PHOENIX—Arizona Governor Jan Brewer (R) announced this week that the state would be building a Fence of Liberty to greet all those crossing over the border from Mexico. The new structure will be covered in copper, with armed guard towers aloft every 100 yards. On the US side, the fence will read July IV MDCCLXXVI, commemorating the Declaration of Independence, while on the Mexican side it will read April XXIII MMX, commemorating the passage of Arizona Senate Bill 1070, the law that led to the creation of this monument to relations between the two countries.

A press release following the announcement of the Fence of Liberty stated that “it is the hope of the government of Arizona that this endeavor will help to improve US-Mexican relations. It has long been said that good fences make good neighbors and, well, that’s one hell of a fence.”

Yet in spite of official enthusiasm for the project, the Fence of Liberty is not without its detractors, from immigrant-rights groups who claim that the fence represents racism on the part of the state government to firefighters who fear that sun reflecting off of the miles of copper plating will cause massive brushfires. Perhaps the most vocal opposition to the fence comes from the State of New Jersey, which claims that Arizona is infringing on a beloved New Jersey landmark. The State of New York claims that the State of New Jersey is full of shit, and that Arizona is in fact infringing in its beloved landmark.

Without unified legal opposition to the new monument, all these detractors have is their words and their petty East Coast squabbles. Construction on the Fence of Liberty is slated to begin in August, pending funding approval.

EVANSTON—In what is being called the worst wave of viral attacks in recent years, Northwestern’s Laptop ER service was plunged into frantic technical support overtime as dozens of—mostly male—students brought in their computers after a crippling wave of pornographic entertainment. Although often considered harmless, the sex came with a price: viruses, worms, and predatory infections, often causing their victims to seize up—or stop functioning altogether.

“We’ve seen this kind of thing before, but never this bad,” said ER Specialist Derek Brown. “Somebody out there is making access to these whores even cheaper and easier. It’s sick. In the hands of our students, some of these poor laptops never had a chance.”

In keeping with the custom of triage developed on the battlefields of World War I—by which wounded are grouped into three categories in order to prioritize help to those who might benefit most—workers valiantly made grim decisions on the café tables at Norris Center. Though a fortunate third of the laptops were given the full attention of tech experts, another third languished in waiting, as they carried only mild computer viruses. A final third were unfortunately left to die, or given the option of wiping their hard drives clean.

Crying and cradling his still-young but cold Toshiba, Matt Deshevny called out, “Why? Why are you gone? All those hotties! All those videos! Twenty hours of DP!”

“I am afraid there was just too much high-resolution tail ready for download out there,” Brown intoned. “We did what we could.”

EVANSTON—Due to a dearth of athletic achievement at Northwestern, the University has decided to hang a banner in honor of retiring Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens. Justice Stevens attended Northwestern Law School before making it all the way to the Supreme Court. The banner will feature the number of cases he participated in below his last name.

One of the more famous cases he presided over was Row v. Wade, in which he ruled that women have the right to choose when to terminate the wading process and start rowing during interscholastic crew races.

Although banners are usually reserved for accomplishments on the athletic field, the University was willing to make an exception in this special case. According to President Schapiro, “We are honored to commemorate the historic achievements of Justice Stevens in his time on the court. There is a lot to be said for doing well on the court that our athletic teams could definitely take to heart. Besides, it will be a nice change of pace from those women’s lacrosse banners. They just get old after a while.”

He then added, “The way Justice Stevens was able to provide the court with doses of conservatism liberally but yet conserve his liberalism even approaching the end of his tenure was extraordinary.”

Student reaction has been relatively ambivalent to the news. Said one engineering student, “John Stevens? Is he that kid in my mathematics class?”

EVANSTON—Katherine Eisner, a Weinberg economics major, was dismayed to hear that she would be once again learning about the famous Prisoner’s Dilemma in her game theory class. “Great,” sighed an exasperated Eisner, “just great. I don’t think it stuck the first 12 times I learned it, but 13th time’s the charm, right?”

“The Prisoner’s Dilemma is a fundamental and central example in the field of game theory,” explained Joan Docter, Eisner’s professor, “and it is impossible to proceed without first reviewing this basic concept.” Eisner’s reply was simple: “I really don’t care. I swear to god, if I hear about each individual’s likelihood to defect one more time, I will flip. There won’t be any hope for a cooperative equilibrium after that.”

“I would ignore it,” the junior explained, “but I know there will be that one question on the test about tit for tat, and that shit always gets me. I don’t have a choice besides showing up and listening to the definition of ‘iteration’ again.”

Eisner believes that the constant repetition of the Prisoner’s Dilemma prevents students from learning more important concepts. “We could be learning about so many more interesting things if not for this damn concept. For instance, every time I think about the Prisoner’s Dilemma, I get a headache. I guess there’s a causal link between the two. Now there’s something that would be interesting to learn about.”

CHICAGO—Somewhere between Alfonso Soriano striking out and purchasing a hot dog for $6, most of the 800 Northwestern students at the Cubs-Marlins game began to wonder what the point of it all was.

“Being the lovable losers is nice,” said New York native sophomore Nate Atkins of the 14-18 Cubs, who haven’t won an MLB championship since 1908. “But what are they ultimately losing?”

“Nothing,” Atkins added.

Tucked away in the corner of Wrigley Field—a field so steeped in tradition that it has old fashioned vantage points where spectators can barely see the game—NU students looked at Cubs fans spilling beer over themselves, not remotely paying attention to the game, and screaming obscenities at the White Sox, the umpire, the opposing fans, and each other.

“Where are the Cubs going?” asked Boston native Lauren Wallace as fans starting singing ‘Go Cubs, Go’ with two outs in the ninth.

Carlos Marmol proceeded to walk a batter with the bases loaded and then hit back to back batters, causing the Cubs to lose 5-4.

“There is always next year,” said Cubs fan and Medill Freshman Seth Bernstine. “But what if there isn’t? What if 2012 actually happens? What if Lou Pinalla spontaneously combusts as he argues with the umpire? What even is a year but an artificial timeline constructed by man? If time is artificial, do we even have time? Why am I here?”

EVANSTON—Winston “Chet” Moscowitz was arrested shortly past noon on Friday for riding a longboard, when campus managed to tackle and subsequently subdue him, but not before fracturing two ribs.

Police officer Daniel Lucerin commented on the incident: “When we see those kids on their skateboards, it’s not so much an issue of public safety. No, this is much more about knowing one’s place. There’s a hierarchy in place here. If chess-clubbers like Moscowitz thinks he’s cool, what next? Aspirations? Dreams? Hope? When you’ve been on the beat long enough, you come to realize what all of those point towards: false confidence, and of course, guns. Always guns.”

At this point, Officer Lucerin clubbed Moscowitz in the back of the head, possibly to make a point. Luckily, no one of actual importance was injured as the officers apprehended the technically-slower-than-walking vehicle during passing time.