Oh shit! This is really shitty music man. How long have I been out here? It’s only 1:34? Man, she’s been singing with that piano for the longest damn time. This music sucks! She’s hot though, so it’s ok. Wait, no, I think I’m starting to lose my buzz. She’s not as attractive now. I’m not as attractive now. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Run back to the house, ok, jungle juice…no. Bud light…no. Ah, here it its, Smirnoff [gulp] ahhhhh no chasers. Damn it, I’ll use the water cup from bear pong this morning. Wait, not sanitary. Oh, but the alcohol will kill off any bacteria in my system, so it’s cool.

Alright, back to the lakefill [music: and I hear all this music, and it breaks my heart, and it breaks my heart, and it breaks my hear hear hear hear hear hear hearaaaartttt]. SHIT! Why are they still playing this bullshit. It’s killing my buzz. SO BORING! I’d rather go see Sex and the City 2. Wait no I wouldn’t. What time is it now? 1:48? Damn it! When the fuck does Drake get here? WHAT??? No Drake? …Nelly? Not until 9:00pm? What the fuck am I supposed to do until then? Do you realize how much I’m going to have to drink to keep from pulling her off the stage and yelling at those Mayfest kids? Survey my ass. I didn’t fill out any God damn survey!

Oh, well, I guess it’s not that bad, free pizza is going to be giv-…what? They’re out of pizza? Already? Shit! [music: I hear in my mind, all of these voices] Is she seriously still singing? If she doesn’t stop soon, I may go into a rage coma! Okay, keep your cool. It will all be ok once I get some pancakes. Huh? Pancakes were served this morning? SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!

By An Actual Drunk Man*

So its been a great dfay. It’s been fucking difficult trying to login to write this ariticel.   I mena so what if my password was wrong the first threew times shouldnty i still be able to use my free speech. Its the first ammendment.  I shall not be silenced by the password code.  What was i writing abouyt?  of yeah dillo day.  Dydude we dont evewn have any armadillos here .  ity should have been called like fricken squirrel or rabbit day. That would make sense.  but this armadillo day? are we supposed to curl ui[ into a little ball are run away?  IO say no.  We should fighty back and show how the world should be.  The armadillos are not better than us, we are better than them.  ANd we wiull prove it when the war begins.  Man vs armabillos.

But the bands and singers that we have here are chill, like regina, mash brtos, guster (where di they come from?) and Ne;;y (if you want to take a ride with me) are good choices.  It was a great day.  WHAT? OKAY! YEAH! some little wayne  for ya.  MY head itches i want to scratch it biut it doesnt feel any better.  I might be sweating a litle bit.  I’m hungry be right back.

I grabbed some yogos cuz they are delicious and they make me ghappy.  Apple flavored.  MMMMMM.  I tried to word count this but i am not on wordx so it didnt work.  All done with my yogos.  I’m still itchy on my head. Ne3ver drunk text a girl.  especially if you like her and she doesnt know it.  It ends poorly trust me.   With that in mind i bid you all a godo day and reminber to enjoy yourselves because you only get one life to live. P{eace out homies.

Yours from the bobb mchiulloch

JSC (should i put my name?) too late

*Seriously, he was not sober when this was written. Don’t frown, he’s over 21.

EVANSTON – Almost a dozen Northwestern country music fans were in disarray this past Tuesday when they learned of Mayfest’s final performer, rapper Rhymefest. Cramped into a booth at a nearby diner, the handful of fans nursed their disappointment with cheap whiskey: for the 38^th time, their favorite performers were snubbed. Said Cletus Owens, a Junior transfer from Arkansas Agriculture and Whining, “I thought for sure we could pull off Rascal Flatts, maybe even Hank Williams Jr.. But Rhymefest? He ain’t country.”

The group has campaigned for nearly forty years to bring a country music artist to Northwestern’s campus. However, Mayfest has continually shut them down citing, “very few hicks at Northwestern” and a desire to invite bands, “that anyone outside of the NASCAR contingency has heard of.” The Country Music Fans association made waves last week, when they fired shotguns skyward, misinterpreting Country Grammar to be an epithet against their culture. They have since apologized, issuing the statement: “Nelly ain’t a common name where we are from.”

For months, Mayfest has adamantly insisted that a country music act would be a poor choice. Michael Gebhardt, a Co-Chair for Mayfest, told us that the group tried to take Northwestern’s demographics into account. “That’s why we got Nelly. He really represents the Northwestern community. It’s about struggles.” He then added, “And with Regina, we have no room to add another immensely unpopular act.”

EVANSTON – Neil Byers, a SESP junior, was ridiculed for the entirety of Dillo Day for wrapping a large ACE bandage around his head in anticipation for the performance of rapper Nelly. “This is his ‘thing’, right?” asked Byers to a throng of chuckling students, “I went to a boarding school from 6th to 8th grade, so I really missed the whole ‘Nelly’ fad.”

