Posted on November 10, 2013.
SPRINGFIELD, IL — Earlier this week, the Illinois House and Senate passed a common sense, why-on-Earth-not bill, with the House voting 61-54-2 in favor, and the Senate voting 32-29 in favor. The bill will now go to Governor Pat Quinn, who has previously asked why he wouldn’t sign such an obvious fucking bill into law.
Despite being the clearly rational thing to do, Illinois is only the 15th state to realize the proposed bill had no effect on the people opposing it, and that it provided its supporters with basic, equal rights.
“I saw the proposed bill and was like, ‘Wait, is this seriously not allowed?’ I just thought it would have passed in the 14th amendment or something like that,” said state Senator Daniel Biss (D-9th District).
“The slight minority of the Senate believes that this obvious fucking bill should not be passed into law, for this kind of sound judgment will lead us on a slippery slope to more levelheadedness,” said state Senator Bill Brady (R-44th District).
For some reason, the passage of the obvious fucking bill has made national headlines, as the majority of the country has not yet realized how fucking obvious it is.
Posted in No. 123, Politics
Posted on October 28, 2013.
FORT MEADE, MD — The diplomatic fallout following former National Security Agency contractor Edward J. Snowden’s revelation that the NSA had been harvesting documents and personal information from US citizens intensified on Friday, when 12-year old Mary Moneypenney found a bug in her mother’s car.
“At first she thought it was just a regular bug, but then she noticed it was made of metal, and gave it to me,” said her mother, Vesper Moneypenny. “I couldn’t figure out what it was, but my husband James identified it as a bug bug.”
After the Moneypennys announced the discovery of the arthropodian surveillance device on local news networks, he NSA issued a response on their website, calling the discovery of the bug “a sham.” “It is merely a bug,” insisted NSA Director and US Army General Keith B. Alexander. “Everyone and their mother have never been, are not, and will never be under constant surveillance by the US Government. Probably.”
Since then other moms have reported discovering bug bugs in their vehicles, hair, showers, bras, beds, and contraceptives.
“This is completely unacceptable,” said self-proclaimed soccer mom and Bethesda Public Schools PTA President Dakota Madison. “It really bugs me that the government is bugging so many resources to spy on their allies and citizens. I mean not that the PTA meetings aren’t a soap opera in and of themselves, but mainly I just go to Starbucks and Pure Barre classes.”
“It’s like being snowed-in. I just feel so trapped by all the surveillance the government does,” claimed another outraged citizen, Krystal Banks. Banks proudly tweeted her “snowed-in” pun, posted a selfie of herself saying it on Facebook, and also blogged every detail of her existence on Tumblr.
The government could not be reached for comment. They might still be shut-down, or just back to their usual incompetence. It’s hard to tell, really.
Posted in No. 121, Politics
Posted on October 22, 2013.
EVANSTON — Given the success and unanimous support of Northwestern University’s Associated Student Government’s latest move to ban on-campus tobacco possession, student representatives recently proposed a large number of additional bans designed to improve student life. While the bans are extremely varied both in content and potential impact, The Flipside has compiled a guide for students designed to empower voters by facilitating contact with representatives.
Posted in Local, No. 120, Politics
Posted on October 22, 2013.
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama completed the campaign mode of Grand Theft Auto V in a record 340 hours, allowing the government to finally get back up and running.
“You know, most people just go through the game and do what you’re supposed to,” stated Obama. “I am the kind of guy that likes to kill every single damn person in the game. Twice. This is easier said than done.”
First Lady Michelle Obama commented, “I’m just so proud of him. Not many people are strong-willed enough to beat Grand Theft Auto in such a timely manner. If it weren’t for Barack’s sheer determination, the government would still be shut down.”
People have been speculating as to why the bipartisan bickering was resolved so quickly. House Speaker John Boehner had something to say on the subject. “People are probably wondering why I caved on this whole government shut down thing. I really could care less. I just beat the final gym leader in Pokémon X and I’m on fucking cloud nine right now.”
In other news, the next possible date of governmental stagnation is on October 29th, which in no way correlates to Battlefield 4’s release date.
Posted in No. 120, Politics
Posted on October 17, 2013.
WASHINGTON — Following President Obama’s announcement of Janet Yellen’s nomination as the next Chairman of Federal Reserve, several House Republicans expressed their concerns that having a woman lead the central bank would result in unregulated spending on shoes and birth control pills.
