COLUMBUS, GA — Trans fat gourmands across America rejoiced this past week upon hearing that Apollo Global Management LLC, the firm that bought the royal icing of the Hostess empire, the Twinkie, had plans to reopen bakeries and return many of the only semi-genetically modified treats to stores by mid-July. The largest obstacle in resuming production, though, according to Apollo CEO C. Dean Metropolous (besides, of, course, ever looking at a Twinkie again now that he knows what’s in them) will be avoiding the union-related conflicts that shut down the crème-based conglomerate in the fall. But Metropolous has a plan.

“It was a big question, really,” the new CEO said. “How can I hire people to make an alarming product, pay them less than minimum wage, and still not have to worry about anyone complaining or slacking off? And then it hit me: Keebler elves. They’ve been making Chips Deluxe in fudgeshoppe conditions for years and no one has said a word.”

Metropolous went as far as to meet with head elf, Ernest J. Keebler, to discuss his business model. “Ernie said he was able to pay his elven workers in mainly rainbows and smiles,” he explained, “and I really don’t see why that plan can’t work at bakeries in Georgia and Ohio.”

The North American Crème Fillers Association and Confectionery Sugar Dusters International were outraged by Metropolous’ decision to employ elven labor. “We will not stand to see our jobs outsourced to elves!” rallied CSD President Bernie Gustavson at the group’s bi-annual Honey Bun brunch. “No one knows high-calorie and low-quality baked goods like midwestern Americans!”

Representatives from both groups collaborated to write an appeal to Little Debbie, but she was hesitant to take action and advocate for the displaced confectioners after a rumored love triangle between her, Famous Amos, and the Quaker Oats guy scandalized her reputation earlier this year.

Eager to implement the new, hyper-efficient, magic-based production scheme, Metropolous was disappointed to learn that most of the elves were contractually bound in lifetime service to Keebler by a ceremonial toadstool dance. He says he is currently in the process of looking for other mythical creatures willing to work for less than a living-wage, and thought he’d made a break through when he thought of Oompa Loompas. “Imagine my dismay,” said the CEO, “when the rest of the board said I was just showing them pictures of guidos.”

PRAGUE, CZECH REP. — Czech Prime Minister Petr Nečas announced at a special press conference today that his government has decided to provide $2 billion worth of maps for the tragically geographically challenged U.S. schoolchildren.

“We see it as a moral duty to extend a helping hand to countries whose education about the rest of the world has frozen in a woeful state. The least we can do is provide the necessary tools for the poor American kids to at least be able to distinguish Czech Republic, a central European country and a U.S. ally, and Chechnya, an integral part of the Russian Federation located some 2000 miles to the east from here.” The head of the Czech government added, “That is a difference every highschooler should know.”

According to Mr. Nečas, the event that finally convinced him to offer aid to the grossly undereducated American populace was when he asked his ambassador in the United States, Petr Gandalovič, to explain the difference to Americans in writing.

Mr. Nečas said, “That was indeed the final blow. When George Bush made all those Austria and Australia mix-ups, when Sarah Palin said Africa was a country, all we did was laugh about it, because somewhere deep in our hearts, we still believed they could have been joking. But when tweets mistaking our country for a province of a country on a different continent began turning up, we realized that the responsible thing to do was to actually help these benighted souls. Never again should U.S. president be heard speaking about the border relations between Canada and Mexico, or a vice president, when talking about Hugo Chavez, exclaim that ‘The people of Peru deserve better.’”

When asked about whether this generous batch of foreign aid was the right thing to do in a time of fiscal austerity, Czech President Miloš Zeman rejoined, “It is an investment worth the money, since it answers the oldest, most ardent wish of the world towards America, the wish that they would GET A FUCKING MAP!”

LEVERKUSEN, GERMANY — Citing huge untapped markets in the lucrative “Human Rights Abuses” subfield of their R&D division, pharmaceutical giant Bayer announced today that it would resume production of Cyanide-based gas Zyklon B, 57 years after former chairman Fritz ter Meer was convicted of slavery and mass murder charges for his collaboration with Nazi officials.

