NEW YORK – Rush Limbaugh has been attacked from all sides for his reaction to Georgetown student Sandra Fluke testifying in front of Congress in favor of women’s rights, in which he called Fluke a ‘slut’.

In a brilliant PR move, Limbaugh retracted his earlier statement, saying, “I was wrong to say what I did. She isn’t a slut for trying to advance her beliefs through peaceful means, which was well within her natural rights; she’s more like a whore.”

“I understand why people are mad,” Limbaugh continued. “Mistaking Fluke, who is very clearly a person who offers her body for monetary compensation, for someone who merely acts overly sexual, is entirely my own fault.”

The media has yet to react to this move, and the 7 companies who have pulled advertising spots from Limbaugh’s show so far have not indicated any intentions of coming back. But Limbaugh is hopeful.

“I spoke too reflexively,” said Limbaugh, “because I was so overwhelmed by her despicable and crude rhetoric on what is an important topic to me. I know that there are people out there who support me in this situation.”

TEHRAN – Minutes after the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film was awarded to A Separation, the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that the country will abandon its controversial nuclear program. The president spoke from a makeshift stage set up in the middle of the city’s famous Azadi Square accompanied by a local dance troupe performing an elaborate interpretive dance sequence representing the award statuette.

“This is the joyous day when the great state of Iran, with its glorious history and people, is recognized for its cultural greatness,” said Ahmadinejad. “Let’s not forget: we beat an Israeli film.”

The Iranian President admitted that the whole “nuclear” deal was a ruse implemented so the nation would be taken seriously, increase its chances of winning the award. When asked to elaborate how exactly the pursuit of nuclear weaponry has helped the film, Ahmadinejad said “Well, it doesn’t matter. Guess what matters? Yep, that’s right, we beat Israel. We win.”

A Mossad agent who wished to remain anonymous told the Flipside that while the agency is pleased by this development, it is rather disappointed that its efforts to promote the Israeli film Footnote have been unsuccessful. “We tried very hard to prevent the Iranians from getting that award,” said the agent. “Ultimately, our strategy of sending free copies of the film to Jewish community centers around Southern California and New York just wasn’t enough.”

Inspired by the outcome, the United States Department of State is considering awarding North Korean leader Kim Jong-un with a Tony Award for his portrayal of Dear Leader in the play Glorious Country Has Magical Day Filled with Amazing Card Displays and Synchronized Dancing: Part 12.

EVANSTON – A SafeRide driver was recently arrested for delivering alcohol to a minor. According to court documents, the minor in question placed a call to SafeRide at 9:30 PM, and a driver was dispatched approximately 50 minutes later with spirits in hand. According to university officials, such wait times are not uncommon for students using school resources to get wasted.

“SafeRide drivers may take hours to accomplish minutes’ worth of tasks,” Northwestern spokesman Al Cubbage explained, “but when you’re stranded on Noyes in dire need of a drink, SafeRide will always be there for you.”

Cubbage then made further headlines with the announcement of SafeRide Lite, a new fleet of cars dedicated to reliably delivering alcohol to patient students. Representatives of The Flipside were invited for ride-alongs to see the new drivers in action. I had only been in the car for about a minute when the driver received his first order.

“Got a female student for you at Simpson and Maple,” the radio operator issued. “She called an hour ago, but then I started playing Solitaire.”

“Vodka or rum?” the driver asked as he rifled through a fully-stocked cooler in the backseat. He seemed shocked to hear that she only wanted a ride back home.

“I’m a very ‘scenic’ driver,” the driver spoke as we leisurely ambled towards his destination. “I like to show riders the best Evanston has to offer while they’re puking in my car. If I fall slightly behind schedule, I think it’s a small price to pay.”

The street corner came into view.

“Aw, shit, she’s already been mugged.”

In other news, a Shepard Hall CA has been arrested for selling Adderall to his residents, but only to those who agreed to attend a “super-fun” fireside on body image awareness.

THE HUNDRED ACRE WOOD, EAST SUSSEX, ENGLAND – The Lewes Police Force reported Tuesday that Eeyore, the lugubrious but beloved stuffed donkey best known through his acquaintance with Edward Bear (colloquially known as “Winnie-the-Pooh”), was found dead Tuesday. Eeyore, seen at right in a 2003 picture, was 85 years old.

