EVANSTON—This Monday, freshmen poured into Norris for the Activities Fair, a time-worn Northwestern tradition in which members of the incoming class sign away their inboxes to listserv upon listserv in exchange for free candy. The entire Class of 2013 was successfully crammed into the student center, effectively causing what administrators called “a fire code nightmare.”

Some freshmen, however, decided to turn the close-quarters situation into their advantage. Casually walking past the “Germ”any Disease Association, young freshmen like Jeff Lerman moved uncomfortably close to the cute girls walking in front of him.

Lerman, who (unbeknownst to his high-school friends) has not gotten any action during Welcome Week, said, “My left thigh definitely rubbed against that girl’s right butt cheek.”

“I always knew I was going to get so much ass at Northwestern,” Lerman added.

Several females reported feeling a variety of different grips on their derrières during the event. Recent case studies demonstrate that backhanding was incredibly popular. Although forehanding provides a more satisfying squeeze, males cite reasons to use the backhand as “it’s less obvious” and “it’s classier.”

The tables were turned around the Rainbow Alliance booth, however, where several males reported uncomfortable brush-bys, if not all-out grind-fests.

Another victim, Rachel Berzon, was violated many times in her Joe’s Jeans. She explains, “Right around the Lithuanian Group of Native Americans Against Gambling, I thought somebody was trying to pickpocket me. I turned around, readied my mace, and saw that it was only an ugly freshman smiling uncontrollably and pretending it wasn’t his hand that was just touching my rump.”

Since cute girls travel in packs, Rachel’s equally cute friend had a myriad of Purell-less and possibly swine flu-infected hands on her tookus. Eve, a devout prude, has not been this disappointed since the March Through the Arch. She stated, “If I wanted that stuff, I would just go Greek.”

EVANSTON—This week, Weinberg freshman Stu Pitt and his roommate Tim Burr perished after falling two feet and three inches when Pitt’s bed risers caved in. The four-inch-tall risers were a violation of Northwestern University’s housing code, which prohibits any kind of lofted furniture.

“This is for safety reasons,” said NU housing representative Justin Thyme. “When I reflect upon this great tragedy, it’s clear to me that the boys would still be alive today if they’d just followed the rules. It’s probable that those four inches were the difference between life and death.”

At the time, the roommates were reportedly standing on Pitt’s bed in order to hang a flag, a fishnet, and some holiday lights on the adjacent wall. While he reached for another nail to drive into the pristine paint, Burr’s foot became entangled in the net. He stumbled, grabbing his microwave in an attempt to regain his balance. When the microwave fell, the kettle atop the microwave was overturned, pouring boiling water onto the plastic bed risers. Investigators believe that this single occurrence weakened the foundations and caused the infrastructural collapse of the dorm bed. Pitt and Burr are believed to have died from sub-cranial hemorrhages incurred in the massive two-foot fall. The wreckage of the bed then fell on the microwave. The broken kitchen appliance ignited, causing an explosion that threw the boys’ bodies into the hallway of the dormitory.

“There is a reason we have these rules and restrictions,” said Thyme. “Otherwise, this terrible series of events could repeat itself. Remember, folks, if you don’t follow the rules, this is what happens to you.”

As they lay undiscovered for several hours, the bodies of Pitt and Burr propped the door of the dormitory, allowing anyone to enter. In the subsequent chaos, many were assaulted or trampled. A third floor resident reported a sighting of Osama Bin Laden in the women’s bathroom. Northwestern Police is still looking for Bin Laden.

However, shortly after the incident, the NU Police released a statement claiming that there was no proof that it ever happened: “As all evidence of the accident itself were destroyed in the fire, it is not verifiable and thus cannot be considered a bona fide incident.” The Northwestern University Police Department advises all students to nonetheless be cognizant of safe decorating choices.

EVANSTON—An investigation into the origins of the university’s most beloved landmark was sparked last month when a graduate student stumbled upon a curious article in the Daily Northwestern’s archives. Entitled “Disgruntled Freshman Freezes to Death,” the record from 1902 details the untimely demise of one Earl Worthington, a freshman who tripped into a newly-installed koi pool during a blustery October cold snap.

Ellen Katz, who discovered the article while researching the mysterious origins of Dillo Day, was stunned by her discovery. “It was unbelievable. It was a grisly story, but it piqued my interest and I couldn’t stop reading… when an old map of the university showed the pool at the current location of the Rock, I couldn’t help but think ‘What if…?’”

Worthington drowned, apparently stunned by the fall, and his corpse froze along with the contents of the poorly-planned reservoir pending the arrival of a clean-up crew. Before the crew arrived, the scene of the accident was swarmed by enthusiastic Pi Kappa Alpha brothers, who covered the body with a spray-painted sign celebrating their recent intramural football victory.

