LOS ANGELES—In a press conference Tuesday, the management team for 32-year-old American musician John Mayer unveiled the next step in building his popularity.

“He must die,” manager Michael McDonald told the gathering. “With John’s untimely death in the coming year, we’re confident that he will be cemented right up there with all the greats of popular music. His current fans will become superfans, and those who once found him annoying will respect him as having been ‘actually pretty talented.’ It’s simply the right thing to do.”

The move comes after a 2-year-long research initiative undertaken by Mayer’s publicity agency in New York, NY. The data released by Ken Sunshine Consultants, Inc. reveal that Mayer occupies an extremely unique window of time in his career during which his untimely death would benefit him immensely. “History really guided us during this research,” remarked project manager Lucas Spangler, “and we see it over and over. The career boost afforded to Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison and a handful of others who expired unexpectedly is unparalleled. He has given us a couple respectable albums, but still isn’t quite overexposed. John is at the perfect place in his career to be taken from us.”

The study also utilized advanced computer modeling to analyze the potential for musicians who lived past their prime. “While it is clear that Michael Jackson was still immensely popular at the time of his recent death,” continued Spangler, “Had he died right after the release of ‘Bad’ and before the weird stuff, his popularity would have been unprecedented. Also, Ringo would be much better off today had he been hit by a bus in 1970, but that’s fairly common knowledge.”

Mayer’s management team has already begun putting together his farewell tour for the coming season, with expected sold-out crowds across 30 performances. “I’m going to miss my fans, but this sudden death will secure my music and popularity for generations to come. I know it’s all for the best,” remarked Mayer in a press release. After his death, the value of souvenirs from the tour will skyrocket, and rock magazines will finally have a fresh figure to feed off of every week for the next 60 years.

Though it is not known precisely when or how Mayer will be killed off, the research panel recommended that it happen no later than age 33. “At 33 he’s still young and tolerated, but once he’s technically in his mid-30′s, he won’t be as cool.” Added Spangler, “Soon. Don’t worry.”

PHOENIX, ARIZONA—The Arizona police department released a statement yesterday saying that an addition of 3 million dollars will supplement the police budget in order to improve the racial profiling skills of its officers. This spending increase comes on the heels of SB1070, which requires officers to ask for papers from anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant.

According to Governor Jan Brewer, “The program will have very similar goals as the program that enabled the Department of Homeland Security to stop all of those turban-wearing terrorists from boarding our planes.”

When asked what the effort would entail, chief of police Roger Brown answered that the primary addition would be coursework that would help “refine our prejudices and make sure our first impressions and stereotypes are up to modern standards. The stereotype of the immigrant fresh from the border holding a taco and wearing a sombrero is no longer accurate. Chimichangas and Yankee caps are now what’s chic for the illegal alien population.”

Officers from other states are even clamoring to sign up. Longtime citizen and self-professed American hero Chuck Smith from Alabama claims: “Racial profiling has been a hidden but essential component in American patriotism. I am happy to see that my deep-seated hate of people who don’t like Nascar and Mountain Dew has been correct all along. My services are needed here in the great state of Arizona. I look to further hone my illegal-alien-hatin’ skills and get ‘er done.”

When asked if the curriculum would comply with the 14th Amendment, an audible groan and a mumbled, “damn, forgot about that one” followed by an “I thought that only applied to slavery” was heard from the governor’s desk.

MAITLAND, FLORIDA—Electronic Arts, the makers of the popular Madden NFL series, today announced a brand new attribute for Madden NFL ’11 named “Willpower.”

“We really felt that Tim Tebow transcends the game of football and that he deserved his own category,” said lead designer Ian Cummings. “Tebow’s skill set doesn’t fit into traditional categories like arm strength, accuracy and field awareness. He brings another facet to the game that’s never been seen before.”

Despite possessing mediocre ratings in throwing power and accuracy, important abilities for a QB, his Willpower rating of 100 will make him the best quarterback in the game.

NFL Network Draft Expert Mike Mayock praised the new category, saying that “off-the-chart intangibles” could now be defined for the first time in history.

“Tebow brings more than a love of Phillippians 2:34 and a healthy appreciation for abstinence to the table,” said Mayock. “He’s a proven winner. Florida’s incredible stock of talent was only able to win games due to [Tebow's] sheer force of will.”

