The “I Agree With Markwell” campaign has taken the Northwestern campus by storm. Here is a detailed breakdown of its pros and cons:

The Good
-It’s something to talk about instead of the bad weather.
-If you agree hard enough you get a free indulgence.
-Hipsters who are trying to be ironic and contrarian against the backlash to his campaign agree.
-Nary a soul has been lost on this campaign because they asked for directions, unlike that stubborn Moses.
-The campaign has its own posse or CRU.
-Campaign organizers have gotten to know Jesus in a very biblical sense.
-The campaign seems moderate when compared to Rick Santorum.

The Bad
-The campaign didn’t get the endorsement of the Buddhist community.
-The campaign advocates cannibalism via drinking the blood and eating the body of their savior.
-The campaign admonishes poor people who beg to differ.
-Campaign organizers are getting crucified for having too much passion for the Christ.
-It’s too late, we already agree with John Calvin.
-Campaign organizers are descendants of Eve, the original sinner.
-They talk about saving our lives, yet bore us to death.

WASHINGTON – After seeing the Star Wars-like hologram of the late rapper Tupac Shakur at Coachella, Republicans were so enticed by the technology that they decided to purchase their own hologram projector. Republicans are using their new machine in the GOP National Office to project Ronald Regan 24/7.

Since last Monday, hologram Reagan has been repeating the phrases “Cut Taxes”, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”, and “Trickle-down economics is good economics!”

When asked why the GOP made the purchase, former Republican Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich commented “Yea, we’re not crazy, we know that he’s dead, but… it can’t hurt to pretend, could it?”

Sarah Palin had to be removed from the room for repeated attempts to hug the hologram. Seeing her arms go through him, she would fall to her knees and weep, see the hologram with fresh eyes, and try again. “I know it’s not real, I just wanted to believe,” she explained.

In response, Democrats are already in the process of developing their FDR hologram to compete with the Reagan hologram. When completed, the hologram should be capable of reminding everyone about the New Deal and how it totally worked and how awesome it was. “It’s just nice to be reminded every now and then,” says President Obama.

EVANSTON – Over 500 students applied to be Northwestern Lie Tellers this year, the largest number of applicants ever. Students even lied about the name of the position they are applying for, claiming they wanted to be “Tour Guides.”

“I really love it here,” feigned one applicant, SESP sophomore Colleen Conklin, who spends most weekends passed out on the couch of the apartment she shares with an illegal number of roommates. “I want to convince prospective students this is the perfect institution for them.”

Conklin hopes to tell visitors that Northwestern’s average ACT score is 35.8, that 97% of graduates earn over a million dollars per year, and that famous alumni include both Joe Biden and Barack Obama.

Current Lie Teller Ariah Lincolnson told the crowd of high schoolers and parents following her like lemmings some of the unlikely highlights of Northwestern. “The Daily Meal recently ranked us third in the nation based on dining hall quality,” said the Communications senior in a fantastic imitation of honesty. “You should really stop by Allison while you’re here – they have delicious pasta!”

Leading the tour group past a bed of flowers, skillfully avoiding the areas torn up by construction equipment, Ariah fibbed, “The weather here isn’t as bad as some people say. This last winter the temperature rarely got below freezing. That’s very typical.”

Joseph Nesler, a senior at East High School in Topeka, Kansas, asked Ariah how much time she spends doing schoolwork. “I was surprised at how little work classes are here, and yet I’m learning more than I ever thought possible,” responded Ariah. Ariah, a theater major whose hardest class so far has been French 101, decided not to mention her roommate once studied 38 consecutive hours for an Orgo midterm.

Ariah’s strategy of pretending Northwestern isn’t a life-sucking pit of despair seems effective in convincing students to matriculate. Prospective tour guides are enthusiastic to continue this tradition.

Said Conklin, “My goal is to get a job after graduation. That’s going to be so much easier if people think Northwestern is better than it really is.”

