LOS ANGELES – Needlessly famous woman Kim Kardashian decided to go all-out this past Halloween.  On October 31, 2011, in an effort to complete her (sexy) gold-digger costume, Kardashian wore black Victoria’s Secret lingerie, a $2 million engagement ring, and filed for divorce from her ridiculously overpaid husband Kris Humphries.

Humphries, a player for the NBA, was utterly shocked.  “She just waltzed right in wearing nothing but lingerie and waved the divorce petition around like it was some sort of sexy role-play.”

Once Humphries realized what was happening, he was “majorly bummed – as if the NBA lockout wasn’t bad enough.”

When asked about her motives for divorce, Kardashian replied that she had “married for love, but this costume was like wayyy too cute and creative to pass up.  Plus, he was annoying me.  He just complained about everything in this really whiny voice and he was, like, always on his phone”.

Despite all the negative press surrounding Kim Kardashian following the split, she is still in surprisingly good spirits, which is plausible considering that she will soon be reaping the benefits of divorcing an incredibly stacked basketball player. She also claims to have a supportive network of family and friends.

Longtime friend Kanye West supports Kardashian and advises her to “get down girl, go ‘head, get down,” perhaps an instruction to hide from the paparazzi.

Kardashian is proud to have fully immersed herself in the character of Gold-Digging Bitch, and she hopes that this performance will finally let the American public see that she has the potential to be a real actress, and therefore, have a reason to be famous.

HAMBURG, Holy Roman Empire – From the far West of Berlin to distant East Amsterdam, the entire world is up in arms over the hellfire hot new band The Flying Buttresses. With a repertoire full of popular ballads like “Hey You, Get off of My Pew,” “Us and Him,” and “I’ve Got 95 Theses but a Byzantine Ain’t One,” The Flying Buttresses are the most successful band in the Empire since The Painted Glass.

The Flying Buttresses have vaulted to the top of the charts thanks to young Bohemians and God. Bill, a blacksmith, is just one fan among the legions of TFB enthusiasts.

“These guys rock harder than my anvil,” quoth Bill. “They’re not afraid to go dark.”

“They’re totally bubonic,” Bill addeth.

The critics are also jumping on the Buttress wagon. Balthasar Hayworker, a serf known for his cast-iron pitchfork and acute taste, raves about such singles as “I Can See for Isles and Isles,” “Pumped Up Knickerbockers,” and “Smells Like the Holy Spirit.” The man on the corner holding a slate agrees.

But not all of the Empire has been converted to following the TFB. Horatio Hamburger, Hamburg’s eldest councilman, complained that The Flying Buttresses are just a bunch of rabblerousers.

“Kids these days,” quippeth Hamburger, 34.

Rumored titles on their next album include “Gaining My Religion,” “I’m Too Vaulted for My Ceiling,” “I’ll Meet You in the Vestibule (It’s Going Down),” and “Oh My God”

Time Travel Gaming in Nintendo’s Future

REDMOND, WA – CERN’s highest-paying investor, Nintendo CEO Satoru Iwata, is hoping to harness the newly discovered power of the neutrino for the chance to realize his latest dream: the 4DS.

This not-so-hush-hush project arrives on the coattails of a declining interest in Nintendo’s last handheld console, the 3DS. In the face of plummeting sales, Nintendo decided the fourth dimension–time–was their best bet.

An American focus group, comprised mostly of 13 to 21 year old men deeply interested in Doritos, noted a “severe lack of ‘D’” as one of the reasons they wouldn’t be spending their Xbox Live money on the latest handheld device.

An anonymous member of the focus group told market researchers that he “want[ed] to be able to grope Princess Peach, not just look at her in a third dimension.”

A company representative stated that while the company has no plans for virtual reality gaming, they are looking to make it possible for 4DS users to create time paradoxes to their heart’s content.

Nintendo has also made it clear that it cannot guarantee that the system will be completely safe, or that players will be restricted from killing – and then becoming – their own grandfathers.

No matter the implications, the 4DS looks to be several quantum levels above the competition as far as time-travel gaming is concerned. Sony has yet to release the results of reported attempts to create a fully functional TARDIS, while Microsoft is still negotiating with Libyan nationalists for enough plutonium to fuel their flux capacitors.

CHICAGO – Groupon has scheduled a screening of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off at Wrigley Field on the first Saturday of October for the next 100 years.

“It became readily apparent over the past few years that the Cubs will never have use for Wrigley Field in October,” Andrew Mason, CEO of Groupon, stated in a press conference. “They are just an incredibly shitty baseball team.”

The Cubs have not had a winning record in three seasons. Despite boasting impressive household names like star-crossed shortstop Starlin Castro and “mild-mannered” ace Carlos Zambrano, Chicago ended its season without making the playoffs.

