ASG Candidate Campaigning on “More Recess, Less Homework” Platform

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – NFL Hall of Famer Joe Namath will not be entering the hypothetical Well-Run-Business Hall of Fame. Namath was sad to announce Sunday that his restaurant, Joe’s Bar and Grill, will be shutting its doors permanently at the end of the month. Namath attributed this decision to the fact that he “was losing money faster than [he] can throw a football. Customers would walk in, flash a coupon, and walk out with a wad of cash.”

Namath produced one of these coupons, which are littered around the store. “We’re giving 110%! 110% off everything!”

Namath, quarterback for the New York Jets from 1965-1976, turned to the food industry as a hobby following his retirement. He explained his restaurant philosophy: “I wanted to translate my outlook on sports onto my outlook of running a business. In a game, I would always give 110%, nothing less. To attract customers, I’m giving them the same 110%.”

Namath said he regrets translating his 110% vision into this permanent sale rather than into some other aspect of the restaurant, like portion sizes, food quality, or the amount of alcohol in a shot of his personal whiskey.

The grounds of Joe’s Bar and Grill have already been purchased. Jimmy Sexton, agent for many high-profile athletes, released a statement Tuesday that one of his clients will be operating a new restaurant called Tim Tebow’s Terrific Turkey Toasties.

EVANSTON – Two prospective students and their helicopter parents died Tuesday during a tour of Northwestern. The tragedy occurred after Mrs. Maddie Lees, 46, and Ms. Rebecca Schlessinger, 48, started asking a series of questions about standardized test scores that spun out of control.

Mrs. Lees started to lose control when she learned that SAT IIs were recommended, but not required, even though she personally paid for a private US History tutor and do you know how much those cost.

The tour guide, George Smiley, tried to diffuse the situation by talking about the history of Kresge.

“I was getting pretty nervous when they started hovering over me and even walking in front of me,” said Smiley. “I mean, I’m used to having parents ask all the questions in a tour and telling their kids to shut up, but this was something else.”

“I can’t wait to turn this story into an endearing anecdote,” Smiley added.

Mrs. Schlessinger, seeing an opportunity to befriend the tour guide and therefore guarantee admission for her daughter, told the guide he this was the best tour she had ever been on. She went on to say what a great SAT II policy Northwestern has.

In response, Mrs. Lees swung out her purse and pulled out information brochures from other schools, pointing at their SAT II policy. Seeing the prestige of the schools on the information brochures, Mrs. Schlessinger whipped out her purse and pulled out her copies. The two purses became tangled and mothers veered off course, crashing into the Lakefill.

Their children, Zack Lees and Lauren Schlessinger, were taken down with them.

“It’s a real tragedy,” Northwestern admissions officer Rita Conroy said. “Those kids could have lowered our admission rate.”

EVANSTON – Sex Week is not going as smoothly as organizers would have hoped due to an unforeseen lube shortage. The drought has the College Feminists, the group behind Sex Week, scrambling to whet the appetite of an increasingly chafed and throbbing crowd.

According to event patron Tyler Carter, “Everything was going just swimmingly until the pool of KY Jelly suddenly ran empty. But now my energy is gone and I just can’t keep my enthusiasm up for the speaker coming on stage later.”

Carter is not the only agitated and irritated member in the audience. Fellow patron Willy James adds, “This just rubs me the wrong way. Why don’t they have enough lube? They knew Sex Week was coming for multiple weeks now. They should understand that in order to sustain excitement at peak levels that facilitation of some kind is required.”

Unfortunately the Sex Week committee seems impotent and unable to perform under the rising pressure. The situation is so dire, it seems that there is no way they will be able to wrestle themselves out of this pickle.

Committee member Sarah Johnson lamented, “Lube levels have hit their lowest since NASA stole all of the Astroglide back in 1999. But NASA had a decent excuse for the theft then. They said it would help the rockets penetrate through the tougher layers of atmosphere.”

For a temporary stop gap measure, Sex Week has resorted to covertly supplying alcohol due to its propensity as a social lubricant. Johnson noted, “We hate to do anything rash, but due to the blistering pace of Sex Week we have no choice.” However, she was quick to add, “If we don’t find a permanent solution to this problem, there will be another outbreak and it just will pop up again.”

UPDATE: Reports indicate that the lube shortage has been solved due to a cash infusion from a generous donor. This much-needed aid has left everyone gushing with joy and enabled Sex Week to finish on a high note.