Many GOP politicians are shifting their support from Romney and Gingrich to Streep, due to the fact that she is not completely incompetent; she keeps a level head, she always effectively executes her roles, and she is not an indecisive idealist or a horny bastard.

As a highly respected actress, Streep already has a leg up on the competition.  Her undeniable class will bring honor back to the Republican Party, and many posit that her womanly strength will give the GOP the feminine angle that failed so completely with Sarah Palin back in 2008.

Streep already has the support of many Republican leaders.  An encouraging tweet sent Tuesday from Sarah Palin read “U go girl!!!! Just tell them what a maverick u r and the ppl will love u 4ever!!”.  Former president George W. Bush also voiced support, saying “Meryl Streep has the prudential to be the most beautiful President in the history of Amurrica.  But all seriousness aside, she would do a great job running the country”.

Streep wishes all the candidates good luck, and hopes to establish a grip on the country that rivals her grip on Anne Hathaway in the 2006 box-office hit The Devil Wears Prada.

As many students know, Mr. Thompson and Mr. Mitchell gained fame and fortune as co-founders of the Good Burger franchise, serving nutritious and well-balanced meals and smiles to nineties kids everywhere.  The pressures of fame and success, though, weighed heavily on Kel, ultimately leading to his highly publicized battle with substance abuse. In the spring of 1997 Kenan made the horrifying discovery that Kel had spent nearly all their yearly earnings on orange soda, which he had stored in one of the All That! prop warehouses.

“He said he was trying to establish a ‘Fanta Standard’” Kenan choked out in his E! True Hollywood Story, “you know, like the thing with gold and money, but I knew he had a problem.  Amanda Bynes and I tried to have an intervention, but there are some problems even dancing lobsters and Judge Trudy just can’t solve.”

Knowing he needed to get out of a destructive relationship while he still could, Mr. Thomson recouped what he could of his own investments in Good Burger ended the business and personal relationship which had been the basis of his initial stardom, drawing on the experience to give harrowing performances in such crtically-acclaimed films as Fat Albert and Snakes on a Plane.

Kel, on the other hand, is rumored to have drunk away his orange, fizzy life savings and slipped in to obscurity.

While a decade has passed since their tragic falling out, Kenan struggles to deal with his emotions around Kel’s downfall, and refrains from discussing his former best friend in public appearances.  “It’s still just too painful,” he told Diane Sawyer in an interview last year.  “Sometimes I’ll see a pickle or just some other burger topping, and I’ll think of the way he used to say ‘Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Goodburger, can I take your order?’ in his soothing way and I — I just get all choked up.” 

Kenan has also requested that the orange soda icon be blacked out in all of the Pick-Staiger vending machines while he is there.

On a happier note, perhaps the members of the NU community most excited for Kenan’s visit are those on the lady Wildcat Field Hockey Team, whom Mr. Thompson has promised to teach to shoot his famous “knuckle-puck,” which he used to defeat the Russians in D2: The Mighty Ducks.  “We’re hoping that if we master it,” team captain Jamie Stanton told Flipside, “other NU students will be aware that there actually is a women’s field hockey team.”

According to a joint Homeland Security/Wahlberg report, after single-handedly subduing terrorists aboard LA-bound Flight 11, Wahlberg would have paused to sign autographs and discuss how he “so should’ve won [an Academy Award] for Three Kings”. As the plane’s captains positioned their cabin above Flight 175 (also LA-bound), Wahlberg would have courageously leapt from plane to plane, presumably while shirtless.

Leaving a single terrorist alive long enough for questioning, Wahlberg would have barked “WHERE IS MY WIFE?!?!?” in the hijacker’s face before remembering that he was unmarried.

At this point Wahlberg would have radioed United Flight 93, ordering hijackers to surrender or “prepare for a world of pain”. A hasty landing would be made at JFK International Airport minutes later. Wahlberg would then arrive in LA just in time to accept an Oscar for The Departed, despite the film not premiering until 2006. His acceptance speech would bring the audience to tears.

Not all Al-Qaeda soldiers were enthused by the report, many challenging Wahlberg to an “Air Force One-off” on the actor’s private jet, a challenge which the actor eagerly accepted. Originally scheduled for early February, the hypothetical rematch has reportedly been pushed back so that Jason Statham can free up his schedule.

SEASIDE HEIGHTS — While culture critics have decried Jersey Shore as “inane,” the season premiere of the reality show has brought an important health issue facing young Americans to the public consciousness. In Italy, a country famous for its cold climate and harsh terrain, Mike, Vinny, Pauly D, and the rest of the cast have suffered from “tanorexia,” struggling to maintain an even burnt-orange base-coat last season. The seriousness of their condition first became apparent when Snooki spotted a freckle on JWOWW’s paling left forearm.

This loss of pigmentation left them with symptoms that Northwestern Psychology Professor James Whitesides likened to those of depression and common anxiety disorders.

