EVANSTON — With doomsday approaching at the end of 2012, people and communities are desperately seeking ways to do good and collect some positive karma. Northwestern University’s Panhellenic Association (PHA) is no exception. At the last Greek Life Summit, the Panhellenic board decreed that the sororities had to diversify their new pledge class, encouraging them to select members that are drastically different from the existing sisters. When asked if they believed the chapters would find this new law difficult to execute, PA representative Maggie Fayk responded, “Not at all! The girls have always wanted to reach out to the less fortunate.”

With very unique standards and stereotypes to dispel, each sorority is targeting a specific crowd. Some, however, have it harder than others. Alpha Theta Kappa are recruiting members that weigh 91 pounds rather than adhering to their usual crowd of 90 pound ladies. “We are so excited to finally have overweight in our family,” says Theta sister Barbie Jenson.

Other sororities are working towards making the Greek system more colorful. Delta Delta Delta Deltas are now welcoming strawberry blondes instead of the standard bleached-out types, and the “Dizzies” are starting to accept girls with a 2.0 GPA or higher.

Panhellenic will be awarding the sorority with the most diverse pledge class with wholegrain, fat-free donuts. “Our girls are so excited for this. It’s been a while since they had carbs,” says president of Kappa Gamma. Rumor has it that Delta Kappa is a strong contender for the prize, having recruited the president’s homosexual brother. The winner will be announced this Friday on the Northwestern PA website.

BREAKING: Reports are coming in saying that the decree for diversity does not extend from recruitment into the pledging process. Sources say that new pledges of Alpha Theta Kappa will be told to lose a pound.

EVANSTON – Last Friday night, I set off to experience the hotly anticipated film event, The Devil Inside.  I have to admit, I didn’t know what to expect the first time; half of my girl friends had already frequently experienced The Devil Inside and found it quite pleasurable, but I did know a few others who said they would’ve rather been entertained by The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

It was rough from the very beginning.  There was no build-up to create anticipation. I felt as if I was just thrown into the middle of a freakshow.  Everything was happening so fast. Still, I gave The Devil Inside countless chances to make me jump, but I didn’t scream once.

The cameraman kept getting in the way of the scenes, too.  The shaky cinematography didn’t help the rhythm of the events flow smoothly, and it was hard to focus on the performances.  I kept waiting for a climax, but it never came.

Father Joseph Green, whom I met at the event, claimed that “the Catholic church did not approve of this, but they wanted to send a representative to save the souls of those who attended”.  He then proceeded to take his almighty protection out of his pocket and put it on, while asking people if they’d like to visit him in his confessional.

DES MOINES — After receiving only 6 votes in the Iowa Caucus, lizard people said they will return to the marshes to reassess their candidacy. The decision was revealed in a speech delivered to the reptilians’ supporters who gathered in the campaign’s headquarter in Des Moines.

“Hissss… Shsssh shhh hisss hssssss…. I’m sorry, there must be some technical difficulties here.” said one of the lizard people while adjusting the microphone. “It’s hard to say that we’re not disappointed by the results tonight. The future is uncertain, but we will make our decisions considering what’s best not only for us but also for America.”

The candidates, who once held an insurmountable lead in the 7-to-12 “juvenile” demographic of the Republican party, now face a tough decision between staying in the race and cutting their losses.

Republican strategist and Flipside political commentator William Sanderson said it was likely that the half-reptiles would eventually drop out of the race.

“You know, the Republican Party has a history of choosing candidates with strong conservative credentials and values,” said Sanderson “It wasn’t entirely sure that the campaign’s messages were entire compatible with ordinary Iowa voters.”

Lizard people ran a campaign emphasizing less government interventions in insect markets and lower taxes on exotic pets. Their message was overshadowed by the campaign’s many gaffes. During a televised debate back in October, the candidates blurted out that Texas Governor Rick Perry looked “delicious”. In November, one of the lizard people accidentally swallowed a baby whole during a town hall meeting.

While little is known of the future plans for the lizard people, experts speculate that they would return to their careers as sci-fi movie villains.