Byers explained that when he heard Nelly was headlining Dillo Day, he made sure he wouldn’t be left out of the camaraderie. “I asked my friend for his ACE bandage right away, but I didn’t think he’d just give it to me. With Nelly coming to town I thought they’d be in high demand, but my friend was like, ‘uh…sure dude.’ I’ve been getting weird looks all day today,” he continued, “ and it’s probably because this thing really smells like shit.”

The Chicago native is always up on the signature accessories of various artists. “I made sure to wear my prescription sunglasses to the U2 show I went to, so I could look just like Bono. Then, when KISS swung by, I brought out the red war paint. I love being hip like all the other people in this city.”

Meanwhile, freshman Keisha Green was similarly ridiculed for wearing a neck brace during the Nelly set. She should regain a full range of motion in her body within 3 weeks.

1. He got hit when he let loose his “Pimp Juice”
2. He wasn’t paying attention when the ump said “Batter Up”
3. It got a little rough when she went over to “My Place”
4. “Tip drill” gone bad
5. “Ridin’” with an Axe Murderer
6. Angry Redneck attacked him for correcting his “Country Grammar”
7. Cut himself opening the only copy sold of “Brass Knuckles”
8. To cover up the scuff mark when he was kicked in the face by some “Air Force Ones”
9. Got a little too close to her “Tail Feather”
10. Burnt himself testing out “Grillz”

HOLLYWOOD – NBC executives announced today the launch of a brand new drama which will debut next fall. It’s called 24: Lost and will focus on a protagonist, Shepherd Bauer who tries to prevent terrorist attacks on a strange island. According to producers, the drama will feature numerous twists and turns which will shock the audience like nothing they have ever seen before.

The Flipside has obtained a leaked script for an episode from the first season which surely serves as an indication for what to expect from this breakthrough drama. Without giving too much away, we can tell you that a scientist from the DTN (Dharma Terrorist Network) tries to smuggle a nuclear bomb onto the island and threatens to detonate it unless they can take hostage President of the Others Omar Widmore. If the bomb explodes, the island might spiral into a sideways universe 10 years into the future which may or may not represent purgatory.

Bauer will lead numerous dangerous missions to extinguish threats with the technical support of CTU: Island and his trusted friend Chloe Austin. Bauer will be assisted by his number two in command Cole Reyes, who may have a propensity for the word “dude” and have a secret affair with an ex-convict turned spy for the DTN: Libby Walsh. Other than the DTN, CTU will have to deal with a smoke monster which can override aerial drones and will face the threat of an EMP being detonated at their Orchid headquarters which would render it useless unless it can be stopped by an electromagnetically immune character named Arlo Hume.

NBC executives are tremendously optimistic that the show will be a big success for the network, following in the footsteps of other NBC hits like the Marriage Ref, The Jay Leno Show, The Biggest Loser, and Minute to Win It. “We believe 24: Lost will bring an entirely new experience to television” said NBC executive Mort Zuckergood. “Its originality should bring great results and help it develop a strong fan base which will abandon their lives to spend hours and hours debating the underlying meanings of our plot-lines on blogs and websites.”

LOS ANGELES – In a press conference Tuesday, the management team for 32-year-old American musician John Mayer unveiled the next step in building his popularity.

“He must die,” manager Michael McDonald told the gathering. “With John’s untimely death in the coming year, we’re confident that he will be cemented right up there with all the greats of popular music. His current fans will become superfans, and those who once found him annoying will respect him as having been ‘actually pretty talented.’ It’s simply the right thing to do.”

The move comes after a 2-year-long research initiative undertaken by Mayer’s publicity agency in New York, NY. The data released by Ken Sunshine Consultants, Inc. reveal that Mayer occupies an extremely unique window of time in his career during which his untimely death would benefit him immensely. “History really guided us during this research,” remarked project manager Lucas Spangler, “and we see it over and over. The career boost afforded to Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison and a handful of others who expired unexpectedly is unparalleled. He has given us a couple respectable albums, but still isn’t quite overexposed. John is at the perfect place in his career to be taken from us.”

The study also utilized advanced computer modeling to analyze the potential for musicians who lived past their prime. “While it is clear that Michael Jackson was still immensely popular at the time of his recent death,” continued Spangler, “had he died right after the release of ‘Bad’ and before the weird stuff, his popularity would have been unprecedented. Also, Ringo would be much better off today had he been hit by a bus in 1970, but that’s fairly common knowledge.”

Mayer’s management team has already begun putting together his farewell tour for the coming season, with expected sold-out crowds across 30 performances. “I’m going to miss my fans, but this sudden death will secure my music and popularity for generations to come. I know it’s all for the best,” remarked Mayer in a press release. After his death, the value of souvenirs from the tour will skyrocket, and rock magazines will finally have a fresh figure to feed off of every week for the next 60 years.

Though it is not known precisely when or how Mayer will be killed off, the research panel recommended that it happen no later than age 33. “At 33 he’s still young and tolerated, but once he’s technically in his mid-30′s, he won’t be as cool.” Added Spangler, “Soon. Don’t worry.”

