EVANSTON—A controversial new initiative sponsored by the Gender Studies department intends to revive customs long thought by intellectual heavyweights to be part and parcel of outmoded gender concepts. Though it may be difficult to imagine now, there was once a time when women had to fend off the attentions of men on campus, who would approach them, signal their interest, begin a conversation, and finally ask them out to some form of social gathering. The women, it was reported, would say yes or no, depending on if they liked the guy. This endured until seventies-era student cohorts began to realize that was all structured gender oppression and the tyranny of the male gaze.

Yet thanks to a generation of virtual reality, declining public life, increased social isolation, and a general slowing-down of American childhood development, those dark days are long over, leading many to question why Gender Studies wants to reverse all that.

“Um, well, nobody was getting any—on any kind of regular basis,” said Gender Studies archivist Sybelline Peters-Garcia. “And we were contacted because of our award-winning work on gendered interactions, and, well, we, um, had a frank conversation about the last time we saw somebody get hit on.”

“We date the definitive end of these practices back to what I call Late Grunge, roughly 1995,” recalls History Professor Jordan Severinsen.

Since then the prevalence of secondary means of achieving intercourse—namely, getting drunk and falling on top of someone—have virtually replaced the archaic custom of the “hit-on.” Remnants of these ancient practices, however, still plague present-day college students. “You had clueless women thinking they were ‘sending signals’ no guy could hear, and clueless guys wondering what they had to do to ‘get a piece of that pie,’ with both parties locked in absolute silence and terror, glancing at each other over the computers in the library,” Peters-Garcia continued. Interestingly, queer students will not benefit from the initiative, as same-sex interactions seem to have preserved the rudimentary elements of how to cruise.

“Once we realized that we had a backlog of research here, mostly written by angry feminist undergrads in the seventies and eighties, it was a no-brainer,” she said. “We know what hitting on people used to look like. Now, they desperately need to figure out how to get the goods. We are just putting the two together.”

The commentary on these male displays of interest, frozen in countless densely worded papers, will be interpreted with the help of Performance Studies students into skits, interpretive dances, and a series of ultra-realistic, step-by-step examples. Workshops have already begun.

“I—like—you,” says one male participant, who wished to remain anonymous, during a recent roleplay.

“Good,” enthused doctoral student Antoine Sellers, “Now tell her something nice about her.”

After an agonizing ten second delay, the participant continued, “You—are—funny.”

“We might…get along?” said his female counterpart, who also wished to remain anonymous, unless he wanted her name, which he should have asked for, unless he didn’t want it—did he?—as both looked away, and then at their group leader for confirmation.

“The teaching goes both ways,” said workshop coordinators Lisa Gerards, “You have no idea how many of these girls have no clue when they are being hit on. By the same token, we need to teach these valuable ‘hitting-on’ skills to women as well, as it becomes apparent that the species could die out waiting on these dweeby studs to get a move on.”

Though higher level activities, such as sharing dinner, dancing more or less facing each other, and mutual offers of back rubs, are scheduled in the series, the program is still in its tentative stages. “We don’t want to scare them away,” said Sellers. “No one should have to think that full engagement with another human being is the ultimate goal. None of us is ready for that world.”

The new university president, Morton Schapiro, at first pledged financial support and commended the initiative, thinking it was intended to curb gender-related violence or increase equity in leadership support for women students. Finally cognizant of the actual nature of the workshops far too late, Schapiro was reticent: “Are you serious? They don’t know how to what?”

Defending the use of funds, Gerards had this to say: “Think of the children. Or, rather, not any. Ever.”

We All Need to Do Our Part to Save the Ocean

By Dr. Floyd M.F. Jenkins

British Petroleum, more commonly known as BP, caused a terrible accident this month when their oil rig malfunctioned and began leaking.  This is a new breed of oil spill — while earlier incidents (such as the Exxon-Valdez disaster) had a finite quantity of pollutant that was confined to the contents of a tanker, here the oil supply is basically limitless.  This leak, which has been named “Deepwater Horizon,” is very difficult to control and gushes millions of gallons of oil every day. 

Sea life in the Gulf of Mexico is helpless to fight off the deadly oil; as a result, the biodiversity in affected areas is decreasing at an alarming rate.  Every organism is precious; as humans, we have no right to let them die because of our foolish actions.  We must find a way to halt the damage as soon as possible. 

Though pointing fingers is generally unproductive, BP has committed one of the most unforgivable and careless mistakes of the 21^st century, and an example should be made. Congress has taken little to no action to indict this company and force them to take responsibility for their failings; this shows the current problem with our world. We can avoid such tragedy in the future only by showing the world that carelessness is not to be tolerated.

I implore you all to think of the ecosystems, even the ones underwater hundreds of miles away.  If we don’t watch out for the animals living in and nearby the sea, who’s to say that we could protect animals on land?  After a certain point, there will not be enough clean earth for any significant amount of wildlife to subsist on — all because of human folly.

Not If You Don’t Give Two Shits About The Environment
By Earl Stevies

There’s nothin I hate more than city-slickers tellin me bout what I need to be doin. My old lady and I shop at Walmart and we’re God damn proud to use plastic plates and silverware for every meal. There specially good cause when I throw them plates at this here TV whenever I get angsty over a NASCAR race, it don’t break the TV.

