NORTH KOREA- On November 23rd, the nation of North Korea was nearly engulfed by the Pacific Ocean, becoming the most recent victim to rising sea levels this year. While most scientists have attributed this natural occurrence to melting ice caps and global warming, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il begged to differ, stating that he “often looks at the water, among many other things” and “had known for months that the Ocean was preparing to invade”.

Fearing the Pacific Ocean was attempting a coup, Kim began developing nuclear weapons in the 1990’s, eventually leading up to an active missile attack on the body of water in 2011, claiming that it was a “weapons test” gone awry. Over the next year, the leader developed his weapons using the latest advances in computer and Communist child labor technologies.

Believing that his arsenal is now ready for a full scale assault on the Pacific Ocean, Kim is threatening to use nuclear force unless the water withdraws immediately from North Korea. In response to the news of his threats, former U.S. Vice President and self-proclaimed Environmental Ambassador Al Gore reported “the threats against the Pacific Ocean . . . Kim Jong Il . . . global warming . . . America”.

Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuta also condemns the North Korean leader’s actions against the Pacific, having stated, “When Kim Jong Il fires his missiles into the ocean, all whales and dolphins will eventually be killed.” Fearing that his country will lose a valuable primetime spot on Discovery Channel’s hit show “Whale Wars”, Fukuta has asked the UN to intervene on Japan’s behalf. Meanwhile, the UN is still in deliberation about both why pictures of Kim Jong Il looking at things are so intriguing and whether they will let the United States intervene for them in yet another international conflict.

EVANSTON – Northwestern University sent out an emergency alert on Monday after a man was seen gratifying himself in the showers in the men’s locker room at Henry Crown Sports Pavilion & Aquatic Center.

Two juveniles reported that they heard the self-satisfied moans of the rogue gratifier as he told himself what a “sick workout” he had just completed. “It was really freaky,” explained one of the bystanders, “he just stood there, naked, in the shower, congratulating himself on his new personal squat record.” The witnesses reportedly asked the man to stop patting himself on the back, but that only egged on him on. “Let’s see you kids lift that much weight,” he purportedly exclaimed, “I deserve a nice long sauna session after that one!”

The witness told The Flipside that “every time we tried to talk him down, he just kept stroking his ego more and more. He wouldn’t stop gushing about the 7 minute mile he had just run or the size of the steak he was going to eat.” The witness then described the climax of the self-gratification: “All of a sudden, his body went very stiff, and he then flexed his biceps brashly. “I remember he shouted out a loud ‘YEAH!’ followed by an exuberant, ‘Check out how SWOLE I am!’”

The university report stated that the witnesses could not provide a detailed description of the man. “They described him as muscled, half-naked, and arrogant,” a university representative explained, “which narrows it down to the entirety of North Campus.”

EVANSTON – Northwestern football coach Pat Fitzgerald has recently been brought into police custody and is being charged with five separate counts of altruism and humanitarianism. Eyewitness reports claim that Fitzgerald allegedly helped rake leaves, walked old women across Sheridan Road, and donated funds to local schools on multiple occasions. These chilling discoveries have shaken the entire student body. “I just can’t believe it,” says Bill Jeffries. “You get an impression of a guy who represents your school for years, and all of a sudden your opinion changes drastically.”

Head basketball coach Bill Carmody saw one of the acts occur in 2002. According to the grand jury report, Carmody caught Fitzgerald selling cupcakes to raise money for AIDS awareness. Upon seeing the illicit treats, Carmody got on the phone with his father to tell him what he had seen. “Pat and I had gone back a ways and I never expected to see this kind of shocking behavior from him,” said Carmody while under witness protection.

The Evanston police department is complaining about all the protests occurring downtown, saying that students have flipped over cars, urinated in mailboxes, and chucked Hecky’s pulled pork all over the windows of local establishments. “This is just unbelievable,” says ardent football fan Bo Bice. “Northwestern became bowl-eligible this weekend and you’re telling me they’re going to take Pat away?!”

