DOVER, DE—Following her loss to Democratic senator-elect Chris Coons in last week’s midterm elections, sources are reporting that Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell has suffered a relapse, giving in to most if not all of the behaviors she condemned during her candidacy.

“It’s heartbreaking,” stated fellow Tea Party member Rand Paul. “She’s just not the same charming woman America fell in love with; every time I see her now, she’s either hexing Democrats or masturbating furiously.”

“Curiously,” added Paul, “she tends to yell Obama’s name during both.”

The issue came to a head two nights ago, when O’Donnell was arrested for vagrancy, disorderly conduct, and a charge of animal cruelty. Officers testified that O’Donnell was found wandering the streets of Dover in a drunken stupor, covered in blood and wielding a large kitchen knife.

According to a 911 call made moments earlier, O’Donnell had allegedly stumbled towards a family of raccoons, shrieking, “FUCK YOU, COONS!!” before slashing at the animals in a primal rage.

When officers arrived at the scene, O’Donnell collapsed into the arms of Detective Reid Harrison, running her fingers up and down his chest and asking if he would “like to have a ‘tea party’ with [her].”

Detective Harrison wrote in his official statement that O’Donnell appeared visibly confused as the arresting officers read O’Donnell her Miranda rights:

“We have rights?” O’Donnell inquired, before shaking her head angrily and sighing loudly. “What a fucking stupid country.”

EVANSTON—In a shocking display of prejudice, Ashlee Jones, Delta Zeta sorority sister, threw up on the front steps of Phi Psi’s fraternity house Saturday night.

Jones, who was dressed up as “sexy Big Bird,” consumed three Jello shots at Delta Upsilon, five Natty Lights at Pike, and one “something fucking delicious” at Lodge.

“This was obviously an attack on Phi Psi. She didn’t get the alcohol from us. Her stomach contents were her metaphorical pen, hate her message,” said Phi Psi President Dan Johnson.

This incident followed the proclamation by the Daily Northwestern of a Halloween hate crime on the Chabad house. The Phi Psi hate crime, however, has gone shamefully under-reported.

“People fail to understand that we as a predominantly white, middle-class fraternity are one of the biggest targets for prejudice in the frat quads,” Johnson said.

Other than the alcohol consumed that night, the upchuck contained only Diet Coke and bits of celery.

NEW YORK—The baseball season officially reached its end last Monday when the Giants won the World Series over the Rangers in five games.

Experts cite many factors supporting the outcome, such as the Giants’ deep pitching staff, their home-field advantage, and their timely hitting. However, one fan from Queens, NY uses a much simpler reason to explain why the Giants beat the Rangers: “Hockey sucks”.

“You agree, right? Hockey does suck compared to football,” continued New Yorker Marissa Miller. “Football players would take out hockey players in a fight every time.”

Although she was more than happy to accept the change in sports seasons, Miller was slightly confused by its abruptness. “Baseball sort of just faded out this year instead of ending with a bang. I couldn’t believe it was football/hockey season already.”

When asked if there was anything strange to her about the fact that two teams from different sports were playing each other, her only worry was that they had the same colors and were representing the same city. She was unsure of who to root for, so she used past experience to guide her.

“Like many New Yorkers, I knew this would happen,” claims Miller. “The Rangers have been making the Stanley Cup playoffs for years and haven’t gone anywhere. But the Giants are different. They won a Super Bowl a few years back, remember? After that, a World Series should be a piece of cake.”

SAN FRANCISCO—The Chinese economy recently took a hit due to a new San Francisco law that bans restaurants from giving away toys with any meals deemed unhealthy.

San Francisco, deemed one of America’s 100 fattest cities in 2010 by Men’s Health, immediately put a hold on all imports of Happy Meal toys.

“We already had several warehouses full of toys for local restaurants,” said importer/exporter Art Vandelay. “With the new law, it will take years to get rid of all these toys. We simply had no choice but to stop importing all plastic products from China.”

Due to the enormous amount of fast food consumed in San Francisco, Chinese imports to the entire U.S. dropped by ninety percent.

