IRVINE, CA—Taco Bell, a restaurant long associated with weight loss, has yet again revolutionized fast food diets with their new Seven-Layer Diet Burrito.

“The fast in ‘fast food’ stands for how quickly you will lose weight,” said now-dead Taco Bell President Glenn Bell. He died of unknown causes, though an autopsy revealed a suspicious amount of guacamole in his lungs, liver, and gall bladder.

The Taco-Bells and whistles of the diet focus on each of the food groups. The Seven-Layer Diet Burrito is simply a quesadilla wrapped in a chalupa — enveloped by a taco — covered with a tortilla — all melted together by layers of cheese, guacamole, and sour cream. It probably has all the food groups covered. It has only 7 kg of fat.

Christine Dougherty, who attributes her recent 50-pound weight loss to the new dish, is the spokesperson behind the campaign.

“Running ten hours a day, refusing to sit down, and constantly chewing celery had little to do with my weight loss when compared to the 7-layer burrito,” says Dougherty, who is as logical a spokesperson as Tiger Woods is for E-Harmony.  

Still, health experts warn that you might want to think outside the burrito.

“As much as people enjoy Taco Bell’s authentic recreation of Mexican cuisine,” says anti-social University of Chicago health professor Anita Bagel, “the restaurant’s reliance on pesticides and the tears of Organic Chemistry students would make me slightly skeptical about the new product.”

“It just doesn’t seem as real to me as Avatar,” Bagel added. “McDonald’s has that market cornered.”

WILMETTE, IL—Area grandma Gertrude Smith catapulted herself to untold riches last week after closing on her 12-year financial plan, which involved investing in Ty Beanie Babies. The sale of her 270 beloved sacks of beads, worth almost nothing, inexplicably raised her net worth to an estimated $1.8 Billion.

The plush animals, a fad from 1997, were snatched up by rabid consumers and hoarded as rare collector’s items, despite having been as readily available as water. Many cited the future potential value of the mass produced toys as the justification for the frenzy.

In a recent exclusive interview, the new mogul offered a glimpse into the astute business management that landed her the deal. “Don’t touch the tag. If you touch the tag, you’re going to ruin it. Snort [the bull] is going to be worth twice as much some day. That’s what I always told my grandkids.” Smith’s discipline paid off.

She recently began hosting a new show on MSNBC to reach out and guide her new followers. “The window on the Beanie market is closing, but I see the Pokemon segment growing more bullish every day. Snorlax is strong, Squirtle is stale, but Charmander is white-hot. Sell sell sell! We’re all in Pokemon Stadium, you’re Ash, and the opportunities are flying around – you gotta catch ‘em all.” Financial experts are praising the 83-year-old widow’s razor-sharp predictions, and expect her sound advice to lead the U.S. economy back to stable ground.

“When you’ve spent years creating a clusterfuck economy through reckless lending,” waxed Wells Fargo trader Steven Terin, “sometimes all you need is grandma’s good ol’ common-sense advice to fix it.”

EVANSTON—Chicago’s Carriage Dispatch announced it will raise its prices three halfcents this month in an effort to remedy its debt. The transportation company had been hoping to be included in the federal bailout package, but the stimulus moneys were instead offered to South Carolina, who requested financial assistance with building a militia.

“We overextended ourselves. We dug too many dirt paths throughout the city and now we have to pay for them,” explained CCD Deputy Daniel Boone Heade, whose grandsire was the celebrated American pioneer. Many a student are finding the hike in cost inexcusable. “I smell a rat. My ma and pa don’t give me enough bank notes as it is. How is I supposed to travel now?” asked Morgan Alleghany, an English major at Northwestern.

Moreover, the CCD’s engorged carriage fare has reminded Northwestern students that they still have not been issued a UBuggy pass, which would allow them free transportation to Chicago and entrance into famous museums and theatres (set to be built soon).

“One of the main reasons we all came here was that Chicago is so close to Evanston. You can horse and buggy it to a major city in a little over a fortnight!” etched student Johnston Maplebury onto his wall. He said he believed the university should encourage its students to get out of this “ghost town only known for its varied cuisine.”

