Category Archives: No. 39

activities-fair

Activities Fair Perfect Time to Brush Against Cute Girl’s Ass

activities-fair

EVANSTON—This Monday, freshmen poured into Norris for the Activities Fair, a time-worn Northwestern tradition in which members of the incoming class sign away their inboxes to listserv upon listserv in exchange for free candy. The entire Class of 2013 was successfully crammed into the student center, effectively causing what administrators called “a fire code nightmare.” Some freshmen, however, decided to turn the close-quarters situation into their advantage. Casually walking past the “Germ”any Disease Association, young freshmen like Jeff Lerman moved

risers

Two Dead, Others Injured in Bed Riser Collapse

risers

EVANSTON—This week, Weinberg freshman Stu Pitt and his roommate Tim Burr perished after falling two feet and three inches when Pitt’s bed risers caved in. The four-inch-tall risers were a violation of Northwestern University’s housing code, which prohibits any kind of lofted furniture. “This is for safety reasons,” said NU housing representative Justin Thyme. “When I reflect upon this great tragedy, it’s clear to me that the boys would still be alive today if they’d just followed the rules. It’s

P1040010

Heroic Student Assassinates CAESAR

P1040010

EVANSTON—Fed up with CAESAR’s tyrannical bullshit, Computer Science graduate student Andy “Brutus” Swanson vanquished the online academic portal in a carnal, adrenaline-driven massacre on Friday night. “Seriously, what the hell?” Swanson screamed at his web browser in the encounter leading up to the brutal slaying. “Yeah, sure, the class doesn’t exist even though I was just there this morning.” He proceeded to fiddle around with settings, unchecking some boxes in an effort to make his class appear in his rush

siberia

Area Student Sexiled to Siberia

siberia

EVANSTON—Many residents complain about Chicago’s winter, but last week a local student experienced an inconvenience even worse than a 2 a.m. walk to BK in lake-effect snow conditions. When Northwestern student Greg Conrad left class last Friday he discovered he had been “sexiled” out of the country. Through some sort of miscommunication, Conrad was shipped off to Siberia, a frozen, desolate wasteland, where he survived only on his knowledge of “Man vs. Wild.” Conrad complained, “my roommate texted me being