Members of the House Tea Party Caucus, who frequently represents the period-costume-wearing wing of the Republican Party, began circulating a memo urging Republican senators to reject the nomination. The memo claims that a female Chairman of Federal Reserve will bring economic instability, the kind of which the nation has never seen during the years when men led the central bank.
“Let’s be honest here for a second, how do we know that a woman who has control of the entire US economy won’t just go about spending all that money on shoes and birth control pills?” said Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas) at the recent Value Voters Summit. “What’s worse is those goddang mood swings. What if she just unilaterally decides to switch to the Chinese currency instead of the Dollar when she’s going through that time of the month? We need someone in charge who won’t make irrational decisions irregardless [sic] of how full the moon is.”
“You know what, we’re fine with the fact that she’s a lady and all, but what we really need is a guarantee that she won’t take the powers given to her and use it for her personal use like unlimited shopping sprees or birth control.” chimed in Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa). “We don’t want to pay for any of that, that’d be just irresponsible. As patriotic Americans, we demand that the senators withhold this nomination until we have a guarantee under oath to God that no such thing will occur.”
When pressed for a comment, a Republican strategist who refused to be named was heard muttering “Goddammit” under his breath following a long sigh.
Posted in No. 119, Politics
Posted on October 17, 2013.
WASHINGTON — A Republican congressman told The Flipside that top Republican congressmen and governors have been privately pushing for the party to demand a return to the Articles of Confederation during negotiations over the debt ceiling and the current government shutdown.
“It’s mainly Cruz and Jindal,” said a Republican congressman who refused to be named. “They were laughed out of the room at first, but they keep insisting on it, and I think that they’re starting to gain sway over even some of the more moderate members of the caucus. They’re saying that we need to go back to the original intent of the Founding Fathers, before the whole Constitution. Which is pretty darn reasonable if you ask me, an elected official of the United States Congress.”
The Articles of Confederation were ratified in 1781 and replaced by the Constitution in 1789 due to widespread federalist and nationalist opposition to the Articles. The Articles of Confederation do not contain a president, a Supreme Court, congressional power of taxation, or congressional power to regulate foreign or interstate trade. Such a proposal thus represents a minor increase in the extents of recent Republican demands during negotiations.
“Obviously, they’re not advocating that we negotiate for a straight return to the Articles without modification,” said the Republican congressman. “That would be lunacy. They’re obviously going to include amendments making it easier to finance the strongest army in the world, exclusively through sales taxes that everyone with an income higher than a quarter of a million dollars a year will be exempt from if they can get Obama to agree to it – which they probably can, because otherwise the entire global economy will probably collapse,” said the congressman as he puffed on a cigar.
The Republican congressman was optimistic about the likelihood of re-ratifying the Articles, saying, “It’ll essentially permanently shut down the federal government, but that’s just solidifying things the way they are now, right? Then we’ll know we can never become a Socialist state. It’ll also impeach Obama, which he would probably welcome at this point. And it would prevent all future presidential elections from happening, which we can all get behind.”
Posted in No. 119, Politics
Posted on October 15, 2013.
WASHINGTON — After “nonessential” portions of government were shut down at the beginning of October, congressmen continue to fail to compromise. Any discussions amidst lawmakers, which are occurring between late-night raves and bar-crawls, have made no progress toward restoring the government’s full function.
“Both Republican and Democratic representatives are exhibiting a blatant refusal to compromise between their parties,” said William Middleton, professor of Political Science at the University of Indiana. “I wouldn’t bother either. They’re still getting paid, but don’t have to do shit. I’d just keep on drinking and having fun all damn day too if I were them. It’s not like they care about the people or anything.”
Bars in the District of Columbia have been filled with congressmen all month, and private parties are held almost daily.
“It’s like I’m in college again,” said Representative Joshua Brovlovski (R-CA), beer in hand, “except I’m getting paid with taxpayer dollars to get shitfaced, instead of paying for it. Plus, the cops are on my side!”
Hundreds of complaints have been filed with the police against the barbaric actions of congressmen.
“These rowdy congressmen are a horrible nuisance,” said Washington D.C. resident Molly Brighton. “The police won’t arrest them for fear of repercussions, but they keep showing up drunk at night in the neighborhood. I don’t even feel safe going out at night anymore. There’s just congressmen everywhere.”
