“It is tragic how far Greece has fallen as a country. One day you’re on the cutting edge of research, inventing groundbreaking formulas involving triangles and circles, and the next you’re doing keg stands 7 nights a week at various clubs across the Euro-Russian border,” explained French Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy.

Greece’s father, Zeus, has come to his son’s defense pleading that Greece “is a good kid” and “just needs time to find himself”. Zeus himself is recently coming off a scandal in which it was revealed he provided former USC running back Reggie Bush with an autographed 300 poster in exchange for front row seats to a Trojans football game.

Greece’s next court appearance will be October 24th, when the nation is expected to plead not guilty to grabbing Belgium’s ass in a local Denny’s. Rumors are spreading that neighboring Turkey is in talks to provide the bail in exchange for a free lifetime supply of gyros.

“I just knew my business was turning around when I landed on Indiana Avenue,” the wheelbarrow commented. “Seriously, there are now three stunningly beautiful houses here! Who wouldn’t want to stay in one of them and pay me $700 to spend the night here?”

The wheelbarrow also owns Park Place (but not boardwalk), St. James Place, and St. Charles Place. “He sure has a lot of places,” enviously remarked the thimble.

In addition, the wheelbarrow has not one, not two, but THREE of the four railroads. “I was sure excited when the dog accepted $200 and the electric company for the Short Line. Now I only need B&O Railroad and I’ll have the set!”

In a surprising twist of events, the wheelbarrow rolled a three, advancing from the Water Works to Pacific Avenue, part of a monopoly owned by the money bag. This reduced the wheelbarrow’s assets from $1300 to $25. “That’s ok!” said the wheelbarrow with a cool calmness only seen on entrepreneurs sure to succeed. “I’m about to pass go and collect $200. I mean, there is NO chance I’ll roll a three again next turn and visit the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue and be forced into bankruptcy. It’s absolutely impossible.”

As the game entered its fourth straight hour, the racecar rolled doubles three times in a row and went to jail. “Guess I was speeding,” he remarked.

At press time, no winner has yet been reported.

When pressed for technical details, bassist Derek Smalls energized investors and stockholders by highlighting their “gig experience” and vowing to ensure 11G stays “faster and louder with more gigs.” The band has already prepared for rival carriers racing to catch up. “Even if they went up to 10 or whatever, where can you go from there? Nowhere. Exactly, see – it’s one more,” said Tufnel at a press conference. All 11G users will receive unlimited free downloads of Spin̈al Tap’s breakthrough album, “Smell the Glove.”

San Francisco, deemed one of America’s 100 fattest cities in 2010 by Men’s Health, immediately put a hold on all imports of Happy Meal toys.

“We already had several warehouses full of toys for local restaurants,” said importer/exporter Art Vandelay. “With the new law, it will take years to get rid of all these toys. We simply had no choice but to stop importing all plastic products from China.”

Due to the enormous amount of fast food consumed in San Francisco, Chinese imports to the entire U.S. dropped by ninety percent.

Clearly, this has economic ramifications for both nations, but China in particular has been left in limbo. “Perhaps we shall take this as a sign we should stop artificially inflating the value of our currency,” said the country’s economic leader, Wen Jiabao, insinuating that the San Francisco law was part of a greater plan to sanction China for its economic policies. “The stress among our oppressed laborers of potentially losing their jobs could cause riots demanding freedom and equal rights.”

Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the Federal Reserve, was not happy either. “This decision will decrease the business fast food franchises receive, resulting in layoffs of working Americans. This recession is not the time to worry about the health of our children.”

“Forbes is first and foremost a financial publication,” explains Michael Lowe, chief editor of the magazine, “In our rankings, the most important factors are projected future earnings and employment rates of graduates.  The NU Qatar campus exhibited poor statistics in both.”

Indeed, statistics do not lie.  At first glance, a 90% graduate-employment rate from the satellite campus seems impressive; however, of those jobs, 60% required employees to be proficient in ass-wiping, while the only requirement for 23% of the jobs is to “knowing how to make a good cup of Joe.”  In contrast, DAAEW boasts a 100% graduate-employment rate and lands alumni in positions that offer immediate real-world experience at high salaries.

“According to Gallup, people hate America more every day,” an DAAEW spokesperson cited, “and that hatred, combined with constant openings in the field of suicidal bombing, creates a booming business that allows a top-notch weapons academy to attract the best candidates around the world.”

Bob Jones, student currently enrolled in DAAEW, tells his story.  “I graduated from the Medill school of journalism and spent a year in Qatar.  But after graduation, the only place that offered me a job was Fox News.  I didn’t want to be stereotyped as that type of person, so I made a personal choice to enroll in DAAEW.  It was the best decision of my life.”

To commemorate Bell’s contributions to society, Tricon Global has developed a special burrito for limited release at select Taco Bells in accordance with his last will and testament. The eighty-six cent burrito will contain sour milk (dubbed “Sour Cream*” by the company), “lettuce,” a gordita, American cheese, salmonella, and pieces of the founder, Glen Bell.

