HOLLYWOOD – Kristen Stewart, star of the recently released Breaking Dawn film, has finally displayed some recognizable emotion other than apathy, The Flipside reports.

Known for her unorthodox methods that generally revolve around an inability to portray human traits or emotions, Stewart has always credited her success to the techniques of method acting. Method acting, a practice first developed in New York theatres in the 1930s, involves deeply immersing oneself in the thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the portrayed character.

“I’m like, really good at most vegetables, and I can do furniture,” says Stewart. “However, Bella Swan has always been a challenge. I knew that I’d have some trouble fully portraying the character’s wide emotional range, so I decided to try out a different kind of role in preparation for the epic fourth movie.”

Instead of her usual grueling preparations for Bella, which involve several days in isolation imitating trees, statues, and posters of herself, Stewart decided to immerse herself in the character of “EdwardzchicaXOXO,” creator of renowned Twilight fan site and self-proclaimed “Edward Cullen Groupie.” Along with extensive perusal of the site itself, Stewart met with the fan on several occasions, discussing the tween’s potent feelings for the fictional vampire hunk.

“Most 7th grade girls are obsessed with my co-star, but this chick takes the fucking cake,” remarks Stewart. “After reciting an entire chapter of New Moon word for word, she showed me her Edward shrine. I won’t go into detail about that part for your sake, but let’s just say I was convinced that she is the biggest Twilight fan out there.”

Stewart’s training with EdwardzchicaXOXO was evidently successful, as seen in Breaking Dawn. The actress altered her facial features significantly around 20 minutes into the film, during a scene in which she and Edward Cullen have sexual relations for the first time since the beginning of their frustratingly tense, many-year relationship.

“It was like, so gratifying to see that my work with Edwardzchica paid off,” gushes Stewart, dragging heavily on a cigarette and spray-painting her hair blacker. “Now that I’ve been able to alter my facial expressions, maybe I can move onto changing the intonation and pitch of my voice as well.”

CHICAGO- The citizenry of Chicago was struck with awe today as they read the lyrics to Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” that 16 year old Roland Buchanan had posted on Facebook early this morning. At 8:15 AM, students at Evanston Township High School saw Buchanan typing on his cell phone during a math lesson. “That kid is such a badass,” reported Steven, a classmate of Buchanan’s. “Nobody uses their phones during a lesson. It’s totally against the rules.” According to other sources, Buchanan was “really bored” because the lesson was “like totally suckish.” “When I read the post after class, I was blown away. Roland’s words touched my heart in a way that Edward Cullen’s never could,” stated Sarah, another classmate.

Purveyors and patrons of literature agree that Buchanan’s use of the song lyrics unlocks an aspect of words that hasn’t been seen since the time of Shakespeare. “The depth of these lyrics transcends the literal, and nearly borders upon the metaphorical,” said literary analyst Edith Schulman. “It’s as if Nirvana wrote the song so that Roland could use it to express the hardships of the average young adult in America. He really brings out the true meaning of the words.”

Others have compared Buchanan’s lyrical status to J.D. Salinger’s “Catcher in the Rye”, saying it shares the same degree of teenage angst that Holden Caulfield has at the façades and masks people in society are so often defined by. “It’s like nothing I’ve ever encountered before,” reported Katy Johnson, an English major at Northwestern University. “Until now, I had only ever read things by authors like Faulkner and Blake. These lyrics, nay, this poetry, is so full of raw emotion. It’s so… so pure.”

Johnson’s sentiments are shared by many others in the distinguished literary circles of the Chicagoland area. For his clear creative talent, Buchanan has been called “the voice of his generation” and nominated for the $100,000 Ruth Lilly Poetry Prize from the Poetry Foundation. Barnes and Noble will be hosting a reading of excerpts from Roland Buchanan’s status to help fund the ailing company and spread the joy of literary art throughout the inner city.

EVANSTON – After much anticipation, a new historical documentary entitled “Sup, Brah” directed by esteemed archeologist Dr. Thelonious Unk finally hit theaters last night to the delight of viewers worldwide.

The documentary premiered at Cinemark Century Theaters. This was the first movie to be played there since the great nuclear conflict of 2086. An estimated 1.5 million people attended the premiere to further learn about the once-great civilization of the “Bros”.

The film began with footage from a historical investigation that spanned multiple states on the East Coast. It wasn’t until Dr. Unk started digging in Connecticut that he found evidence that the civilization of bros was more than a myth. Tens of hundreds of feet underground, Dr. Unk’s team found what is believed to be a lacrosse stick. His studies indicate that the totem was essential to everyday life, and may have even been worshipped at an altar.

With more digging, more evidence revealed itself. Over 3 thousand pairs of Sperry topsiders were found in a single digging site. Along with that, many empty and crushed cans of what is believed to be “Natural Light” beer was found. This is said to be the drink of choice amongst bros, and was probably chugged while praying to their ever-important lacrosse sticks.

