BATAVIA, IL – Last Thursday, Fermilab researchers announced that after smashing a lot of things together moving really really fast, they finally discovered a new fundamental particle. Scientists have decided to call the particle a “brickon.”

“At first we didn’t know what to make of this particle,” said Fermilab scientist Carl Jacobs. “In the past, we have observed entities that look like larger, differently colored versions of brickons, but this is the first time we have truly observed the particle in its fundamental state.”

Brickons generally come in five colors, red, blue, yellow, white, and black, but have been seen more rarely in a much wider variety of shades, ranging from mahogany to transparent green.

The most common combination of brickons is when eight red brickons come together to form a structure known as a “red brick.” As it turns out, brickons can be useful in many other forms because of their unique properties, namely that they come together and break apart so easily.

Although we don’t realize it, brickons make up many things in the world around us. Photographic evidence exists that the Statue of Liberty, the Taj Mahal, The Eiffel Tower, and many other landmarks around the world are actually made of brickons. In cinema, most of the spaceships from the Star Wars saga as well as Hogwarts Castle from the Harry Potter series are all made of brickons. Some movie theaters are even made of brickons. Most shocking of all, evidence exists that people are actually made of brickons.

“None of us imagined how widespread the existence of the brickon is until we knew that it existed,” commented Jacobs. “Now that we know they exist, I wonder how tall a tower could be built with them…”

by b4113rh4113r

sWeEtIeBABI444: Hey
radsportsdude69: hi
sWeEtIeBABI444: How’s it going?
radsportsdude69: nm u?
sWeEtIeBABI444: uhhh… I’m just chillinnnnn
radsportsdude69: hoo is this?
sWeEtIeBABI444: Katie, frm Math
radsportsdude69: Oh, hey
radsportsdude69: sup?
sWeEtIeBABI444: not much. I already asked you that
radsportsdude69 : oh yeah lol
sWeEtIeBABI444: Wat u up to tonight?
radsportsdude69: nm u?
sWeEtIeBABI444: lol I’m hanging out with some friends. we jst watched the ring lol
radsportsdude69: I kno, shes so hot. I dnt kno y she is talking to me
radsportsdude69: Sorry… wrong window
radsportsdude69:lol
radsportsdude69: u there?
radsportsdude69: I g2g
sWeEtIeBABI444: O sry I was just checking my buddy profile
radsportsdude69: oh lol
radsportsdude69: I don’t have to go nemore
sWeEtIeBABI444: r u going to the dance this Fridayyyy?
radsportsdude69: idk, u?
sWeEtIeBABI444: yeah, im goin wit Jooooey
radsportsdude69: oh. cool.
sWeEtIeBABI444: well I should go lylab!!!!
radsportsdude69: love ya too!
sWeEtIeBABI444 has signed off. Please try again later.

Translator’s notes:

Katie: Hello.
Lester: Hello to you.
Katie: How are you doing?
Lester: Nothing much is occurring in my life. How about yourself?¹
Katie: [politely] I am just relaxing. Thank you.²
Lester: To whom am I speaking?
Katie: I am Katie; I am in the same mathematics class as you.
Lester: Hello. [again]
Lester: What is going on in your life?
Katie: My life is relatively uneventful at the moment, though you already inquired similarly at an earlier point in our exchange.
Lester: I realize this now. How funny.
Katie: In what activities are you indulging tonight?
Lester: Very few activities. How about you?
Katie: [a guffaw of sorts] I am enjoying the company of friends. We watched the film, The Ring. [guffaw]³
Lester4: She is quite exquisite. I have no idea why she takes any interest in me.
Lester: My apologies! I have sent a message to the wrong person.⁴
Lester: [guffaw]
Lester: Are you still there?
Lester: Well, I must leave now.
Katie: Sorry, I was editing my Buddy Profile.⁵
Lester: [guffaw] I see!
Lester: Perhaps I shall stay for a moment longer.
Katie: Will you be attending this Friday’s ball?
Lester: [No one would dare invite me]. You?
Katie: Why yes, I am. I will be escorted by [Lester’s arch enemy] Joseph.
Lester: [Fuck]
Katie: I must be leaving now. [You will never have a chance with me]⁶
Lester: I love you very much
Katie never received Lester’s final message.

