EVANSTON – Northwestern English professor Shelby Anderson debuted a joint policy between the NU English Department and the Evanston Police Department last Thursday. Students who turn in essays they clearly wrote while intoxicated must now analyze their paper’s diction, syntax, structure, and tone in the context of their drinking.

The first person to be affected by the policy is Weinberg sophomore Daniel O’Connor, the author of a “totally incoherent” paper on the short story “Araby” from James Joyce’s Dubliners.

Anderson reportedly held O’Connor’s paper out at arms’ length and addressed the boy in front of a puzzled and amused class: “Distance yourself from authorship of this as far as possible. Let it go. This paper was now written by not you. By some other creature, perhaps not of this earth. The author’s gender is now neutral. You will refer to it in the third person, simply as… ‘O’Connor.’”

Alone on his musty bed, O’Connor concentrated on an empty beer mug, imagining a warm golden ale filling it to the brim. Eventually, this mental conjuring warmed his body, and he was able to comprehend a full 47% of his assignment.

He then belched very loudly and experienced a vivid flash of the true nature of his life: a cruelly repetitive series of slaps in the face. He seethed at the thought of next week being the same as the last: the alcohol no better, the people no warmer, the women no more attainable. And he saw himself as a pouchy-cheeked man-child, standing alone on a barren hilltop.

Shaking, he faced the blank word processing document. He refused to roll over and give up. Dammit, he had written fifteen college application essays. Moreover, nine or ten of them had been about alcohol. He knew he could pull this off.

O’Connor toiled all night, eventually producing a five-page response analysis. Some excerpts are included below:

—At this point in the paper, Grey Goose takes control of the keyboard, referring to the lovesick protagonist’s imagination as a ‘cabana,’ and giving the unfortunate impression that O’Connor couldn’t give half a shit.

—O’Connor expertly employs a host of misfiring synapses in this rambling discourse
on Irish paralysis. Specifically, massive alliteration of ‘s’ and an abrupt shift in tone halfway through to what feels like pleading convey a muddled sense of the protagonist’s disillusionment with the tawdry bazaar, while providing a surprisingly accurate account of O’Connor’s own Saturday night.

Upon reading the paper, Professor Anderson called it “insightful, in a harrowing, go-puke-your-guts-out-in-a-toilet kind of way.” He paused to reflect, before adding, “While he may not be the next Joyce, I think the boy’s come a long way in addressing his literary problems from an alcoholic perspective – something every great [BURP] um, scholar, must do.”

EVANSTON – Two prospective students and their helicopter parents died Tuesday during a tour of Northwestern. The tragedy occurred after Mrs. Maddie Lees, 46, and Ms. Rebecca Schlessinger, 48, started asking a series of questions about standardized test scores that spun out of control.

Mrs. Lees started to lose control when she learned that SAT IIs were recommended, but not required, even though she personally paid for a private US History tutor and do you know how much those cost.

The tour guide, George Smiley, tried to diffuse the situation by talking about the history of Kresge.

“I was getting pretty nervous when they started hovering over me and even walking in front of me,” said Smiley. “I mean, I’m used to having parents ask all the questions in a tour and telling their kids to shut up, but this was something else.”

“I can’t wait to turn this story into an endearing anecdote,” Smiley added.

Mrs. Schlessinger, seeing an opportunity to befriend the tour guide and therefore guarantee admission for her daughter, told the guide he this was the best tour she had ever been on. She went on to say what a great SAT II policy Northwestern has.

In response, Mrs. Lees swung out her purse and pulled out information brochures from other schools, pointing at their SAT II policy. Seeing the prestige of the schools on the information brochures, Mrs. Schlessinger whipped out her purse and pulled out her copies. The two purses became tangled and mothers veered off course, crashing into the Lakefill.

Their children, Zack Lees and Lauren Schlessinger, were taken down with them.

“It’s a real tragedy,” Northwestern admissions officer Rita Conroy said. “Those kids could have lowered our admission rate.”

EVANSTON – Sex Week is not going as smoothly as organizers would have hoped due to an unforeseen lube shortage. The drought has the College Feminists, the group behind Sex Week, scrambling to whet the appetite of an increasingly chafed and throbbing crowd.

According to event patron Tyler Carter, “Everything was going just swimmingly until the pool of KY Jelly suddenly ran empty. But now my energy is gone and I just can’t keep my enthusiasm up for the speaker coming on stage later.”

Carter is not the only agitated and irritated member in the audience. Fellow patron Willy James adds, “This just rubs me the wrong way. Why don’t they have enough lube? They knew Sex Week was coming for multiple weeks now. They should understand that in order to sustain excitement at peak levels that facilitation of some kind is required.”

Unfortunately the Sex Week committee seems impotent and unable to perform under the rising pressure. The situation is so dire, it seems that there is no way they will be able to wrestle themselves out of this pickle.

Committee member Sarah Johnson lamented, “Lube levels have hit their lowest since NASA stole all of the Astroglide back in 1999. But NASA had a decent excuse for the theft then. They said it would help the rockets penetrate through the tougher layers of atmosphere.”

