Category Archives: No. 115

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BREAKING: Carlos Danger Changes Name to Carlos Fucking Danger

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NEW YORK, NY — Carlos Danger, the greatest Internet celebrity since hall-of-fame class act Amanda Bynes, has changed his name in response to the confused and critical responses he received on social media today. The Mexican vigilante and dick-pic-taker extraordinaire felt his identity was severely compromised and degraded when throngs of social media aficionados and standup wannabes criticized his vaguely racially-offensive pseudonym in somewhat more racially-offensive one-liners. “The idea to use my name as the label for the Republican immigration

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British Tour de France Winner Really Excited About Royal Baby

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PARIS, FRANCE — Chris Froome, the recent champion of the 100th Tour de France, was reportedly ecstatic to receive news of the birth of His Highness the Prince of Cambridge on Monday. Froome, who won the month-long, 2,100 mile bike race by the largest margin since 2005, hurriedly raced to the finish line in the last stage to see if Kate had delivered the baby yet. “I can’t believe the royal baby has arrived! What did it weigh, half a stone? Wow.

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Soon-To-Be Roommates Already Confident That They Will Be Best Friends

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THE INTERNET — Incoming freshmen Kerry Stahlin and Nicole Silva officially became roommates yesterday. Silva quickly accepted Stahlin’s offer to room together, a product of months of Facebook inbox flirtation. “Kerry is just so me. I feel like I’ve known the girl my entire life,” Silva explained. Although Stahlin and Silva have never met, their online communication clearly conveys that they are an undeniably perfect pair. The relationship began shortly after early decision letters were released. Silva messaged Stahlin in

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ASG Thrilled that #ASG is Finally Trending on Twitter

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EVANSTON — Due to Tuesday’s MLB All-Star Game, #ASG was a trending tag on Twitter. The Northwestern Associated Student Government said it was the greatest moment – literally the greatest moment, free of any controversy or procedural bickering – in the history of the organization. “We were ecstatic,” said Matthew Silver, ASG’s Vice President of Coincidental Social Media Publicity. “This is the kind of moment that my office, and all of Northwestern, has been waiting for.” The fact that the

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Study Abroad Student Nearly Caught Up on Breaking Bad

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PARIS — Three weeks into his two-month Study Abroad program, rising senior Jimmy Bullock confirmed today that he has successfully completed Season 4 of critically-acclaimed drama Breaking Bad. The AMC program, which begins its 6th and final season this August, was reportedly savored by Bullock in binge-watching marathons during free evenings and weekends while other students in the program were taking advantage of their once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to explore Europe. “This program is fantastic!” Bullock gushed in a recent blog post,

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