EVANSTON — Fed up with CAESAR’s tyrannical bullshit, Computer Science graduate student Andy “Brutus” Swanson vanquished the online academic portal in a carnal, adrenaline-driven massacre on Friday night.

“Seriously, what the hell?” Swanson screamed at his web browser in the encounter leading up to the brutal slaying. “Yeah, sure, the class doesn’t exist even though I was just there this morning.”

He proceeded to fiddle around with settings, unchecking some boxes in an effort to make his class appear in his rush to beat the add-class deadline. Others seated nearby took notice when he emitted a string of obscenities after finding his section, but not being allowed to add because of a supposed class time overlap. Witnesses reported seeing him slowly unsheathing and consuming a can of Mountain Dew.

Shortly thereafter, Swanson proceeded to hack into the university’s servers to create a new student profile, “Brutus”, before systematically dismantling CAESAR’s powerful databases under the new alias. In in a desperate final plea,  CAESAR cautioned “Deleting this script cannot be undone. Do you wish to proceed? Y/N.” Sources witnessed Swanson inhale deeply and place a thumbs-up high in the air, pause, and then slowly lower his thumb down to hit the “Y” key.

Swanson’s final step was to delete his “Brutus” login name, prompting CAESAR to ask, “And you, Brutus? Yes, No, Cancel.” Sources report that Swanson cackled as he clicked “Yes,” in unrepentant cold blood.

Having witnessed the carnage, a shocked library staffer erected a temporary memorial in front of the library, quickly scrawling “CAESAR is dead, please go to 633 Clark St. if you need assistance” on paper and taping it up. NUIT issued a bulk e-mail shortly after CAESAR’s termination informing students that it would be replaced the next day by their newly-constructed beta hub, the Online Computer Training And Virtual Information Assistance Navigator (OCTAVIAN).

THE PENTAGON- In a leak of a top-secret intelligence report, it has been revealed that the United States Military has invented Gaydar. The power of Gaydar, which was once restricted only to that friend who could spot a random stranger and instantly declare “gay or straight,” has now been automated and perfected.

From this report it is shown that the Gaydar works by reading sexual orientation. Inventor Brian Hughes said, “It is a sexual GPS of sorts. It can identify anybody’s location on the sexual spectrum on a scale from ‘Elton John sipping an appletini’ to ‘Rambo’ by reading their aura.”

According to defense secretary Robert Gates, “This invention is just super-fab. It takes all the guesswork out of determining whether a soldier just has a great fashion sense or if that earring on the right side is sending a more pointed message.”

Despite this glowing review, the advent of Gaydar is not heralded in all sectors. The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) has filed a complaint with President Barack Obama to address this “blatant breach of privacy.” When asked for comment, the President replied, “We are in the middle of two wars, an economic crisis, and massive health care reform. I will handle this issue when the right time comes; please wait your turn.”

The leaking of the report has upset the intelligence community. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs would like to remind the public that the official stance of the U.S. military is that “Gaydar does not exist, and whatever you do, do not ask or tell about this terrific and super-duper invention we may or may not have.”

“Opportunity Cost” Speculated as Reason

EVANSTON – When sophomore economics major Mark Richman signed up for PHIL 181: “Introduction to Ethical Decision Making”, the news surprised most other economics majors, who comprise approximately half of the undergraduate population. This shocking attempt at an escape from the norm came to an end when it was revealed that Richman dropped the course recently in favor of ECON 294: “Seminar – Risky Business: Is It Really That Bad?”

The Dow Jones Industrial Average jumped 38 points after Richman requested the schedule change; officials at Butner Federal Correctional Complex in Raleigh reported that inmate Bernard Madoff let out a “disturbingly evil laughter” at the same moment.

When prompted for an explanation to this sudden change of heart, Richman responded simply saying “Well, I only signed up for that ethics class to get distribution credit.”

“I’m not really that surprised,” reported Jane McLynn, a junior majoring in economics who briefly contemplated taking an ethics course while “completely stoned” last winter. “Why would any econ major choose ethics over an econ seminar? Business schools probably hate those classes.”

Researchers at Kellogg School of Management were able to calculate that after dropping out of the ethics course, Richman will potentially be able to increase his personal worth by approximately $15,623. The research team noted that the ethics course could have resulted in lost opportunities in the financial sector and a “general loss of drive and self-importance.”

The move has so far triggered no protests other than from Richman’s roommate, McCormick sophomore Jack Enghoff, who lost his “alone time” as a result of Richman’s schedule change.

Taco Bell, a restaurant long associated with weight loss, has yet again revolutionized fast food diets with their new Seven-Layer Diet Burrito.

“The fast in ‘fast food’ stands for how quickly you will lose weight,” said now-dead Taco Bell President Glenn Bell. He died of unknown causes, though an autopsy revealed a suspicious amount of guacamole in his lungs, liver, and gall bladder.

The Taco-Bells and whistles of the diet focus on each of the food groups. The Seven-Layer Diet Burrito is simply a quesadilla wrapped in a chalupa — enveloped by a taco — covered with a tortilla — all melted together by layers of cheese, guacamole, and sour cream. It probably has all the food groups covered. It has only 7 kg of fat.

Christine Dougherty, who attributes her recent 50-pound weight loss to the new dish, is the spokesperson behind the campaign.

“Running ten hours a day, refusing to sit down, and constantly chewing celery had little to do with my weight loss when compared to the 7-layer burrito,” says Dougherty, who is as logical a spokesperson as Tiger Woods is for E-Harmony.  

Still, health experts warn that you might want to think outside the burrito.

“As much as people enjoy Taco Bell’s authentic recreation of Mexican cuisine,” says anti-social University of Chicago health professor Anita Bagel, “the restaurant’s reliance on pesticides and the tears of Organic Chemistry students would make me slightly skeptical about the new product.”

“It just doesn’t seem as real to me as Avatar,” Bagel added. “McDonald’s has that market cornered.”

JERSEY SHORE – Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, a cast member of MTV’s popular reality series “The Jersey Shore,” has been denied a role in the Broadway remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, after much speculation. Casting directors, who have already picked Rosie O’Donnell for the role of Augustus Gloop, stated that Snooki was just “too orange and too short.”

Being denied a callback has been rough on Snookers, particularly since she received the rejection letter just hours after Ron “Ronnie” Magro agreed to play the role of Machamp in Pokemon on Ice! Furthermore, Paul “DJ Pauly D” Delvecchio is reportedly slated to play the role of Goku in the Off-Broadway rendition of Dragonball Guido. Meanwhile, in an effort to give back to the community, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has teamed with Home Depot to give home supplies to the impoverished in a program dubbed “Tools from Tools.”

Sources tell the Flipside that the increased presence of cast-members outside their breakout show has boosted ratings immensely. MTV responded in a statement that their producers are ecstatic about the increased popularity, as well as their recent potty-training.

Snooki, however, has not reacted so pleasantly. “When I heard the phone quack, I just knew it was bad news,” stated Snooki. The guidette’s fake tan ran as tears dripped down her face. “Why do they, like, get to do everything when I am so hot?” she continued. “It’s like a punch in the face.”