Category Archives: No. 191
Morty: Tuesdays now Mondays, Wednesdays now Fridays, Saturdays now Thursdays, and Every Other Friday is a Sunday
“At Northwestern, we work to be an exemplary institution, and I think a big part of that is demonstrating that our students and faculty have no difficulty adjusting to the random allocation of days without regard to traditional calendars.”
While it is true that Governor Gilmore has not formally announced his candidacy for ASG President, his recent United States presidential campaign indicates he is open to leadership roles.
ASG Presidential candidate Mark Nox has announced that he would be suspending his campaign following the leak of an embarrassing Middle School recess video by an anonymous source.
“Black House, they love me! Hilel, they love me! Social Justice Warriors, they love me! Morty himself, he loves me!”
Recent reports by the Illinois Election Committee have revealed that all of the candidates running for ASG President are being funded by the Koch Brothers.
“Even though I often envy schools like North Carolina and Syracuse for their rich basketball traditions and tournament success this year, I also recognize the value of basic literacy.”
“First responders claimed that members of Deloitte allegedly assaulted some pro-Fielder members as they attempted to enter the venue.”