Category Archives: No. 64

theo

Cubs Sign Epstein, Fans Fear Success

theo

CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs recently announced the signing of ex-Red-Sox general manager Theo Epstein to a 5 year-$20 million contract, making him one of the highest paid non-players on the Cubs directly behind Carlos Zambrano, Alfonso Soriano, and Ryan Dempster. Epstein, who is just coming off the most unproductive month of his career with the Red Sox, is expected to fit in flawlessly with the overpaid, underperforming style of play the Cubs have perfected over the years. “We are

Pat Fitzgerald

Fitz Bribes Penn State Coach to Ensure Homecoming Win

Pat Fitzgerald

EVANSTON—After enduring four grueling consecutive losses, Northwestern students and fans everywhere are finding it difficult to keep their spirits up. However, it was recently discovered that head coach Pat Fitzgerald has offered head coach of Penn State University Joe Paterno an irresistible bribe to secure a win this coming Saturday for the homecoming game. “I offered him season tickets to see us ‘Cats play next year. I figured it was an experience he couldn’t otherwise get and one that most

NuFootball2

Northwestern to Replace Football Team with Real Athletes

NuFootball2

EVANSTON – Following Saturday’s loss to Iowa, the Northwestern athletic department has decided to take a new approach in managing the football team. Luke Harrison, Director of Athletics, explained Monday that the coaching staff has decided to replace the entire football team. “The fact of the matter is, we have the potential to be a really good team. The thing that is really messing up our players is the fact that they are students at Northwestern,” Harrison said. “We realized

Chocolate_Factory_Nestle<_Trix

Trix Rabbit Eludes NU Defense, Eats First Ever Bowl of Trix

Chocolate_Factory_Nestle<_Trix

IOWA CITY, IA – Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Human kids. Or are they? Since 1959, the Trix rabbit (pictured) has been unable to taste the sweet sugary goodness of Trix cereal. Although he has come close in nearly every commercial, his attempts have always been thwarted at the last second by young children. That all changed last Saturday. “We just finished our team warm-ups before sitting down for breakfast in the team hotel,” a Northwestern linebacker, who wished

A 10028

Morty’s Archnemesis City-Council-Man Once Again Threatens Northwestern

A 10028

MORTY’S SECRET HIDEOUT – Resident superhero Morty, otherwise known as Morton Owen Schapiro, was called once again to fight the forces of evil when his archenemy City-Council-Man, threatened to “close all the brothels.” Morty, alerted to this danger by “Save the Brothels” signs around campus, immediately donned his superhero costume – a purple sweater, purple tights, and very cute rimless glasses – and went off to investigate. Before leaving his secret hideout (which this reporter can exclusively reveal to be

128869265089480583

First Midterms to Be Administered on Second Day of Classes Starting Winter 2012

128869265089480583

EVANSTON — Northwestern announced Tuesday that professors will be encouraged to administer midterms on the second day of classes starting in the year 2012. This new policy was made in response to the claim that Northwestern students have it easy with minimal midterms and do not live up to the reputation of the quarter system. When students voiced worries about what would be on these early exams, Professor Sarah Mangelsdorf, Dean of Weinberg, answered, “Anything anyone mentioned during Wildcat Welcome

images

Mid-speech, Herman Cain Runs Out of Pizza Analogies

images

PALM BEACH, FL. – GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain struggled to finish his speech to the seniors at Maple Oaks Retirement Community yesterday after he ran out of ways to compare the United States to pizza. “Um… well, really, what we need to focus on is speedy delivery,” Caine said, wiping his sweaty forehead. “The government is like… well, it’s kind of like if a pizza delivery guy had to ride a bike instead of drive a car.” Cain apologized

« Older Entries