Category Archives: No. 155
If the career fair hasn’t gotten you down yet, your dwindling student checking account definitely has. It’s time to get a job.
Dubbed “crossbow-gate,” the Patriots’ latest tactic is projected to push the odds to the Patriots’ favor. Studies show that football teams that use crossbows win 97% of the time against teams that do not use crossbows.
EVANSTON—Students received a message from President Morton Schapiro Monday afternoon regarding the upcoming announcement of an unprecedented alumni donation. This donation will be honored on Wednesday, January 28 at a special ceremony led by Schapiro himself. Following the announcement, speculation concerning the identity of the magnanimous benefactor plagued the student body. Rumors of Chester M. Hanks (a.k.a. Chet Haze a.k.a. Tom Hanks Jr. a.k.a. Mr. Wonderful) involvement have been quashed by the most recent update from the Office of the
Students seemed really relieved that we only require five rounds of interviews, beating a certain number of other candidates in armed mud-wrestling, and a flawless performance of a blood sacrifice of an orphan.
The situation in France has worsened to a point that FOX News, yesterday, just decided to announce that in the scheme of things, “France is DEAD.”