A few manuscripts were found containing the vernacular used by bros, though they have yet to be completely translated by experts across the world. One phrase that has been deciphered is “slaying bitches,” which most likely meant indulging in the act of sexual intercourse with their fellow bros; evidence suggests that the society was entirely homosexual. The word “chill” has been the most difficult word to find the meaning of due to its constant repetition in every sentence deciphered thus far.

Although there is some evidence that bros lived amongst us many moons ago, many people are still skeptical that they ever existed. One man who watched the documentary, Ted Was, said, “There’s no way they ever existed. No one would have liked them. They would have been wiped out immediately.” Local fashionista Rudy Nills agrees, saying “No way they would have made it around looking like they did. They wore backwards hats all the time, and only wore button-up shirts, or two polos with both collars popped. Do they even make polos anymore?”

Whether they ever existed or not, bros have become the laughing stock of the 22^nd century, as they may have been over 100 years ago. In other news, Dr. Unk has claimed to have found remains he suspects belong to former Congressman Waka Flocka Flame.

LOS ANGELES – Needlessly famous woman Kim Kardashian decided to go all-out this past Halloween.  On October 31, 2011, in an effort to complete her (sexy) gold-digger costume, Kardashian wore black Victoria’s Secret lingerie, a $2 million engagement ring, and filed for divorce from her ridiculously overpaid husband Kris Humphries.

Humphries, a player for the NBA, was utterly shocked.  “She just waltzed right in wearing nothing but lingerie and waved the divorce petition around like it was some sort of sexy role-play.”

Once Humphries realized what was happening, he was “majorly bummed – as if the NBA lockout wasn’t bad enough.”

When asked about her motives for divorce, Kardashian replied that she had “married for love, but this costume was like wayyy too cute and creative to pass up.  Plus, he was annoying me.  He just complained about everything in this really whiny voice and he was, like, always on his phone”.

Despite all the negative press surrounding Kim Kardashian following the split, she is still in surprisingly good spirits, which is plausible considering that she will soon be reaping the benefits of divorcing an incredibly stacked basketball player. She also claims to have a supportive network of family and friends.

Longtime friend Kanye West supports Kardashian and advises her to “get down girl, go ‘head, get down,” perhaps an instruction to hide from the paparazzi.

Kardashian is proud to have fully immersed herself in the character of Gold-Digging Bitch, and she hopes that this performance will finally let the American public see that she has the potential to be a real actress, and therefore, have a reason to be famous.

HAMBURG, Holy Roman Empire – From the far West of Berlin to distant East Amsterdam, the entire world is up in arms over the hellfire hot new band The Flying Buttresses. With a repertoire full of popular ballads like “Hey You, Get off of My Pew,” “Us and Him,” and “I’ve Got 95 Theses but a Byzantine Ain’t One,” The Flying Buttresses are the most successful band in the Empire since The Painted Glass.

The Flying Buttresses have vaulted to the top of the charts thanks to young Bohemians and God. Bill, a blacksmith, is just one fan among the legions of TFB enthusiasts.

“These guys rock harder than my anvil,” quoth Bill. “They’re not afraid to go dark.”

“They’re totally bubonic,” Bill addeth.

The critics are also jumping on the Buttress wagon. Balthasar Hayworker, a serf known for his cast-iron pitchfork and acute taste, raves about such singles as “I Can See for Isles and Isles,” “Pumped Up Knickerbockers,” and “Smells Like the Holy Spirit.” The man on the corner holding a slate agrees.

But not all of the Empire has been converted to following the TFB. Horatio Hamburger, Hamburg’s eldest councilman, complained that The Flying Buttresses are just a bunch of rabblerousers.

“Kids these days,” quippeth Hamburger, 34.

Rumored titles on their next album include “Gaining My Religion,” “I’m Too Vaulted for My Ceiling,” “I’ll Meet You in the Vestibule (It’s Going Down),” and “Oh My God”

Time Travel Gaming in Nintendo’s Future

REDMOND, WA – CERN’s highest-paying investor, Nintendo CEO Satoru Iwata, is hoping to harness the newly discovered power of the neutrino for the chance to realize his latest dream: the 4DS.

This not-so-hush-hush project arrives on the coattails of a declining interest in Nintendo’s last handheld console, the 3DS. In the face of plummeting sales, Nintendo decided the fourth dimension–time–was their best bet.

An American focus group, comprised mostly of 13 to 21 year old men deeply interested in Doritos, noted a “severe lack of ‘D’” as one of the reasons they wouldn’t be spending their Xbox Live money on the latest handheld device.

An anonymous member of the focus group told market researchers that he “want[ed] to be able to grope Princess Peach, not just look at her in a third dimension.”

A company representative stated that while the company has no plans for virtual reality gaming, they are looking to make it possible for 4DS users to create time paradoxes to their heart’s content.