At Katz’s behest, a full geological survey was conducted, showing that The Rock contains no stone whatsoever. A combination of X-ray imaging and strategic drilling revealed a skeleton under 107 years’ worth of paint. The lead in the innermost layers had corroded the body, but analysts were able to discern that Worthington lies in rest with a pleading arm stretched toward Harris Hall, the nearest shelter. Indeed, even today The Rock lists southward, capturing the freshman’s final throes. “This is an amazing discovery,” says Katz. “The story is so fascinating, I’m reconsidering my thesis topic.”

EVANSTON—Fed up with CAESAR’s tyrannical bullshit, Computer Science graduate student Andy “Brutus” Swanson vanquished the online academic portal in a carnal, adrenaline-driven massacre on Friday night.

“Seriously, what the hell?” Swanson screamed at his web browser in the encounter leading up to the brutal slaying. “Yeah, sure, the class doesn’t exist even though I was just there this morning.”

He proceeded to fiddle around with settings, unchecking some boxes in an effort to make his class appear in his rush to beat the add-class deadline. Others seated nearby took notice when he emitted a string of obscenities after finding his section, but not being allowed to add because of a supposed class time overlap. Witnesses reported seeing him slowly unsheathing and consuming a can of Mountain Dew.

Shortly thereafter, Swanson proceeded to hack into the university’s servers to create a new student profile, “Brutus”, before systematically dismantling CAESAR’s powerful databases under the new alias. In in a desperate final plea,  CAESAR cautioned “Deleting this script cannot be undone. Do you wish to proceed? Y/N.” Sources witnessed Swanson inhale deeply and place a thumbs-up high in the air, pause, and then slowly lower his thumb down to hit the “Y” key.

Swanson’s final step was to delete his “Brutus” login name, prompting CAESAR to ask, “And you, Brutus? Yes, No, Cancel.” Sources report that Swanson cackled as he clicked “Yes,” in unrepentant cold blood.

Having witnessed the carnage, a shocked library staffer erected a temporary memorial in front of the library, quickly scrawling “CAESAR is dead, please go to 633 Clark St. if you need assistance” on paper and taping it up. NUIT issued a bulk e-mail shortly after CAESAR’s termination informing students that it would be replaced the next day by their newly-constructed beta hub, the Online Computer Training And Virtual Information Assistance Navigator (OCTAVIAN).

EVANSTON—Many residents complain about Chicago’s winter, but last week a local student experienced an inconvenience even worse than a 2 a.m. walk to BK in lake-effect snow conditions. When Northwestern student Greg Conrad left class last Friday he discovered he had been “sexiled” out of the country.

Through some sort of miscommunication, Conrad was shipped off to Siberia, a frozen, desolate wasteland, where he survived only on his knowledge of “Man vs. Wild.”

Conrad complained, “my roommate texted me being all like ‘bro my gf’s in town, be a bro and find somewhere to chill for the weekend.’ …I’m not your goddamn bro!”

Upon his return to Northwestern’s Evanston campus (after a brief layover at the school’s Qatar location), Conrad stated, “Do you know how hard it is to make a shelter in snow? Bear Gryll’s British ass makes it look like a cakewalk.”

“The worst part is,” said Conrad, “that while I’m out here dying in this cold, arid wasteland, I know my roommate’s enjoying a hot and sweaty room. Normally I’d just crank one out and go to bed, but it’s so cold I can’t even find my goddamn dick! Fuck that guy! I swear to God, if that ‘chill’ comment was a pun, I’m gonna flip a shit.”

Conrad says he’s now waiting for his girlfriend to visit so he can “send that bitch of a roommate off to the Island of Elba.”

CHICAGO—Cubs owner Tom Ricketts told the Chicago Tribune that he’s found a new way to bring in revenue to the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball. Instead of fighting for ad space in and around historic Wrigley Field, Ricketts says he can help lessen the effect of declining attendance through walking billboards.

“The ushers have always been a part of the unique ‘Friendly Confines’ experience,” a spokesman for the Ricketts family told The Flipside. “Now, they’ll play an even larger role. Each usher will represent a different brand throughout the game.”

From tattoos to neon signs to miniature billboards that cover most of the body (but not completely, they will be designed so that fans can see through much of the ad to not detract from the elegance of the Wrigley atmosphere), ushers will, in some way or another, be walking advertisements for Cubs sponsors.

The Cubs continue to find other marketing opportunities around Wrigley and in the action. The Make-A-Wish Foundation has agreed to sponsor every Cubs homerun. Additionally, BP will sponsor every Cubs error.

In an effort to cut costs, Ricketts has decided to eliminate organ-played at-bat music. The organ was put on Craigslist yesterday. Ricketts is asking for $65 and “anyone who wants to push an organ down several ramps.”

Instead, each Cubs player will have their own theme music.

“We have You Tube open on my PC,” says Wrigley technician Frank Gorgatta. “When a certain player comes up to bat, we type in his song. It’s a good system. We get to skip those $0.99 charges on iTunes. We don’t have to pay any royalties either because we only play a couple seconds.”

The Cubs open up a weekend inter-league series today at Wrigley for the first time against the Angels.