus a week of their school year on something that I have held so close to my heart for my entire life. It’s a wonder to hear about the young people learning and trying new things, like experimenting with flavored lubricants, studded collars and low-voltage tasers.”

But it wasn’t all climaxes and happy endings at the conclusion of Northwestern’s annual Sex Week. Well, it sort of was, but there’s also a scandal: local health clinics reportedly ran out of morning-after pills much faster than they expected. Due to impending lawsuits, one clinic employee agreed to speak with The Flipside on the condition of anonymity.

“We were completely out of stock by Wednesday. After that, my boss decided to have us sell placebos instead.”

Naturally, the entire campus has broken into chaos as girls everywhere are discovering that they’re eating for two.

Sex Week committee executives have publicly asked why pregnancies have spiked across campus when the week was full of demonstrations and events that promoted safe sex and gave condoms away for free.

“I mean, I thought the point of sex week was just to have a lot of sex,” Communication Studies sophomore Naomi Watson said. “I didn’t even know a sex club existed on campus. Does having sex automatically make me a member?”

She refused to comment on the fact that her name is “I moan” spelled backwards.

Polls show that many girls like Watson ignored the free demonstrations and dove right into bed, skipping the safe-sex education and the condoms. Now, organizers of Sex Week have declared the rest of April to be known as Abortion Month. Due to an overwhelming demand for the procedure, Sheil Catholic Center has been indefinitely turned into a planned-parenthood clinic.

In other news, campus LGBT groups have reported record growth in membership the past several days as men and women are turning to their own genders to avoid crippling fears of pregnancy.

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