FUNAFUTI, TUVALU – Willy Telavi, Prime Minister of Tuvalu, was informed Friday that his nation had been sold at auction to the same man who purchased “The Scream.” Although the famous Munsch painting sold for a record $119.9 million May 2, Tuvalu went for a paltry $15 million, though this is admittedly more than twice as large as Tuvalu’s annual budget.

The purchaser is determined to remain anonymous, unwilling to divulge to the public his true identity and just how many bazillions of dollars he has. However, it came as no surprise when he purchased the Pacific Island nation; with a GDP of only $36 million, the mystery purchaser was easily able to afford it.

Foreign Relations analysts can only speculate what the purchaser will do with his new nation. Gordon Gordonson of the BBC commented, “All we know is that he likes ‘The Scream.’ He likes art, so maybe he’ll turn Tuvalu into an art gallery. He likes screaming, so maybe

he’ll order the Tuvaluans to yell at him. And honestly, anyone who spends that kind of money for ‘The Scream’ must be kind of angsty, so it’s my bet that he’ll turn the nation into a human safari, like in ‘The Most Dangerous Game’ by Richard Connell.”

Tuvaluans are for the most part happy about the purchase. Governor General Iakoba Italeli said in an exclusive interview with The Flipside, “Despite being an independent nation since 1978, we still submit to the God-blessed authority of Her Majesty Elizabeth II. As Governor General, I perform the duties of the Queen in her absence. Which is always, because she never comes here. God save the Queen.”

Italeli is therefore excited to submit to the rule of the unknown purchaser. “I hope it’s Mitt Romney,” said Italeli. “He’s so handsome, he seems like a nice guy, and he’d totally buy a nation. Things aren’t looking too good for him in the American election.”

SILICON VALLEY, CA — In a press conference last Monday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced several new updates to the timeline template, the most noteworthy being a new feature which indicates whether or not the user is an organ donor. “Eighteen people around the world die each day waiting for a heart, liver, or kidney transplant,” said Zuckerberg in a press conference, “and by adding this new feature, I hope to change that. Kind of like Bono and…AIDS, right? Bono does that whole anti-AIDS thing?”

Since no one ever lies on Facebook, Zuckerberg predicts that user profiles will be a 100% universal and reliable tool for surgeons to make organ donor matches as early as next year. Some hospitals, however, have begun to use the feature already, and almost-doctor Mark Thompson of the completely legitimate St. Bernie’s Hospital in Beulah, Mississippi says he made his first patient-donor match earlier this week.

“This drunk fella came in earlier complainin’ a’ stomach-cramps, and I was pretty sure he needed a new liver. All I had to do was a little searchin’ in the Beulah High School network, and I saw that right under ‘Religious Views: Pastafarian’ on Jimmy Creevey’s profile, it said ‘Type A, Organ Donor.’ I asked him if he’d be willin’ to give up some liver on Facebook chat and it was a done deal.”

Almost-Dr. Thompson went on to explain that his patient was relieved to know that not only did the donor have the right blood type, but that he was also “fun guy,” having seen pictures of Creevey doing a beer-bong

from the second story of a barn at Timmy Hatfield’s party last Friday.

Some users, though, have had a less pleasant experience with the donor-request process. Tammy Marquette, a high school student from Columbus, Ohio, was initially a fan of the feature after getting “like omg, over fifty likes!” on her organ donor status update. However, she says she became a little unsettled after receiving friend requests from several older men hoping to evaluate her as a possible kidney-donating candidate for a young relative.

“Normally I would have thought they were creepers, but omg the grandchild thing was so sad! One guy messaged me to say that he really needed me to make my ‘Sweet 16 Pool Party!’ album public so he could complete his evaluation though, which my friends agree is totally sketch.”

Many investors viewed the “organ donor” app as an attempt by Zuckerberg to add value to the Facebook stock before its upcoming IPO. Proponents, meanwhile, applauded Zuckerberg’s efforts to legitimize a website whose current most popular use is the sharing of cat videos.

Critics, however, pointed out that the feature may be “really weird,” and “totally unnecessary,” and many raised concerns about the fact that after 30 days, users who don’t select an organ donor status are automatically made “brain donors.” Hearing this feedback, Zuckerberg became twitchy and blurted out, “no, I’m definitely not trying to make a zombie army to take over the world. That’s definitely not what I’m doing!” before running out of the room.