NASHVILLE, TN — NRA Executive Vice President/Walking Effigy Wayne LaPierre took to the stage today to thoroughly denounce the recent spate of “3D-printed” guns as irresponsible, deadly, and a major unchecked threat to the security of his end of year bonus.

Speaking to a rapt, ravenous audience of gun owners who seemingly didn’t have anywhere else to be on a Monday afternoon, LaPierre framed the plastic, largely-untraceable devices (which could become increasingly problematic as the price of 3D printers drop) as a violation of the NRA’s First Amendment rights:

“Citizens United established the right to corporate ‘money for free speech,’ and these new… Socialist, free guns could cut off the entire money supply to the protectors of your Second Amendment rights, from Smith & Wesson to Beretta! No money means no lobbying, and that is an unacceptable trampling of our First Amendment right to Free Speech! The Obama administration is at it again!” The audience erupted into a staggering chorus of hisses and boos.

“I don’t know about you,” LaPierre stated rhetorically, stepping away from his podium to be closer to his audience, “but if Obama thinks I’m going to give up the rights our forefathers sacrificed so much for, all the way back in 2010, he’s got another thing coming! Now, who’s with me?!?” Like steam bursting through a vent, the sheer magnitude of applause the final comment elicited forced several reporters in attendance to stagger backwards.

Although he successfully convinced the most enthusiastic members of his fan base that giving thousands of dollars to the NRA and and its sponsors was the only way to prevent Hitler’s return, LaPierre did face challenges from outside commentators who saw the free-to-download blueprints as the ultimate culmination of their belief in the Second Amendment.

“I SWEAR TO GOD,” LaPierre later bellowed in response to his critics, “if my salary with bonuses this year is less than 2.4 mil, I will SINGLE-HANDEDLY ensure gun control passes.”

WASHINGTON — Congress acted quickly following the explosions that claimed three lives and injured many more at the Boston Marathon, resolving that the only way to fight against a bomb threat is for every person to have a bomb themselves. The bill that passed into law easily through both the Senate and the House legalized the possession of bombs by any American citizen over the age of 18.

“Bombs don’t kill people, people kill people,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “We need to defend against these terrorists by giving them their own medicine. This bill will increase the overall safety of any American household, and now I—I mean the American people—don’t have to worry about those unnecessarily tedious background checks.”

NRA Executive Vice President Wayne Lapierre released a statement that read, “This is another step in the right direction for the American people.  I will not rest, however, until there is a bomb in every household, school, daycare center, retirement home, jail, and mental rehabilitation center.”

The American people have responded with mixed reviews to the recent legislation, as 5% of them are in favor, 32% oppose, and the other 63% have just given up.

Each week, The Flipside reports the highlights from the week’s proceedings of the Supreme Court of the United States.

WASHINGTON — On Wednesday, the Supreme Court heard arguments on Maryland v. King. The State of Maryland argued that since the Declaration of Independence was written, King has lost its ability to govern the state of Maryland, citing several precedents from international law in support of its sovereignty. Advocates of King counter-claimed that Maryland has clearly violated the legal covenant of “put your name on what is yours,” thus invalidating its claim. Justice Alito appeared in favor of King, quietly muttering that Maryland “isn’t worth statehood.” Justice Thomas, whose home state of Georgia might be considered under similar jurisdiction as Maryland, seemed perturbed by the argument. Thomas refused to speak.

On Thursday, the court heard arguments for Shelby County v. Holder. The case asked whether sections of the Voting Rights Act are still constitutional, considering that a black guy is the president. Justice Scalia, who was apparently never subjected to racial discrimination of any sort, despite his Italian American heritage, called the law “a perpetuation of racial entitlement.” When asked why exactly the county, which, according to the latest census data, is overwhelmingly white, wanted the specific part of the law overturned, officials from Shelby County had no comment other than a surprisingly sinister sounding laugh.

During the weekly conference on Friday, Justice Breyer asked whether his new robe makes him look fat. According to the initial vote, the court was split 4-4, with Breyer recusing himself.

WASHINGTON — Sequestration began March 1 when Congress failed to pass any legislation that would allow the government to avoid the massive spending cuts. President Obama was reportedly “saddened and disappointed” that House Republicans did not meet his demands of a “balanced approach” of tax increases and spending cuts to evade the sequestration, especially since Republicans seemed to be “going Democrat” with their recent statements supporting gay marriage.