Tim Tebow issued a statement praising the creation of the new category, saying that “only with my 100 Willpower rating was I able to dodge that abortion.”

However, some NFL athletes are upset by the new rating system. Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell created a Facebook group called “Winning Ain’t Everything, Celebrate Mediocrity — presented by Skittles. Taste the Rainbow.” Joining Russell is a long list of underachieving NFL players, such as Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler and Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams.

“What the fuck does ‘Willpower’ even mean?” said Jay Cutler, who has a Willpower rating of 1. “I have diabetes. Trying is hard!”

EA Tiburon demonstrated the Willpower rating by simulating a game between the Denver Broncos with Tim Tebow at the helm facing off against the Detroit Lions. Despite being the highest ranked QB in the game, Tebow went 11 for 35 with 128 yards and 1 interception. The Lions won 17-6.

When asked if the Madden team was happy about the demonstration, Ian Cummings responded enthusiastically.

“You could really tell Tebow was giving it his full effort out there.”

EVANSTON—Legend tells of an Einstein Bros. Bagels on campus. Every once in a while, somebody claims to have caught a glimpse of the yellow letters that make up the title, but nobody can identify its exact location. It’s as if whoever built this store never intended for it to actually get any business. After much research and deliberation, a team of archaeologists has decided to make it their mission to find it.

The legend of the Einstein Bros. Bagels has sparked a lot of controversy, confusion and passion. The people who claim to have “seen it,” are always unable to lead anybody else back to it on demand. They just get lost somewhere around Tech. Some people claim that they have actually eaten there multiple times, but there is no evidence to support these statements. One student reported that her friend set out to find it, and he never came back: “I kept telling him not to go and look for it, but he wouldn’t listen. And now he’s gone [sobs].” Another student said that it exists, but conditions just have to be right: “It’s gotta be a little rainy, and ya just gotta be feelin’ it, ya know what I mean? It’s out there, all right.” Other people argue that it’s just an urban legend. One graduate student is skeptical: “People just get carried away with stories and myths and such. If there were an Einstein Bros. Bagels on campus, there would be signs around to help us find it. Duh!”

Luckily, it looks as if this cloud has a silver lining. Dr. Richard McManus, 53, a prominent archaeologist and expert on elusive modern architecture, has finished gathering some of the finest archaeologists from around the globe and prepared millions of dollars worth of equipment to embark on what he calls his “most ambitious quest yet.” McManus, the winner of the Keeler’s International Archaeological Achievement Award in 2003 and a Nobel Prize in 1998, describes his team: “They are without a doubt the most talented and wise archaeologists the world has to offer. I’m sure that they will be able to piece together all of the clues to help me find my prize. It’s sure to be one hell of a ride. I mean, Atlantis was one thing, but this is like… totally different.”

McManus and his team will set out from Tech on Wednesday, sources say. Yet many are concerned that he is making a foolish decision. Joseph Roberts, a friend of McManus, says “Richard is just so stubborn. No matter what his family and I say, he just insists on attempting the impossible.

NEW YORK—Going back to the league’s roots, NBA Commissioner David Stern has replaced the NBA Cares initiative with the more accurate NBA Doesn’t Care policy.

“I was tired of seeing my superstars lying to the public,” explained Stern. “They really don’t give a shit about the community.”

Gone will be the forced commercials featuring little kids smiling while tall basketball players glance awkwardly at the camera pretending that this is what they want to be doing. Back again will be exciting clips of NBA players doing what NBA players do best: dunking a small ball into a hoop, getting tattoos, and driving expensive cars around.

“Thank God I don’t have to shovel snow with inner-city school kids anymore,” said 15-time All-Star Shaquille O’Neal. “Now I can get back to what I really care about—working on my free throws.”

NBA Doesn’t Care reverts back to neglecting the communities that support the league and who look up to athletes as role models.

“Seriously, why the hell are kids looking up to me as a role model?” asked Allen Iverson.

“Why we talkin’ about charity? I’m supposed to be the franchise player and we’re talking about charity. Not a game, not a game: charity,” Iverson added.  

However, projections show that NBA Doesn’t Care will generate more money than the older program due to its other provisions, added to compensate for the loss of revenue. Capital will be raised by allowing players to donate money to see refs physically swallow their whistles and dunk them in dunk tanks. Viewers will also be allowed to place bets on various refs fighting Rasheed Wallace in boxing matches.

