WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama unveiled Tuesday a dramatic new vision for the future of his facial hair. Standing imperially at a podium in the East Room of the White House, Obama announced to the nation, “Today, my face is clean-shaven; my mustache is nonexistent. America, I have decided that this is unacceptable. I have grown the economy the past few years, creating hundreds of thousands of jobs. But I have created nothing on my upper lip. This will all change in the coming months.”

Obama concluded the address, “I promise you that by the November elections, I will have handlebars as large as a bike’s.”

Republican congressmen and politicians were quick to criticize Obama’s facial feature future. “Obama’s follicular plans will kill American jobs and turn the United States into a European socialist nation,” said presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “Each day he doesn’t shave, a razor-blade maker will lose his job. He is forcing his own fashion values on Americans, attacking our dearest freedoms.”

Candidate Rick Santorum criticized Romney, in turn, for not condemning Obama for what he called the “deeper issues here.” Said Mr. Santorum, “Obama’s handlebar mustache will corrupt the youth of our nation, turning them into homosexual atheists. Mitt Romney is as bad as Obama for not calling out the President on his BS.”

Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) defended the President’s address. “President Obama has been under a lot of stress lately. This is just his way of having a little fun – who wouldn’t want a handlebar mustache? I sure do! Growing a mustache is a way for Obama to enjoy life a little more without spending any money, whether it’s his or the taxpayers’.”

Despite Pelosi’s comments – as well as a report from the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office that Obama’s mustache will save the nation $20 due to unused razor blades – Republican protestors gathered around the White House, bearing picket signs with phrases such as “Obama’s Uncut Mustache is an Uncut Budget” and “Raising hairs? Raising taxes is next!”

A senior White House administrator, who wished to remain anonymous, announced Wednesday afternoon that Obama, unwilling to divide the nation on another issue and to stand up for his own beliefs, has decided to continue shaving after all.

Newt Gingrich, meanwhile, has declared plans to grow a soul patch to appeal to the people he will be screwing over if elected to office.

Washington – The only thing more obvious than President Barack Obama’s high probability of being re-elected in November is the gray hair he has grown in recent months. With certain victory ahead, Obama will need to retool the White House if he hopes to live through four more years of a grueling presidency.

In a 60 Minutes segment, a visibly tired Obama panted to a reporter, “I think it’s fairly obvious that I’m going to be re-elected – I mean, come on, Romney hates poor people and Newt married his high school teacher.”

Obama then went on to say, “And yet, it’s also no secret that this job is slowly killing me. My hair is graying, I’ve lost a step on the basketball court, and Michelle can attest to the fact that I’ve lost a step in the… ahem. Uh, so my staff and I have decided to install handicap-friendly features to the White House. You know, just in case Israel attacks Iran or Biden says something especially stupid, and I can no longer handle the stress without electronic stairways.”

Campaign organizers are already using Obama’s new plans to appeal to a wider demographic in the coming election, drafting new slogans such as “Stand for Change, If You’re Able.” However, other slogans like “We Cannot Walk Alone” will remain unchanged.

WASHINGTON D.C. – After witnessing her powerful portrayal of UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady, the Republican Party has announced the nomination of Meryl Streep for candidacy for President of the United States.  Predictions show that the lovely and talented Streep will pull ahead in the next primary, using her track record of Academy Awards and Golden Globes as an indication of her popularity with the masses and her ability to achieve.

Many GOP politicians are shifting their support from Romney and Gingrich to Streep, due to the fact that she is not completely incompetent; she keeps a level head, she always effectively executes her roles, and she is not an indecisive idealist or a horny bastard.

As a highly respected actress, Streep already has a leg up on the competition.  Her undeniable class will bring honor back to the Republican Party, and many posit that her womanly strength will give the GOP the feminine angle that failed so completely with Sarah Palin back in 2008.

Streep already has the support of many Republican leaders.  An encouraging tweet sent Tuesday from Sarah Palin read “U go girl!!!! Just tell them what a maverick u r and the ppl will love u 4ever!!”.  Former president George W. Bush also voiced support, saying “Meryl Streep has the prudential to be the most beautiful President in the history of Amurrica.  But all seriousness aside, she would do a great job running the country”.

Streep wishes all the candidates good luck, and hopes to establish a grip on the country that rivals her grip on Anne Hathaway in the 2006 box-office hit The Devil Wears Prada.

MILWAUKEE – In response to the milk spill that covered the western rim of Lake Michigan with a layer of milk fat, President Obama visited the shores of Milwaukee to encourage the thousands of volunteers helping in the cleanup effort.