LOS ANGELES – As Oscar season 2012 kicks off, desperate film producers have launched “For Your Consideration” ads aimed squarely at currying favor with Brett Ratner. The 42-year old filmmaker’s opinion, in a bizarre twist of fate, is considered not only relevant but actually equal to that of Martin Scorsese or half of the Coen brothers.

The X-Men 3 director, whose soulless blockbuster films and derogatory comments against gays have earned him near-universal scorn, said that he sees nothing wrong with the Academy granting him the same degree of veneration and respect as they would to Alfred Hitchcock or Billy Wilder.

Per tradition, Ratner plans to schedule a “pre-awards” lunch with Joel Schumacher and Michael Bay so that they can synchronize ballots, research how many more “Transformers” movies it will take to buy a Gulfstream jet, and discuss how Steven Spielberg was “clearly phoning it in this year”. The sheer audacity and narcissism required for these men to publically weigh in on the best cinema of 2011 will be in careful accordance of the Academy’s professed mission: “To Stifle Creativity and Hire Billy Crystal”

Each year as he prepares his ballot, Ratner reportedly finds himself struck by the memory of betraying his original artistic vision for easy money and two Jackie Chan sequels. He typically attends a support group for filmmakers incapable of creating anything daring or controversial (The 69th Annual Golden Globes), but ever since Ricky Gervais began hosting, Ratner claims that he no longer feels appreciated.

“Every time [Gervais] looks in my direction I can tell he’s thinking: ‘Nah, too easy. Where’s Mel Gibson?’” Ratner explained, tearing up slightly. “Damn, that Hollywood millionaire really knows how to stick it to the man, huh?” Ratner regained his composure as we discussed his ballot choices.

“I’m probably going to nominate Gary Oldman for best actor,” Ratner confided. “I saw this great piece in TIME about how he really deserves his first Oscar for Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. I haven’t seen the movie. Or read the article. But the headline really stuck with me!”

DES MOINES – At precisely 11:33 PM on January 4th, citizens across the state of Iowa unobtrusively returned to being unnecessary. This shift happened as the final votes in the Republican Caucus were tallied, and it was determined that the winner was Mitt Romney by 8 votes.

Back in the natural state they reside in between each caucus, Iowans took a collective sigh of relief as they could stop pretending to be politically conscious and stop pretending to have what is locally known as “that there fancy book-learning.”
While some enraged members of the Young Republicans club at Iowa State University took to the change violently, most adapted quickly, instantly acclimating to the dearth of national attention they’re used to.

“To be frank, it’s a relief to have it over with. Most of the time, reporters just come here if there’s a delay in the corn harvest. To have them asking me questions about foreign things like ‘Iraq’ and ‘marijuana’ was uncomfortable,” said Jolene Gbur of Altoona.

Others were upset with the disruptions in their daily lives.

“It got to the point where I picked up the paper and had to flip two or three pages to get to the Ag section. Damn shame,” Dwayne Millar of Dubuque said.

PYONGYANG -  Intrepid and courageous agents of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea have discovered that Great Successor and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un won the recent GOP Iowa caucus by a 110% margin, a glorious and universal truth hidden by the dastardly imperialist American media. The people of Iowa have expressed their burning desire to live under the guidance of the Wise and Brilliant Leader and wish to defect to the Supreme Awesomeness of The Most Excellent Korean.

Impressed by the corn-growing prowess of The Greatest and Most Devoted Michael Jordan Fan, Iowans flocked to the polls in an effort to free themselves from oppressive American tyranny. The Great Man, Who Is Not Really That Fat graciously accepted this new mandate to bring the divine perfection of communism to Iowa and has already formulated a perfect and infallible strategy to wrest this fertile land from the imperialist pigs.

Furthermore, The Inventor of a Better Mousetrap has announced that he will develop a new strain of corn in honor of this most auspicious occasion. According to a government spokesman, “The Unique and Differently Gifted Leader is anxious to begin the annexation of Iowa into the DPRK and plans to travel there next week, as soon as he returns from his weekend trip to Mars.”

The evil and untrustworthy American government refused to comment on this great victory for The Most Prodigious Consumer of Kimchi.

