HOLLYWOOD, CA — The producers of Jurassic Park 4 announced last week that the upcoming film is being indefinitely delayed until cloning technology makes “several large breakthroughs.”

Patrick Crowley, one of the two producers, said, “This film is going to be groundbreaking. We’re going to use real dinosaurs, no more of that crummy CG-stuff audiences can so easily tell is fake. After only measurable success with the first films in the franchise, we knew we wanted to take 4 to the next level. We just need to wait for technology to catch up with our vision.”

Crowley’s co-producer Frank Marshall explained what went wrong, causing the delays. “The real dinosaurs idea is phenomenal, but it’s been tough to get around the staggering lack of dinosaurs on this planet. We tried cloning a dinosaur, combining crocodile DNA with some DNA we extracted from blood trapped in a mosquito preserved in a piece of amber, but that didn’t work. The dinosaurs were too vicious and agile and escaped from their cages and ate two of the cameramen.”

Marshall continued, “We decided to wait until cloning technology was good enough that we could combine our dinosaur DNA with a friendly bunny rabbit. Right now our best velociraptor has a little bunny tail and two floppy bunny ears. It’s super cuddly and nice and loves snuggling. It’s absolutely ridiculous, completely unusable. We had to have it shot. We need the ferocious look and the friendly personality. Cloning technology just isn’t there yet.”

Crowley added, “Worst case scenario is that we’ll just release the footage of our first velociraptors eating our cameramen.”

Crowley said he is sure Jurassic Park 4 won’t fall into the same trap the 2009 film Avatar did. Avatar was delayed 15 years so that technology could create James Cameron’s dream for the film, which had “very pretty visuals, but no compelling storyline whatsoever.”

“There’s no way our gory, action-packed, many-year-delayed, multimillion dollar sequel-to-a-sequel-to-a-sequel will lack a story worth telling.”

If you’re one of many people out there who are still clinging to their last hopes of being surprised by the new film adaptation of The Great Gatsby because you were too lazy to Sparknote it in high school, turn back now.

Let’s just get one thing straight, “spoiler alerts” should be rendered void after a book has been published for, oh, I don’t know, ALMOST A CENTURY. Be honest with yourself for a minute and realize that if you haven’t cared to peruse the roughly 150 page novel by now, you probably aren’t going to. This principle carries over into all subsequent film versions of said text, so before you write an angry letter saying I ruined the magic of the Jazz Age for you, know that this is completely your fault.

For those of you that have read the book, congratulations on being the smuggest of assholes since the movie was announced. Your literary prowess has earned you the right to be better than all of your ignorant peasant friends who couldn’t be bothered to read one of the greatest works in all of American literature. That is, until they make a new version of Moby Dick, which I mean, really, who actually read the whole thing? You, you erudite scholar, are immune to all spoilers, and are therefore probably the only ones still reading this. So let’s get down to the details, what should you expect from Baz Luhrmann’s The Great Gatsby?

First of all, Jay Gatsby is going to die at the end. I know you know it, so please, don’t look so surprised. And although Leonardo Dicaprio is probably going to be flawless, unless the Academy creates a new category for being heartbreakingly handsome, he probably isn’t going to win an Oscar. Don’t worry, his latest supermodel girlfriend will help him dry his sweet, precious tears.

Is your favorite part of the book going to be in the movie? Probably not! I know that haunting sentence from Chapter 4 completely changed the way that you view American decadence, but Dicaprio looked kind of sweaty and puffy in that scene, so they had to cut it.

Lastly, try to remember that this is an adaptation of a book, not a seven hour film version of the novel. They’re going to get stuff wrong. They’re going to change, cut, augment, and bastardize what you think is the pivot point that the whole story hangs on, and you needed to get over that, like, yesterday. So please stop bitching and moaning about all the great stuff they left out, and start bitching and moaning about how expensive your ticket was like the rest of us.

EVANSTON — Following the announcement that rapper Danny Brown would be the midday Hip Hop artist featured at this year’s Dillo Day festivities, many Northwestern students voiced concerns related to a recent scandalous performance by the artist in Minneapolis. Mayfest, the group responsible for planning the Dillo Day lineup, quelled the anxieties of more conservative Wildcats by explaining via their twitter account that instead of actually rapping, Brown would do a live reading of the 2003 literary thriller The Da Vinci Code.

“I mean, with Smash Mouth headlining, Dillo is early 2000s themed already,” Mayfest President Tanya Whitmore told The Flipside. “Having an actual almost-mainstream artist perform nearly-popular music just wouldn’t have been in line with NU tradition.”