For a temporary stop gap measure, Sex Week has resorted to covertly supplying alcohol due to its propensity as a social lubricant. Johnson noted, “We hate to do anything rash, but due to the blistering pace of Sex Week we have no choice.” However, she was quick to add, “If we don’t find a permanent solution to this problem, there will be another outbreak and it just will pop up again.”

UPDATE: Reports indicate that the lube shortage has been solved due to a cash infusion from a generous donor. This much-needed aid has left everyone gushing with joy and enabled Sex Week to finish on a high note.

EVANSTON – Northwestern University Facilities Management announced today that the scheduled burn at the lakefill lagoon successfully burned off 14 species of invasive plants and approximately 700 Northwestern Athletics t-shirts that in hindsight should never have been made.

“These controlled burnings help the ecology of the green spaces on campus,” said Ron Nayler, Associate Vice President for Facilities Management.

“They also give us an opportunity to get rid of some of these ridiculous t-shirts. Like this one right here,” said Nayler, throwing a purple t-shirt reading “ALL WE DO IS WIN” onto the blaze.

Nayler notes that these burnings help not only the ecosystem, but the deep sense of shame many Wildcats feel. “These kids get way too excited over that one unexpected win over some school like Nebraska and then make a ridiculous shirt that you can’t wear anywhere without feeling self-conscious. Burning these shirts allow students to come to an understanding with the hubris of the shirts.”

Twenty upperclassmen who were recently unfriended by head football coach Pat Fitzgerald showed up to burn their “FITZ IS MY FACEBOOK FRIEND” shirts. Also included in the burnings were shrubs of butterfly bush, wintercreeper and lilyturf, “Chicago’s Big Ten Team” basketball shirts, Mirkovic authentic jerseys, a witch who actually turned out to be a theatre major, the limited-release “Demos is a Greek god” shirts and a collection of Coach Carmody’s Christmas ties.

EVANSTON, IL – The Office of Undergraduate Admissions was excited to report Tuesday that the Class of 2016, whose newest members were notified of their admission the preceding weekend, will be the university’s most diverse in over 25 years. When asked to elaborate on the precise nature of this notably vague “diversity” which characterizes the incoming freshmen, Vice-President of University Relations Alan K. Cubbage explained that this year the Admissions Committee opted for a new approach in the application evaluation process in an effort to promote what he calls “academic biodiversity.”

“You know,” Cubbage told Flipside, “every year we accept all these a nerdy straight-A types and then they come and complain about how hard it is to do well with the curve. So this year, we thought, hey, after that whole Supreme Court affirmative action thing we should probably steer clear of too much ethnic diversity or whatever, so why don’t we try to get more kids that are average or slightly below to even out the nerd-distribution.”

Following the brutal mauling of three Pre-Meds by 4.0-seeking classmates during the Fall Quarter Chem 101 final, Cubbage says that the Administration realized that Northwestern currently suffers from an overpopulation of predators. A more desirable ecosystem, he suggests, would bring an entire spectrum of trophic levels to the Evanston tundra and establish a biologically diverse academic food chain. The new curve-breaking predators of the Class of 2016 will feast on lower-level autotrophs such as such as “try-hards,” diligent workers who lack the intelligence of dominant species, similar in nature to the North American Carpenter Ant.

Lower-level heterotrophs will include “moochers,” who likely have reasonable academic abilities but are too lazy to do work on their own, and instead scavenge on the efforts of “try-hards,” or in the case of more attractive moochers, curve-breakers who are single and/or desperate. To identify future moochers in the applicant pool, the admissions committee looked for key words in recommendation letters like, “fails to live up to full potential,” and “lack of motivation.” Further down the hypothetical chain are “snoozers,” sloth-like creatures who struggle to remain awake through introductory economic lectures, and the ever-elusive “gamers,” rarely spotted at classes during the day due to the absurd amount of time they spend playing StarCraft.

Cubbage revealed, though, that the issue of establishing decomposers in the new NU ecosystem still remains. To fill this role while maintaining admissions standards, the University is considering requiring Comm students to take several actual classes before graduation, though conservationists argue that the placement of such a vulnerable species in a predatory environment would likely result in extinction.

EVANSTON – The online quiz site Sporcle.com released its weekly college rankings Monday, and Northwestern University was for the first time in the Top 10.

“While the number 10 is really not much different than, say, 12 or 13,” explained Northwestern President Morty Schapiro in an email to students sent at 2:00 AM, “it represents a symbolic victory in our decimal-based society. Let us celebrate our recognition as a top-tier school, where our students are able to name the US presidents, type the numbers 1-100, and identify the countries of Europe.”

Weinberg sophomore Alex Chen, a self-described Sporcle-addict, was quick to taunt some of Northwestern’s fierce competition in the rankings. “Screw you Georgia! We showed you what’s what! And watch out Vanderbilt, we’re coming for ya. GO ‘CATS!”

While the Sporcle rankings are recalculated weekly, with schools often moving from a lofty place in the top five to being unranked at all in less than a month, the Northwestern community has not hesitated to revel in its accomplishment.