Despite the number of charges leveled against him, some news sources believe that Fitzgerald will be found guilty of numerous other acts of humanitarianism. CNN news anchor Husky Blitzkrieg commented on the state of the sports union: “I am shocked and appalled that Fitzgerald would disgrace college sports in this manner. Henceforth, the legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one man’s actions. The school will go down in infamy for this. Thank God that other collegiate sports administrations are run by men of extraordinary character.”

In other news, students and local media are beginning to question where Morty Schapiro was when all the acts of humanitarianism were occurring; rumors of a cover-up are beginning to circulate heavily.

EVANSTON – In a move to appeal to an increasingly Internet-centric youth, Northwestern University will be offering a major in Meme Studies, Assistant Dean for Curriculum Joan Linsenmeier announced yesterday. Northwestern will become the first major university to offer a degree in the up-and-coming science of Internet memes.

This announcement comes in response to years of student petitions for the university to offer a full major in studying Internet memes – which, for those uninitiated in Internet culture, is defined by Wikipedia as being “a concept that spreads swiftly via the Internet.”

“I can’t tell you how many students have come up to me and asked, ‘Assistant Dean Linsenmeier, why you no have Internet Memeology major?’” Linsenmeier said to reporters. “Well, I’m here to say that, Northwestern students, you can has a degree in Meme Studies.”

Yale University’s philosophy department offers a course titled “Philosoraptor and Society,” and the University of Chicago recently drew headlines when they paid rapper Xzibit “upwards of $50,000” to come to campus and lecture about recursion. However, this step by Northwestern is being lauded as a groundbreaking move in a still-developing academic field, which aims to study “the ways that Internet memes reflect and influence society as a whole.”

“We live in a meme-based world, there’s no denying that,” said Northwestern sociology professor Grant Richards. “While it might not be considered standard academic material, I believe that this in a important move for Northwestern. It shows we’re embracing the changing culture and not remaining stagnant.”

Linsenmeier revealed several of the courses offered by the new Department of Internet Memeology, which included “Introduction to Redditology,” “History of the Internet: IRC, /b/, and Beyond,” and a 300-level course in “The Sociology of Rage Comics.”

The newly created program will partner up with Northwestern’s Medill School of Journalism in offering a series of courses about the current social media market.

“At Northwestern, our goal is to offer an education that gives our students a chance to impact the world in a very real way. The Department of Internet Memeology and Medill will be giving our students the tools to do just this,” Linsenmeier said. “Students majoring in Internet Memeology won’t just be ‘derping’ around.”

Reaction among the students has been overwhelmingly positive.

“I was like, me gusta,” said junior Alex Goodwin, who is enrolled in the Weinberg College of Arts and Science. “My parents have been paying $60,000 a year for me to browse the Internet, so it’s only fair to them that I at least get something out of it.”

Goodwin added, “Good Guy Northwestern: notices you’re browsing Reddit during lectures, gives you a degree for it.”

HOLLYWOOD – Kristen Stewart, star of the recently released Breaking Dawn film, has finally displayed some recognizable emotion other than apathy, The Flipside reports.

Known for her unorthodox methods that generally revolve around an inability to portray human traits or emotions, Stewart has always credited her success to the techniques of method acting. Method acting, a practice first developed in New York theatres in the 1930s, involves deeply immersing oneself in the thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the portrayed character.

“I’m like, really good at most vegetables, and I can do furniture,” says Stewart. “However, Bella Swan has always been a challenge. I knew that I’d have some trouble fully portraying the character’s wide emotional range, so I decided to try out a different kind of role in preparation for the epic fourth movie.”

Instead of her usual grueling preparations for Bella, which involve several days in isolation imitating trees, statues, and posters of herself, Stewart decided to immerse herself in the character of “EdwardzchicaXOXO,” creator of renowned Twilight fan site and self-proclaimed “Edward Cullen Groupie.” Along with extensive perusal of the site itself, Stewart met with the fan on several occasions, discussing the tween’s potent feelings for the fictional vampire hunk.