Whitmore went on to explain that she and her executive board had had reservations about the overtly sexual lyrics of the self-proclaimed “XXX” rapper from the outset, “but Professor J. Michael Bailey really pushed hard [for us to invite Brown]. Like, he literally tweeted at us every single day. He’s paying for half the performer’s fee. All-in-all though, having a book reading is probably more appropriate for Northwestern students anyways, and it might actually require more musical ability than Steve Aoki’s set last year.”

The Dillo Day reading will take place on the Lakefill around noon, and Whitmore assured The Flipside that appropriate refreshments would be provided. Cucumber sandwiches and a selection of other hors d’oeuvres will be served to all attendees with a valid Wildcard, and depending on funding, a limited amount of French-press coffee and espresso may be available.

Rumors of several unofficial Da Vinci Code-related events have also surfaced, including incriminating evidence about secretive groups like Deru and Lou Malnati’s pizzeria. Sheil Catholic Center is “extremely concerned about the protection of our relics,” according to Priest Brian McNally. “We have what we are 95% sure is Frances Willard’s rosary AND a pennant from the 1875 football season.”

The Dittmar Gallery, on the other hand, is less concerned about any connections their art collection might draw to Brown’s mystery novel. “Honestly,” said curator Nancy Timmons, “it would just be great if students came here. Even if they were on a drunken quest for the Holy Grail.”

Sorority girls, grandmothers, and Kennedys everywhere are mourning the loss of iconic fashion designer Lilly Pulitzer, who died last week at age 81. The “Queen of Prep” had such a widespread cultural impact that it can be difficult to imagine a world without her.

How else could housewives somewhat justifiably spend $118 on scarves? What would eighth grade girls in Connecticut wear to their middle school graduations? And where would the modern world be without the creation of prints such as “Lazy and Hazy,” “Reef Madness,” and “Spike the Punch?”

Her trademark bright colors are so important because they send a message. It allows people to look “fun” and “casual” but still imply they spent a shit-ton of money doing it. Lilly, as we affectionately call her, just made suburban lives that much easier. All of the true preps can identify each other if the men are in salmon (not coral, because there’s a difference) pants and the women in regurgitated neon flowers.

Forget Vineyard Vines’ whales or Ralph’s polo player; Lilly even made individual prints for major sororities so sorostitutes could compete to be the most sorotastic. Because if you don’t have the wristlet and the iPhone cover, it’s basically like you’re not in a sorority at all. If that doesn’t demonstrate good business sense, what would?

Lilly will leave behind a legacy because she brought out everyone’s inner sorority girl, suburban housewife, or Jackie O. She taught us that looking fabulous while running a juice stand is definitely not overrated, socialites can make money, and that anything can be Lilly-fied, even wine glasses, New York City, or your Jeep, so you can cruise around Martha’s Vineyard in style.

ROME — Italian and international fans alike are buzzing with anticipation for the premier of MTV Italy’s The Real World: Rome.

New housemates Snooki and Chef Boyardee were both eager to start their new adventure. Snooki described it, “Oh my GAWD, like, I am just super ready to get to the house and, like, go to the club, and just get totally wasted and smush some hot Italian gorllas, since baby Lorenzo is with my mom in Poughkeepsie and what Jionni don’t know won’t hurt him, hollaaaa.” This will be Snooki’s first trip to Italy since her completely uncontroversial and definitely arrest-free trip with The Jersey Shore.

Chef Boyardee echoed Polizzi’s enthusiasm, stating his desire to “meet some new friends and a-cook them some a-spicy ravioli.” However, he also expressed some concerns about the higher costs of cooking in Italy, since the EU has all those “a-stupido laws” about horsemeat.

Meanwhile, anonymous staffers have leaked details about some of the show’s inevitable drama. Pope Benedict XVI will reportedly “pull an Angelina” and leave the show midway through episode seven, yelling in Latin, “When you said I would be living in a house with six young people, I imagined something different.”

Rumored to replace Pope Benedict is Italian soccer star, Mario Balotelli, the mohawked A.C. Milan striker. If this is the case, viewers can expect Balotelli to enjoy many nights of drunken debauchery with club owner, media mogul, world champion tax defrauder, and fellow cast-member Silvio Berlusconi. The two-day season premiere on Sunday and Monday promises to be a real nail-biter, as Berlusconi finds out if he gets to reclaim his former job as Prime Minister and Italy’s hardest partying politician when Italians vote on whether to preserve corruption, underage sex, and fascism as national pastimes.