Company spokesman Jonas Trumbauer delivered the news to investors as part of the company’s quarterly financial call:

“Recent developments in Syria and North Korea have led us to conclude that the only way to remain competitive amidst a slowing global economy is to resume production of one of our historically best-selling products. Although some backlash from the environmental community is to be expected, we hasten to remind all critics that when used correctly, Zyklon B does not produce any long-term side effects.”

“Don’t lump us in with those dicks at Monsanto, with their Agent Orange cancer and birth defects epidemic.”

Bayer shares immediately rose following the news, ending the day almost 8% higher thanks to rumors that the entire first-run supply had already been completely bought out by representatives of Bashir al-Assad and Kim Jong-Un’s governments. North Korean prison camp administrators gushed to Chinese state-run media about their excitement at being equipped with the same gas that Bayer’s parent company IG Farben once provided to German concentration camps.

“We are forever indebted to our wondrous partners at Bayer,” General Yoon Gyeong wrote. “The re-education of those opposed to Dear Leader is so much less tiring with the aid of German efficiency. Before this glorious date we were limited to mere shovels and pick-axes, and my biceps would ache after the 50th re-education of the day.”

Refusing to be outdone, rival biotech firm Monsanto made its own controversial announcement hours later. The industry titan’s shares hit record highs after an executive VP shared plans to cut out the middle man and just rebrand as a paramilitary death squad.

In the wake of the death of late Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, The Flipside has reached out to public figures for their thoughts on the life, loves, and legacy of the former dictator.

Fidel Castro – Hugo was a dear comrade of mine in the struggle against the tyranny of the United States. I recall many a time when he would come to Cuba for “cancer treatment,” and we would demonize the rich for hours. He had this one guy, who used to be a high-level banker or something, that travelled with him everywhere. So he would come over to my casa, and we would toss little centavos at this guy for hours! Jajajajaja! Oh Hugo, no one could ever replace you as my partner in mockingly throwing small change at the fallen bourgeoisie. Ah, mi amigo, mi amor, you will be missed.

Kim Jong-Un – I would like to start by saying that I never had the pleasure of meeting Hugo, but we followed each other on Twitter, so I feel fairly qualified to contribute my thoughts. I will sorely miss his direct messages at 2 AM, followed by at least seven drunken Snapchats. I mean, what gives you better insight into someone’s life than inebriated Snapchats? There was this one night where he sent me 20, each one sent 37 seconds after the last. I swear, they told the most beautiful story of a pants-ing and subsequent repants-ing that has ever been portrayed through the medium of social-media photography. And don’t even get me started on the empanada recipe that he gave me! I’m going to miss that man.

Martin Scorsese – When I first saw him, I simply thought, “he’s perfect.” Rising from such humble beginnings to become the President of Venezuela? Amazing! To be honest, I’m not sure how his experience with clock repair or passion for the original magic of cinematography was relevant to his presidency, but he made it work. He’s also gotten much tanner and a great deal more rotund since he was a child, but I guess old age can do that to some people, eh? Hugo was one of the greatest stories I’ve ever had the pleasure to tell, and it would not have been possible without his inspiring story: growing up an orphan, living alone in a train station except for the company of a non-functional semi-humanoid robot, and then finally moving to Venezuela and inspiring an entire country. Hugo was truly an inspiration, and I am proud to have worked with him so closely while it was still possible.

CARACAS, VENEZUELA — Former NBA star Dennis Rodman teared up earlier today during a press conference, revealing the deep personal connections he had with the late Hugo Chavez, the former President of Venezuela.

“I’m at a loss for words right now,” Rodman said between sniffles. “I used to travel to Venezuela every summer so Hugo and I could play golf. He was a great leader, and more importantly a great friend.”

Chavez and Rodman’s relationship was based on a deep sense of mutual respect between the two public figures. Rodman tried to emulate Chavez’s leadership skills on the court, and Chavez mimicked Rodman’s flamboyant personality and his “don’t take shit from nobody” attitude in his presidency.

Chavez always relied on Rodman for any communication he wanted to convey to the United States, and Rodman always urged Clinton, Bush, and Obama to set up talks with Chavez. “Hugo and I would do anything for each other. I put him in contact with the White House, and he would tell me if my hair looked cool,” said Rodman.

At press time, Kim Jong Un was reportedly jealous of the two’s long-lasting friendship; he tweeted at Rodman, threatening to use his nuclear bombs on both Venezuela and the United States if Rodman didn’t “come hang out more.”

