Category Archives: Issue 24

donotwalk

Stoned Jaywalker Leads NU Students into Oncoming Traffic

donotwalk

EVANSTON—A typical sunny January day in Evanston turned tragic when fourteen Northwestern University students were hit by three cars as they crossed Sheridan Road in front of the Arch. Fortunately, no one was killed, but the accident resulted in many injuries. Every day, NU students cross Sheridan by following the first person who decides to ignore the “Do Not Walk” sign. On this particular occasion, the leader of the pack was not capable of his duties. Jack Smannikan, a sophomore

prof

Throughout History, People have Begun Essays with Grand Generalizations

prof

By Professor John McSnoot Throughout history, people have begun essays with grand generalizations. It’s one of the most common mistakes I see in student papers. These generalizations are often the same as the title of the essay, which should always be its own thought. There are three main mistakes I see in my students’ writing: Making a laundry list of reasons, sentence construction badness, and repetitive, redundant sentences of redundancy. Then, they do not provide adequate explanations for their reasoning.

elderly

Elderly Iowan Somehow Expert on Al-Qaeda

elderly

FAIRFIELD, IA—Despite her lack of travel experience outside the tri-state area and her inability to remember the word “Muslim” unless prompted, 78-year-old Iowan Terese Norris has risen to become an authority on the inner-workings of the terrorist network Al-Qaeda.  Norris’s counter-insurgency expertise was highlighted when she detailed the terrorist’s day-to-day logistical operations to her family as they sat around the Christmas table. Norris also notified family members that their small town of Fairfield was quietly nested in the middle of

1 fthang00 ARISTIDE

Kid Who Checks Cell Phone Clearly Cooler Than You

1 fthang00 ARISTIDE

EVANSTON—A new study by the For Research Association Today (FRAT) revealed that people who spend more time looking at their cell phone than engaging in face-to-face conversations are much more popular. “Think about it,” said Nick Kite, “When you talk in person you can only talk to a couple of people at once, but I have hundreds of contacts on my cell phone.” “And don’t get me started about how many Facebook friends I have” added Kite. When meeting somebody

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