“Most 7th grade girls are obsessed with my co-star, but this chick takes the fucking cake,” remarks Stewart. “After reciting an entire chapter of New Moon word for word, she showed me her Edward shrine. I won’t go into detail about that part for your sake, but let’s just say I was convinced that she is the biggest Twilight fan out there.”

Stewart’s training with EdwardzchicaXOXO was evidently successful, as seen in Breaking Dawn. The actress altered her facial features significantly around 20 minutes into the film, during a scene in which she and Edward Cullen have sexual relations for the first time since the beginning of their frustratingly tense, many-year relationship.

“It was like, so gratifying to see that my work with Edwardzchica paid off,” gushes Stewart, dragging heavily on a cigarette and spray-painting her hair blacker. “Now that I’ve been able to alter my facial expressions, maybe I can move onto changing the intonation and pitch of my voice as well.”

WASHINGTON — In the wake of Herman Cain’s sex scandal, Newt Gringrich has surged to the top of the polls as the new Republican front-runner for the 2012 election. Ron Paul, a longtime Congressman from Texas, is not happy with the recent turn of events.

“This is bullshit,” says Paul. “My turn was totally after Cain’s.”

When the campaigning began earlier this year, Michelle Bachmann was quick to call dibs on the leader position, winning the Iowa Straw Poll. The rest of the Republicans quickly followed suit, with Perry second in line, followed by Herman Cain, Ron Paul, then finally Newt Gingrich.

Santorum and Huntsman were unable to obtain a place in line, due to the fact that everybody kind of assumed that they were joking about their candidacies during that point in the election.

Gingrich was able to take Paul’s reserved spot as leader by invoking the “cutsies” loophole to the Dibs Contract. Then, in what has been perhaps the trickiest political move of the campaign thus far, the former Speaker of the House secured the “No Backsies” clause to assure his dominance in the polls.

Paul will be given his turn to be relevant next month, when Gingrich is contractually obligated to do something stupid and lose his standings in the polls.

When asked to comment, current runner-up Mitt Romney said “I really don’t even care who’s winning anymore. Can the GOP just admit I’m the only real candidate so we can move on?”

According to recent polls, no, they cannot.

CHICAGO- The citizenry of Chicago was struck with awe today as they read the lyrics to Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” that 16 year old Roland Buchanan had posted on Facebook early this morning. At 8:15 AM, students at Evanston Township High School saw Buchanan typing on his cell phone during a math lesson. “That kid is such a badass,” reported Steven, a classmate of Buchanan’s. “Nobody uses their phones during a lesson. It’s totally against the rules.” According to other sources, Buchanan was “really bored” because the lesson was “like totally suckish.” “When I read the post after class, I was blown away. Roland’s words touched my heart in a way that Edward Cullen’s never could,” stated Sarah, another classmate.

Purveyors and patrons of literature agree that Buchanan’s use of the song lyrics unlocks an aspect of words that hasn’t been seen since the time of Shakespeare. “The depth of these lyrics transcends the literal, and nearly borders upon the metaphorical,” said literary analyst Edith Schulman. “It’s as if Nirvana wrote the song so that Roland could use it to express the hardships of the average young adult in America. He really brings out the true meaning of the words.”

Others have compared Buchanan’s lyrical status to J.D. Salinger’s “Catcher in the Rye”, saying it shares the same degree of teenage angst that Holden Caulfield has at the façades and masks people in society are so often defined by. “It’s like nothing I’ve ever encountered before,” reported Katy Johnson, an English major at Northwestern University. “Until now, I had only ever read things by authors like Faulkner and Blake. These lyrics, nay, this poetry, is so full of raw emotion. It’s so… so pure.”

Johnson’s sentiments are shared by many others in the distinguished literary circles of the Chicagoland area. For his clear creative talent, Buchanan has been called “the voice of his generation” and nominated for the $100,000 Ruth Lilly Poetry Prize from the Poetry Foundation. Barnes and Noble will be hosting a reading of excerpts from Roland Buchanan’s status to help fund the ailing company and spread the joy of literary art throughout the inner city.