VATICAN CITY — Thursday, February 28th marked a monumental day for the Roman Catholic Church, as Pope Benedict XVI switched his red loafers for burgundy and became the first Pope to cede the papacy since the Middle Ages. Prior to his official retirement, the College of Cardinals voted to award Benedict with honorary title of Pope Emeritus, to which Benedict responded, “It’s the least they could do, but I’ll take it. The whole time I was Pope, those tightwads in the CoC wouldn’t give me funding for a project that I wanted to do on Mary Magdalene. Now that I’ve got tenure, I’m devoting my research to her and Queen Esther.”

“Besides that though,” Benedict continued in a private interview with The Flipside, “it’s just such a relief not to worry about teaching Sunday School anymore. I gotta tell you, Bishops are the worst. They skip Mass, and then have the nerve to email me on the Sabbath asking if I’m going to upload the standard deviation for their Leviticus exams on ChristBoard. And after all that, half of them give me bad PopeTECs.”

Some have criticized the decision to award the former Pope with the Emeritus honor, arguing that it is unlikely Benedict will ever publish; the Vatican’s main journal hasn’t published a new article since Revelations (DOI: Bible).

Nevertheless, many administrators and faculty members support the honor. “You should have seen the way he handled teaching Basic Morality 101 on our satellite campus in Mexico last spring,” said TA Felipe Calderón. “That must have been the most disruptive group of students the Church has seen since the Reformation. He’s earned this.”

Friends of Benedict—or Ratty Joe if you swing by his office with a six-pack of Holy Water—say the Pope Emeritus celebrated his first night in retirement “kickin’ back with some Cardinals,” before jet-setting off to ritzy resort Castel Gandolfo to blow off some of his bonus. His “sabbatical” will last until renovations are done on his new pad, since he’s no longer required to be faculty-in-residence at the Vatican dorms.

Administrators addressed younger Bishops who were disappointed they’d never gotten to take Mass with the Pope prior to his retirement, saying he’ll likely give a sermon series every few years. “Yeah,” responded first-year Priest Bobby Fadden, “but I bet you’ll need to be an Archbishop to have a good enough registration time on PONTIUSPILATE to get in.”

ROME — Italian and international fans alike are buzzing with anticipation for the premier of MTV Italy’s The Real World: Rome.

New housemates Snooki and Chef Boyardee were both eager to start their new adventure. Snooki described it, “Oh my GAWD, like, I am just super ready to get to the house and, like, go to the club, and just get totally wasted and smush some hot Italian gorllas, since baby Lorenzo is with my mom in Poughkeepsie and what Jionni don’t know won’t hurt him, hollaaaa.” This will be Snooki’s first trip to Italy since her completely uncontroversial and definitely arrest-free trip with The Jersey Shore.

Chef Boyardee echoed Polizzi’s enthusiasm, stating his desire to “meet some new friends and a-cook them some a-spicy ravioli.” However, he also expressed some concerns about the higher costs of cooking in Italy, since the EU has all those “a-stupido laws” about horsemeat.

Meanwhile, anonymous staffers have leaked details about some of the show’s inevitable drama. Pope Benedict XVI will reportedly “pull an Angelina” and leave the show midway through episode seven, yelling in Latin, “When you said I would be living in a house with six young people, I imagined something different.”

Rumored to replace Pope Benedict is Italian soccer star, Mario Balotelli, the mohawked A.C. Milan striker. If this is the case, viewers can expect Balotelli to enjoy many nights of drunken debauchery with club owner, media mogul, world champion tax defrauder, and fellow cast-member Silvio Berlusconi. The two-day season premiere on Sunday and Monday promises to be a real nail-biter, as Berlusconi finds out if he gets to reclaim his former job as Prime Minister and Italy’s hardest partying politician when Italians vote on whether to preserve corruption, underage sex, and fascism as national pastimes.

One thing is certain: if the cast lives up to their reputations, audiences everywhere can expect lots of “bunga-bunga” parties and many smush sessions; let’s just hope Berlusconi’s guests are old enough not to ask Chef Boyardee for alphabet soup.