The spilled milk has since spread over a large area, reaching as far as Western Michigan and the north shores of Chicago. Images of flocks of geese covered in milk fat have gathered attention from the press and garnered criticism for the lack of early response.

According to experts from the Federal Emergency Management Agency, while milk is biodegradable, the bacterial growth coming from bad milk will most certainly disrupt the environmental balance of Lake Michigan irreparably.

Republican leadership has since strongly criticized the president for the failed joke during the State of the Union address, calling the joke “utterly tasteless” and the president “out-of-touch.”

“But seriously, what are the odds that something like this would happen?” muttered President Obama, looking crestfallen. “What people don’t understand is that I didn’t do this. I didn’t leave the milk out.”

Later, the President was forced to cancel a scheduled speech in front of the Milwaukee city hall when he broke into fits of sobbing.

WASHINGTON – The Crunchwrap Supreme Court announced Tuesday their verdict in UBFA v. Kellogg, affirming the death sentence for Barry Kellogg issued by the 11th Court of Applepeels. The verdict did not come as a surprise after a photograph of the defendant surfaced that provided nearly insurmountable evidence of the defendant’s guilt.

Ruth Bader Ginsburger, who wrote the majority opinion, summarized the photograph: “Kellogg is standing with one of the victims, Trixie Leporis. Both are smiling; the defendant has evidently seduced her like the rest of his victims. Kellogg’s left hand is gripping a silver spoon, the weapon used to kill all of his victims.”

Barry Kellogg and the United Breakfast Foods Alliance each issued statements following the Crunchwrap Supreme Court’s judgment. Mr. Kellogg’s spokesman said, “We are extraordinarily disappointed with this outcome. As we explained in our oral arguments, Mr. Kellogg was simply trying to help Ms. Leporis through some troubled times with financial support. He was planning to give her the silver spoon that evening so she could sell it. Before he could do this, some deranged person, who has not yet been caught, tragically murdered Ms. Leporis.”

Snap C. Pop, chairman of the UBFA, said, “Although we hesitate to rejoice at the pending death of a human being, we are pleased that breakfast cereal mascots can now sleep in peace without fearing the dreaded silver spoon of Mr. Kellogg.”

The White Toll House Cookie declined to comment on the particular case; Press Secretary Jay Carneyvore stated, “Barack Obanana has no direct power over the Crunchwrap Supreme Court, and so he cannot comment on every single ruling. The President will issue statements concerning important rulings where Congress should change the existing law to counteract or adapt to a verdict, but this is not one of those cases.”

GOP candidates, however, were not so restrained on commenting on the case. Rick Peary of Texas applauded the decision. “We need more justices willing to take a hard stand on crime, more executions of perverted cereal killers like Barry Kellogg.”

DES MOINES — After receiving only 6 votes in the Iowa Caucus, lizard people said they will return to the marshes to reassess their candidacy. The decision was revealed in a speech delivered to the reptilians’ supporters who gathered in the campaign’s headquarter in Des Moines.

“Hissss… Shsssh shhh hisss hssssss…. I’m sorry, there must be some technical difficulties here.” said one of the lizard people while adjusting the microphone. “It’s hard to say that we’re not disappointed by the results tonight. The future is uncertain, but we will make our decisions considering what’s best not only for us but also for America.”

The candidates, who once held an insurmountable lead in the 7-to-12 “juvenile” demographic of the Republican party, now face a tough decision between staying in the race and cutting their losses.

Republican strategist and Flipside political commentator William Sanderson said it was likely that the half-reptiles would eventually drop out of the race.

“You know, the Republican Party has a history of choosing candidates with strong conservative credentials and values,” said Sanderson “It wasn’t entirely sure that the campaign’s messages were entire compatible with ordinary Iowa voters.”

Lizard people ran a campaign emphasizing less government interventions in insect markets and lower taxes on exotic pets. Their message was overshadowed by the campaign’s many gaffes. During a televised debate back in October, the candidates blurted out that Texas Governor Rick Perry looked “delicious”. In November, one of the lizard people accidentally swallowed a baby whole during a town hall meeting.

While little is known of the future plans for the lizard people, experts speculate that they would return to their careers as sci-fi movie villains.

DES MOINES – At precisely 11:33 PM on January 4th, citizens across the state of Iowa unobtrusively returned to being unnecessary. This shift happened as the final votes in the Republican Caucus were tallied, and it was determined that the winner was Mitt Romney by 8 votes.

