EVANSTON – Northwestern emergency response personnel were on heightened alert this past week after an abnormally high number of freshman were found frozen along Sherman Avenue. NU faculty wonders why these freshmen would subject themselves to such a high-risk journey; many, however, believe that they were given no choice.

Fraternity brother Sam Coppermen spoke to the Flipside yesterday morning about the recent tragedy. “There is a serious ethical dilemma here. Freshmen need to flee to off-campus refuges to escape tyrannical CA control. The only problem is that our man-caves are usually too full to be able to accommodate all those coming to us for shelter and drink. Besides, it’s impractical for us to welcome in massive groups of freshman dudes when our parties are already sausagefests to begin with.”

Many students, left to escape from their dorm rooms in the dead of night, bring only the clothes on their backs.

Jeremy Gleftle, a freshman survivor, spoke with the Flipside: “We know if we bring heavy jackets or extra bags with us, they would get jacked by a confused drunk girl or be found doused in unidentifiable fluids under a couch somewhere. Subjecting ourselves to that kind of activity just doesn’t seem worth it.”

In related news, after actual wildcats showed up to Wildcat Welcome Week, many freshmen were mauled during their journeys between Essential NU sites.

EDISON, NJ – Fifteen year old Sarah Murphy was found dead last night in front of her New Jersey home. After an autopsy was conducted and medical records were reviewed, doctors concluded the cause of death was Sarah’s rare, fatal form of object-oriented separation anxiety which caused her to collapse after the discovery that her phone was not in her Vera Bradley tote bag.

Detectives have taken the prime phone theft suspect, 16-year-old self-proclaimed hipster Penelope Fox, into custody. No substantial evidence has been found, but at least three witnesses confirm that Fox rolled her eyes in response to an overheard statement made by Sarah to a group of Lacrosse players.

“Guys! I would just DIE without my cell phone,” Sarah exclaimed after school last Thursday. The statement turned out to be horrifically prescient.

After a thorough investigation, Murphy’s phone was discovered plugged into its charger on her dresser. Detectives have concluded Fox must have climbed the tree house in the backyard, opened Murphy’s bedroom window from the roof, deactivated the ADT home alarm system and plugged the phone back in, completely undetected by Sarah’s family or her puppy, Tinker.

In related news, Fox was found dead this morning in front of a secondhand store she frequently described as “so obscure you’ve probably never heard of it”. Doctors have concluded Fox must have collapsed after she discovered that her Lomography camera was not in her Urban Outfitters mini backpack.