Clearly, this has economic ramifications for both nations, but China in particular has been left in limbo. “Perhaps we shall take this as a sign we should stop artificially inflating the value of our currency,” said the country’s economic leader, Wen Jiabao, insinuating that the San Francisco law was part of a greater plan to sanction China for its economic policies. “The stress among our oppressed laborers of potentially losing their jobs could cause riots demanding freedom and equal rights.”

Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the Federal Reserve, was not happy either. “This decision will decrease the business fast food franchises receive, resulting in layoffs of working Americans. This recession is not the time to worry about the health of our children.”

WASHINGTON—President Obama announced his accomplishment of all 116,365 games on Sporcle one week after the 60-seat Republican sweep of the House. With Republican legislators sure to halt any legislation supported by the Democrats, Obama now has free time to kick back in the Oval Office.

“After Tuesday night, I got to thinking about all of those college-aged young people who came out in droves for me in 2008 and considered going to polls this election but decided to watch The Hangover and Facebook-stalk Kanye West instead,” Obama said in an interview with The Flipside. “My hair has turned gray in the last 2 years. No one’s wearing shirts with my photoshopped red, white and blue head anymore. I needed to get my youthful, hip edge back. That’s when I found Sporcle.”

“I thought there was a national security emergency when I received a frantic call from the President at 3am on Thursday,” Hillary Clinton, U.S. Secretary of State, told the Flipside. “It turned out that Barack couldn’t remember the name of Buttercup, one of the Powerpuff Girls, with only 35 seconds left on the ‘Female Cartoon Network Characters’ quiz.”

The President’s new hobby has resulted in some shakeups on the Hill. Secretary of Commerce Gary Locke allegedly considered tendering his resignation after Obama forgot his name on the “Obama’s Cabinet” Sporcle game. His family life is also feeling the effects: Obama’s daughter Sasha almost went to the press after 4 nights sans Harry Potter readings.

After his momentous completion of the 116,365^th game, Obama started writing his own quizzes.

His quizzes can now be found on the Sporcle website, including “Obama Merchandise” (the “’Yes We Can’ Opener” and the “’Head’ Of State Obama Vibra-Dildo” were the most frequently-missed answers) and “Celebrities Who Endorsed the Hip, Still-Relevant Obama in 2008.”

Incoming Speaker of the House, Representative John Boehner (R – OH), commented, “This is a surprising admission. We’ve seen addictions before in Washington—sex, drugs, gambling–but Sporcle, that’s certainly a change. Just not the one Americans were supposed to believe in.”

EVANSTON—Northwestern University officials announced in a statement Sunday night that one Prius in the school’s SafeRide fleet is actually a Transformer in disguise hiding from the evil lord Megatron.

The Transformer, Tigerzord, was hiding on Earth after fleeing Cybertron, its home planet. Tigerzord failed to steal the mighty Allspark from Megatron, and thus was forced into hiding to avoid the wrathful robot’s ruthless minions Starscream, Bonecrusher, Frenzy and Brawl.

Tigerzord was discovered when it mistakenly transformed while carrying several sorority sisters to North Campus for a party. “It was so scary,” said sophomore Veronica Stevenson. “We were just like driving and then all of a sudden the car like just transformed and blasted another car with its laser.” Police confirmed that the destroyed car was not not a Decepticon, but rather a Kia Sorento. It appears that Tigerzord misidentified the Sorento.

Tigerzord then proceeded to flee the scene.

Northwestern consulted with Transformers expert Jonah Goldfarb, 13, about the case. “It is rare, but possible, to have a Transformer living in our midst,” said Goldfarb. Goldfarb is a foremost expert in the field, owning over 15 Transformers action figures. Goldfarb estimates that he has seen the Transformers movies at least seven times, although he did admit that Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen “kind of sucked.”

School officials have since examined the rest of the SafeRide fleet and confirmed that there are no other robots in disguise.

SAN FRANCISCO—When Brian Wilson recorded the final out of San Francisco’s Game 5 victory over the Walker Texas Rangers, the entire city was thrown into euphoria.

The celebration, however, was not a result of the Giants winning the World Series for the first time since the Fifties. More importantly, the day marked 44 years and three weeks since the Beach Boys released “Good Vibrations.”

“It’s a well-known fact that the Beach Boys and Mary Jane is a more American combination than a burger and freedom fries,” said stoner Lance Feinbud. “Today is a very special day for us, especially here in Cali.”