The CCD suggested Northwestern create its own line of free transportation carriages to bring students to Chicago and back. University officials said they will look into this, as well as a Pony Frostbite Express for cold winter nights.

LOS GATOS, CA—Users of the popular DVD distribution service Netflix were up in arms on Monday after the company ran out of copies of the popular comedy “Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle,” a film popular with stoners all over the globe.

“Like, dude,” area Netflix user Ben Mellon told The Flipside, “not seeing “Harold and Kumar” on 4/20 totally messes with my chi. That one scene where they get the White Castle burgers is sweeeeet.”
Netflix spokesman Adam Field offered an explanation for the shortage of DVDs. “We usually get spikes like this around the time of the year a movie becomes relevant. Two weeks ago, as Easter approached, The Passion of the Christ was in high demand. Last week, during sex week, I’d like to see you try to find a copy of Muffy the Vampire Layer. These things happen.”

Stoners have found various ways to cope with the loss of their cult classic. Mellon explained that his girlfriend had received Milk from Netflix. “I tried to get high and watch, but that shit was dull. Made me real thirsty, too. Mmm. Milk.”

Another pair of stoners were admitted to Evanston Hospital after they attempted to ride a cheetah, imitating a famous scene from the film. After failing to find a cheetah, they attempted to ride a car instead. They are in critical but stable condition and are expected to remain in the hospital for the next couple of days.

EVANSTON—With April 20th looming, as every year, just on the heels of April 19, vending machines across the country are being restocked and fortified against the impending onslaught of stoners who “could really go for some Ho-Hos right now.” In dorm buildings and break rooms everywhere, vending machine companies are seeking to prepare themselves for the sudden demand for their services that occurs every year on Hitler’s birthday, knowing full well that insufficient preparation could lead to disaster.

It is widely believed in the vending machine industry that, if a shortage of snack-sized junk food were to occur, the resulting turmoil would cause bank software to reset to the year zero, effectively ending modern society as we know it. “Forget the Y2K Bug,” says industry analyst C. Frito McPherson, “the 420 Bug is a reality and it is something that the vending machine industry has fought to prevent for years. Personally, I keep a stash of premium single-serving snacks in a special shelter behind my house. Should we fail, heaven forbid, to meet the demands of the baked masses on 4/20, I’ll be ready. You should be too.”

To prevent mass panic as awareness of the potential for vending machine failure spreads, the Discovery Channel has announced that a special episode of Survivor Man will be created, in which Les Stroud will have to navigate a simulated, post-4/20 wasteland. Frito-Lay and Hostess will also be providing complementary vending machine supplement packs in high-risk areas.

MCHENRY, IL—Cecil Daniels used to be neurotic about littering. He has admitted to keeping trash bags in his Toyota Prius to pick up and throw away garbage on the street. Since childhood, Daniels said, he was aware of the effects of littering, an attitude created by a public service announcement.

That has since changed. “These ‘eco’ products are amazing, they’ve totally changed my life,” Daniels told The Flipside. “Now, I just toss my used 5th generation brand paper plates out of my car window, with the comfort of knowing they’ll soon be absorbed into the earth.”

The growing trend of “green” product packaging, which underlines recycled, biodegradable post-consumer paper materials that rely less on petroleum, has created a spontaneous trashing of sidewalks, roadsides, wildernesses, and, yes, Segway paths. Although many environmentalists were surprised by the latest trend in littering, experts say it is here to stay. “The shame attached to littering has finally been put to rest,” said the head of EPA, Mrs. Vegan. “With manufacturers packaging goods in unbleached, biodegradable, cornstarch based papers and plastics, more people will throw away their garbage wherever is convenient, knowing that it will safely decompose within the next 15 or so years.”

The growing reaction form “neo-litterbugs” like Cecil Daniels has been nothing less than gleeful. Scientists have seen a 9% increase in highway littering since the end of 2008.

To prevent further littering, many environmentalists demand that Congress pass legislation forcing all packages to be coated with a toxin that can kill wildlife unless products are properly disposed of in garbage bags. They hope people will then question the morality of littering and ultimately begin recycling again, the “proper way.”

WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama has used a very hands on approach to try to revive the economy. He has, as promised in his campaign, attempted to remove agencies or institutions which are not operating efficiently or effectively. Last week, Obama forced General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to resign, citing that GM’s troubles were largely Wagoner’s fault. Obama’s control over GM did not stop with just its C.E.O.

Obama’s changes in office have been as specific as selecting new cars for his motorcade. He and the First Lady visited a Washington D.C. area GM dealer after returning from the G-20 Summit. “We were looking for something quaint,” says Michelle Obama. “Barack and I were ready to buy one of those new GMC Acadias. He wanted to get one that had a black interior and a white exterior, but I convinced him that black and black was the way to go.”

To the Obama’s dismay, the dealer was unable to locate the exact make and model they requested. “They had such specific requests on such short notice,” claims GM salesman Rick Mahogany. “I just couldn’t get what they were looking for in time. I’m only one man.”

President Obama is allergic to incompetence, so he fired the salesman on the spot, citing an executive order. His recent control over GM helped speed along the process. “I will be appointing a more efficient staff to the local dealership. Only if we work together and end inefficiency can we combat this global crisis.”

WHEELING, IL—Bernardo Johnson, intern of Midland Paper, was honored today for the Intern of the Year Award. Johnson, a 39-year-old graduate of the University of North Dakota, has been working for Midland for 14 years. This is the first award for Bernardo, as his recent purchase of a Swingline 3-Hole punch has allowed for the company’s stock status reports to be processed three times faster.

An over joyous Johnson told The Flipside, “Maybe they’ll finally hire me. I haven’t paid my taxes since Reagan was in office. This is the best $10.70 I’ve ever spent!” Johnson’s single hole puncher will be donated to charity.

“I was inspired by my great godfather, Roland Wernoff, who invented the automatic paper shredder. Back in the 1920’s in the height of identity fraud in the United States, he used to tear up papers, one by one, with only his bare hands and a lot of motivation. I used to be like him too, doing punches one at a time. But now I’m done with that lifestyle.”

Many other interns hope to follow in the footsteps of Bernardo. It is likely, however, that someone more qualified, and with more 3-hole punching experience, will replace him.

President of Midland, Theodore C. X. P. D. Midland, told us that he no longer intends to keep Bernardo. “Yeah, we just don’t need his, uh, services anymore at corporate. Now that we have that 3-hole puncher, we may consider sending him to one of our distribution centers in Normal, IL.”

The company does not plan to inform Johnson of his termination. Rather, they believe he’ll get the hint when they take away his gold paper clip trophy, which he received early this morning.

Perhaps Bernardo, and Midland, could have used a Staples Easy Button a long time ago, but even that could not have stimulated productivity like the purchase of the 3-Hole punch.

WASHINGTON—With the DOW closing just above 7,850 on Friday, economists are predicting that the worst has yet to come. A mortgage crisis, depreciation of the dollar, and a failed economic policy by the Bush administration are largely to blame for tough economic conditions. With companies forced to cut down on spending, laying off workers was inevitable. Unemployment has reached its highest rate in years, 7.6%, that according to the United States Department of Labor.

Spokesman for the Department of Labor, Shaun Chandler, was reluctant to share some of the government’s findings on the struggling economy. “Things are not looking up right now,” he stated in a press conference on Friday. “The federal government is doing everything in its power to sort through this mess and eventually bring relief to the people.”

With a very capable workforce unable to receive a paycheck, Chandler was asked when the relief would come. “We’re really working on it…You know, we can’t do everything here. I know there are millions without work, but it is not exactly like they are helping themselves.”

A new study by the department found that laid off Americans were not helping their situation. The study determined that 78% of those no longer receiving a salary “are doing very little to help the struggling economy.” Director of the study, Samuel Chastere, explained that “These laid off whathaveyous are not putting any money into the economy. If they don’t start buying things, I’m not sure we’ll ever get out of this mess.”

Betsy Schlieden, who recently retired from United Airlines, believes the unemployed are to blame for a weak economy. “The unemployed have abandoned their patriotic duties. They are spending far less than the people with jobs.” The unemployed have, however, helped one industry in particular. The alcohol industry has shown impressive numbers early in the first quarter.