¹ One might note that here we see a discrepancy between the question and his response.
² The colon-parenthesis combination signifies happiness in American teen iconography.
³ It is often thought that Lester begins masturbating here, however some evidence indicates he may have started when Katie introduced herself (for more, see Second Base at the Movies: Seventh Graders in the 2000’s by Thomas Honsbergh).
⁴ Lester intended this message to be sent to his friend Charles. Their conversation has been lost, but some evidence survives indicating that Lester and Charles discussed the how unlikely it was that Katie would talk to them and how Katie’s breasts were “frickn awesome,” but she had “an ok asss.”
⁵ Buddy Profiles allowed young teens to publicize who they were dating that week.
⁶ LYLAB was a common acronym for Love You Like A Brother, but was commonly meant as a clever way for women to dismiss any sexual interest in a male acquaintance.

WASHINGTON—After receiving an “error report” last Wednesday, Microsoft executives are frantically trying to figure out what they’re supposed to do next.

The error report, which asked the tech company to fix a bug in its operating system that caused Word documents to crash unexpectedly after extended periods of idleness, was sent by WCAS freshman Arnold Shoenbach. According to Microsoft, this was the first error report they’ve ever received.

Shoenbach, a long-time Microsoft Word user, experienced his crash last week.

“I was writing a paper for my history class,” Shoenbach said. “I went to the bathroom, and when I got back, I opened up a couple other applications and tried to start typing again, but then the screen froze for a couple minutes and Word crashed.”

What Shoenbach did next makes him possibly the most blithely optimistic Microsoft consumer to date.

“I clicked ‘Send Error Report,’” Shoenbach said. “. . . Why are you staring at me like that?”

All previous victims of Microsoft Word crashes opted to ignore rather than report an error after a crash. Microsoft executives estimated that the “Don’t Send” button on the error report window is probably clicked by over one billion irritated consumers per day.

“I don’t get it,” Chief Software Architect Gerry Oakland, said. “The ‘Don’t Send’ option has always been the default. The damned thing is already highlighted to draw the user’s attention.”

Microsoft programmers are devastated that their 30-year hiatus from doing anything may have come to an end.

“Our policy around here has always been ‘feigned ignorance is bliss,’” Oakland said.

Since no one at Microsoft has any idea how to approach application errors, executives are looking for other solutions. “We’re treating this like we’d treat any other problem,” Oakland said. “We’re going to find a way to convince ourselves it didn’t happen.”

In addition to offering Shoenbach $50,000 to “never speak of this again,” executives are considering adding three new options to the error notification window—“Close,” “Disregard,” and “Carry On.” Each of the new buttons will do what the “Don’t Send button” already does. This new feature will likely be part of a Word upgrade next year.

The writers of The Flipside have planned to write an article commemorating the tenth anniversary of the creation of Wikipedia. However, due to approaching midterms and general laziness, we have decided to just copy and paste the Wikipedia entry on Wikipedia instead. Happy tenth, Wikipedia!

Wikipedia ( /ˌwɪkɪˈpiːdi.ə/ or /ˌwɪkiˈpiːdi.ə/ WIK-i-PEE-dee-ə) is a free, web-based, collaborative, multilingual encyclopedia project supported by the non-profit Wikimedia Foundation. Its 17 million articles (over 3.5 million in English) have been written collaboratively by volunteers around the world, and almost all of its articles can be edited by anyone with access to the site. Wikipedia was launched in 2001 by Jimmy Wales and Larry Sanger and has become the largest and most popular general reference work on the Internet, ranking eighth among all websites on Alexa and having 365 million readers.

The name Wikipedia was coined by Larry Sanger and is a portmanteau from wiki (a technology for creating collaborative websites, from the Hawaiian word wiki, meaning “quick”) and encyclopedia.

Although the policies of Wikipedia strongly espouse verifiability and a neutral point of view, critics of Wikipedia accuse it of systemic bias and inconsistencies (including undue weight given to popular culture), and allege that it favors consensus over credentials in its editorial processes. Its reliability and accuracy are also targeted. Other criticisms center on its susceptibility to vandalism and the addition of spurious or unverified information, though scholarly work suggests that vandalism is generally short-lived, and an investigation in Nature found that the science articles they compared came close to the level of accuracy of Encyclopædia Britannica and had a similar rate of “serious errors”.

Wikipedia’s departure from the expert-driven style of the encyclopedia building mode and the large presence of unacademic content have been noted several times. When Time magazine recognized You as its Person of the Year for 2006, acknowledging the accelerating success of online collaboration and interaction by millions of users around the world, it cited Wikipedia as one of several examples of Web 2.0 services, along with YouTube, MySpace, and Facebook. Some noted the importance of Wikipedia not only as an encyclopedic reference but also as a frequently updated news resource because of how quickly articles about recent events appear. Students have been assigned to write Wikipedia articles as an exercise in clearly and succinctly explaining difficult concepts to an uninitiated audience.