Back in the natural state they reside in between each caucus, Iowans took a collective sigh of relief as they could stop pretending to be politically conscious and stop pretending to have what is locally known as “that there fancy book-learning.”
While some enraged members of the Young Republicans club at Iowa State University took to the change violently, most adapted quickly, instantly acclimating to the dearth of national attention they’re used to.

“To be frank, it’s a relief to have it over with. Most of the time, reporters just come here if there’s a delay in the corn harvest. To have them asking me questions about foreign things like ‘Iraq’ and ‘marijuana’ was uncomfortable,” said Jolene Gbur of Altoona.

Others were upset with the disruptions in their daily lives.

“It got to the point where I picked up the paper and had to flip two or three pages to get to the Ag section. Damn shame,” Dwayne Millar of Dubuque said.

PYONGYANG -  Intrepid and courageous agents of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea have discovered that Great Successor and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un won the recent GOP Iowa caucus by a 110% margin, a glorious and universal truth hidden by the dastardly imperialist American media. The people of Iowa have expressed their burning desire to live under the guidance of the Wise and Brilliant Leader and wish to defect to the Supreme Awesomeness of The Most Excellent Korean.

Impressed by the corn-growing prowess of The Greatest and Most Devoted Michael Jordan Fan, Iowans flocked to the polls in an effort to free themselves from oppressive American tyranny. The Great Man, Who Is Not Really That Fat graciously accepted this new mandate to bring the divine perfection of communism to Iowa and has already formulated a perfect and infallible strategy to wrest this fertile land from the imperialist pigs.

Furthermore, The Inventor of a Better Mousetrap has announced that he will develop a new strain of corn in honor of this most auspicious occasion. According to a government spokesman, “The Unique and Differently Gifted Leader is anxious to begin the annexation of Iowa into the DPRK and plans to travel there next week, as soon as he returns from his weekend trip to Mars.”

The evil and untrustworthy American government refused to comment on this great victory for The Most Prodigious Consumer of Kimchi.

DES MOINES – Last Tuesday, Iowans gathered in gyms, homes, and other buildings across the state to discuss who their favorite old white guys were.

Herds of people thronged in and around buildings. They stood around and talked for a while. Some people waved signs with pretty decorations. There was a lot of shouting. Then they wrote a name on a piece of paper and left. This name was the name of their favorite old white guy.

The old white guy who had the most people write that he was their favorite was declared the winner.

At some points, the discussion became intense argument; no one was injured, though there were reports of bruised feelings.

A mere five old white guys seemed to capture the favor of the majority of Iowans, which is rather remarkable considering how many old white people there are in Iowa. A few of the five leaders didn’t look all that old, actually, and these younger old white guys appeared to have the strongest support. However, opponents of each old white guy were fiercely mistrustful, and no single white guy captured more than a quarter of the Iowans’ favoritism.

The old white guys were reportedly seen at various points around the state preceding the gatherings. Eyewitnesses claim that one was overweight, another was short with a piping voice, one was wearing flip-flops, one was described only as “frothy,” whatever that means, and one seemed rather forgetful. None of the old white guys appeared to be from Iowa, which is maybe why the Iowans were so reluctant to choose one as their favorite.

A few people voiced their support for a youngish white woman, but these people were ridiculed by fellow Iowans, as they evidently misunderstood the purpose of the gatherings.

WASHINGTON — In the wake of Herman Cain’s sex scandal, Newt Gringrich has surged to the top of the polls as the new Republican front-runner for the 2012 election. Ron Paul, a longtime Congressman from Texas, is not happy with the recent turn of events.

“This is bullshit,” says Paul. “My turn was totally after Cain’s.”

When the campaigning began earlier this year, Michelle Bachmann was quick to call dibs on the leader position, winning the Iowa Straw Poll. The rest of the Republicans quickly followed suit, with Perry second in line, followed by Herman Cain, Ron Paul, then finally Newt Gingrich.

Santorum and Huntsman were unable to obtain a place in line, due to the fact that everybody kind of assumed that they were joking about their candidacies during that point in the election.

Gingrich was able to take Paul’s reserved spot as leader by invoking the “cutsies” loophole to the Dibs Contract. Then, in what has been perhaps the trickiest political move of the campaign thus far, the former Speaker of the House secured the “No Backsies” clause to assure his dominance in the polls.

Paul will be given his turn to be relevant next month, when Gingrich is contractually obligated to do something stupid and lose his standings in the polls.

When asked to comment, current runner-up Mitt Romney said “I really don’t even care who’s winning anymore. Can the GOP just admit I’m the only real candidate so we can move on?”

According to recent polls, no, they cannot.