Mayor Tisdahl cited Northwestern’s success in the rankings as one of the reasons for allowing the Keg to reopen. “Our city’s university has demonstrated success in these national, competitive mentally stimulating diversions. This could only have been possible if our students were responsible and hard-working. I decided that this meant our community was mature enough to handle beloved sources of debauchery like the Keg.”

In order to facilitate continued success in the Sporcle rankings, Norris will be offering a mini-course designed to help students achieve on the website. Lessons include “The Basics of Anatomy: Three Letter Body Parts” and “The 200 Most Mentioned Harry Potter Characters: Mnemonics are Fun!”

EVANSTON – A SafeRide driver was recently arrested for delivering alcohol to a minor. According to court documents, the minor in question placed a call to SafeRide at 9:30 PM, and a driver was dispatched approximately 50 minutes later with spirits in hand. According to university officials, such wait times are not uncommon for students using school resources to get wasted.

“SafeRide drivers may take hours to accomplish minutes’ worth of tasks,” Northwestern spokesman Al Cubbage explained, “but when you’re stranded on Noyes in dire need of a drink, SafeRide will always be there for you.”

Cubbage then made further headlines with the announcement of SafeRide Lite, a new fleet of cars dedicated to reliably delivering alcohol to patient students. Representatives of The Flipside were invited for ride-alongs to see the new drivers in action. I had only been in the car for about a minute when the driver received his first order.

“Got a female student for you at Simpson and Maple,” the radio operator issued. “She called an hour ago, but then I started playing Solitaire.”

“Vodka or rum?” the driver asked as he rifled through a fully-stocked cooler in the backseat. He seemed shocked to hear that she only wanted a ride back home.

“I’m a very ‘scenic’ driver,” the driver spoke as we leisurely ambled towards his destination. “I like to show riders the best Evanston has to offer while they’re puking in my car. If I fall slightly behind schedule, I think it’s a small price to pay.”

The street corner came into view.

“Aw, shit, she’s already been mugged.”

In other news, a Shepard Hall CA has been arrested for selling Adderall to his residents, but only to those who agreed to attend a “super-fun” fireside on body image awareness.

EVANSTON – A local Evanston middle school has issued its response to Northwestern’s Dance Marathon. With the fundraiser right around the corner, the school board has decided to organize a Stand-Awkwardly-In-The-Corner Marathon to benefit the B+ Foundation.

This esteemed charity, chosen by the local PTA, helps fund childhood cancer research, a cause the middle schoolers described as “ugh, whatever, mom.” Students were asked to raise money for the charity but fundraising efforts were minimal as the participants prepared for the event by sitting lazily on the couch while playing Halo and rolling their eyes whenever their parents walked in.

The marathon will have 10 blocks, each of which will highlight a different manner of avoid social contact within a large school gym. The first block, known as the “dude, this sucks” block, will involve awkward wallflowers scoffing at the event and sneering. During block 4, the fruit punch block, students will be required to spoon out at least one cup of fruit punch from a communal bowl while simultaneously avoiding interaction with all other groups at the table. The awkward-corner-stander who makes the least amount of eye contact will win a Stand-Awkward-In-The-Corner Marathon tote bag. The event will finish with block 10, the “man, Rebecca Holliday has such nice tits” block, where the girls will all dance with each other in the center of the stage while the boys look sullen on the sidelines and figure out creative ways to hide their boners.

In response to this event, a local elementary school will have a “K-thru-4 Bouncy Castle Marathon.” High attendance is expected.

• The library
• Dave and Busters
• Wash. U.
• Founding a pessimism club
• Swimming in the ice rink
• Lodge
• Crepe Bistro happy hour

EVANSTON – Following last week’s announcement that popular fraternity Chi Psi (“Lodge”) has been indefinitely shut down, many alumni have begun filling out asylum applications to third-world countries in a pre-emptive move to avoid prosecution.

“They didn’t even tell us what we did,” one brother noted, referring to a vague letter published by the fraternity’s national council, “so it’s got to be really fucking bad. I don’t think we killed anyone, but my January’s a bit of blur.”

Reportedly, the refugees have so far been welcomed with open arms in Mogadishu, where many former brothers have already begun accepting bids from a litany of factions.

“With their shadowy, enigmatic rituals, as well as their pervasive degradation of women, I really felt at home in the al-Shabaab house,” Christopher Grant III reported by satellite. “Still, it’s not an easy decision. The Salafists have a wicked beer-pong table in the basement.”

When asked why they were willing to uproot and move to a new country for the final years of their education, most Lodge alumni cited a core experience not un-similar to what Northwestern’s Interfraternity Council council delivers.

“The fraternity experience is about brotherhood, leadership, and community, yes?” Militant leader Ayman al-Zawahiri explained. “We have this! Our men are blood-brothers, the undisputed leaders of their towns, and constantly engage with their community!” A blast rocked the frame of Zawahiri’s camera. “You see? They engage the community now!”

“Admittedly, this isn’t where I saw myself ending up,” Grant disclosed, his face lightly caked with dirt and blood. “Still, Northwestern only gave me two housing options, and this sure as hell beats living in Plex.”