CORRECTIONS: In last week’s piece on the recent high-energy particle tests conducted by University of Chicago scientists, the requisite slew of juvenile rival-school trash-talk was left out. The Northwesten Flipside regrets this omission.

EVANSTON—A typical sunny January day in Evanston turned tragic when fourteen Northwestern University students were hit by three cars as they crossed Sheridan Road in front of the Arch. Fortunately, no one was killed, but the accident resulted in many injuries. Every day, NU students cross Sheridan by following the first person who decides to ignore the “Do Not Walk” sign. On this particular occasion, the leader of the pack was not capable of his duties.

Jack Smannikan, a sophomore in the School of Communication, decided to blow off some steam with a smoke after a tough week. Unfortunately, he had forgotten that Saturday was the last day to return his textbooks to Norris; he figured he wouldn’t need them for the quarter. “I put down the blunt, picked up all my books, and then did that cool slide-down-the-stair-railing thing like they do in all those high school TV shows,” Jack told us from his hospital bed. “I was still a little out of it, so I crossed Sheridan without looking both ways like my mommy told me… and that’s all I remember.”

Jack was then hit by a car and suffered a broken leg. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only one hurt. Thirteen other Northwestern students who had been waiting to cross unwisely decided to follow Smannikan and were subsequently also hit by oncoming traffic. “Ever since I have been here, I have always waited at the side of the road until somebody crosses in front of me,” said Weinberg junior Emily Ju. “After the first person goes, everyone else who is waiting crosses with them. Why should I have to look to see if cars are coming? There were never any problems until yesterday”.

The administration is now contemplating installing a voiceover to alert students when it is okay to walk in addition to the already in place electronic sign. Alternatively, ASG has suggested the construction of a walking bridge over Sheridan Road using extra funding from the 40% profit margin attained by Norris textbook sales. Hopefully, one of the proposed measures will be taken soon, allowing NU students to cross Sheridan Road safely.

By Professor John McSnoot

Throughout history, people have begun essays with grand generalizations. It’s one of the most common mistakes I see in student papers. These generalizations are often the same as the title of the essay, which should always be its own thought.

There are three main mistakes I see in my students’ writing: Making a laundry list of reasons, sentence construction badness, and repetitive, redundant sentences of redundancy. Then, they do not provide adequate explanations for their reasoning. They just beat around the bush and never get to the point and just repeat the same thing over and over and use way too many long, winding run-on sentences that could have easily been separated into several smaller sentences for increased clarity.

Other students do include examples, but they try to force a fit to include a direct quote. It reminds me of the politician Richard Nixon, who once famously stated, “I am not a crook!” Don’t do this in your paper, because it isn’t correct. (And you also shouldn’t use contractions.)

In conclusion, as I stated in my intro, throughout history, people have ended essays with grand generalizations. It’s one of the most common mistakes I see in student papers.  They also use their conclusion to restate their introduction instead of finishing with a separate thought.

Most young writers end their essays too abruptly.

FAIRFIELD, IA—Despite her lack of travel experience outside the tri-state area and her inability to remember the word “Muslim” unless prompted, 78-year-old Iowan Terese Norris has risen to become an authority on the inner-workings of the terrorist network Al-Qaeda.  Norris’s counter-insurgency expertise was highlighted when she detailed the terrorist’s day-to-day logistical operations to her family as they sat around the Christmas table.

Norris also notified family members that their small town of Fairfield was quietly nested in the middle of the alleged operation zone.

Further details broken exclusively by Norris included the complicit actions of the United States Postal Service in secretly delivering mail between Iowa and Iraq, where she believes Al Qaeda is sending terrorists from. Grandma Terese then elaborated as if someone had asked her to. “They use couriers that come in to Fairfield [Municipal Airport] in small planes, and there’s Post Office people who’s in on it too,” she said knowingly. “That’s how they keep us from keeping track of their mail.”

“Her depth of knowledge is quite astounding,” remarked grandson Brad Norris in an interview, “especially considering she literally only watches Fox News. She’s unaware Iraq actually has nothing to do with the attacks of 9/11. Facts don’t sway my Grandma.”

Sources later confirmed that Fox News was indeed the only thing on the T.V. for the entirety of Christmas Day, and even remained on while the Norris family enjoyed lunch and dinner.

“She really is a great, lucid woman, but she’s spent a lifetime away from civilization, so I can’t really blame her,” continued Brad, growing noticeably sober, “for neutralizing all of my votes.”

New data shows that Brad’s drive back home to Evanston, IL after Christmas contained 78% more ennui than the carefree drive to Iowa.

EVANSTON—A new study by the For Research Association Today (FRAT) revealed that people who spend more time looking at their cell phone than engaging in face-to-face conversations are much more popular.

“Think about it,” said Nick Kite, “When you talk in person you can only talk to a couple of people at once, but I have hundreds of contacts on my cell phone.”

“And don’t get me started about how many Facebook friends I have” added Kite.

When meeting somebody for the first time, the male who glances at his cell phone more often takes on the dominant role in the relationship. Researchers note that these males usually just check the time, although they often pretend there is something ‘Stephen Demos making a field goal’ important going on.

Girls, on the other hand, use their cellular phones to be passive aggressive, equating popularity to a 3-G network. These females emphasize the fact that they have a call to anyone who will listen,  often talking to their parents the same way they would talk to a friend to play up their immense popularity.

Cool girls also call people and immediately hang up so they will get called back and “have to take this important call.”

“U no,” says Grace Aoba as she glances at her phone, “IKMCISAATSPKTITCIA, IHMOPTTT (I keep my cell in sight at all times so people know that if this convo isn’t awesome, I have many other people to talk to.)

“I am popular!” concluded Aoba.