In a recent miscommunication, Greece sent 100,000 gyros to Germany to avoid debt default. After confusing the delicious pita wraps for the currency, the Greeks remain unashamed.

“We heard the chancellor needed a payment, but we didn’t understand why she wanted to be paid in gyros,” Prime Minister Lucas Papademos said. “After giving it some thought, however, I got it. I have never said no to a lamb sandwich.”

The souvlaki industry was suddenly under a lot of pressure to complete this task in such a short amount of time. Still, being the most capable sector of the Greek economy, the meat producers pulled it off with ease.

“Luckily, cucumbers were on sale at the market, so the tzatziki wasn’t an issue.  My godmother’s aunt’s brother’s cousin is a butcher, so he pitched in for meat,” said gyro-maker Yianni Papadoupoulakis.

The government is now scrambling to make up for their error. They are hoping to turn this mistake into a positive solution.

“Really, Germany should just pay us for all those gyros,” Papademos said. “They were made possible by the world-famous Greek work ethic, and they deserve to be eaten and paid for. Then we can just use those Euros to pay them back. Problem solved.”

EVANSTON – Following last week’s announcement that popular fraternity Chi Psi (“Lodge”) has been indefinitely shut down, many alumni have begun filling out asylum applications to third-world countries in a pre-emptive move to avoid prosecution.

“They didn’t even tell us what we did,” one brother noted, referring to a vague letter published by the fraternity’s national council, “so it’s got to be really fucking bad. I don’t think we killed anyone, but my January’s a bit of blur.”

Reportedly, the refugees have so far been welcomed with open arms in Mogadishu, where many former brothers have already begun accepting bids from a litany of factions.

“With their shadowy, enigmatic rituals, as well as their pervasive degradation of women, I really felt at home in the al-Shabaab house,” Christopher Grant III reported by satellite. “Still, it’s not an easy decision. The Salafists have a wicked beer-pong table in the basement.”

When asked why they were willing to uproot and move to a new country for the final years of their education, most Lodge alumni cited a core experience not un-similar to what Northwestern’s Interfraternity Council council delivers.

“The fraternity experience is about brotherhood, leadership, and community, yes?” Militant leader Ayman al-Zawahiri explained. “We have this! Our men are blood-brothers, the undisputed leaders of their towns, and constantly engage with their community!” A blast rocked the frame of Zawahiri’s camera. “You see? They engage the community now!”

“Admittedly, this isn’t where I saw myself ending up,” Grant disclosed, his face lightly caked with dirt and blood. “Still, Northwestern only gave me two housing options, and this sure as hell beats living in Plex.”

GIGLIO, ITALY- Italian Coast Guard incident reports released exclusively to the Flipside have shed new light on the true cause of the Costa Concordia disaster.  While the official reports have posited several theories (ranging from the sudden appearance of a beautiful woman on shore to repeated ship-to-shore telephone calls from the captain’s mother) as to why the ship ran aground and sank, transcripts from police interviews with Captain Francesco Schettino suggest otherwise.  Twenty minutes into the interview, Schettino appears to have broken down, admitting that the reef, which the ship eventually hit, had “challenged him”.  The transcript continues as follows:

POLICE: The reef. . .challenged you?

SCHETTINO: Si!  It’s like the other car at the stop sign.  It is supposed to stop, not me.

POLICE: Sir — you’re saying the reef should have moved for you?

SCHETTINO: Of course, again with the stupid questions!  I even honked at it.  And on top of all that, I think it said something about my mother!

POLICE: Again, sir, let me remind you that we’re talking about a reef here.

SCHETTINO: Basta!  I’ll call Mama; she’ll explain it to you.

When asked why he abandoned ship before all of the passengers had made it to safety, Schettino claimed that it was lunch time and he thought he smelled pasta on shore.  Formal charges are expected soon.

PYONGYANG -  Intrepid and courageous agents of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea have discovered that Great Successor and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un won the recent GOP Iowa caucus by a 110% margin, a glorious and universal truth hidden by the dastardly imperialist American media. The people of Iowa have expressed their burning desire to live under the guidance of the Wise and Brilliant Leader and wish to defect to the Supreme Awesomeness of The Most Excellent Korean.