Magic – Enraged and confused, Ernie Dinkelberg, 38, told Flipside reporters on Monday that he is still frantically searching for an application to Hogwarts.

Dinkelberg, who proudly admitted to having read the Harry Potter saga 47 times, said that although he has pored over the series meticulously, he has resigned himself to the fact that J.K. Rowling never mentions where or when to obtain and submit applications.

“Do I know how to make the perfect Polyjuice Potion? Yes. Do I know how kill an adversarial wizard with an Unforgivable Curse without opening my mouth? Yes. I know Hogwarts is the school for me. I just have to apply,” said Dinkelberg.

Myrna Dinkelberg, Ernie’s mother, said that she is concerned about Ernie, but hopes he soon finds what he’s looking for.

“I’d rather have him in that Hogfarts place than in my basement, you know what I mean?” said Mrs. Dinkelberg. “I just want that loser out of my house.”

Ernie Dinkelberg has taken to waiting by his mailbox for 18-hour periods seven days a week, periodically opening the mail slot and peering inside.

“He needs to get a job,” said Mrs. Dinkelberg.

“The dude’s insane, man,” said Brett Miller, a neighbor of Dinkelberg. “Sometimes, just to screw with him, I’ll, like, leaves sticks and rocks in his mailbox and watch him freak!”

“It’s just like messing with my guinea pig, except way more awesome,” Miller added, while slowly rolling the “most epic fatty this side of the Mississippi”, officials confirmed.

“I just don’t understand,” said Dinkelberg, absently stroking the neck of his battered copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. “The Ministry of Magic has left several wands and sorcerer’s stones in my mailbox, obviously trying to hint they want me at their educational establishment. I just wish they’d be more specific about the application procedure.”

Dinkelberg said he understands that Hogwarts isn’t for everyone, and is determined to show his persistence and dedication to the school by continuing his search for an application.

“The kid is an idiot,” Mrs Dinkelberg noted, after downing her 7th shot of whiskey. “Why me? That’s what I’m curious about.”

Although he has yet to make any sort of progress whatsoever, Dinkelberg remains steadfast in his commitment to the school.

“People try to tell me that Hogwarts isn’t real,” said Dinkelberg. “But then I just tell them about Harry’s story. It’s an adventure so pure and mystifying — you can’t just make that stuff up, you know?”

HOLLYWOOD – The CW has announced that come this fall they will air a new show called My Problems, a sitcom about a rich white girl placed in a new environment. The creator hinted at plot points including the main character meeting mostly white friends with one minority represented, one of her male friends turning out to be gay, and a tough decision between two gorgeous men.

Nicole Gottlieb, a CW spokesperson, remarked: “We at the CW felt that we didn’t have enough shows targeted at the female pre-teenage and teenage audiences about the problems of pretty white girls.” Her response to further inquiry about One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl, 90210, Melrose Place, and Life Unexpected was a curt “Those don’t count.”

The only other show that was competing for this timeslot in the CW’s line up was a show called Tribulations about the troubles of a single father raising his kids in south central Los Angeles trying to teach them about honor and life and evading his past life as a drug dealer. Gottlieb explained the choice of My Problems over Tribulations, saying that “we don’t believe that there is an audience for shows with new ideas, real emotions, themes that people can relate to, or character development.”

The projected ratings for My Problems are off the charts. Gottlieb attributes this largely to the reliability of the CW’s most reliable viewers, the doctor’s-office-waiting-room demographic.

EVANSTON – With students at Northwestern’s hea-a-a-a-a-a-rts already broken in excitement for Regina Spektor, Mayfest announced its second headliner for 2010 Dillo Day: Rabbi Joseph.

Famous for songs like “Shabbat Shalom!”, “Dreidel, Dreidel,” and “Give Me a Fucking Break, Palestine,” Rabbi Joseph’s name was a hard-won prize for NU. As with Spektor, Hillel contributed a large portion of their vast funding received through various donations, matzah sales, and Ponzi schemes. At least thirty percent of campus is schvitzing with excitement; many others are converting.

“Dude, Rabbi Joseph knows how to play that shofar,” says sophomore and future crowd surfer Levi Maccabi.

With the canting of Rabbi Joseph, the “Kosher Kid,” also comes new Dillo Day activities. There will be a hamantaschen station, matchmakers, and a cultural center to explain what this shit means.

One small issue, critics say, is that Dillo Day takes place on a Friday, the Jewish day of challah. This problem was put to rest, as “Rabbi Joseph will be too fucking wasted to care that he is playing on Shabbat,” according his website.

However, not everybody on campus was pleased with the choice. Students like John Mark Matthews, a member of the Harmony, Spirits and Redemption acapella show, are crusading for a different artist.

“I’m tired of Hillel running campus,” says Matthews, a blonde-haired, blue eyed junior. “Rabbi Joseph hasn’t produced something good since his Pink Floyd pseudo-sequel The Western Wall.”