Category Archives: No. 214
“We are encouraged by recent efforts enacted by the Interfraternity Council (IFC). We feel this will curb sexual assault on campus, and effectively push it off campus,” remarked Patricia Telles-Irvin.
“Sexual assault allegations in an on-campus residential hall are best handled with strongly worded campus-wide emails and whatever an ‘awareness workshop’ is.”
“Frankly, we, the organizers of Sex Week, were just as blindsided as the students. The whole thing just blew up in our face. It was a complete mess.”
Thanks to a team of crack investigators, reporters have heard directly from inside sources that, in fact, Disney-owned Club Penguin is Muslim.
“I—despite being a straight, rich, white male conservative—feel like I can be the best ally to people upset at how the world chews up and spits out the little guy.”
Over the weekend non-area student Alex Jackson visited Northwestern’s campus. Sources indicate he was somewhat impressed.