Impressed by the corn-growing prowess of The Greatest and Most Devoted Michael Jordan Fan, Iowans flocked to the polls in an effort to free themselves from oppressive American tyranny. The Great Man, Who Is Not Really That Fat graciously accepted this new mandate to bring the divine perfection of communism to Iowa and has already formulated a perfect and infallible strategy to wrest this fertile land from the imperialist pigs.

Furthermore, The Inventor of a Better Mousetrap has announced that he will develop a new strain of corn in honor of this most auspicious occasion. According to a government spokesman, “The Unique and Differently Gifted Leader is anxious to begin the annexation of Iowa into the DPRK and plans to travel there next week, as soon as he returns from his weekend trip to Mars.”

The evil and untrustworthy American government refused to comment on this great victory for The Most Prodigious Consumer of Kimchi.

NORTH KOREA- On November 23rd, the nation of North Korea was nearly engulfed by the Pacific Ocean, becoming the most recent victim to rising sea levels this year. While most scientists have attributed this natural occurrence to melting ice caps and global warming, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il begged to differ, stating that he “often looks at the water, among many other things” and “had known for months that the Ocean was preparing to invade”.

Fearing the Pacific Ocean was attempting a coup, Kim began developing nuclear weapons in the 1990’s, eventually leading up to an active missile attack on the body of water in 2011, claiming that it was a “weapons test” gone awry. Over the next year, the leader developed his weapons using the latest advances in computer and Communist child labor technologies.

Believing that his arsenal is now ready for a full scale assault on the Pacific Ocean, Kim is threatening to use nuclear force unless the water withdraws immediately from North Korea. In response to the news of his threats, former U.S. Vice President and self-proclaimed Environmental Ambassador Al Gore reported “the threats against the Pacific Ocean . . . Kim Jong Il . . . global warming . . . America”.

Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuta also condemns the North Korean leader’s actions against the Pacific, having stated, “When Kim Jong Il fires his missiles into the ocean, all whales and dolphins will eventually be killed.” Fearing that his country will lose a valuable primetime spot on Discovery Channel’s hit show “Whale Wars”, Fukuta has asked the UN to intervene on Japan’s behalf. Meanwhile, the UN is still in deliberation about both why pictures of Kim Jong Il looking at things are so intriguing and whether they will let the United States intervene for them in yet another international conflict.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Scientists have observed the presence of single-celled organisms in Mexico, inviting speculation that the arid wasteland may have sustained life at some point in the past, and could possibly be colonized in the future.

Scientists were quick to caution against unbridled enthusiasm, noting that while thermal imaging has identified possible sources of water just under the surface, probe results have indicated that the soil is an estimated 40% benzoylmethylecgonine (cocaine) and 30% concentrated lead.

The new discovery has reinvigorated public fascination with the red-stained wasteland, the likes of which has not been seen since the science-fiction revival of the 2120s, when films such as The Sands of Mexico and The Angry Red Nation were blasted by critics for their poorly-implemented 3D effects, as well as their nonsensical stories, in which bloodthirsty “Mexicans” attempted to attack America.

Despite the influx of major discoveries over the past few years, many researchers believe that a manned mission to Mexico will remain an impossibility for the foreseeable future.

“The environment’s just too hostile,” explained EPA head Jeff Martin. “It would be a suicide mission. I know the public’s just aching to see man set foot on Mexico, but I must remind them that the last time we sent a team of researchers, in the 2070s, all five members of the crew were reported to have suffered spontaneous decapitation.”

AUSTIN, TX – The lifeless body of Ultra Jesus 3000 has been retrieved from a cross at the summit of Comanche Peak. The 33-month old robot, hailed as the messiah of a fringe religious cult, is suspected to have been tortured and killed by a group of fundamentalist Christians, though early reports indicate that most Texans intend to blame the Jews anyway.

The enigmatic robot has been shrouded in mystery since his date of programming, and many wild and varied reports of his creation have been brought forth in the hours since his death. Applian Fandomentalism, a maniacal cult dedicated to the worship of Apple computing products, was the first to widely recognize Ultra Jesus 3000 as a messianic figure, reminding many of AF’s rise to notoriety in the 2050s and 60s, when followers began seeing images of their mythical lord “The Almighty Jobs” on burnt pieces of toast and consumer electronics.

