“Trump kept pushing his hands together, attempting to push two imaginary landmasses across an ethereal demilitarized zone; his face reportedly became increasingly purple as well.”
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“The class begins with the abstract: what a relationship is and why someone would want one. Later on we get into the nitty gritty details, like how to hold hands and the science of maintaining eye contact.”
“They usually stock all the chips on the other side of the store, but for some reason these Tampax chips are over here with all the cough medicine.”
“I just know that one day, after my 9 a.m. class, someone will be waiting for me outside Kresge. They’ll see my mint green tandem bicycle and the two helmets I always keep in the front basket. They’ll look at me, and ask with a smile, gesturing toward my humble set of wheels, ‘This seat taken?’”
“We always look for ways to offer students the best studying experience, and we hope this new initiative will allow students to get some work done with friends in a casual setting,” said Head Librarian Donna Peters.
The city has been slow to act against the gang; Mayor Hagerty, when told of these demands, responded, “Huh?”
Rather than having to put in user details, the app uses the camera to do a facial scan and delivers a verdict of “Honey, No, Come on.”
If you’ve already started playing your favorite holiday playlist on Spotify you need to back the fuck up.
“When Stephen Colbert walks into one of our dining halls, he needs the assurance that every single one of the $66,000 he pays to his son’s tuition is put to good use.”
Although he had never mentioned a relationship, May continued, “he’d give me signs. Like once he sent me two messages in a row.”