The nation continues to watch and wait for Congress to reconvene (probably hung over) to discuss the monetary obligations of the federal government.
Meanwhile, rumors are circulating that Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) will introduce a bill that will deem Congress a nonessential part of government. Dr. Middleton predicts that should Congress be shutdown, the government would regain its ability to function.
Posted in No. 119, Politics
Posted on October 09, 2013.
WASHINGTON — In a moment that shocked many Americans, a member of Congress has been arrested for being exactly the person America wanted her to be. Representative Jan Schakowsky (D-IL) was taken into custody Tuesday afternoon for being far too respectable.
According to police reports, after Schakowsky woke up, she made coffee for her husband, read the newspaper, and fed her dogs. During her drive into the city, she slowed slightly to give a merging car room to enter her lane. After generously tipping a valet, Schakowsky held the door open for an elderly man and chased after him when she discovered he had dropped his handkerchief. As soon as she joined a peaceful rally supporting immigration reform, a cause that the overwhelming majority of her constituency supports, security knew they had to intervene.
“The situation was getting far too out of control,” explained the Head of Congressional Security Ron Mullins. “Congresswoman Schakowsky was completely disregarding the ramifications of her actions. Members of Congress are expected to comply with the long-upheld standard of doing nothing right.” Mullins conceded that reading the newspaper was a petty offense, but needed to be dealt with when taken in context with her larger infractions.
Speaker of the House John Boehner expressed concern over Schakowsky’s actions. He explained that if some politicians begin to hold the same moral code as their constituents, all politicians will be expected to act according to such standards. “We simply can’t allow the American people to form those kind of expectations,” he announced while warming his hands over a burning copy of the Affordable Care Act.
The total lack of response from Rep. Schakowsky’s office suggests that her staff has renewed its dedication to the Congressional Code of Ethics.
Posted in Local, No. 118, Politics
Posted on October 07, 2013.
HOUSTON, TX — After his recent success filibustering a vote on the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) used his talents of talking for hours on end to prevent his wife Heidi from choosing Apples to Apples on Family Game Night.
Heidi, Ted, and their two children switch turns choosing a game each week. When Heidi chose Senator Cruz’s least favorite game, due to his utter lack of humor and creativity, he intervened against the decision. He stood in front of the television and addressed his wife and two kids, outlining the many reasons why Apples to Apples was not suitable for their family, instead suggesting Snakes and Ladders.
Senator Cruz touched upon the Socialist implications of randomly distributing cards to the players and having a equitably rotating judge pick a card based on its humor or applicability.
In addition, he adapted the Dr. Seuss story, Green Eggs and Ham, to give some meaning to his decision. “I do not like Apples to Apples in a box, I do not like it with a fox,” said Senator Cruz, in a tone his four-year-old daughter found condescending. “I would not play it with a broom, could not play it in this room.”
The filibuster ended three hours later, when Senator Cruz declared it was time for his children to go to bed.
Posted in No. 118, Politics
Posted on October 01, 2013.
WASHINGTON — Due to the fact that the House of Representatives was not able to pass a budget on time the United States government has officially shut down. All departments and workers that have been deemed “essential,” such as the military and the NSA, will remain as paid employees of the federal government, while one million “non-essential” employees will be furloughed and not paid until the shutdown is over. The government has announced that there is only one way to end the shutdown: human sacrifice.
The government was clear in its demands, though, and confirmed that it was not joking. It will require the sacrifice of 45,000 Americans before it will restart.
With the government’s demands, House Republicans began to regret their decision to shut down the government. “When I first heard the number, I thought it was a joke,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH). “I mean, something like 20,000 would be manageable, but 45,000 people? That’s insane.”
“At… At first I thought that we could just throw some illegals its way and everything would be fine, but then I realized that it only wanted Americans,” stammered House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA).
This could have all been prevented, of course, had the House simply passed a budget to keep the government funded, without tacking on anything extra. However, the two parties could not agree on a measure that would have stalled implementation of the Affordable Care Act, affectionately known as “ObamaCare.”
Regardless, it is too late. The government must be paid its blood price, or, in the long run, we all risk a world without extrajudicial killings and that secret agency who put balloons all around the country.
Posted in No. 117, Politics