One thing is certain: if the cast lives up to their reputations, audiences everywhere can expect lots of “bunga-bunga” parties and many smush sessions; let’s just hope Berlusconi’s guests are old enough not to ask Chef Boyardee for alphabet soup.

Too busy studying for DTC to understand why RTVF majors have their panties in a bunch (“Depaul and Colombia? Seriously?”) or why Hugh Jackman would even attempt to follow up Catherine Zeta-Jones and Jennifer Hudson? No worries, here’s the Oscars run-down:

1. Even if you are nominated for an Academy Award, even your characters are named something ridiculous like Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi or after a shampoo brand (what up, Pantene), do not decide what to wear three hours before the Oscars. Two tragically misplaced seams ARE JUST TOO DISTRACTING.
2. Seth McFarlane can’t stop being Seth McFarlane. In all honesty, who wasn’t expecting a song about boobs, a John Wilkes Booth shout out, and a racist sock puppet show?
3. Quvenzhané Wallis made puppy purses cool again and all of our second grade school selves rejoiced.
4. George Clooney (aka sexy Santa beard) was like a senior at The Keg drinking to hide the realization he should have stopped coming here two years ago.
5. Apparently, no one cares enough about sound editing to actually count the votes, and when a tie means less time for acceptance speeches, it’s perfectly ok to use the soundtrack of Jaws to kick the winners off stage.
6. If you’re Halle Berry, it’s acceptable to say “pussy” on national television. If you’re Kristen Stewart, it’s probably not acceptable to limp on stage and mumble like a cokehead.
7. Award-winning directors who say “peace out” should receive the Oscar for Cockiest Suburban Dad.
8. Falling after winning Best Actress can make you perfect in every way. Also, Sherman Ave can’t keep it in their pants.
9. Michelle Obama can make absolutely anything about the kids just by wearing sequins and showing up half of Hollywood.
10. When the Academy decides that you’re not cool enough to be nominated for Best Director, just win Best Picture instead.

AGOURA HILLS, CA — In an amazing feat of dramatic explosion after being rejected by the “one true love of [her] life,” a bachelor contestant managed to tear up the entire multi-million dollar hosting mansion, leaving in her wake a mess of cosmetics, champagne flutes, and anti-depressants. Among the debris lay a pile of notebooks, each cover plastered with Lisa Frank stickers, kissy lip prints, and “Live, Laugh, Love” mottos: the diaries of the contestants chronicling their Bachelor experience. The ten women remaining on the competitive dating show were reportedly having a “mild to moderate freak out session” trying to differentiate the diaries.

Desperate, one contestant says of her diary, “It’s more than just a repository for my self-absorbed hysterics. It’s more like my friend, a true confidante. It’s not enough to talk to the camera about my feelings. Plus, it helps me not miss my cat so much.”

After a few minutes of trying to read the entries themselves, the girls called host/therapist Chris Harrison to intervene so as to preserve the privacy of each girl who regularly makes out on national television.

In a strange echo of the bachelor’s own words, Harrison said sorting out this incident is “one of the hardest things he’s had to do.” He reflected, “No really, these diaries are literally indistinguishable.”

According to Harrison and others who read the entries, all of them contained an “eerily identical narrative” describing the discovery of Sean, the bachelor who “has everything [every girl] is looking for in a husband.” Entries that began “open and ready for love,” soon became scattered collections of dramatic emotions, whose inexplicable escalation resembled that of psych-ward patients.

Alternating bouts of bliss, rage, self-assurance, and insecurity added flare to the otherwise mundane accounts of days spent poolside, daydreaming about a man who enjoys working out and leading on a dozen women at once. Common phrases in each unique love journal included “opening up,” “we just click,” “I’m not here to make friends,” “I’m gonna get that rose,” “I found my best friend,” and countless misuses of the word “literally.”

“I’m soooo glad I told him that story about my dog dying when I was six. I could tell he appreciated my vulnerability,” wrote one contestant about a four-minute conversation she had with the bachelor next to a potted plant. “We really got to a deeper level tonight. And I only cried twice!” Similar accounts were found in every journal.

In the end, Harrison distributed the diaries at random, in the format of a rose ceremony in order to keep the girls’ interest. “They’ll never know the difference,” he said.

We all remember the Rugrats, those adventurous wild babes from the 90s. We knew them so well back then, but what have they done since then? The Flipside caught up with them to find out.

Tommy: Tommy continues to be the leader he was back in his youth, and he is now the starting running back and a captain on Cal’s football team. He gets girls like none other and rages harder than anyone. He’s projected as a mid-third round draft pick this year, but he still has a year of eligibility. The rumor is that hear he’s coming back for a fifth year; Berkeley is hella excited!!

