EVANSTON – As freshman Jared Blumenthal prepared to go to sleep last Thursday night, he did not think he would be setting history. However, as he turned off his desk lamp, he quipped, “I love lamp,” a quote from the Will Ferrell comedy Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. At the moment the words left his mouth, streamers rained down from the ceiling. Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” began to play as Bob Barker entered the small dorm room to make a big announcement: Blumenthal had just made the millionth out-of-context Anchorman reference.

“The shock still hasn’t worn off,” explained the startled freshman, “I knew I was making an incredibly obvious and ill-fitting reference, but I didn’t realize it was such a significant obvious and ill-fitting reference.”

The university plans to commemorate the occasion by screening Anchorman at Tech Auditorium this Saturday, allowing the three NU students who haven’t it to leave their rocks and join in on the out-of-context quotation bonanza. Blumenthal is expected to give a keynote address before the film. “It’s an honor to be such an important part of Anchorman-quoting history,” he said, “this is a proud day for douchebags everywhere.”

In other news, junior Keith Remsen quoted a line from the cult film Eraserhead for the third time ever. There was no notable celebration, but his two friends were seen chuckling contently to themselves for getting the reference.

EVANSTON – After watching the Dolphin Show, in my expert marine biologist opinion, I would give it about one and a half out of a possible five flippers.

The show did not suit my fancy, and I was not a dolph-fan. Pardon my dolph-french, but the fact that sea life was so under-represented in a dolphin show sucked blowhole. The only water in the show was the ocean of tears everyone was crying at the end. The closest thing to use of sonar communication was a student texting on a cell phone in the third row.

The plot of the show was so deep that no dolphin in their right mind would ever swim in waters of that depth. It seemed that there was no way to tell the porpoise of any of the action and the story was too difficult to wade in. Not to go overboard on the nautical measurement metaphors, but this show was leagues below what I expected. The main character was always sad; dolphins do not like to see dark drama, instead preferring light comedy such as the wildly imaginative sketch involving a seal with a beach ball on its nose.

Next time I go to a dolphin show, I think I will just stick with Sea World. Shamu and his dolphin friends have never failed to impress.

EVANSTON – Members of the Northwestern University student organization Coalition Against Climate Change announced today that they were “satisfied” to see the return of wintry weather.

“We are pleased and happy to report that the cold weather is back,” said senior Mike Daly, president of the Coalition. “You guys don’t understand how freaked out we were last week.”

Daly is referring to the flash of warmth Evanston experienced last week, when high temperatures reached mid-40s.

“Seriously, we were freaking out about global warming. I mean, it’s January. It’s supposed to be icy cold, not moderately chilly. For a while we thought we were too drunk to realize it was cold, but as it turns out, that had nothing to do with how warm last week was.”

Other members of the club shared similar sentiments of relief.

“We didn’t even need our thick jackets and mufflers. I saw a guy walking down Sheridan in a hoodie. A hoodie!” reported junior Wendy Frost, a member of the Coalition against Climate Change. “I’m just really glad to see all the people around with winter gear on again, especially those big, goofy hats.”

“I almost died last week,” said the snowman residing behind the Norris student center, an active member of the Coalition. “It was just too warm.”

However, not everyone on campus is happy that the frosty weather is back. Freshmen April Lim was overheard muttering, “I could have gone to Berkeley,” during a particularly strong wind gust.

The biggest loser in this entire situation seems to be freshmen theater major George Lebow, who mistakenly thought winter was over and sold all of his warm clothing in exchange for beer money. While Lebow will probably suffer the consequences of hypothermia, it is likely that he will not feel anything at all.

SAN BERNARDINO, CA–The death of Glen W. Bell Jr., founder of Taco Bell, has shocked the fast food nation. Despite his healthy lifestyle, Bell died at the young age of eighty-six. Though no details were released regarding the circumstances surrounding his death, TMZ has received reports that he suffered internal burns from a Volcano Taco.

To commemorate Bell’s contributions to society, Tricon Global has developed a special burrito for limited release at select Taco Bells in accordance with his last will and testament. The eighty-six cent burrito will contain sour milk (dubbed “Sour Cream*” by the company), “lettuce,” a gordita, American cheese, salmonella, and pieces of the founder, Glen Bell.

“We are excited,” stated Tricon CEO, Tomas Billingsberg. “This is some of the best meat we have served in years.” The special burritos are being advertised under a slogan that reads: “Why eat a dog who did nothing for society, when you can eat the man who brought you Taco Bell?” Market researchers have already declared that the product tests incredibly well with the company’s focus groups, especially drunk college kids, stoners, and high-schoolers bored out of their minds.

Talk has circulated that his blood will go to flavor special edition Frutista freezes, but Billingsberg would neither confirm nor deny the validity of the speculation.