Speaker of the House John Boehner said in a press conference, “What the American people want is a smaller government that taxes less and spends less. What President Obama offered us was a government that taxes more and spends less. What we got by ignoring him was a government that taxes less and spends less. What we got from him was the American dream—a government that cuts services and benefits until our nation can return to the predominantly agrarian country our founding fathers envisioned.”

Dr. Richard O’Malley, a political science professor at George Washington University, nevertheless saw this as a victory for President Obama. “In the last week, Republicans have proved to be remarkably inconsistent. They seem reasonable one day, finally saying that all people deserve marriage equality under the law, but then the next day, they cry Reagonomics and refuse to compromise.”

However, the cuts caused by the sequestration mean that polling places will no longer have the budgets to purchase ballots or polling machines, and voters will need to purchase their own supplies. Most states will require votes be written in No. 2 pencil on a three-by-five notecard, though the Florida state government announced it will accept votes written on the back of used bingo cards, while California voters will need to submit their votes with a special iPad app. Kentucky voters, meanwhile, will likely be able to vote by dropping whatever knickknacks they have in their pockets into appropriately marked bourbon bottles.

In response to critics who argued this plan could potentially disenfranchise millions of lower income voters, Mr. Boehner said, “That’s nonsense. Those people would not have been able to vote anyways, what with the Supreme Court poised to repeal the Voting Rights Act.”

WASHINGTON — After a recent fire was put out in the West Wing of the White House, investigators found Vice President Biden and Former President Clinton working on a meth lab to help alleviate the United States’ financial woes. The subsequent investigation and closure of the operation revealed unimagined details about the inner workings of the White House.

Biden commented, “Listen, I talked to Bernanke, he kept saying a bunch of bullshit about interest rates and bubbles as if I was gonna take a bath or something. Then he told me the truth, that we’re just flat fuckin’ broke.” Biden said it was his duty as Vice President to put this country back on the map, so he went to Clinton for help.

President Clinton, who said he was “itching to get back in this politics hoopty,” agreed that the country needed help. “Shit was really starting to hit the fan so I went to Joe over here and even though he’s always watching The Wire, I told him to hit up Breaking Bad because this is primo.” Clinton said that he and Biden proceeded to get “high as a fuckin’ kite” when the VP had the epiphany of starting their own meth-lab.

“Politicians are always saying how small-business is the backbone of this country, but it looks like they’ve got a case of scoliosis, so me and Bill, like the entrepreneurs we are, knew we could run this thing,” said Biden, who then compared himself to Heisenberg, Noriega, and a “young Rick Rozay before he became a lil’ snitch.”

In three short weeks, Biden and Clinton gained control over 75% of the meth sales in the D.C., Maryland, and Virginia area. The Bureau of Labor speculates that the closing of their meth lab will result in a 5% increase in unemployment due to sheer number of people involved in the ring. Tourists were beginning to complain that they could hear Wu-Tang Clan being blasted from White House speakers at night.

White House security said this operation is unprecedented. “FDR had a pretty elaborate handicap fight club going on and Reagan had his own section where he would laugh at poor minorities, but this is like nothing we’ve ever seen before,” commented special agent and White Chicks star Terry Crews.

Rep. Paul Ryan called Biden’s actions a travesty to the nation, to which Biden responded, “Don’t hate me cuz you ain’t me.” Clinton also retorted, “Don’t talk shit when your widow’s peak is a centimeter from being in Twilight.”

Biden, teary eyed, said, “Four years man, I’ve got four more years left to serve these great citizens and I’ll be damned if I let one small meth fire stop me.” He continued, “I even tried to get Barack in on this shit, I told him that book money ain’t gonna last forever.” The President, unfortunately, was not available for comment.

WASHINGTON — In yet another attempt to cover up their ill fate in the 2012 elections, Republicans demanded a hearing on the Benghazi attacks with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The first fifteen minutes of the hearing involved multiple people thanking Clinton for not getting bangs, saying, “it’s just too flirty for our taste.” The fifteen minutes after that included clarification on which video provoked the protests, with certain members claiming it was the music video to Justin Beiber’s “Beauty and a Beat” while others said it was Kim Kardashian’s sex tape before Secretary Clinton corrected them by saying it was the Islamophobic propaganda film.

