EVANSTON—In a startling discovery garnering the attention of local news media, NU Anthropology major and incipient researcher Allison Dumke, through her immersion in local culture, has uncovered the existence of a social life.

“I will not commit the error of overgeneralizing—often called the ‘ethnographic fallacy,’—nor yet speculate on the structural or political economic exigencies of my subjects,” Dumke said, “but it appears they deploy this ‘social life,’ if you will, to have—in a hegemonically constructed, definitely not a priori or ‘given’ sense—fun.” Over the course of a year of fieldwork, she was obliged to attend gatherings where these subjects engaged in an array of rituals involving conversation, drinking, musical performances, long walks, or simply sitting in place together. The reason for these ceremonial practices eludes contemporary anthropologists.

In a brave attempt to resist romanticizing the indigenous, or overly identifying with them in an effort to ‘go native,’ Dumke has declined all offers from her informants to help her in developing her own social life. “It works…within…their culture,” the erstwhile researcher articulated, “But there are experiential limits to cultural relativism. I cannot simply ‘hang out’ for no reason.”

What similarity these humans-with-a-social-life might have to fully civilized, modern, present day human anthropology students at Northwestern remains unanswered as of press time.

WILLIAMSBURG, NY—Rabbi Zev Cohen announced on Monday that the Kid-Oriented Semetic Heritage Expression Registry (KOSHER) has officially created a child-friendly mascot commemorating the holiday of Passover, Schleppy the Passover Lamb. “We noticed the success of the Easter Bunny,” explained Cohen, “and thought it would be smart to create a mascot to emulate its success.” Cohen’s bubbe then interrupted the press conference by asking the rabbi if he wanted more lox, causing a 5-minute interruption.

The contest to design the mascot received over 1000 submissions, including Harry the Hard Boiled Egg, Gil the Gefilte Fish, and Peter the Parsley-dipped-in-saltwater. Jacob Rubenstein of Teaneck, NJ submitted the winning design. When asked why he thinks he won, Rubenstein answered, “I know a guy.”

Schleppy plush dolls have hit the market en masse. Each doll can utter several phrases, including “Have a happy Passover”, “I found the Afikomen”, and “What’s the deal with airplane food, anyways?” Approximately 100,000 Schleppy dolls were sold in the first day alone, with only 45,000 returned for store credit.

KOSHER has also expressed interest in holding a new “Sunday Shabbat” before the beginning of the holiday and organizing a matzah ball hunt at the local JCC.

Unfortunately, Schleppy’s future is in doubt after two KOSHER members were named in the recent Passover scandal, Yeastgate.

EVANSTON—A group of Northwestern students spent their spring break learning the ins and outs of community service on Alternative Student Breaks’ first sexual tourism trip. Students who signed up for the excursion had the opportunity to perform service at all 13 of ASB’s existing sites, in such exotic locales as Missouri and Kansas.

“We wanted to be able to service as many communities as possible, so we decided to visit two sites a day. It was rigorous, but being able to interact with that many communities was definitely worth the strain,” says McCormick sophomore Charlie Jenkins.

Some of the communities that participating students serviced were the Cherokee Nation in Tahlequah, Oklahoma, the Philadelphia Veterans Multi-Service & Education Center, and a Colorado wolf sanctuary. But for Weinberg freshman Steve Johnson, the most meaningful experience was at the Wichita Children’s Home.
“It was really the children who needed my service more than anyone. Some of these children had never been serviced before, whereas most adults we met on the trip had been receiving service on a regular basis for years,” he said.

In addition to stimulating the residents, students also stimulated the local economies through their spending at fast food establishments and local pharmacies.

“I feel like we really made a difference in the lives of the needy, without having to do all that boring stuff like building affordable housing. ASB instilled in me a lifelong commitment to servicing communities across the United States,” says Medill senior Brian Hunt.

The new trip broke ASB records for enrollment, with 69 students participating in the expedition. NU President Morton Schapiro declined to comment on this momentous achievement.

CHICAGO—For you, I made it seventy degrees. Now you can wear that new skirt you’ve been waiting to show off since, oh, late August. I mean, seriously, that low cut is really cute and everyone is looking at you, babe.

What’s that you say an hour later? It’s raining and fifty? My bad. I can’t help but make it rain on them slightly flirtatious but ultimately shy NU girls. If it makes you feel better, I’ll throw in a little hail tonight.

Doesn’t it feel great to sit out by the rocks enjoying the sun while various couples make out around you because their love is too vast to be withheld inside and in private? I just wanted you to know how it feels so I can take added pleasure when I make it forty and raining next week. This is sadder than Kyle Rowley transferring from Northwestern.

You’re in my world now. If you don’t like it, you can move to Pandora. Oh, it doesn’t actually exist? That must make you clinically depressed.

There is nothing I enjoy more than giving you a taste of the good before I make it snow in April. Well, except for notifying the annoying census workers they will be jobless by the end of the year. That is something you can count on.