ABC STUDIOS, MANHATTAN—The entertainment community was completely unsurprised to learn this past week that broadcasting icon Dick Clark had passed away as a result of a heart attack at age 82 in his Santa Monica home. Though official records report Mr. Clark’s time of death as sometime during the morning of Wednesday April 18th, 2012, medical examiners say he actually could have died as early as January 4^th, 2005, the date his last facial twitch was observed.

The entertainer’s death leaves ABC executives with a foreboding and unfamiliar task in finding a replacement for Mr. Clark in his iconic role as the host of Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve, since the notes from the last audition process are recorded in hieroglyphics on a cavern wall somewhere beneath their Manhattan headquarters.

Describing the most important attributes of a prospective host, ABC Executive Producer Chip Bauerman told The Flipside, “the main thing is that they can count down from ten, but that actually eliminated all of the aspiring actors and actresses we auditioned.”

When looking for a new face for the annual TV special proved fruitless, Bauerman said executives went back to the drawing board. “We scratched our heads and thought, ‘Geez, what was it that made ole’ Dick so special?’ and then I think we got it. When I think New Year’s, I think good will to all men and that whole spiel but I also think youth, joy, revelry, and mainly hope for the future—basically everything Dick Clark wasn’t.”

According to Bauerman, Barbara Bush, Ozzy Osbourne, and former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich were among the names tossed around in the “people who represent exactly what New Year’s doesn’t” category, but executives were eventually forced to abandon the process following a disastrous meeting with Kanye West. When asked to give a sampling of what he might tell audiences on the big night, West told producers he’d likely start off, “now I’mma let you start up here 2013,but I just wanna say 2012 was definitely one of the best years OF ALL TIME.” The rapper reportedly stormed out of the meeting, though, after being told that hosting the New Year’s Eve special would not, in fact, allow him to freeze time on years he won Grammys and didn’t do anything too horrendously offensive.

An epiphany of sorts hit the ABC team when Vice President Tommy Studemaker suggested they just continue to use Dick Clark’s body as the host each year. “After a while,” Bauerman explained, “we realized—you know what? Dick’s mouth really hasn’t moved in a broadcast since the mid-nineties, so if we just play an old audio tape with the right year dubbed in and prop him up pretty well, odds are no one will know the difference!” Their predictions are supported by a 2010 survey in People Magazine which asked readers to choose “Real or Wax?” for a picture of a live celebrity and their figure at Madame Tussaud’s Museum, where a staggering 11 out of 10 readers guessed wrong for Clark.

In order to preserve Clark’s famously lifeless appearance between broadcasts, his body will be frozen and stored in the same underground vault as Walt Disney’s brain and Mel Gibson’s soul.

Our campus exploded with debate this week over the “I agree with Markwell” campaign that was chalked across the sidewalks. While I believe that Markwell certainly has some valid points regarding theism and divinity, we must also consider that Fraiche Café’s Cinnamon Bomb cupcakes are delicious.

Perhaps Jesus Christ can lead me to an afterlife of eternal happiness, but each Cinnamon Bomb leads me to spice rack nirvana when it explodes with flavorful holiness in my mouth. And He can only have the second best rebirth of all time, since there’s no way He can beat the feeling of throwing up a Cinnamon Bomb after a night of drinking and getting to taste that pastry Jesus all over again.

Markwell tells me that I should have faith in Him and that it will lead me to a more fulfilling life. Well Marky Mark, how could He ever be more fulfilling than the time I successfully ate five Cinnamon Bombs in five minutes without any water? I called it the Cinnamon Bomb Challenge, and it was divine.

The Holy Trinity of Father, Son, and Holy Ghost seems to be quite something, but it simply cannot compare to the Holy Trinity of Donut-Style Dough, Muffin Shape, and Cinnamon Taste. I plan on painting a fresco in the apse of every church in Evanston depicting this confectionary triumvirate so that it can be remembered for generations.

In the end, my argument is simple. Some pastry chef was willing to risk life and limb to steal Fraiche’s Cinnamon Bomb recipe. So tell me, Markwell, when was the last time someone ever did something that rash in the name of Jesus Christ?