Dil: Dil is not much like his older brother, preferring weed to football, though they still are extremely close. He is a huge hipster now, and a junior at Bard College doing more drugs than anyone could ever imagine. A kind kid at heart, he spends all his time high or listening to random bands no one has ever heard of. He’s not worried about life after college right now; he’s just focusing on having fun and living his life, and so far it’s been working out for the boy.

Phil & Lil: The two attend different colleges, but they talk daily, always think the same things, and communicate without words. Lil started experimenting with girls in high school and has since come out as a lesbian. Phil, being the caring brother that he is, doesn’t care at all, and they even go out with each other to clubs sometimes to help each other pick up chicks.

Angelica: Angelica graduated from Harvard (no one knows how she got in…word on the street is that her parents pulled some strings and donated a new athletic center) two years ago and is currently looking for a job. She is still supported by her parents and has a serious coke addiction, but is somehow functioning, and she say she has an interview with a big firm in Chicago next week.

Chuckie: Chuckie finds himself heavily medicated, and he doesn’t leave home much. A bit paranoid in his youth, he was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was 10 years old and spent a fear years in an asylum. He managed to finish high school with the help of the big man on campus, Tommy. He didn’t go to college but continues to keep in contact with the gang.

Kimi: Kimi is at Medical School at UVA, dedicating all her time to helping people with mental disorders. Her main focus is schizophrenia, and she is determined to find a way to bring back the stepbrother she knew and loved.

NEOPIA CENTRAL — Your Kacheek, Lupe, and Quiggle have raided The National Neopian Bank, demanding that the teller, a grumpy green Skeith, hand over ten thousand neopoints to pay for some food. Since you have not fed them in four years, your pets furiously went to Neopian Fresh Foods and purchased three leeks, a pteri kabob, and an apple juice for a total of 3,392 NP.

Having satiated their hunger, your pets, named soccerKacheek1235, HarryPotterLupe-in, and MrQuigglekins, then decided to exact retribution from you, their neglectful owner. They jumped into a sketchy banner ad (which have been added to the website since the last time you logged on, you neglectful prick), and would have used the remnants of the stolen neopoints to purchase and download a Trojan virus, but were disappointed to learn that neopoints are not legal tender on other websites.

Your pets then returned to Neopia and travelled to Faerieland to spin the Wheel of Fortune and finally win the corresponding secret avatar, thinking that the small animated gif would be “fun.”

Your Neopets then came to the same conclusion you did years and years ago, that this website is stupid, and attempted to commit suicide by jumping off the top of Terror Mountain, but couldn’t do it because they’re indestructible pieces of virtual data.

Consequently, your Neopets registered your account for Premium service in order to receive therapy from the Neopian Pound’s resident psychiatrist, a new feature of the website. Your credit card will thus be charged $69.95 a year.

Few children today have not been touched by Gertrude Chandler Warner’s classic book series The Boxcar Children, which captures all the charm and adventure of being a parentless underage destitute living in an abandoned train car. Now, these timeless stories are being updated for a new generation with the release of the series The Boxcar Adults: Just Regular Homeless People.

Penned by nameless ghostwriters, these books attempt to sustain the realism of the original series and preserve its relevance, by describing what would realistically happen in the kids’ lives if they continued to live in a boxcar 15 years later, after the death of their grandfather. The old gang’s surviving members still have a penchant for mystery solving and exploring, but the new plotlines revolve around adult boxcar-dweller problems, like the ones found in The Case of the Missing Dope Spoon, The Great Tooth-Loss Caper, and Should We Eat Our Own Clothes to Survive?

While The Atlantic Monthly has lauded the new series for its “gritty realism” and “no-holds-barred depictions of addiction, crippling poverty, and starvation,” there has been backlash over the potential impact these books will have on both the legacy of the originals and the minds of curious children who want to explore what happens to these beloved characters.

Publishers have fought back against this criticism by claiming that it stays true to what would actually to happen to a group of people who lived in an abandoned boxcar with few survival skills when they became adults. And though they insist that these books are mostly for an older demographic, they claim that children can read the books as cautionary tales, lest they think that if they run away to have a “life of adventure with their friends” there will be toilet paper, food, and protection from the toothless, sunken-faced, squatters in surrounding boxcars that look like they just crawled out of Winter’s Bone and who will sell their hair for meth, waiting for them on the other side.

Whatever the case may be, the new books make for thrilling stories. Although the Boxcar Children may have grown up to be a bunch of average shiftless tetanus-riddled drug-addict hobos, at least they’re still making us smile.