Category Archives: No. 40

Blind_man

Student Discovered to Have Feigned Blindness to Gain Admission

Blind_man

Northwestern Remains a Need-Blind School EVANSTON—This Sunday, allegedly blind Weinberg freshman Dave White was found to be faking his condition. White reportedly fabricated the story in order to gain admittance to Northwestern on the basis of adding to a more diverse class. White’s roommate, Medill freshman Kevin Wu, discovered that it was all an act. “I noticed some weird things about the way he acted that made me suspect he wasn’t actually blind,” Wu says. “Sometimes I would catch him

93542361-HOBO

Hobo Calls Big Bite Night “The Best Thing Ever”

93542361-HOBO

EVANSTON—The City of Evanston’s annual restaurant fair attracted all types of foodies Sunday. Among them was Lucas Rogers, area transient, who praised the event as “totally awesome.” Rogers, who usually sets up camp outside the Papa John’s on Clark and Benson, left his post this Sunday to take six separate trips around the neighborhood for the event, hitting various stations with and without his hat to appear like a different person. “I admit, it’s a change from my usual fare:

Australian troops enter a German trench during WWI.

Germany Settles WWI Debt to Allies: “What other war?” asks Chancellor

Australian troops enter a German trench during WWI.

BERLIN—This past Sunday, German Chancellor Angela Merkel held a special rally to announce that Germany’s WWI debts had officially been paid off, and her nation’s conscience could now rest easy. Raucous applause was cut short, however, when an aide frantically rushed onstage to inform Merkel that Germany had, in fact, been involved another major conflict since Armistice Day, 1917. “Why was I not told?” Chancellor Merkel reportedly hissed, as her supporters frantically began to murmur amongst themselves. “Did we win?

pakistan-flood

UN: Red Cross Flooded Pakistan to Raise Awareness

pakistan-flood

NEW YORK—Last Friday, the United Nations Subcommittee on Natural Disasters released a report crediting the International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) with the recent Pakistani floods that have left 21 million homeless. The investigation cited anonymous sources in the organization, who said the disaster created “new publicity and fundraising opportunities.” Red Cross President Jakob Kellenberger immediately accepted full responsibility for the floods. In a recent press conference, the President promised that, due to conflict-of-interest concerns, the organization would remove

chileankids

Chilean Government Pledges Alcohol and Cigarettes for Minors in Need

chileankids

SANTIAGO, CHILE—The Chilean minors have been neglected for months, but with a new government program entitled “No Minor Left Behind” (NMLB), the Chilean government vows to make sure each minor is given essentials that everyone needs: a six-pack of Budweiser and a pack of cigarettes. “It is essential to promote the health and well-being of every citizen, especially the children” commented one government spokesman about NMLB, which looks to be implemented before the year’s end, “By the end of the

vuvuzela

Bienen Student Eyes Vuvuzela Performance Studies Major

vuvuzela

EVANSTON—Amidst the drama of hundreds of undergraduates struggling to decide on a major to pursue, one brave sophomore sought solace in his newly-developed track of study. “I’ve been wanting to study the vuvuzela ever since I can remember,” Freddie Marks (Bienen ’13) droned. “I just think at this point in time, a degree in vuvuzela performance would be most beneficial to me and my family.” Northwestern is known for its program where students can design their own major if unsatisfied

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