EVANSTON – In an effort to get students to join their social club, Northwestern’s fraternities and sororities did not interact across the gender divide during rush week. Promising a better social life, fraternity members spent the week eating with a bunch of other guys, engaging in all-male sumo wrestling, and abstaining from alcohol.

Occasionally, students were granted admittance to a fraternity, resulting in a bunch of guys running outside, touching each other in close quarters, and singing songs. McCormick Freshmen John Smith was one such new member.

“It was like a mosh pit at a concert, but without all the punk-rock chicks,” Smith said. “It was awesome. One of the best moments of my life,” he added.

Sororities also spent the entire week engaging on dispassionate girl-on-girl flirting to demonstrate the desirability of their social situation. Many sisters put on skits to show how fun and attractive they are.

The Greek girls were able to show off their superior social skills gained from being in a sorority, such as the knack for learning hometowns, majors, and campus activities. By doing this in a systematic manner, according to Quad-Delt president Hannah Andreasen, sororities show freshmen they really know how to meet people naturally and make friends.

All of this culminates in a celebratory party with people of the same sex and a bunch of secret, cool rituals, the likes of which have not been seen by freshmen since day camp.
“I can’t wait until my friends at home see how cool I am,” said Smith, referring to the 80 new same-sex friends he added on Facebook.

“I even heard there is a night when we get to sing and dance with girls,” whispers Smith, wearing his new fraternity t-shirt filled with Sharpied-on inside jokes to be promptly forgotten about.

EVANSTON – As Northwestern students are welcomed back to school for the 2012 winter quarter, people are looking forward to the new crop of pledges into the Greek system. However, some NU students are participating in a new fad sweeping the nation, the Fantasy Sorority League, or FSL for short.

Based on more well-known fantasy sports, such as fantasy football or baseball, the FSL records important statistics from both the pledging side and the recruiting side of the sorority recruitment process. Some of the more prominent stats include the number of eating disorders induced, a calculated “bitchiness index,” cup size, skirt length, and tear count per hysterical outburst.

“Its just a really fun, intense game,” says FSL champion Jake DiMartin. “There’s nothing more addictive in the world. When I’m watching the girls line up outside Willard, every time I see a Freshman I drafted need to excuse herself to puke in some bushes, I think ‘Nice! 5 points!’”

Members of the Sorority system have very different opinions of the game than the players. As President of Kappa Gamma Alpha, Brenda Delome, put it, “Yea, statistics are nice, but it’s just not what the game’s about.”

When asked to comment on her franchise record of 547 judgmental stares last season, Delome commented “At the end of the day, these records and statistics are just numbers, and it can really hurt the team when they’re all you think about. All I really want to do is psychologically scar some people, and isn’t that what rushing’s all about?”

DES MOINES – Last Tuesday, Iowans gathered in gyms, homes, and other buildings across the state to discuss who their favorite old white guys were.

Herds of people thronged in and around buildings. They stood around and talked for a while. Some people waved signs with pretty decorations. There was a lot of shouting. Then they wrote a name on a piece of paper and left. This name was the name of their favorite old white guy.

The old white guy who had the most people write that he was their favorite was declared the winner.

At some points, the discussion became intense argument; no one was injured, though there were reports of bruised feelings.

A mere five old white guys seemed to capture the favor of the majority of Iowans, which is rather remarkable considering how many old white people there are in Iowa. A few of the five leaders didn’t look all that old, actually, and these younger old white guys appeared to have the strongest support. However, opponents of each old white guy were fiercely mistrustful, and no single white guy captured more than a quarter of the Iowans’ favoritism.

The old white guys were reportedly seen at various points around the state preceding the gatherings. Eyewitnesses claim that one was overweight, another was short with a piping voice, one was wearing flip-flops, one was described only as “frothy,” whatever that means, and one seemed rather forgetful. None of the old white guys appeared to be from Iowa, which is maybe why the Iowans were so reluctant to choose one as their favorite.

A few people voiced their support for a youngish white woman, but these people were ridiculed by fellow Iowans, as they evidently misunderstood the purpose of the gatherings.