HOLLYWOOD—The CW has announced that come this fall they will air a new show called My Problems, a sitcom about a rich white girl placed in a new environment. The creator hinted at plot points including the main character meeting mostly white friends with one minority represented, one of her male friends turning out to be gay, and a tough decision between two gorgeous men.

Nicole Gottlieb, a CW spokesperson, remarked: “We at the CW felt that we didn’t have enough shows targeted at the female pre-teenage and teenage audiences about the problems of pretty white girls.” Her response to further inquiry about One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl, 90210, Melrose Place, and Life Unexpected was a curt “Those don’t count.”

The only other show that was competing for this timeslot in the CW’s line up was a show called Tribulations about the troubles of a single father raising his kids in south central Los Angeles trying to teach them about honor and life and evading his past life as a drug dealer. Gottlieb explained the choice of My Problems over Tribulations, saying that “We don’t believe that there is an audience for shows with new ideas, real emotions, themes that people can relate to, or character development.”

The projected ratings for My Problems are off the charts. Gottlieb attributes this largely to the reliability of the CW’s most reliable viewers, the doctor’s-office-waiting-room demographic.

EVANSTON—After his defeat in Wednesday’s vital ASG election, certain facts about Claire’s opponent have come to light concerning his true agenda. Alessio Manti, long thought to be striving for a piece of the political pie, is in actuality a simple vendor of incandescent lights, as evidenced by his most prominent campaign icon, an “A” inside one of the devices.

However, thanks to an overeager student body and his deep, sonorous voice easily confusable with that of a politician, he was all-too-swiftly placed along the pedestal of “candidate”. This can also be attributed to the long-standing tradition of keeping the voters as unaware as possible about the actual campaign issues at hand; preferring instead the “tactic” of plastering the candidates names everywhere with the hope that people would make a non-existent connection.

Sadly, most people only saw the light bulb and thought it was a metaphor. In fact, the logo’s message was intended to be much more blunt: he only wanted to increase sales. Perhaps if Alessio cast some light on where he really stood about how many sales he wanted to make, the types of lighting he could have provided, and how his new AllesiBulbs can eliminate the beer-goggle effect, he would have won over the hearts and minds of more students. As it stands, however, when The Flipside tried to question him on the issues, Alessio declined to comment. Upon further irritating him with light bulb puns, this reporter was forcibly launched from the audience. Perhaps Claire can clear up the question about why my current lighting situation also doubles as a “fire hazard”, but at the moment, we are all, as a student body, left in the dark without Alessio’s bright, shining future.

NEW YORK—Former Vice President Al Gore hastily scratched in the word “Vice” before “President Al Gore” Monday, startled from a moment lost in thought as a staffer asked if he was done endorsing a non-binding U.N. resolution. Internal sources report his “Vice” has grown increasingly haphazardly-placed in relation to the rest of his title and is always written last, often in lowercase.

The Nobel Prize winner currently divides his time between leading his Alliance for Climate Protection, and adding work history to his Facebook profile and fan page just to look, but not saving it.

EVANSTON—With students at Northwestern’s hea-a-a-a-a-a-rts already broken in excitement for Regina Spektor, Mayfest announced its second headliner for 2010 Dillo Day: Rabbi Joseph.

Famous for songs like “Shabbat Shalom!”, “Dreidel, Dreidel,” and “Give Me a Fucking Break, Palestine,” Rabbi Joseph’s name was a hard-won prize for NU. As with Spektor, Hillel contributed a large portion of their vast funding received through various donations, matzah sales, and Ponzi schemes. At least thirty percent of campus is schvitzing with excitement; many others are converting.

“Dude, Rabbi Joseph knows how to play that shofar,” says sophomore and future crowd surfer Levi Maccabi.

With the canting of Rabbi Joseph, the “Kosher Kid,” also comes new Dillo Day activities. There will be a hamantaschen station, matchmakers, and a cultural center to explain what this shit means.

One small issue, critics say, is that Dillo Day takes place on a Friday, the Jewish day of challah. This problem was put to rest, as “Rabbi Joseph will be too fucking wasted to care that he is playing on Shabbat,” according his website.

However, not everybody on campus was pleased with the choice. Students like John Mark Matthews, a member of the Harmony, Spirits and Redemption acapella show, are crusading for a different artist.

“I’m tired of Hillel running campus,” says Matthews, a blonde-haired, blue eyed junior. “Rabbi Joseph hasn’t produced something good since his Pink Floyd pseudo-sequel The Western Wall.”

EVANSTON—Civilians rejoiced on Wednesday after learning that vice president elect Hiro Kawashima had in fact saved Claire “The Cheerleader” Lew from the clutches of the sinister Alessio “Sylar” Manti. “Yatta!” exclaimed a delighted Kawashima as he stood next to the uninjured Lew, “I wish I could stop time right in this very moment.”

Things were looking grim for Claire and Hiro yesterday after Manti made a promise to “inherit the thoughts of [current President] Mike McGee.” He claimed that he was “stronger than ever” and that “no one can stop me now, not even you, Claire.” McGee has not been seen since.
Kawashima explained the thrilling 24 hours that followed to The Flipside: “I was ready to give up until my future self reminded me: Save the Cheerleader, save the world, save ASG. That’s when I knew I had to help her.”

The tumultuous final battle seemed to be tilting toward Manti and his running mate Adam Thompson-Harvey after Manti drove an incisive listserv email through Lew’s heart. However, she was able to recover, and with the help of both Kawashima and NU President Morton Shapiro (whose ability to fly proved invaluable), Claire was able to triumph.

“I’m glad they won,” said Medill junior Sarah Renner, “I just hope they don’t get significantly worse next season… I mean, quarter.”

EVANSTON—In a startling discovery garnering the attention of local news media, NU Anthropology major and incipient researcher Allison Dumke, through her immersion in local culture, has uncovered the existence of a social life.

“I will not commit the error of overgeneralizing—often called the ‘ethnographic fallacy,’—nor yet speculate on the structural or political economic exigencies of my subjects,” Dumke said, “but it appears they deploy this ‘social life,’ if you will, to have—in a hegemonically constructed, definitely not a priori or ‘given’ sense—fun.” Over the course of a year of fieldwork, she was obliged to attend gatherings where these subjects engaged in an array of rituals involving conversation, drinking, musical performances, long walks, or simply sitting in place together. The reason for these ceremonial practices eludes contemporary anthropologists.

In a brave attempt to resist romanticizing the indigenous, or overly identifying with them in an effort to ‘go native,’ Dumke has declined all offers from her informants to help her in developing her own social life. “It works…within…their culture,” the erstwhile researcher articulated, “But there are experiential limits to cultural relativism. I cannot simply ‘hang out’ for no reason.”

What similarity these humans-with-a-social-life might have to fully civilized, modern, present day human anthropology students at Northwestern remains unanswered as of press time.