“When major life changes disrupt a healthy routine such as frequent UV exposure in tanning beds,” Dr. Whiteside explained, “it’s not uncommon for even extremely well-balanced individuals, like Ronnie, for example, to experience symptoms which affect their ability to form healthy relationships, and may even cause them to appear emotionally unstable.”

Beyond the strain tanorexia can place on such a seemingly constructive relationship as Ronnie and Sam’s, many viewers saw the inner turmoil of Vinny Guandagnino as the most poignant evidence for the tragic consequences of the disease. Bloggers speculate that the reality star might even go as far as to move out of the shore house in order to deal with anxiety struggles Dr. Whitesides says can almost certainly be linked to the increasing bronze-tone depletion undergone by the show’s cast over the past season.

Here in Evanston, Northwestern students especially may want to keep the threat of tanorexia in mind as Winter Quarter progresses.

“I’ve been pale my whole life,” Jennifer Smith, a McCormick sophomore, shared. “My mom always made sure I wore SPF 45 on vacation, and sales associates at Sephora always advised me to go for the lightest shade of foundation, and I’m just really glad the cast on the show was able to convey the seriousness of tanorexia so that I can make informed decisions about my health in the future.”

As predicted by leading entertainment experts, this past week’s season premiere of Jersey Shore proved both thought provoking and socially relevant.

“What I like most about the show,” Smith told The Flipside, “is how much I relate to the characters. There just aren’t that many shows about real young people that deal with the issues that affect us right now.”

It was rough from the very beginning.  There was no build-up to create anticipation. I felt as if I was just thrown into the middle of a freakshow.  Everything was happening so fast. Still, I gave The Devil Inside countless chances to make me jump, but I didn’t scream once.

The cameraman kept getting in the way of the scenes, too.  The shaky cinematography didn’t help the rhythm of the events flow smoothly, and it was hard to focus on the performances.  I kept waiting for a climax, but it never came.

Father Joseph Green, whom I met at the event, claimed that “the Catholic church did not approve of this, but they wanted to send a representative to save the souls of those who attended”.  He then proceeded to take his almighty protection out of his pocket and put it on, while asking people if they’d like to visit him in his confessional.

The X-Men 3 director, whose soulless blockbuster films and derogatory comments against gays have earned him near-universal scorn, said that he sees nothing wrong with the Academy granting him the same degree of veneration and respect as they would to Alfred Hitchcock or Billy Wilder.

Per tradition, Ratner plans to schedule a “pre-awards” lunch with Joel Schumacher and Michael Bay so that they can synchronize ballots, research how many more “Transformers” movies it will take to buy a Gulfstream jet, and discuss how Steven Spielberg was “clearly phoning it in this year”. The sheer audacity and narcissism required for these men to publically weigh in on the best cinema of 2011 will be in careful accordance of the Academy’s professed mission: “To Stifle Creativity and Hire Billy Crystal”

Each year as he prepares his ballot, Ratner reportedly finds himself struck by the memory of betraying his original artistic vision for easy money and two Jackie Chan sequels. He typically attends a support group for filmmakers incapable of creating anything daring or controversial (The 69th Annual Golden Globes), but ever since Ricky Gervais began hosting, Ratner claims that he no longer feels appreciated.

“Every time [Gervais] looks in my direction I can tell he’s thinking: ‘Nah, too easy. Where’s Mel Gibson?’” Ratner explained, tearing up slightly. “Damn, that Hollywood millionaire really knows how to stick it to the man, huh?” Ratner regained his composure as we discussed his ballot choices.

“I’m probably going to nominate Gary Oldman for best actor,” Ratner confided. “I saw this great piece in TIME about how he really deserves his first Oscar for Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. I haven’t seen the movie. Or read the article. But the headline really stuck with me!”

Known for her unorthodox methods that generally revolve around an inability to portray human traits or emotions, Stewart has always credited her success to the techniques of method acting. Method acting, a practice first developed in New York theatres in the 1930s, involves deeply immersing oneself in the thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the portrayed character.

“I’m like, really good at most vegetables, and I can do furniture,” says Stewart. “However, Bella Swan has always been a challenge. I knew that I’d have some trouble fully portraying the character’s wide emotional range, so I decided to try out a different kind of role in preparation for the epic fourth movie.”

Instead of her usual grueling preparations for Bella, which involve several days in isolation imitating trees, statues, and posters of herself, Stewart decided to immerse herself in the character of “EdwardzchicaXOXO,” creator of renowned Twilight fan site and self-proclaimed “Edward Cullen Groupie.” Along with extensive perusal of the site itself, Stewart met with the fan on several occasions, discussing the tween’s potent feelings for the fictional vampire hunk.

“Most 7th grade girls are obsessed with my co-star, but this chick takes the fucking cake,” remarks Stewart. “After reciting an entire chapter of New Moon word for word, she showed me her Edward shrine. I won’t go into detail about that part for your sake, but let’s just say I was convinced that she is the biggest Twilight fan out there.”