App-enthusiasts believe that Ultra Jesus 3000 was the result of an immaculate installation between The Almighty Jobs and a Mechanized Android RecYcling (MARY) unit on the Apple factory production line. As proof of Ultra Jesus 3000’s messianic capabilities, they point to many supposed miracles, including the miraculous debugging of virus-infested Windows-based robots, and the stunning conversion of DRM-protected .m4p files into MP3s.

Many others, however, do not accept Ultra Jesus 3000 as a viable messiah, pointing to a possible father figure, Apple employee Joey “Saint J” Bethlehem. A recovering addict and all-around degenerate, neighbors and close acquaintances say that they “would not be surprised” if Joey had been caught having sex with factory equipment again.

Apple Computers has announced a new line of robots to be produced in Ultra Jesus 3000’s image; titled Christ the Restarter, the full-size models will be fully functioning messiah-bots preprogrammed with all of Ultra Jesus 3000’s memories, beliefs, and mannerisms. The first complete unit is expected to rise in three days.

TRIPOLI – An autopsy performed on the body of Muammar Gaddafi revealed that the former Libyan premier died not from a gunshot wound as was originally believed but instead from blunt force trauma sustained when he tripped over the spelling of his own name. He promptly went tumbling down the stairs in his Sirte safe house, causing internal injuries from which he would not recover.

One of Gaddafi’s right hand men, Tarek Al-Abgari, confirmed this finding. “He was just standing at the top of the stairs, shouting ‘all power to Gaddafi!’ when he suddenly stopped. “’Or wait,’ I remember him saying, ‘is it GA-daffi or KHA-daffi with that hard throaty sound?’ As he contemplated this his legs began to wobble and we all began to worry for his safety.”

Al-Abgari claimed that he, along with Gaddafi’s other assistants, attempted to move in and steady their leader, but they failed when they too had to stop and contemplate the proper spelling of his name. “I was reading the New York Post the other day and they used ‘Khadafy,’” Al-Abgari remembers thinking, “and I had to ruminate about whether or not it was kosher to just substitute in the y at the end like that.”

Gaddafi finally lost his balance as he tripped over the symbols used in the written form of his name. “What is that squiggly thing over the second a in ‘Gaddafi,’” Al-Abgari remembers him saying, “and how do you pronounce the apostrophe in ‘Mu’ammahhaaaaaaaaahhoofowoofowuh—” Gaddafi could have been saved with immediate attention, but his aides were too busy attempting a Sporcle quiz that asked for every acceptable spelling of Gaddafi’s name and thus could not attend to their leader.

In other news, a Gaddafi sympathizer died of asphyxiation after the sounds of his choking were mistaken for a mourning cry of “Gaddafi!” and thus not given proper medical action.

JERUSALEM – Efforts to secure Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit’s release after five years of captivity hit an unexpected obstacle at the 11^th hour Tuesday morning. Israeli officials were up in arms over a $4.99 shipping and handling surcharge levied by Gaza militant leaders Hamas, reportedly threatening to issue a charge-back on the MasterCard if Hamas “continually refuse[d] to honor the original arrangement.” Despite threats of an Israeli walk-out, tensions were finally relieved as Hamas graciously agreed to waive the fee in exchange for the release of an additional 300 high-value prisoners.

Both sides were quick to claim victory following the exchange, and though I was refused an interview with Hamas officials, I witnessed much jubilant shouting and gunfire in Gaza, where released prisoners have been hailed as heroes, feted with gift bags of fertilizer and hydrogen peroxide.

“It’s time to get these men back to work!” one local explained merrily, playfully swinging gallon-jugs of bleach and ammonia. “The park is an absolute mess, and we need volunteers to clean it!”

In the border city of Ashdod, the mood was decidedly more somber as Talmud scholars held a summit on all that had transpired, seeking to provide solace to those left confused and scared by the day’s events.

“I really think we could’ve haggled it down to $3.49,” local grocer Moshe Rivlin cried tearfully. “How could our elected officials betray us like this?”

“Now, now, my friend, you’re looking at this the wrong way,” Reform rabbi Theodor Sharon exclaimed. “With their actions, Hamas has proved to the world their utter disregard for human life, even for their own soldiers! By equating 300 of their top men with a $4.99 fee, they’ve valued their own men as worth less than two cents each! The Palestinians will be outraged!” At this moment a new volley of gunfire and chanting could faintly be heard in the distance.

“Yes, they seem truly upset by this fact,” another rabbi observed.