LONDON – Members of the Royal Society of London reported to have found evidence that Sir Isaac Newton first discovered that the number 80,085 looks a lot like the word “BOOBS”. While reviewing Newton’s original manuscripts, Professors Rob Ellington and David Barrow unearthed a document suggesting that the same man who theorized the fundamental laws of motion also noticed how to spell “BOOBS” with numbers.

The text of the manuscript reads, “It would appear that the sum of eighty-thousand and eighty-five, when written as a series of numeric digits, bears a striking resemblance to BOOBS. I have presented this over tea to a colleague at Cambridge, who found it quite amusing.”

Isaac Newton is credited as the father of classical mechanics. He also published theories on theology, universal gravitation, and integral calculus. According to the Royal Society, the new theory of BOOBS may have been Newton’s most important idea.

Ellington and Barrow encountered this groundbreaking find while reading through Newton’s journals, which have been preserved in the Royal Society’s library since the English mathematician and philosopher’s death in the 18^th century. “This truly is a remarkable primary source,” said Professor Ellington in an interview with the BBC. “I believe that these journals are solid proof that Sir Newton was the first man to discover this numeric relationship, hundreds of years before today’s young mathematicians made the same discovery using their digital calculators.”

“It seems that even without the proper technology to demonstrate the significance of the number, Isaac Newton was able to make this postulation,” added Professor Barrow. “He demonstrated an admirable talent for seeing ‘BOOBS’ so clearly.”

However, not all mathematicians are happy to hear this report. In response to the Royal Society’s claim, officials of the German Academy of Science asserted that Gottfried Liebniz, a contemporary and rival of Newton, made the discovery first.

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft Headquarters lay in ruins last week after its worker-drones, armed with forks, pens, office chairs, staplers, bulky hard-drives and the Windows 7 operating system, were no match for Apple’s new Lion, which left only death and destruction in its path after being released to maul its way through the office structure.

The release of this Lion comes as a surprise even to longtime Apple supporters. An Apple employee, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that the Lion was created after developers worked to make the original planned release, the Apple HouseCat, more “fierce and provocative.”

One of the massacre’s few survivors, Dexter Matthews, said, “We at Microsoft really did not see this assault coming. I mean, we’re still recovering from Apple’s Snow Leopard. That fucker has really messed up our customer base in Siberia.”

This is one of few open attacks in the “Cold War” between Microsoft and Apple, corporations that have been at odds for decades in an ever-escalating arms race over personal computer technology. Microsoft Secretary-General Bill Gates was unavailable for comment.

Reports show that this incident has had the most casualties since the notorious iPod-Zune Conflict of 2006, which, after weeks of intermittent violence, ended when it became clear no customer would be caught dead listening to music on a Zune.

Matthews also said, “I have always been accustomed to Apple pwning us and our shitty excuses for intuitive technology, but this was something new. Those claws, the teeth, the new Macintosh App Store? This Lion made Aslan from The Chronicles of Narnia look like Puss in Boots from Shrek.”

Longtime Apple spokesman Justin Long is very pleased with the victory, but remains outraged that Microsoft still refuses to discuss plans for a resolution to the years of tension and conflict. At a press conference yesterday, Long begged Gates to surrender and end the needless bloodshed.

“Mister Gates, tear down this firewall!”

EVANSTON—Evanston resident and self-described “gadget nerd” Eric Thompson spent nearly $200 on an Amazon Kindle today despite the fact that he hasn’t read a book in nearly three years.

“I just feel like these things are the future of reading, you know?” Thompson stated from the couch in his living room. “These e-ink screens are all the rage now, and I feel like if I don’t buy one of these babies, I won’t be able to read anything when physical books aren’t being printed anymore. Besides, you can also get the New York Times on this thing! How awesome is that?” To prove his point, Thompson downloaded the morning’s issue of the Times, spent 30 seconds reading the front-page headlines, and then promptly returned to watching TV.

“My wife keeps nagging me to read all of these books by some dead Swedish guy,” Thompson told me during the commercial break, “I think one was about hornets’ nests and shit like that. So, hey, maybe now I’ll finally be able to give them a shot-you know, having them all in one place and stuff. But then again, I heard they’re being made into movies, so why bother, you know?”

When asked if purchasing a Kindle could possibly compel him to read something other than the first 25 pages of a Dan Brown novel in the next decade, Thompson seemed hesitant to commit.

“Well, I guess so… I mean, I paid 200 bucks for this thing, so I might as well use it, huh?” Later reports indicated that Thompson read the first two chapters of The Girl Who Played With Fire and spent the rest of the afternoon searching for a “Hangman” application.