Constable Henry Anderson discovered the body under a pile of logs after the Lewes Police received a 999 call from Mr. Pooh. “It was a grisly sight,” shuddered Anderson. “His brains had been forced out of his skull and were spattered on nearby trees and rocks. His body was twisted in ways I never thought a donkey could bend, blood was everywhere, and I couldn’t tell where his bones ended and his stuffing-fluff began.”

“It definitely wasn’t what I was expecting,” continued Anderson. “Usually when I’m called out to the Wood it’s Rabbit reporting another harmless case of vegetable garden vandalism.”

The police have taken into custody a suspect named Gopher, an American animal who moved to the Hundred Acre Wood in 1966. One of his holes was found next to the remains of Eeyore’s house, and fresh gopher droppings were found at the scene.

Anderson said, “It took me forever to track the little bugger down, since ‘he’s not in the book.’ But after I gave up scouring the forest, by chance I discovered him downing shots of whiskey at a pub in Brighton.”

Gopher declined to comment to The Flipside, but was heard muttering through his cell door, asking God how “such a sad, fat ass could be more popular than me.” He then yelled, “I WASN’T EVEN IN THE NEW MOVIE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!” Gopher is expected to be charged with premeditated murder.

Eeyore will always be remembered for never having fun, groaning annoyingly, and being the model for the stuffed animal that no one ever wanted but everyone pretended to like to please the ignorant grandmothers. He will be missed dearly.

This report continues our series “Where Are They Now?” This week’s installment was written by Northwestern’s infamous Fucksaw.

By The Fucksaw

Hey, it’s nice to see you all again. I’ve been pretty busy. In and out, you know. As I always say, when life gives you lemons, penetrate them.

I’ll be frank with you. I wasn’t that happy with how they treated me in the media, being new to Northwestern and all. It was like all these parents spending $200,000 on their children’s educations had never seen a high-powered vibrator before. I was so pissed I vibrated the sun a little to speed up molecules and whatnot, which of course caused the winter to be warmer — all just to unfreeze the ice rink. Suck it, Morty.

I’ve been poking my head here and there. I got in John Shurna’s head for the second half of the Michigan games, I had to find a new fraternity after I had to depledge Lodge, and I’ve generally been doing my usual thing with Mayor Tisdale’s logic.

I haven’t bothered helping with all the construction on campus. Sorry.

I went to Europe, rented a swank apartment, drank a lot, spoke a little bit in a different language, jerked off, and occasionally went to class. So yeah, I studied abroad.

But yeah, it’s been pretty chill, as far as fucksaws go. As I always say, rev up your engine, because you never know what you’ll be in the thick of next.

LOS ANGELES — Jean Dujardin, the star of the Oscar-winning silent film The Artist, committed a career-crippling faux pas on Sunday night when he spoke while accepting his Academy Award.

The audience at the ceremony watched in shock as the supposed Frenchman bellowed his acceptance speech and proclaimed his JOIE DE VIVRE! to the very rafters of the Kodak Theater in what can only be described as a Brooklyn accent. A mortified Natalie Portman shrunk behind the back of the 8ft tall Oscar statuette on stage left—viewers were disappointed when she did not later re-emerge as the black swan to frighten her Best Actress successor—and outside, Ryan Seacrest screamed girlishly. (Seacrest later argued that he thought the offensive sound had come from the ghost of the dead dictator whose ashes Sasha Baron Cohen had dumped on him earlier in the evening, Seacrest was still in the process of removing the ashes particle-by-particle from his Henry Ford tuxedo when the spectacle transpired.)

It seems that actually speaking may prove a career-ending mistake for the formerly promising and questionably French actor. “I was just expecting his voice to be a little more like a Parisian James Earl Jones and a little less like Fran Drescher,” said Melissa McCarthy, who’d been stiffed earlier in the evening for her drastically underappreciated performance in Bridesmaids.

Other audience members found the actor’s voice too caustic to even continue listening and left the theater. “Now someone else will know how this feels,” yelled Tree of Life director Terrence Malick as he flung-wide the theater doors and burst on to Hollywood Boulevard.

Given the widespread disapproval of the entertainment community, the Academy made the decision to retract Mr. Dujardin’s award early Monday morning and instead present it to George Clooney. “Our first thought was to just give it to Meryl Streep,” a spokesperson told Flipside, “but we figured two in one year might be pushing it.”

Most upset about the event was former Oscar winner Colin Firth (The King’s Speech, 2010), who was so shocked by Dujardin’s decision to talk that he st-st-stuttered through his presenter’s monologue.