After all this, the hearing was finally underway. The Democrats spent most of their time offering their first child in exchange for a position on Clinton’s 2016 campaign. Meanwhile, the Republicans continuously asked Secretary Clinton about why she didn’t receive the Libya cables. Rep. Rand Paul (R-KY) took away time from fixing his toupee to ask Clinton, “Were the cables from AT&T U-Verse? Because if you didn’t see them I can understand. Those assholes always say between ten and three then show up at four like you don’t have shit to do.”

Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI) was rather straight forward with his critique of Clinton when he stated, “Whatever, these attacks have happened under various leadership but this lady’s just too goddamn Democratic. Frankly, we realize that she would destroy us in 2016 and nobody wants to deal with angry fat Chris Christie, I can’t tell you how many Old Country Buffets we’ve been banned from.”

The Flipside had the chance to ask Rep. Paul Ryan Gosling his thoughts on the Benghazi scandal, to which he responded: “Hey Girl, listen, I love Benghazi. After a hard workout a lot of my friends prefer using Icy-Hot pads, but I usually just get one of my interns to rub some Benghazi on my lower back. So the fact that Hillary would ruin one of my life’s simple pleasures is really upsetting.”

WASHINGTON –- NRA lobbyist Jack O’Neal fumed yesterday upon learning that he would be forced to undergo an extensive background check and 5-day waiting period before purchasing a new Congressman. O’Neal, an avid collector of US representatives, claims to have purchased eight senators in the past, and proudly boasts that not a single one has been registered with the proper authorities.

“I fuckin’ knew it!” O’Neal reportedly ranted to anyone in earshot. “I knew Obama was comin’ for my senators! I knew we couldn’t trust that commie!”

O’Neal’s critics generally attempt to paint the father-of-three as a deranged lunatic, whose desire to own as many politicians as possible is merely the result of an ingrained savior complex and militaristic fantasies that could possibly place his loved ones in danger, but close friends vehemently disagree.

“No one’s more responsible with his senators than O’Neal,” neighbor Roger Walsh vouched. “He’s taught the kids that a US representative should always be treated as a tool, and not one to be taken lightly. You wanna talk lunatics? Lemme tell you about [Philip Morris cigarette lobbyist] Phil [Lehane]. That guy’s up on Capitol Hill every weekend, brandishing his senators at the slightest provocation.”

“If he’s not careful with his legislation, he’s going to turn one of those representatives into a murder weapon.”

Although he eventually passed the background check, enabling him to legally own Congressman Donald Smith (R-DE), O’Neal has continued to complain as a matter of principle.

“This country was founded on certain rights,” O’Neal seethed during a CNN interview, “and foremost among them was for any man, woman, or child (as long as they have the necessary financial resources), to legally own a US lawmaker. I don’t want to hear about waiting periods, and I don’t want to hear about exceptions. I’m talking about what’s in the Constitution!”

In related news, a new measure aimed at restricting the sale of automatic weapons to the mentally ill was struck down by 84% of the Senate.

WASHINGTON — The Senate today confirmed a bagel as the nation’s next Secretary of Defense in a stunning show of bipartisanship. After it became clear that the confirmation of Chuck Hagel would be an insurmountable political obstacle, President Barack Obama nominated part of his breakfast instead.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) stated, “While this bagel isn’t the ideal choice, it’s at least palatable to most members of the Senate. He’s bland, holding no controversial positions, and it is adaptable to a variety of situations. Just as you can eat a bagel with breakfast or lunch, with Nutella or cream cheese, I believe that President Obama’s bagel, as Secretary of Defense, will be equally adjustable to strategizing in a potential future war with Iran or directing a covert tactical mission in the mountains of Afghanistan.”

After a brief debate on the Senate floor, the bagel was confirmed, 88-10, with two senators abstaining. Eight republicans and two democrats voted against the bagel, issuing a joint statement: “We cannot in good conscience support this candidate. It is full of carbohydrates and calories, yet low on nutritional value. It is not even whole grain, but rather simply plain, and plainness is not good enough for such an important position. We have no confidence in the bagel’s ability to fulfill the duties of the Secretary of Defense.”

“We don’t believe the bagel is above a smear campaign,” they added.

Meanwhile, the abstaining senators, Sen. Tammy Baldwin (D-Wisconsin) and Sen. Mark Kirk (R-Illinois), said, “This is absolutely ridiculous. We can’t believe that a bagel is seriously up for nomination for a powerful cabinet position. If the American people weren’t convinced Washington is an absolute circus before this, they certainly will be now.”

