EVANSTON—Donning a fresh new suit, an American flag pin, and a Bill Clinton mask, McCormick sophomore Shane Feinberg strolled out of Allison Hall a confident man Saturday night.  He was 0 for 13 so far in his Northwestern flirting career, but there was no doubt in his mind that Saturday would be the night a female would rendezvous with his slick Willie.

For that night he was not Shane Feinberg, the awkward Jewish kid whose greatest scores had come on calculus tests. No, for just one evening he would walk out the door as William Jefferson Clinton, the 42nd president of the United States and the ultimate player-pimp.

Shane arrived at the front door of Lambda Chi’s Halloween Dance Party with his presidential swagger on overdrive.  To say he was flying like a G6 would be a severe understatement. He was flying like Air Force One.

“I thought it was going to happen right then and there,” said Feinberg after the first girl he met that night introduced herself as Monica.  However, the girl merely smiled at him and moved on to a similarly dressed student wearing a slightly more relevant mask.

“He’s definitely still hot even though he’s old”, remarked Weinberg freshman Monica Iksniwel, “but I’m into that black guy who sits in the Oval Office now. He just gets me so horny with all his talk of change and stuff.”

Feinberg continued trying to spit presidential game but kept losing girls to the guy with the Obama mask.

“I saw this black guy on TV in Grant Park on Election Day and there were hundreds of hot girls holding his picture so I figured if I dressed up as him, I’d surely get some”, said David Palmer, a Medill sophomore.  “Boy, was I right.”

Feeling defeated towards the end of the night, Feinberg began to text his ex-girlfriend Hillary.

“He said I was the only woman he ever loved and that I melted his heart in my powder-blue blouse”, said Hillary Johnson, 19.  “I would’ve thought about taking him back, but I’m not sure how my girlfriend Nancy would’ve reacted.”

Feinberg returned to Allison Hall and was quietly playing his alto-saxophone when his roommate Al Roge walked in and said, “Is that Willie playing his victory song after a long night of debauchery?”  Feinberg frowned and said, “It depends on what your definition of is, is.”

EVANSTON—Yesterday at approximately 9:23 p.m., senior statistics major Josh Sylvan declared in a verbal report that he in all likelihood fucked your girlfriend.

“I’m a little worried about my power because I was pretty drunk,” Sylvan said. “I would really feel bad for you if I made a type two error.”

The stated confidence interval is hand job< μ<three rounds of hot action on your desk, bed, and shower, respectively.

“These things are tricky,” admits Sylvan. “You have to be wary of over-generalization, false reports, and the boyfriend trying to beat the living shit out of you.”

“I think the probability of that happening is pretty low, however,” he adds.

There is hope for peace of mind, as there is a five percent chance it didn’t happen. Sylvan promised to take more random samples by going out to dinner with your girlfriend and seeing where the night takes them.

EVANSTON – In an unprecedented move on Monday, the president of SafeRide announced that the organization was considering a name change after one of its vehicles T-boned a minivan, killing two of its own passengers and the driver of the other car.

“Safety obviously isn’t part of our image anymore,” said Michael Grossman, the president of the organization.

While numerous apologies and public statements have been made since the accident, this is the first that denotes any change in policy.
“We want to show the public that we acknowledge what happened and that we’re taking steps towards a solution. The last thing we want is for someone to mistake us for a company that can actually offer safe travel,” Grossman said later in the conference.

SafeRide will be moving forward with a series of publicity efforts emphasizing its new, yet-to-be decided name and slogan, “We’ll get you there intact…probably.” The campaign includes posters depicting a man sheepishly shrugging his shoulders with a smile, commercials showing scenes of unfocused drivers and passengers laughing, and “viral-type” advertising like large, distracting road paintings.

Included in this effort is a contest to rename the organization, where the public can help SafeRide choose between three new names for SafeRide cars: AdrenalinePumper, DeathTaunter, and WhoNeedsSeatbeltsMobile. The names are currently being tested in focus groups.

NEW YORK—Last week Forbes magazine published its annual list of best colleges in the United States, naming Northwestern University as the best in the Midwest. To the confusion of campus officials, however, Northwestern’s Qatar branch fell short of the University’s overall ranking, reaching only second place in the Middle Eastern nation.  The international campus, home to journalism and communication programs, fell just below the Doha Academy of Advanced Explosive Weaponry (DAAEW).  Editors at the magazine cited prospects for future graduates as the primary reason.

“Forbes is first and foremost a financial publication,” explains Michael Lowe, chief editor of the magazine, “In our rankings, the most important factors are projected future earnings and employment rates of graduates.  The NU Qatar campus exhibited poor statistics in both.”

Indeed, statistics do not lie.  At first glance, a 90% graduate-employment rate from the satellite campus seems impressive; however, of those jobs, 60% required employees to be proficient in ass-wiping, while the only requirement for 23% of the jobs is to “knowing how to make a good cup of Joe.”  In contrast, DAAEW boasts a 100% graduate-employment rate and lands alumni in positions that offer immediate real-world experience at high salaries.

“According to Gallup, people hate America more every day,” an DAAEW spokesperson cited, “and that hatred, combined with constant openings in the field of suicidal bombing, creates a booming business that allows a top-notch weapons academy to attract the best candidates around the world.”

Bob Jones, student currently enrolled in DAAEW, tells his story.  “I graduated from the Medill school of journalism and spent a year in Qatar.  But after graduation, the only place that offered me a job was Fox News.  I didn’t want to be stereotyped as that type of person, so I made a personal choice to enroll in DAAEW.  It was the best decision of my life.”