This here environment thingy needs to mind its own business. I don’t give a rats batootie whether or not there’s oil in the ocean. Think about all the money them fishies and manatees goin be makin now that they got all that oil. Hell, I’ll take an oil leak any day in my trailer, make me a rich man. I’d buy one uh them, uh, fancy VCR’s so my cousin can come over and entertain his kids. Those damn fish might finally smarten up, stop getting duped by them earth worms. Those things are good though, can’t blame em for that.

Shit, I don’t even know where the Gulf of Mexico is or any of that nonsense. If you ask me, it seems like Mexico’s problem, I don’t see what Amurica got to do with it.

Really want to know whats I thinkin? I think that Hussein Obama sabotaged the oil rig so we have to switch to alternative energy like wind and all that other gay shit.

I ain’t gotta help clean nothin cause I don’t give a shit about no environment. What’s it ever done for me?

HOLLYWOOD—NBC executives announced today the launch of a brand new drama which will debut next fall. It’s called 24: Lost and will focus on a protagonist, Shepherd Bauer who tries to prevent terrorist attacks on a strange island. According to producers, the drama will feature numerous twists and turns which will shock the audience like nothing they have ever seen before.

The Flipside has obtained a leaked script for an episode from the first season which surely serves as an indication for what to expect from this breakthrough drama. Without giving too much away, we can tell you that a scientist from the DTN (Dharma Terrorist Network) tries to smuggle a nuclear bomb onto the island and threatens to detonate it unless they can take hostage President of the Others Omar Widmore. If the bomb explodes, the island might spiral into a sideways universe 10 years into the future which may or may not represent purgatory.

Bauer will lead numerous dangerous missions to extinguish threats with the technical support of CTU: Island and his trusted friend Chloe Austin. Bauer will be assisted by his number two in command Cole Reyes, who may have a propensity for the word “dude” and have a secret affair with an ex-convict turned spy for the DTN: Libby Walsh. Other than the DTN, CTU will have to deal with a smoke monster which can override aerial drones and will face the threat of an EMP being detonated at their Orchid headquarters which would render it useless unless it can be stopped by an electromagnetically immune character named Arlo Hume.

NBC executives are tremendously optimistic that the show will be a big success for the network, following in the footsteps of other NBC hits like the Marriage Ref, The Jay Leno Show, The Biggest Loser, and Minute to Win It. “We believe 24: Lost will bring an entirely new experience to television” said NBC executive Mort Zuckergood. “Its originality should bring great results and help it develop a strong fan base which will abandon their lives to spend hours and hours debating the underlying meanings of our plot-lines on blogs and websites.”

PHOENIX—Arizona Governor Jan Brewer (R) announced this week that the state would be building a Fence of Liberty to greet all those crossing over the border from Mexico. The new structure will be covered in copper, with armed guard towers aloft every 100 yards. On the US side, the fence will read July IV MDCCLXXVI, commemorating the Declaration of Independence, while on the Mexican side it will read April XXIII MMX, commemorating the passage of Arizona Senate Bill 1070, the law that led to the creation of this monument to relations between the two countries.

A press release following the announcement of the Fence of Liberty stated that “it is the hope of the government of Arizona that this endeavor will help to improve US-Mexican relations. It has long been said that good fences make good neighbors and, well, that’s one hell of a fence.”

Yet in spite of official enthusiasm for the project, the Fence of Liberty is not without its detractors, from immigrant-rights groups who claim that the fence represents racism on the part of the state government to firefighters who fear that sun reflecting off of the miles of copper plating will cause massive brushfires. Perhaps the most vocal opposition to the fence comes from the State of New Jersey, which claims that Arizona is infringing on a beloved New Jersey landmark. The State of New York claims that the State of New Jersey is full of shit, and that Arizona is in fact infringing in its beloved landmark.

Without unified legal opposition to the new monument, all these detractors have is their words and their petty East Coast squabbles. Construction on the Fence of Liberty is slated to begin in August, pending funding approval.

EVANSTON—In what is being called the worst wave of viral attacks in recent years, Northwestern’s Laptop ER service was plunged into frantic technical support overtime as dozens of—mostly male—students brought in their computers after a crippling wave of pornographic entertainment. Although often considered harmless, the sex came with a price: viruses, worms, and predatory infections, often causing their victims to seize up—or stop functioning altogether.

“We’ve seen this kind of thing before, but never this bad,” said ER Specialist Derek Brown. “Somebody out there is making access to these whores even cheaper and easier. It’s sick. In the hands of our students, some of these poor laptops never had a chance.”

In keeping with the custom of triage developed on the battlefields of World War I—by which wounded are grouped into three categories in order to prioritize help to those who might benefit most—workers valiantly made grim decisions on the café tables at Norris Center. Though a fortunate third of the laptops were given the full attention of tech experts, another third languished in waiting, as they carried only mild computer viruses. A final third were unfortunately left to die, or given the option of wiping their hard drives clean.

Crying and cradling his still-young but cold Toshiba, Matt Deshevny called out, “Why? Why are you gone? All those hotties! All those videos! Twenty hours of DP!”

“I am afraid there was just too much high-resolution tail ready for download out there,” Brown intoned. “We did what we could.”