Category Archives: Business
If the career fair hasn’t gotten you down yet, your dwindling student checking account definitely has. It’s time to get a job.
“Just Yogurt is a great example of how businesses can practice sustainable bacterial processes and satisfy their customers’ needs.”
Many referred to a recent survey by the Pew Institute where 82% indicated they picked their nose recently, 74% said they’d picked a scab, and 22% reported having eaten a bug or worm intentionally in the past 60 days.
“Times are tough, and we realized there is now a market for cost-efficient vehicles. Sales have been down recently, but we hope with our new Recall we will have the highest figures of all automakers by the end of this year.”
These lucrative tips have made our illustrious paper the 10th wealthiest bi-weekly satirical publication on campus, and once you’ve read this article, you’ll have no excuse not to be rich.
“We’re hoping by next year students will be able to exchange their Mortcoins for Norbucks Bucks and Frontero Dineros.”
TEVA PHARMACEUTICALS — New legislation will soon enable women above the age of 15 to purchase Plan B One-Step® emergency contraceptive without parental consent. This is an exciting time for Teva Pharmaceuticals shareholders, and the company is proud to announce that it has been awarded an exclusive patent for production and sale of a new once-a-day contraceptive: “Plan B for Kids.” These chewable daily vitamins, an essential part of any balanced breakfast, deliver a clinical dosage of levonorgestrel in teenager-approved
COLUMBUS, GA — Trans fat gourmands across America rejoiced this past week upon hearing that Apollo Global Management LLC, the firm that bought the royal icing of the Hostess empire, the Twinkie, had plans to reopen bakeries and return many of the only semi-genetically modified treats to stores by mid-July. The largest obstacle in resuming production, though, according to Apollo CEO C. Dean Metropolous (besides, of, course, ever looking at a Twinkie again now that he knows what’s in them)
LEVERKUSEN, GERMANY — Citing huge untapped markets in the lucrative “Human Rights Abuses” subfield of their R&D division, pharmaceutical giant Bayer announced today that it would resume production of Cyanide-based gas Zyklon B, 57 years after former chairman Fritz ter Meer was convicted of slavery and mass murder charges for his collaboration with Nazi officials. Company spokesman Jonas Trumbauer delivered the news to investors as part of the company’s quarterly financial call: “Recent developments in Syria and North Korea have