EVANSTON—In what is being called the worst wave of viral attacks in recent years, Northwestern’s Laptop ER service was plunged into frantic technical support overtime as dozens of—mostly male—students brought in their computers after a crippling wave of pornographic entertainment. Although often considered harmless, the sex came with a price: viruses, worms, and predatory infections, often causing their victims to seize up—or stop functioning altogether.

“We’ve seen this kind of thing before, but never this bad,” said ER Specialist Derek Brown. “Somebody out there is making access to these whores even cheaper and easier. It’s sick. In the hands of our students, some of these poor laptops never had a chance.”

In keeping with the custom of triage developed on the battlefields of World War I—by which wounded are grouped into three categories in order to prioritize help to those who might benefit most—workers valiantly made grim decisions on the café tables at Norris Center. Though a fortunate third of the laptops were given the full attention of tech experts, another third languished in waiting, as they carried only mild computer viruses. A final third were unfortunately left to die, or given the option of wiping their hard drives clean.

Crying and cradling his still-young but cold Toshiba, Matt Deshevny called out, “Why? Why are you gone? All those hotties! All those videos! Twenty hours of DP!”

“I am afraid there was just too much high-resolution tail ready for download out there,” Brown intoned. “We did what we could.”

EVANSTON—NAGS (Northwestern’s Annoying Geek Squad) released NU’s iPhone app version 1.3333 (repeating) yesterday in order to fix bugs in the old system and add more student-friendly features.

“Our first priority was to fix minor problems and glitches within the software. The most obvious error was an unfortunate spelling error in ‘Lunt Hall’ on the GPS map,” said head developer Smith Bergman.

“Students also requested that we add ‘Thirsty Thursdays’ to the campus events calendar. I assume that’s an ASG initiative to install more water fountains in campus buildings. It’s great to see students using the app to work together,” he added.

The updated version also includes more features targeted directly at students, most notably an action that allows for direct chatting with NU President Morty Schapiro.

“I just thought about, like, dumb stuff I wish I could do on my phone, and then, like, designed the software around that,” said McCormick senior Dave Brenning, who also worked on the app’s design.

When asked how the application enables the school president to BBM, a function currently only capable on the BlackBerry, Brenning responded, “Want to do worthless and unfeasible things using valuable Northwestern resources? There’s an app for that.”

The updated application also makes greater use of the interactive map that was created in the first version of the app. Now students can use the GPS system to find their way back to their dorm room from anywhere in Evanston and the greater Chicago area.

“Perfect for one-night stands,” explained freshman Sally Merkelson, who uses the Northwestern app on her purple bejeweled iPhone.

“Knowing that now I’ll somehow make it back to Bobb in the morning takes a little bit of headache out of my already horrible hangover.”

While Bergman is proud of NAGS’ work on the app, he knows there will be more room for improvement. He said he hopes to develop a breathalyzer for the phone, which rates inebriation on a scale of “buzzed,” “schwasted,” and “shitfaced”.

“It’s all about making life more enjoyable for the kids, even if it will cause tuition costs to double in the next two years. I really look forward to getting to work on version 1.667,” he said.

EVANSTON—Members of the Northwestern University student organization Coalition Against Climate Change announced today that they were “satisfied” to see the return of wintry weather.

“We are pleased and happy to report that the cold weather is back,” said senior Mike Daly, president of the Coalition. “You guys don’t understand how freaked out we were last week.”

Daly is referring to the flash of warmth Evanston experienced last week, when high temperatures reached mid-40s.

“Seriously, we were freaking out about global warming. I mean, it’s January. It’s supposed to be icy cold, not moderately chilly. For a while we thought we were too drunk to realize it was cold, but as it turns out, that had nothing to do with how warm last week was.”

Other members of the club shared similar sentiments of relief.

“We didn’t even need our thick jackets and mufflers. I saw a guy walking down Sheridan in a hoodie. A hoodie!” reported junior Wendy Frost, a member of the Coalition against Climate Change. “I’m just really glad to see all the people around with winter gear on again, especially those big, goofy hats.”

“I almost died last week,” said the snowman residing behind the Norris student center, an active member of the Coalition. “It was just too warm.”

However, not everyone on campus is happy that the frosty weather is back. Freshmen April Lim was overheard muttering, “I could have gone to Berkeley,” during a particularly strong wind gust.

The biggest loser in this entire situation seems to be freshmen theater major George Lebow, who mistakenly thought winter was over and sold all of his warm clothing in exchange for beer money. While Lebow will probably suffer the consequences of hypothermia, it is likely that he will not feel anything at all.