After the final out, thousands of fans hung around AT&T Park appearing to be celebrating a historic victory. In reality, most of those who stayed to watch the post-game festivities were simply admiring the pretty lights that came from the camera flashes.

Newspaper reports indicated that thousands of people attended the Giants’ victory parade, but it was discovered later that most people were there for a far different reason. General Tso’s Command Center, a small restaurant in Chinatown, was holding an egg-roll giveaway in celebration of the victory. “Everyone knows that Chinese food is godly when you’re stoned,” said Marley Jackson, a local unemployed musician. “This must be how people feel when they see Jesus and stuff.”

30,000 pounds of the finest ganja was expected to be shipped in for the victory parade, but it was seized at the U.S.-Mexico border by Snoop Dogg and his entourage who were short on chronic. “I had my Tanqueray, but how could I roll down the street sipping on gin and juice without smoking Indo?” said the rapper.

No one was more apathetic about the victory than star slugger Barry Bonds, who went to bed during the seventh inning as he was scheduled to appear the next morning at the local middle school to warn young student athletes about the dangers of drug abuse.

Reports that he later smoked a joint with Ricky Williams have not been confirmed.

EVANSTON—Anyone who has spent a significant portion of time around the fairer sex will have surely heard a woman express a desire to have a gay best friend. Women and girls around the world claim they would love to have a gay pal to discuss fashion, provide emotional support, and just generally feel comfortable around, and in recent years the “GBFF” has become a rather trendy fad. In the past, men have expressed discomfort about these friendships, some fearing being replaced. But lately, instead of getting upset, guys have found their own dream buddies, a way to “cut those negative feelings short,” so to speak.

”Oh man, of course I’d love a butch lesbian best friend,” says John Coiro, a communications major. “Imagine a girl you can just feel totally comfortable around, talk about whatever’s on your mind. For example, if I’m out with my female friends now and I see a hot girl walk by, I can’t whistle, grunt, or comment on her ass. A lesbian provides the best of both worlds.”

Studies have shown at least 70% of men fantasize about butch lesbians. Whether it’s freezing together in the stands of a Bears game, peering under the hood of a ’68 Mustang, or just simply at the barber getting a haircut, every guy has his own ideal scenario.

“It gives you some inside info about the ladies as well,” reports Weinberg Sophomore Eric Batarseh. “It’s like having a guy friend who actually knows what they’re talking about when they give advice.”

Unfortunately, however, like everything in high demand, supplies are limited.

“It really is a problem, I just don’t know where to meet them,” says Coiro. “I’ve heard the football team has had success around the Ace Hardware in Evanston, so I’ll probably head down there next weekend. If that doesn’t work, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

Apparently, lesbians are not as common on campus as one would think, perhaps due to over-representation on television programs like “American Chopper.” Many, like Coiro and Bartaseh, are still waiting patiently to meet the right girl. “I guess until then I’ll just have to stick with transgenders,” says Batarseh, with a sigh.

Batarseh and many other men often feel utterly lonesome on their trip down the road of life, a pain only cured by the roar of a female friend’s Harley riding in the next lane over.

EVANSTON—Registration for Winter Quarter begins this week at Northwestern, and students are absolutely thrilled.

“I hate all my classes!” joyfully exclaimed Weinberg freshman D.J. Grunthel. “I’m tired of them and ready for new classes that I will learn to hate!”

Upperclassmen concur that classes never get any better.

“I’ve had my share of quarters here,” said Medill junior Sarah Shamara. “I can’t remember enjoying any of them. But I am super psyched for a change in my classes! There certainly is some truth to that old saying, ‘Out of the frying pan and into the fire is what in college you shall acquire.’”

In addition to a new round of rigorous courses, students are also happily awaiting subzero temperatures, fierce winds, and an onslaught of ice and snow.

“I love Northwestern so much,” said Communications sophomore Daniel Tho. “I could have gone to school in California or Florida, where classes are easier and I could sleep and have a life, but I am just so happy here. Midwestern weather builds character, and a Northwestern education looks great on your resume.”

Daniel then proceeded to pull out his smartphone and post ten new submissions to fmylife.com.