Stewart’s training with EdwardzchicaXOXO was evidently successful, as seen in Breaking Dawn. The actress altered her facial features significantly around 20 minutes into the film, during a scene in which she and Edward Cullen have sexual relations for the first time since the beginning of their frustratingly tense, many-year relationship.

“It was like, so gratifying to see that my work with Edwardzchica paid off,” gushes Stewart, dragging heavily on a cigarette and spray-painting her hair blacker. “Now that I’ve been able to alter my facial expressions, maybe I can move onto changing the intonation and pitch of my voice as well.”

Purveyors and patrons of literature agree that Buchanan’s use of the song lyrics unlocks an aspect of words that hasn’t been seen since the time of Shakespeare. “The depth of these lyrics transcends the literal, and nearly borders upon the metaphorical,” said literary analyst Edith Schulman. “It’s as if Nirvana wrote the song so that Roland could use it to express the hardships of the average young adult in America. He really brings out the true meaning of the words.”

Others have compared Buchanan’s lyrical status to J.D. Salinger’s “Catcher in the Rye”, saying it shares the same degree of teenage angst that Holden Caulfield has at the façades and masks people in society are so often defined by. “It’s like nothing I’ve ever encountered before,” reported Katy Johnson, an English major at Northwestern University. “Until now, I had only ever read things by authors like Faulkner and Blake. These lyrics, nay, this poetry, is so full of raw emotion. It’s so… so pure.”

Johnson’s sentiments are shared by many others in the distinguished literary circles of the Chicagoland area. For his clear creative talent, Buchanan has been called “the voice of his generation” and nominated for the $100,000 Ruth Lilly Poetry Prize from the Poetry Foundation. Barnes and Noble will be hosting a reading of excerpts from Roland Buchanan’s status to help fund the ailing company and spread the joy of literary art throughout the inner city.

The documentary premiered at Cinemark Century Theaters. This was the first movie to be played there since the great nuclear conflict of 2086. An estimated 1.5 million people attended the premiere to further learn about the once-great civilization of the “Bros”.

The film began with footage from a historical investigation that spanned multiple states on the East Coast. It wasn’t until Dr. Unk started digging in Connecticut that he found evidence that the civilization of bros was more than a myth. Tens of hundreds of feet underground, Dr. Unk’s team found what is believed to be a lacrosse stick. His studies indicate that the totem was essential to everyday life, and may have even been worshipped at an altar.

With more digging, more evidence revealed itself. Over 3 thousand pairs of Sperry topsiders were found in a single digging site. Along with that, many empty and crushed cans of what is believed to be “Natural Light” beer was found. This is said to be the drink of choice amongst bros, and was probably chugged while praying to their ever-important lacrosse sticks.

A few manuscripts were found containing the vernacular used by bros, though they have yet to be completely translated by experts across the world. One phrase that has been deciphered is “slaying bitches,” which most likely meant indulging in the act of sexual intercourse with their fellow bros; evidence suggests that the society was entirely homosexual. The word “chill” has been the most difficult word to find the meaning of due to its constant repetition in every sentence deciphered thus far.

Although there is some evidence that bros lived amongst us many moons ago, many people are still skeptical that they ever existed. One man who watched the documentary, Ted Was, said, “There’s no way they ever existed. No one would have liked them. They would have been wiped out immediately.” Local fashionista Rudy Nills agrees, saying “No way they would have made it around looking like they did. They wore backwards hats all the time, and only wore button-up shirts, or two polos with both collars popped. Do they even make polos anymore?”

Whether they ever existed or not, bros have become the laughing stock of the 22^nd century, as they may have been over 100 years ago. In other news, Dr. Unk has claimed to have found remains he suspects belong to former Congressman Waka Flocka Flame.

Humphries, a player for the NBA, was utterly shocked.  “She just waltzed right in wearing nothing but lingerie and waved the divorce petition around like it was some sort of sexy role-play.”

Once Humphries realized what was happening, he was “majorly bummed – as if the NBA lockout wasn’t bad enough.”

When asked about her motives for divorce, Kardashian replied that she had “married for love, but this costume was like wayyy too cute and creative to pass up.  Plus, he was annoying me.  He just complained about everything in this really whiny voice and he was, like, always on his phone”.

Despite all the negative press surrounding Kim Kardashian following the split, she is still in surprisingly good spirits, which is plausible considering that she will soon be reaping the benefits of divorcing an incredibly stacked basketball player. She also claims to have a supportive network of family and friends.

Longtime friend Kanye West supports Kardashian and advises her to “get down girl, go ‘head, get down,” perhaps an instruction to hide from the paparazzi.

Kardashian is proud to have fully immersed herself in the character of Gold-Digging Bitch, and she hopes that this performance will finally let the American public see that she has the potential to be a real actress, and therefore, have a reason to be famous.