Category Archives: No. 53
Some Bitch Talking in Library
Eco-Conscious NU to Discontinue Lighting Sheridan Road
Wednesday, ASG President Claire Lew announced that they were changing something about something they do once more, sending waves of apathy through Northwestern. “Wait, exactly what again does ASG do?” said sophomore Mark Raynor, in response to the complete overhaul or structural reform or whatever the hell they decided to make different. Lew says this will completely revitalize/rejuvenate/switch how the organization will handle/delegate/petition students/faculty/Evanston citizens. “Northwestern blah blah blah connection blah blah relationship blah blah blah,” she said in a
— HELP WANTED — Ladies needed for educational demonstration of toy drills. Required to work naked in a public setting. Compensation will include appropriate payment and a souvenir toy. Contact: email@example.com and Human sexuality psychologist needed for Psychology department. Required to conduct research in Evanston, IL and teach Psychology 337. Responsible applicants only.
ATLANTIC CITY – In what is surely a game for the ages, the wheelbarrow is about to win a game of monopoly. It has $1300 in cash and owns the red monopoly, consisting of Kentucky Avenue, Indiana Avenue, and Illinois Avenue. “I just knew my business was turning around when I landed on Indiana Avenue,” the wheelbarrow commented. “Seriously, there are now three stunningly beautiful houses here! Who wouldn’t want to stay in one of them and pay me $700
BRUSSELS – Belgium has faced a political deadlock that has been going on for eight months. In a flash of ingenuity, Belgian Senator Marleen Temmerman called for a sex strike imposed by the wives of the politicians until agreements start getting reached. At first there was confusion as to whether this pertained to all forms of sex (including oral, anal, and nasal), but upon clarifying that it includes everything up to a quickie handy, the men decided to finally take action.
I was walking down the street this afternoon when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a puddle of water. Something seemed a little off– My coat. Even though it was on. As in I was wearing it, and it was not off. But it seemed off. Does it look bad on me? It’s a plaid coat. I’m told plaid is in style, and that it brings out my hazel eyes. Is this true? It has a poofy fur
“Yeah, I don’t screw with Bob,” explained B.o.B, “that dude is the hardest motherfuckin’ computer systems analyst I know.”