Posted on December 06, 2013.
As a freshman, I’ve seen a season of Northwestern football in person. That’s all I need to know that we need to make some dramatic changes. Now, I’m not some sort of insider good-old-boys-club businessman who wants to keep with the status quo. Hell no. We need change. We need creativity. We need the terror of revelation.
Northwestern has the potential to be an amazing football program on par with Ohio State, or at least with Michigan. We have a good location; we have great coaching talent; we have good academics to sell to recruits. I truly believe that we can make Northwestern the pride of the Big Ten if we want. It’s only our apathy that condemns Northwestern to be the Vanderbilt of the Big Ten. Over the coming four weeks, I will explain how we can and will fix Northwestern football in four easy steps: revamping Ryan Field, refreshing our relationships with other teams, rethinking our approach to player and coach recruitment, and reconsidering our approach to game attendance.
This week, I’ll be looking at Ryan Field and how fixing it must be a priority if we want to be a serious football program.
To begin, Ryan Field’s location doesn’t make a lick of sense. What the hell, guys!?! We say we’re Chicago’s Big Ten team, and then we put our games in fucking Evanston. Huh? Who from Chicago is going to go up to Evanston to watch a football team lose? It’s hard enough for me to convince UChicago coeds to come up north for booty calls, much less convince Chicagoans to come up to watch a football team lose a game when they can hang out at the Field Museum and look at Sue the T-Rex. Have you seen her? Beautiful.
Tear down Ryan field and move it to Chicago. Build up something nice and fancy, all modern-like. I’m talking about leather chairs that can lean back to near-complete flatness. I’m talking about an excellent sound system and great acoustics, for reasons I’ll cover in future sections. I’m talking about strobe lighting capabilities. Let’s give it a secret tunnel to the Sears Tower, and a separate tunnel to the Willis Tower, wherever that is. Let’s take advantage of the Chi. Let’s just go nuts with it. I want Chicagoans to think of two things when they think of Ryan Field: convenience and luxury. Hell yes. We can afford it. We have a $7 billion endowment. Go Wildcats. Name it after William Jennings Bryan.
Posted in Featured, No. 125, Opinion
Posted on November 19, 2013.
By My Angry Feminist Roommate
UGH. I believe I can speak for the women’s center, Northwestern feminists, NU College Democrats (they hate oppression), NUSpoon (crumbs!) and Helicon literary magazine (whatever, I hear they’re progressive) when I say that No Shave November is the WORST. Follicular privilege is a PROBLEM on this campus and it is high time we engaged in civil discourse and discussed the issue. In just outright forgoing a basic tenet of human hygiene, bearded men assert their dominance over both women and men who have a harder time growing facial hair, and it isn’t OKAY. Like, I CAN’T grow a beard, and when I walk down Sheridan, my hairless, female face literally being ASSAULTED by gale force winds, it’s both oppressive and marginalizing to see these fur-faced misogynists gloating in their superiority and facial warmth.
It’s as if they don’t understand that follicle-rooted oppression is CENTURIES old. My google image search studies suggest that Cortez definitely had a beard and I’m willing to bet Columbus did too by the time the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria hit shore, and I’m SURE they used their whiskers to justify their disregard for clean-shaven indigenous peoples. And John Smith? ABSOLUTELY used his wooly British beard to woo Pocohontas. And JUST LAST WEEK some bearded masochist just TOOK the last normal-sized, non-lefty desk in my gender studies class on the third floor of Kresge. Like how could he just ASSUME that I’d be okay with the MINIATURE desk in front of him? THERE WASN’T ENOUGH ROOM FOR MY LATTÉ AND I HAD TO KEEP IT ON THE FLOOR. It was awful.
I just can’t sit here and eat my kale-flavored skyr while every day the men of Northwestern wake up and make a decision in between the time they brush their teeth and wash their face that oppresses entire sectors of our student body. Their follicular privilege literally BLINDS them to the struggles and sojourns of the silent, beardless majority, who they inadvertently oppress on a daily basis. Like why can’t I thoughtfully stroke my chin with the same sense of gravity as my bearded counterparts in “Philosophy 101: Transcendentalist Traditions in Existentialism”? WHY? Until the Northwestern community can unite behind a movement for follicular equality, the hair gap is only going to keep widening, and ilovetofuandmenarepigs.com is taking a stand.
DISCLAIMER: Ryan Gosling’s beard is fine where it is and is in no way oppressive or marginalizing to the feminist community at large.
Posted in Featured, No. 124, Opinion
Posted on November 11, 2013.
EVANSTON — After careful thought and consideration, the administration of Northwestern University has decided to change the university’s athletics teams from the “Northwestern Wildcats” to the “Northwestern Investment Bankers.”
Jim Phillips, Vice President for Athletics and Recreation, commented, “There are many universities whose teams’ names fully encapsulate everything their students aspire to be—the Cornhuskers of Nebraska, the Volunteers of Tennessee, and the dumb-as-nuts Buckeyes of The Ohio State University. The name ‘Wildcats’ is just too detached from our students’ interests. We feel that the ‘Investment Bankers’ will be a well-received replacement for the ‘Wildcats.’”
Weinberg freshman, Alan Frunkle, was pleased by the change. “I think this is a great decision. It’s no secret that Northwestern lacks a certain enthusiasm for its sports teams that so many other Big Ten schools have. Just look at Maryland. So much pride. The switch to the ‘Northwestern Investment Bankers’ is just the spark that we students need. I’m sure students will now flock to sporting events by the dozens.”
Since the official announcement, there has been speculation about what will happen to Northwestern’s mascot, Willie the Wildcat. “We wanted a mascot that would really strike fear into our opponents,” Phillips clarified. “The new mascot will be Wilfred Wilmington of BMO Harris Bank.”
Willie the Wildcat, now unemployed, can be seen walking up and down Sheridan Road with a sign that reads, “Will growl for food.”
Posted in Featured, Local, No. 122