Nintendo has also made it clear that it cannot guarantee that the system will be completely safe, or that players will be restricted from killing – and then becoming – their own grandfathers.

No matter the implications, the 4DS looks to be several quantum levels above the competition as far as time-travel gaming is concerned. Sony has yet to release the results of reported attempts to create a fully functional TARDIS, while Microsoft is still negotiating with Libyan nationalists for enough plutonium to fuel their flux capacitors.

CHICAGO – Groupon has scheduled a screening of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off at Wrigley Field on the first Saturday of October for the next 100 years.

“It became readily apparent over the past few years that the Cubs will never have use for Wrigley Field in October,” Andrew Mason, CEO of Groupon, stated in a press conference. “They are just an incredibly shitty baseball team.”

The Cubs have not had a winning record in three seasons. Despite boasting impressive household names like star-crossed shortstop Starlin Castro and “mild-mannered” ace Carlos Zambrano, Chicago ended its season without making the playoffs.

“We’re looking for winners,” manager Mike Quade said after the San Diego Padres’ 9-2 victory over the Cubs to end the season. “We’re exploring all options to fill our roster. We will be actively looking for new starters at every position, and our recruiting process will begin with the crowd at the Ferris Bueller screening.”

No prior experience is necessary. Potential players interested in trying out, however, are encouraged to be able to recognize when the game is going on, swing and miss in clutch situations, and take out any aggression on future teammates.

“I think Ferris would be a great fit for the team,” self-proclaimed film “critic” and “Cubs fanatic” Armond Grossman proclaimed. “His sprint home at the end of the film? He’ll be good for 80, 90 stolen bases, easy.”

In other news, Red Sox fans tried to justify their marginal relevance to the baseball world by screening Fever Pitch at Fenway Park.

EVANSTON – Having failed to find a suitable replacement in time, Mayfest organizers have been forced to indefinitely postpone all 2011 Dillo Day events following the sudden, unexpected disappearance of headliner B.o.B. Following a press release from B.oB’s manager, it has become clear that the popular rapper was one of the approximately 200 million Christians lucky enough to be welcomed into the radiant embrace of the Lord Almighty, an outspoken fan of B.o.B’s breakthrough hit, “Airplanes.”

“Although we apologize for the inconvenience to Northwestern University,” Adrian Levy, President of Grand Hustle Records read in a prepared statement, “we hope that you will join us in wishing B.o.B all the best in his future endeavors. This is quite the career move.”

Students reacted to the news with varied degrees of disappointment and downright agony, their heathen souls already plagued by the forces of Satan prior to their destruction and eternal damnation.

“It’s torture! It’s inhumane!” shrieked sophomore Jackie Thomas. “Satan told [Battle of the Bands winner] whysowhite that they could play a double-set! Oh, God, my ears!”

Others expressed anger at rumors that B.o.B’s ascension into Paradise came at the expense of another, more deserving human who had to be left behind. To find the answers to their questions, the ascetics turned to Jesus.

Jesus, who has been personally overseeing the destruction of Earth, could be found sitting in Norbucks.

“Why must Liu Xiaobo languish in a cell while B.o.B frolics in a land of everlasting peace and joy?” local atheist Alex Mercer asked between debilitating stints in an iron maiden.

“Look,” Jesus replied coolly, “my dad’s been working almost 6000 years without a break. If he wants a private performance of “Nothin’ On You” for the rest of eternity, well, I think he’s earned some time off.”

EVANSTON – Anticipation turned to confused embarrassment when the sisters of the Delta Delta Delta Delta sorority realized that the ‘royals’ they had invited to their “Royal Wedding-Watch Party OMG!!!!!” event were, in fact, the Kansas City Royals, the major league baseball team.

“I was like, sooo excited when I heard we were watching the royal wedding at the house,” said Quad Delt sister Becca Silverstein, “cuz my boyfriend is from Kansas City and he’s always talking about the royals there and how great they are. I couldn’t figure out why they lived in Kansas instead of, you know, England or wherever, but I just knew that we had to invite them.”

Much to the surprise of all involved, the starting line-up of the Kansas City Royals arrived at the Quad Delt house on Friday evening. “We couldn’t understand why a bunch of sorority girls wanted us to come visit them,” explained starting pitcher Jeff Francis, “or why the girl who called our manager kept calling him ‘Your Highness,’ but it’s not like we have anything better to do. We’re playing the Twins on Friday, so hanging out at a sorority sounded a lot more productive. I might try to catch a Cubs game while I’m here.”

Mercifully, the confusion did not last long, as Quad Delta house mother Martha Jibkowski quickly determined that the baseball team’s presence was a flagrant violation of house rules.

This snafu comes in the wake of Quad Delt’s disastrous all-white charity performance of The Wiz for the NAACP board of directors.