The Northwestern community wishes Freitag a quick and healthy re-integration and hopes that the temporary assistance will relieve his raccoon-based paranoia built up over these several trying months.
Category Archives: Articles
“In years past, the water bottles were the perfect symbol for productivity and refreshment. But these days we count ourselves lucky not to contemplate our mortality every 5 seconds.”
“Morty doesn’t have a long attention span. Soon he’ll be caught up in his next misadventure and construction can continue as planned. No biggie.”
According to SOFO, the goal was to find a location inaccessible by road or other conventional forms of transportation.
After grabbing an unmarked yogurt from the company refrigerator, he knew he had to speak up against the injustice.
Several sources close to the Trump family have voiced concern over how much time he spends watching the soulless pawns dance across the screen, but Marcellus isn’t worried: “If anything, this is what his father would have wanted.”
An overly nonchalant caption, exclusively in lowercase letters and overwhelmingly blasé, follows each post.
At press time, the White House was frantically sandbagging the doors and windows as neat regiments of transgender Navy Seals politely waited outside to have a word with the commander in chief.
In a maneuver described by neutral observers as “masterful” and “ultra-smooth,” SESP freshman Jacob Banbury expertly slid the words “my girlfriend” into a quick anecdote he told his friends over lunch in Norris earlier today. “It was sublime,” said one of those friends, Landon Trent, WCAS ’20. “He wasn’t, like, making a big deal out of it. He just nonchalantly dropped in the fact that he’s getting some while telling an unrelated story about what he gets on his Subway
“Any historian knows that the ground beneath campus is hallowed by pagan witchcraft. The ancient ones knew to build out onto the lake rather than down into the abyss.”