HOLLYWOOD, CA — The producers of Jurassic Park 4 announced last week that the upcoming film is being indefinitely delayed until cloning technology makes “several large breakthroughs.”

Patrick Crowley, one of the two producers, said, “This film is going to be groundbreaking. We’re going to use real dinosaurs, no more of that crummy CG-stuff audiences can so easily tell is fake. After only measurable success with the first films in the franchise, we knew we wanted to take 4 to the next level. We just need to wait for technology to catch up with our vision.”

Crowley’s co-producer Frank Marshall explained what went wrong, causing the delays. “The real dinosaurs idea is phenomenal, but it’s been tough to get around the staggering lack of dinosaurs on this planet. We tried cloning a dinosaur, combining crocodile DNA with some DNA we extracted from blood trapped in a mosquito preserved in a piece of amber, but that didn’t work. The dinosaurs were too vicious and agile and escaped from their cages and ate two of the cameramen.”

Marshall continued, “We decided to wait until cloning technology was good enough that we could combine our dinosaur DNA with a friendly bunny rabbit. Right now our best velociraptor has a little bunny tail and two floppy bunny ears. It’s super cuddly and nice and loves snuggling. It’s absolutely ridiculous, completely unusable. We had to have it shot. We need the ferocious look and the friendly personality. Cloning technology just isn’t there yet.”

Crowley added, “Worst case scenario is that we’ll just release the footage of our first velociraptors eating our cameramen.”

Crowley said he is sure Jurassic Park 4 won’t fall into the same trap the 2009 film Avatar did. Avatar was delayed 15 years so that technology could create James Cameron’s dream for the film, which had “very pretty visuals, but no compelling storyline whatsoever.”

“There’s no way our gory, action-packed, many-year-delayed, multimillion dollar sequel-to-a-sequel-to-a-sequel will lack a story worth telling.”

MIAMI, FL — Failing to learn from the example of Kiera Wilmot in Bartow, FL, a Miami student, 16-year-old Gabriella Silva, arrived at Vargas High School this past Tuesday with a water bottle filled with a mixture of household cleaning products, capped with aluminum foil. A reaction between the chemicals in the cleaners and the aluminum foil produced hydrogen gas and a resulting pressure build-up inside of the bottle. Eventually the top popped off in a firecracker-like explosion with a loud sound and smoke. When this occurred, even though no students were hurt, Silva was immediately apprehended by school security and promptly turned over to the police to be handcuffed and charged with a felony.

The police were frustrated at first when they couldn’t find the honors student with no previous criminal record in their system, but they then discovered the true reason why there were no records for the student: Silva was an illegal immigrant.

“I can’t believe I let my daughter speak to her, let alone hang out with her,” said Sally Smith, the mother of one of Silva’s best friends.

Officers said that, after making their discovery, they turned her over to Customs and Border Protection, an organization within the Department of Homeland Security. The officer in charge declined to comment, but The Flipside was able to attain an off-the-record statement from another member of the department:

“It’s real good that we caught this when we did,” the source said, adding, “you know how it spreads once they turn into adults – Mexicans have so many babies.”

Silva is of Chilean descent.

After deporting Silva, though, authorities realized that they never ended up making her serve time for the felony charge of blowing the cap off of a water bottle. This supposed “injustice,” according to Vargas High School Principal Mary McClean, was remedied right away when the police travelled to Chile to bring Silva back with them.

A second unnamed source, who was a part of the force sent to arrest Silva, was “relieved that we could make her serve time in the country she committed her crime in,” because letting her live out her days in a country she left when she was two-years-old was “too easy.”

It currently costs $19,469 per year to incarcerate an inmate in Florida.

Oh, wait, this was totally satire. Our mistake.

EVANSTON — Mayfest, the student organization responsible for bringing performers to Northwestern’s annual music festival, Dillo Day, has officially announced the complete lineup for the June 1, 2013 festival after it was accidentally leaked by a member of its executive board. Carly Rae Jepsen will be the 2013 headliner. The full lineup is printed below:

Smash Mouth – With their performance in Evanston leaked months ago on their Facebook page, Smash Mouth will play first. Theater majors are especially excited to be reassured that they are “all stars.”

Hanson – Hanson, whom we all enjoyed when we were ten, will perform second with songs like “MMMBop.” They’ll also almost definitely swish their hair, which may or may not be gross at age thirty.

Ludacris – “It was so convenient to ask him to stick around in Chicago after A&O Ball,” said Mayfest of the decision to contract with Ludacris, who is reportedly looking for a “couch to crash on” in the Chicago area. Northwestern’s fraternities have already announced plans to host a philanthropic penny war in which the winning frat will get to host Ludacris until the concert.

Kid Cudi – Recalling his fantastic performance in Welsh-Ryan Arena in 2010, which was only slightly overshadowed by Snoop Dogg, the Mayfest executive board said they are “excited to have a rapper of this caliber joining us on Dillo Day.”

Carly Rae Jepsen – The creator of the hit single “Call Me Maybe,” the announcement of Jepsen as the headliner has many thrilled many Northwestern students. “This will be the best Dillo Day ever since they banned high school students from coming,” said an excited Allison Jones, Medill senior.

Weinberg Junior Mary Blitzer commented on the Mayfest leak, “This lineup is so much better than last year’s. I was afraid Mayfest would wait until the last minute to announce the lineup, and that the headliner would be even worse than Steve Aoki.”

The Daily Northwestern and Mayfest have each confirmed this lineup.