EVANSTON – Northwestern University Facilities Management announced today that the scheduled burn at the lakefill lagoon successfully burned off 14 species of invasive plants and approximately 700 Northwestern Athletics t-shirts that in hindsight should have never been made.

“These controlled burnings help the ecology of the green spaces on campus,” said Ron Nayler, Associate Vice President for Facilities Management.

“They also give us an opportunity to get rid of some of these ridiculous t-shirts. Like this one right here,” said Nayler, throwing a purple t-shirt reading “ALL WE DO IS WIN” onto the blaze.

Nayler notes that these burnings not only cure the local ecosystem, but also help students deal the deep sense of shame many Wildcats fans often feel. “These kids get way too excited over that one unexpected win over some school like Nebraska and then make a ridiculous shirt that you can’t wear anywhere without feeling self-conscious. Burning these shirts allow students to come to a closure of yet another awful athletics season. It’s also a good lesson for anyone who has trouble understanding the idea of hubris.”

Twenty upperclassmen who were recently unfriended by head football coach Pat Fitzgerald showed up to burn their “FITZ IS MY FACEBOOK FRIEND” shirts. Also included in the burnings were shrubs of butterfly bush, wintercreeper and lilyturf, “Chicago’s Big Ten Team” basketball shirts, Mirkovic authentic jerseys, a witch who actually turned out to be a theatre major, the limited-release “Demos is a Greek god” shirts and a collection of Coach Carmody’s Christmas ties.

EVANSTON, IL – The Office of Undergraduate Admissions was excited to report Tuesday that the Class of 2016, whose newest members were notified of their admission the preceding weekend, will be the university’s most diverse in over 25 years. When asked to elaborate on the precise nature of this notably vague “diversity” which characterizes the incoming freshmen, Vice-President of University Relations Alan K. Cubbage explained that this year the Admissions Committee opted for a new approach in the application evaluation process in an effort to promote what he calls “academic biodiversity.”

“You know,” Cubbage told Flipside, “every year we accept all these a nerdy straight-A types and then they come and complain about how hard it is to do well with the curve. So this year, we thought, hey, after that whole Supreme Court affirmative action thing we should probably steer clear of too much ethnic diversity or whatever, so why don’t we try to get more kids that are average or slightly below to even out the nerd-distribution.”

Following the brutal mauling of three Pre-Meds by 4.0-seeking classmates during the Fall Quarter Chem 101 final, Cubbage says that the Administration realized that Northwestern currently suffers from an overpopulation of predators. A more desirable ecosystem, he suggests, would bring an entire spectrum of trophic levels to the Evanston tundra and establish a biologically diverse academic food chain. The new curve-breaking predators of the Class of 2016 will feast on lower-level autotrophs such as such as “try-hards,” diligent workers who lack the intelligence of dominant species, similar in nature to the North American Carpenter Ant.

Lower-level heterotrophs will include “moochers,” who likely have reasonable academic abilities but are too lazy to do work on their own, and instead scavenge on the efforts of “try-hards,” or in the case of more attractive moochers, curve-breakers who are single and/or desperate. To identify future moochers in the applicant pool, the admissions committee looked for key words in recommendation letters like, “fails to live up to full potential,” and “lack of motivation.” Further down the hypothetical chain are “snoozers,” sloth-like creatures who struggle to remain awake through introductory economic lectures, and the ever-elusive “gamers,” rarely spotted at classes during the day due to the absurd amount of time they spend playing StarCraft.

Cubbage revealed, though, that the issue of establishing decomposers in the new NU ecosystem still remains. To fill this role while maintaining admissions standards, the University is considering requiring Comm students to take several actual classes before graduation, though conservationists argue that the placement of such a vulnerable species in a predatory environment would likely result in extinction.

INTERNET – Area man, Billy Smith, has the best fantasy baseball team, EVER. In fact, it is so great, that Smith reported getting an erection when the league draft ended.

“My team is so awesome that I’ll be able to fantasize about it for years to come,” Smith told his girlfriend, Cynthia Walder, on Friday.

The couple was enjoying March Madness, when it became clear that Smith was unable to concentrate. He kept going into his room during crucial moments in the game and remaining there for long periods of time.

When Walder went to see what was up, she saw his new fantasy baseball team up on the screen and a manic-looking Smith.

“My support for the Nationals will never be able to top my excitement for this team,” he shouted, a little too loudly.

Walder tried seducing Smith to distract him from his fantasy baseball world, but none of her attempts worked, so she left him to his computer.

“I knew he had started to do the fantasy football, or whatever sport it is, but I never knew it could be such a big deal,” Walder said, exasperated. “Can he at least make money off of it?”

But Walder doesn’t have to worry. With the baseball season just getting underway, there will be many opportunities for the failure of Smith’s team. If it’s a success, however, Walder could be in the dugout for upwards of six months.