“We are excited,” stated Tricon CEO, Tomas Billingsberg. “This is some of the best meat we have served in years.” The special burritos are being advertised under a slogan that reads: “Why eat a dog who did nothing for society, when you can eat the man who brought you Taco Bell?” Market researchers have already declared that the product tests incredibly well with the company’s focus groups, especially drunk college kids, stoners, and high-schoolers bored out of their minds.

Talk has circulated that his blood will go to flavor special edition Frutista freezes, but Billingsberg would neither confirm nor deny the validity of the speculation.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average jumped 38 points after Richman requested the schedule change; officials at Butner Federal Correctional Complex in Raleigh reported that inmate Bernard Madoff let out a “disturbingly evil laughter” at the same moment.

When prompted for an explanation to this sudden change of heart, Richman responded simply saying “Well, I only signed up for that ethics class to get distribution credit.”

“I’m not really that surprised,” reported Jane McLynn, a junior majoring in economics who briefly contemplated taking an ethics course while “completely stoned” last winter. “Why would any econ major choose ethics over an econ seminar? Business schools probably hate those classes.”

Researchers at Kellogg School of Management were able to calculate that after dropping out of the ethics course, Richman will potentially be able to increase his personal worth by approximately $15,623. The research team noted that the ethics course could have resulted in lost opportunities in the financial sector and a “general loss of drive and self-importance.”

The move has so far triggered no protests other than from Richman’s roommate, McCormick sophomore Jack Enghoff, who lost his “alone time” as a result of Richman’s schedule change.

“The fast in ‘fast food’ stands for how quickly you will lose weight,” said now-dead Taco Bell President Glenn Bell. He died of unknown causes, though an autopsy revealed a suspicious amount of guacamole in his lungs, liver, and gall bladder.

The Taco-Bells and whistles of the diet focus on each of the food groups. The Seven-Layer Diet Burrito is simply a quesadilla wrapped in a chalupa — enveloped by a taco — covered with a tortilla — all melted together by layers of cheese, guacamole, and sour cream. It probably has all the food groups covered. It has only 7 kg of fat.

Christine Dougherty, who attributes her recent 50-pound weight loss to the new dish, is the spokesperson behind the campaign.

“Running ten hours a day, refusing to sit down, and constantly chewing celery had little to do with my weight loss when compared to the 7-layer burrito,” says Dougherty, who is as logical a spokesperson as Tiger Woods is for E-Harmony.  

Still, health experts warn that you might want to think outside the burrito.

“As much as people enjoy Taco Bell’s authentic recreation of Mexican cuisine,” says anti-social University of Chicago health professor Anita Bagel, “the restaurant’s reliance on pesticides and the tears of Organic Chemistry students would make me slightly skeptical about the new product.”

“It just doesn’t seem as real to me as Avatar,” Bagel added. “McDonald’s has that market cornered.”

The plush animals, a fad from 1997, were snatched up by rabid consumers and hoarded as rare collector’s items, despite having been as readily available as water. Many cited the future potential value of the mass produced toys as the justification for the frenzy.

In a recent exclusive interview, the new mogul offered a glimpse into the astute business management that landed her the deal. “Don’t touch the tag. If you touch the tag, you’re going to ruin it. Snort [the bull] is going to be worth twice as much some day. That’s what I always told my grandkids.” Smith’s discipline paid off.

She recently began hosting a new show on MSNBC to reach out and guide her new followers. “The window on the Beanie market is closing, but I see the Pokemon segment growing more bullish every day. Snorlax is strong, Squirtle is stale, but Charmander is white-hot. Sell sell sell! We’re all in Pokemon Stadium, you’re Ash, and the opportunities are flying around – you gotta catch ‘em all.” Financial experts are praising the 83-year-old widow’s razor-sharp predictions, and expect her sound advice to lead the U.S. economy back to stable ground.

“When you’ve spent years creating a clusterfuck economy through reckless lending,” waxed Wells Fargo trader Steven Terin, “sometimes all you need is grandma’s good ol’ common-sense advice to fix it.”

“We overextended ourselves. We dug too many dirt paths throughout the city and now we have to pay for them,” explained CCD Deputy Daniel Boone Heade, whose grandsire was the celebrated American pioneer. Many a student are finding the hike in cost inexcusable. “I smell a rat. My ma and pa don’t give me enough bank notes as it is. How is I supposed to travel now?” asked Morgan Alleghany, an English major at Northwestern.

Moreover, the CCD’s engorged carriage fare has reminded Northwestern students that they still have not been issued a UBuggy pass, which would allow them free transportation to Chicago and entrance into famous museums and theatres (set to be built soon).

“One of the main reasons we all came here was that Chicago is so close to Evanston. You can horse and buggy it to a major city in a little over a fortnight!” etched student Johnston Maplebury onto his wall. He said he believed the university should encourage its students to get out of this “ghost town only known for its varied cuisine.”

The CCD suggested Northwestern create its own line of free transportation carriages to bring students to Chicago and back. University officials said they will look into this, as well as a Pony Frostbite Express for cold winter nights.