EVANSTON—Enraged and confused, Ernie Dinkelberg, 38, told Flipside reporters on Monday that he is still frantically searching for an application to Hogwarts.

Dinkelberg, who proudly admitted to having read the Harry Potter saga 47 times, said that although he has pored over the series meticulously, he has resigned himself to the fact that J.K. Rowling never mentions where or when to obtain and submit applications.

“Do I know how to make the perfect Polyjuice Potion? Yes. Do I know how kill an adversarial wizard with an Unforgivable Curse without opening my mouth? Yes. I know Hogwarts is the school for me. I just have to apply,” said Dinkelberg.

Myrna Dinkelberg, Ernie’s mother, said that she is concerned about Ernie, but hopes he soon finds what he’s looking for.

“I’d rather have him in that Hogfarts place than in my basement, you know what I mean?” said Mrs. Dinkelberg. “I just want that loser out of my house.”

Ernie Dinkelberg has taken to waiting by his mailbox for 18-hour periods seven days a week, periodically opening the mail slot and peering inside.

“He needs to get a job,” said Mrs. Dinkelberg.

“The dude’s insane, man,” said Brett Miller, a neighbor of Dinkelberg. “Sometimes, just to screw with him, I’ll, like, leaves sticks and rocks in his mailbox and watch him freak!”

“It’s just like messing with my guinea pig, except way more awesome,” Miller added, while slowly rolling the “most epic fatty this side of the Mississippi,” officials confirmed.

“I just don’t understand,” said Dinkelberg, absently stroking the neck of his battered copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. “The Ministry of Magic has left several wands and sorcerer’s stones in my mailbox, obviously trying to hint they want me at their educational establishment. I just wish they’d be more specific about the application procedure.”

Dinkelberg said he understands that Hogwarts isn’t for everyone, and is determined to show his persistence and dedication to the school by continuing his search for an application.

“The kid is an idiot,” Mrs Dinkelberg noted, after downing her 7th shot of whiskey. “Why me? That’s what I’m curious about.”

Although he has yet to make any sort of progress whatsoever, Dinkelberg remains steadfast in his commitment to the school.

“People try to tell me that Hogwarts isn’t real,” said Dinkelberg. “But then I just tell them about Harry’s story. It’s an adventure so pure and mystifying—you can’t just make that stuff up, you know?”

EVANSTON—Today, Evanston Whole Foods manager Mickey McGonnell announced that Whole Foods will cease operations effective immediately and will begin the transition towards becoming a retirement home. The move was made after a 3-month analysis of Evanston Whole Foods customers concluded that 90% are over the age of 65.

“I mean come on, look around” McGonnell said. “This store has more canes and walkers per capita than anywhere outside of Florida. And that old-people smell was starting to contaminate our products”. According to the general manager, Whole Foods tried to attract new customers with special deals and promotions but has found little success.

“Well, yeah, we tried deals, but we’re still Whole Foods. We have to maintain our sterling reputation we have built over the years,” the GM told The Flipside. “If we didn’t charge obscene prices for the same types of products you could get at Jewel, then we would no longer be the highest quality grocery store in the land! And those organic labels are actually quite expensive. Wait, what was the question?”

The Flipside then asked again about the failed special deals. “We did try to offer 10% off for college students because I think there is a university pretty close to our store, but our computers crashed when we tried to enter in the reduced prices. I don’t think they can handle discounts. So then we offered a special microwaved pizza slice for $7.50 only for college students. Surprisingly, the offer did not gain a lot of popularity.”

As a result of these failures to diversify their clientele, Whole Foods will begin the transition to a senior home soon. Since many of the elderly customers visit the store multiple times per day, 17-year-old cashier Veronica Billows doesn’t believe the change will be too difficult. “I already know many of the customers very well by now. They’re my grannies and grampies. Now they can just live here instead of having to travel back and forth between the store and their homes. We already have everything they will need here: Back to Nature wafers for breakfast, organic goat cheese for lunch, and some organic salmon with antioxidant shea butter for dinner! Plus, we can give them Celestial Seasonings’ Sleepytime Vanilla Tea before they go to sleep. It will be great.”

Whole Foods Evanston will be rebranded Wholesome Lifeways and has already announced its fees for residents: a $5 hourly living rate and $10 per meal. Each senior will be given one free Gojilania Goji and Mangosteen Juice Blend per day.