VATICAN CITY — With Pope Benedict XVI resigning this week to focus on his rap career, the Vatican is scurrying to find a worthy replacement. However, due to the cost of the Church’s golden and elaborate hats, the Papacy’s finances are in trouble. As a result, the Vatican is pushing for more affirmative action to obtain grants from organizations advocating for racial equality worldwide.

The first choice for Pope is a man from Ghana, Cardinal Peter Kodwo Appiah Turkson. When questioned for comment, Bishop Mel Gibson said, “Look man, there’s a lot of qualified candidates but they’re frankly not exotic enough. As you know, if social change comes about, religious institutions wait at least 50 years before catching up with everyone else. Plus, Pete is a bit more ‘urban’ and the kids love that these days.”

The possibility of a black Pope has many people upset. Jeb Parker, a disgruntled gas station attendant from Mississippi, expressed his outrage: “Thanks to Obama, even God is laying people off. Now we want somebody who looks just like him to be Pope?”

NFL Quarterback and first non-Catholic Cardinal Tim Tebow expressed discontent at the possibility of affirmative action. “This is ridiculous, I know I totally have better stats than that guy and I bet my Wonderlic is higher too. They’re just taking him because he’s black—it’s like college apps all over again.” When asked if the new nominee may just be more qualified than him, Tebow, who is writing a new book about his experience as a victim of affirmatie action, responded by silently taking a knee.

It will be tough for the Vatican to choose someone worthy in the coming weeks. Not only would the new Pope be in charge of leading a people backwards, but he would also have to be excellent at covering up sexual assault cases. The only other institution with a history of consistently having leaders that fit the bill is Notre Dame University.

ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN — The world was stunned last week when the Pakistani government announced its plans to fund a $30 million amusement park in the small military town where Osama Bin Laden was killed. Yesterday, the Pakistani Department of the Interior released more details about the park, including the park’s main attractions, which are printed below:

Osama’s Fun Compound – Combining elements of both carnival fun houses and Halloween haunted houses, visitors will be able to explore a reconstructed version of Bin Laden’s compound. The attraction will feature an animatronic Bin Laden popping up in various rooms, yelling, “I have returned!”

Six Seal Water Show – Visitors will be able to attend a water show featuring a highly skilled team of six seals. After years of rigorous training, these animals will fly helicopters and demonstrate their marksmanship.

Drone Drop Slide – American donors funded this ride, in which park visitors will wear virtual reality goggles that simulate the experience of going down a large slide. Halfway down the slide, the slide turns into an airplane, and riders can conduct surveillance or drop bombs on the Pakistani countryside.

72-Virgin-Merry-Go-Round – This attraction is promised to play on all the various meanings of “ride.”

Hide-in-Plain-Sight-and-Seek – Designed for children, this area of the park is filled with stuffed animals, toys, and play equipment. Meanwhile, parents will stand just a few yards away from the children, supposedly looking for them but failing to see them.

Stone the Adulterer – In this carnival game, visitors can exact holy justice by stoning to death a local adulterer. After the bloody corpse is tossed aside, the successful participant wins a bear.

Shoe Throwing – Another carnival game, this attraction gives prizes to players who can throw their shoes at the heads of various world leaders.

Details have not yet been released about several other rides, including the Tower of Terror and Dick Cheney’s Water Board Adventure.

BEIJING — After using advanced infiltration techniques to target The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal in a “cyberattack,” the Chinese government is refocusing its aggressive Internet policy on The Northwestern Flipside.

China views the insightful coverage the publication gives to Northwestern University campus life as invaluable information on the unpatriotic activities of international students. Fortunately, the Chinese plan was thwarted by the professional security provided by WordPress and no information was leaked.

Other on-campus publications were also targeted in the Chinese attack. After reading dozens of emails between writers for The Northwestern Chronicle, the only useful information found were several dozen of pictures of a shirtless Paul Ryan. A hack of Sherman Ave yielded, “soft core porn… and a shower beer,” according to an anonymous inside source.

Unsatisfied with the sub-par material provided, China is reportedly looking to crash the Northwestern University Chamber Orchestra concert next week as well as Tech’s next job fair, both of which expect to draw a large number of Chinese students. China’s Defense Ministry is acting on reports of international students learning to use Facebook, but is considering abandoning the project after reading such “shitty content on that Jennifer Lawrence fan page.”