NEW ORLEANS – The New Orleans Saints’ bounty system has resulted in several suspensions, and today another casualty was added to the tally as linebacker Boba Fett was banned indefinitely for his supposed involvement. Fett, a fourth year player from Tatooine Tech, allegedly delivered vicious hits in exchange for a monetary reward. “I trust that Boba Fett will not make such a mistake again,” warned NFL commissioner Darth Goodell.

Goodell explained that the NFL reviewed game footage and found several instances where Fett delivered dangerous hits to opposing players. He fired his blaster pistol at Bucs RB LeGarette Skywalker, encased Panthers WR Steve Solo in carbonite, and delivered a helmet-to-helmet hit on Falcons QB Matt2-D2. “We find Boba’s lack of faith in the rules disturbing,” lamented the Sith commissioner.

In addition to these allegations, it is also alleged that Fett used several banned accessories during the 2011 season, including a dark helmet visor and a jetpack. Fett’s coach, Sean Payton the Hut, was asked about the charges against his linebacker. He responded “Mmmm ok…spasteelya du oonta Boonta.”

Fett’s suspension may actually work out well for the Saints, who have several young players waiting in the wings at linebacker. “We have another great young player out of Tatooine Tech who has, at the very least, the same level of skill as Boba,” explained defensive coordinator Moff Gregg Williams, “It’s almost like he’s an exact clone of Boba.”

Fett was already expected to miss most of the 2012 season as he recovers from being eaten by Lions DT Ndamukong “The Sarlacc” Suh during last year’s playoffs.

WASHINGTON – A landmark ruling on the legality of “Obamacare” has ended in unexpected compromise. Liberal and conservative factions of the Supreme Court have agreed to allow Americans to choose for themselves between extensive affordable healthcare coverage or a succulent medium-rare quarter-pound cheeseburger. According to Gallup polls, voters are unsure of whether to claim their burger now or wait for secondary rulings on French fry and soft-drink inclusion.

Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has already seized the ruling as campaign material. “This is our chance to defeat the insidious ‘Obamacare’ once and for all!” Santorum thundered at a GOP rally. “Go forth and claim your coupons! Tell Obama that we will not allow death panels or big government to decide our health! Only we have the right to absolutely wreck our bodies!” An aide brought a Republican-endorsed Big Mac up to the stage.

“Hear that sizzle? Savoring that smell? Just look at how juicy this fucker is,” Santorum said, spending the next five minutes enjoying his snack in silence as an increasingly hungry audience began to wander out of the auditorium.

Alexander Edmunds, a local under-employed musician, has found the decision quite difficult.

“I haven’t had health insurance since I was a child,” Edmunds told a group of reporters as he strummed his acoustic guitar in a nearby park. “I just can’t afford it on a musician’s salary. Do I deserve to die for it?”

“So, I take it you’ll be supporting the Obamacare initiative, then?” a CNN correspondent asked.

“Well, I was really hoping to get this cough checked out,” Edmunds answered. “But then I found out the coupon was redeemable at Five Guys. So, maybe next election year.”

WASHINGTON – President Obama inadvertently left his microphone turned on last Thursday, bluntly revealing to the country what it means to be leader of the free world:

[10:02 a.m.] Glad this mic is turned off.

[10:05 a.m.] Yo Joe, if I had a son, I hope he wouldn’t look like Mitch McConnell. At least he’d be an American citizen, though. I’m glad we raised taxes so we could spend all that extra money of the birth certificate forging department.

[10:08 a.m.] Yo Joe, I still can’t believe Air Force One is a plane. I was pretty excited for the free pair of shoes.

[10:10 a.m.] Hey, underlings, put Netanyahu on the phone. I compel you… Hello. Is your refrigerator running? Well, you better catch it. Because America’s not going to help you out.

[11:30 a.m.] Stem cells for lunch again? Yes!

[11:45 a.m.] Oh gracious lord Mao. I am sorry I have missed praying at your shrine lately. I have had to pretend to go to church. It’s an election year. Please forgive me… I need your help. How can I send more American manufacturing jobs overseas? Hell, can I just send over Detroit? By the way, how is it down there?

[11:50 a.m.] Hey, Super PAC. We’ve got some things to coordinate… Yeah, let’s keep funding commercials for Santorum. Too bad that Gingrich thing didn’t work out.

[12:05 p.m.] God damn crackers. There are so many of them and they are all the same. I can’t tell them apart. But they taste great—I think Ritz are my favorite. Pass me some Ritz, Michelle.

[12:15 p.m.] McMullan. The Mullster. I’ve got some bad news. Got to cut your budget in half. No biggie. I might be able to send over all the US-Mexico border patrol to Afghanistan, though. I’m thinking about instituting a draft. Then all the immigrants who come over can take the jobs of the Americans who are fighting overseas.

[12:30 p.m.] Chief Justice. You’ve got to be kidding me with this individual mandate bullshit. My man Roberts, where you at? I worked pretty hard on that shit. Look at yourself. You’re going to need health care pretty soon. Why strike it down? Don’t make me fire you.

[12:45 p.m.] Sasha, make me some pancakes. Daddy’s hungry.

[12:48 p.m.] Oh, sweet mother of Lincoln. Is this thing on?