However, this statement was ignored by the rest of the Senate.

Political pundits agree that the bagel’s greatest asset in its confirmation was its contrast with the unpopular Mr. Hagel. Most notably, unlike Mr. Hagel, the bagel received widespread support from pro-Israel groups.

LANSING, MI — Michigan recently passed controversial changes to the state’s Twerker’s Rights Laws and has the rap video ho community up in arms. Right to Twerk is an initiative that allows rap video hos to be selected off the street without having to pass through a standard audition process. According to rap video ho extraordinaire Ivana Humpalot, famous for having the credit card swiped through her ass in Nelly’s “Tip Drill” video, “Auditions involve sleeping with a member of the rapper’s entourage and hooking your way up through the ranks until things come to (a) head with the rapper himself.”

Proponents of Twerkers rights generally argue their viewpoint from an economic perspective. Twerk Study student Rochelle Jones articulates the reasoning thusly: “Having to sleep with all of the hos before shooting the video leads to increased costs for the job-creating rappers. Hos that you have slept with demand higher wages and benefits like condoms, birth control, and child support. This has made music videos prohibitively expensive. So, rappers choose to film their videos in states like Michigan that have more biznezz friendly policies such as Right to Twerk. ”

Twerker’s Rights Laws are very popular with those in the rap industry. In fact, 2 Chainz is a vociferous supporter of the new laws, declaring, “All I want for my videos is a big booty ho. As long as she shows up every twerkday, I don’t care if my posse and I have slept with her yet.”

Opposition to the law comes mainly from seasoned rap video hos who had to play the game to get ahead. According to veteran sexpert Amy Lang, “Sleeping with the singers and production crew is our way of negotiating better rights. Orgies, also known as collective bargaining, are an especially powerful tool to ensure safe working conditions and good treatment. By sleeping with the stars, living wages and pensions for all hos were all put on the very same table we banged on.”

The opposition’s complaints stem from the fact that the hos who did not have to sleep with the rapper first are gaining benefits that the other hos had to twerk harder for. In other words, they are free riding, which isn’t usually a problem in the ho community, but in this case, the consequences can be horrible. By passing Twerker’s Rights Laws and unleashing a glut of lower paid hos into the market, bizznezzez will take their videos away from some states and bring them to others. The job market therefore isn’t being stimulated, but rather there is a race to see which state gets to be bottom bitch.

As of press time, twerkers have started protesting in front of 2 Chainz’s concerts chanting, “bad bitch contest you in first place.”

By Wile E. Coyote

As the premiere expert on falling off cliffs, I’d like to offer Americans some advice in these confusing times. I speak from the countless times I’ve fallen off a cliff in pursuit of happiness, which to me comes in the form of a tough game bird that would run around even when it is perfectly capable of flight. If your idea of happiness involves a balanced budget that reduces government deficit, written by congressmen who say nothing but “beep-beep,” you will find my experience most valuable.

One thing people always forget about falling off cliffs is that you don’t actually fall down until you realize that you’ve already run past the cliff. A good strategy to cope with cliffs is to deny that you’ve ran past them: let the delusion keep you afloat. So pretend that this whole fiscal cliff deal is not real. Repeat to yourself that America is still the greatest nation with a totally functional budgetary process. Until you’re tired of lying to yourself, you should be fine.

You may feel a strong urge to rely on giant corporations to fix problems for you. While private corporations such as ACME have provided jobs and innovative products, they have also frequently shown that consumer interest is far behind profit in their priorities. We must keep in mind that a part of the mess we are in right now came from catastrophic failures of corporations behaving irresponsibly.

The odds are likely that once you’ve run past the cliff, the fall will happen eventually. The fall itself is harmless; in fact, I find the sensation of zero-gravity rather entertaining. What really hurts is the crash. You might find yourself at the bottom of a small crater. You might be unconscious. But regardless of how awful that crash was, come next week’s show, you’ll still be the same coyote you were before the crash. So keep your chin up. Before you know it, it will be next fiscal year.

Wile E. Coyote, Nemesis ridiculii, is a long, slim, sick and sorry-looking skeleton, a living, breathing allegory of Want. He is always hungry. He is the author of The Wiley One: My Life and the Pursuit of the Elusive Bird.