EVANSTON – A team wearing blue uniforms and a team wearing gold uniforms played a football game last Sunday, according to SESP senior Cailey Rapp. “There was a bunch of running involved,” explained Rapp, whose boyfriend Ezra Dowd is a diehard gold team fan.

“At one point, all the men in the room started yelling,” explained Rapp, “but I didn’t see what happened because I was busy texting my girls.” The dedicated girlfriend explained that her favorite part of the experience was, “the food.” Her favorite part of the game itself was reportedly “that commercial where the baby talks about stock options. He’s so cute!”

Rapp explained that she was rooting for the gold team because they had several players who were “super hot.” This statement worried Dowd, a Weinberg senior, who lamented, “I shouldn’t have sat through Sex and the City with her. Apparently, her idea of being ‘even’ involves her sitting on my couch commenting on how chiseled Drew Brees’ abs are. You didn’t see me do that when we watched that stupid movie. I waited until I was alone to masturbate furiously.”

Rapp said she was happy to see a cameo from “that guy who’s famous for the DoubleStuf Oreo commercials” and commented that she was glad to see him venturing outside of his comfort zone.

MIAMI GARDENS, FL — Peyton Manning undoubtedly threw for 330 yards and three touchdowns on Sunday as the Colts most definitely defeated the Saints, we think.

Reggie Wayne hauled in some catches. Dallas Clark did, too. Austin Collie also contributed.

New Orleans’ quarterback Drew Brees tried to calm the storm by passing for 289 yards on 29 of 36 attempts. Brees was sacked twice and was picked off twice in commercials comparing Katrina to Haiti.

Reggie Bush illegally pushed several players into the end zone. He also wore a 48 karat diamond earring.

We suppose The Who’s halftime performance must have made hundreds of oddly coordinated fans jump up and down in front of a guitar shaped stage. Peter Townshend, 64, made highlight reels nationwide when he forgot the answer to “Who Are You?” and responded by asking “who, who; who, who?”

Budweiser may have stolen the show with their hilarious commercial featuring animals doing human things.

Throughout the game, the ball moved up and down the field. A couple of times it got in the end zone. Others times, it went through the goal posts. On occasion, a white guy dropped the ball onto his foot, causing it to soar the other direction in the air. It was really exciting.

After the loss, New Orleans entire economy collapsed, we assume.