“We’re looking for winners,” manager Mike Quade said after the San Diego Padres’ 9-2 victory over the Cubs to end the season. “We’re exploring all options to fill our roster. We will be actively looking for new starters at every position, and our recruiting process will begin with the crowd at the Ferris Bueller screening.”

No prior experience is necessary. Potential players interested in trying out, however, are encouraged to be able to recognize when the game is going on, swing and miss in clutch situations, and take out any aggression on future teammates.

“I think Ferris would be a great fit for the team,” self-proclaimed film “critic” and “Cubs fanatic” Armond Grossman proclaimed. “His sprint home at the end of the film? He’ll be good for 80, 90 stolen bases, easy.”

In other news, Red Sox fans tried to justify their marginal relevance to the baseball world by screening Fever Pitch at Fenway Park.

EVANSTON – Having failed to find a suitable replacement in time, Mayfest organizers have been forced to indefinitely postpone all 2011 Dillo Day events following the sudden, unexpected disappearance of headliner B.o.B. Following a press release from B.oB’s manager, it has become clear that the popular rapper was one of the approximately 200 million Christians lucky enough to be welcomed into the radiant embrace of the Lord Almighty, an outspoken fan of B.o.B’s breakthrough hit, “Airplanes.”

“Although we apologize for the inconvenience to Northwestern University,” Adrian Levy, President of Grand Hustle Records read in a prepared statement, “we hope that you will join us in wishing B.o.B all the best in his future endeavors. This is quite the career move.”

Students reacted to the news with varied degrees of disappointment and downright agony, their heathen souls already plagued by the forces of Satan prior to their destruction and eternal damnation.

“It’s torture! It’s inhumane!” shrieked sophomore Jackie Thomas. “Satan told [Battle of the Bands winner] whysowhite that they could play a double-set! Oh, God, my ears!”

Others expressed anger at rumors that B.o.B’s ascension into Paradise came at the expense of another, more deserving human who had to be left behind. To find the answers to their questions, the ascetics turned to Jesus.

Jesus, who has been personally overseeing the destruction of Earth, could be found sitting in Norbucks.

“Why must Liu Xiaobo languish in a cell while B.o.B frolics in a land of everlasting peace and joy?” local atheist Alex Mercer asked between debilitating stints in an iron maiden.

“Look,” Jesus replied coolly, “my dad’s been working almost 6000 years without a break. If he wants a private performance of “Nothin’ On You” for the rest of eternity, well, I think he’s earned some time off.”

EVANSTON – Anticipation turned to confused embarrassment when the sisters of the Delta Delta Delta Delta sorority realized that the ‘royals’ they had invited to their “Royal Wedding-Watch Party OMG!!!!!” event were, in fact, the Kansas City Royals, the major league baseball team.

“I was like, sooo excited when I heard we were watching the royal wedding at the house,” said Quad Delt sister Becca Silverstein, “cuz my boyfriend is from Kansas City and he’s always talking about the royals there and how great they are. I couldn’t figure out why they lived in Kansas instead of, you know, England or wherever, but I just knew that we had to invite them.”

Much to the surprise of all involved, the starting line-up of the Kansas City Royals arrived at the Quad Delt house on Friday evening. “We couldn’t understand why a bunch of sorority girls wanted us to come visit them,” explained starting pitcher Jeff Francis, “or why the girl who called our manager kept calling him ‘Your Highness,’ but it’s not like we have anything better to do. We’re playing the Twins on Friday, so hanging out at a sorority sounded a lot more productive. I might try to catch a Cubs game while I’m here.”

Mercifully, the confusion did not last long, as Quad Delta house mother Martha Jibkowski quickly determined that the baseball team’s presence was a flagrant violation of house rules.

This snafu comes in the wake of Quad Delt’s disastrous all-white charity performance of The Wiz for the NAACP board of directors.

TOKYO -  In recent years, Japan has fallen prey to a horrific sequence of natural disasters: first an earthquake, then a tsunami, then the nuclear reactor near-meltdown that spawned a real life Godzilla. It was only a matter of time until Hollywood would decide to take the tragic story and use it to tug at the world’s heartstrings.

Who better to formulate characters, plot and emotional tension than America’s most beloved filmmaker and Renaissance man, Michael Bay?  That’s right: sources indicate that Michael Bay is already hard at work with his latest epic, Japan: The Movie.

Early rumors suggested that this project would actually be Bay’s third installment of Bad Boys.  In it, Will Smith and Martin Lawrence would reprise their roles in the landmark Academy Award winning series, wherein they would chase drug dealing intergalactic transforming robots to Japan to stop a deal with a major Yakuza gang.  Jackie Chan had agreed to play a co-starring role.  Unfortunately, Martin Lawrence was already working on another Big Momma’s House sequel, and was unavailable.  Will Smith refused to sign on without his “artistic muse,” Lawrence, and so Bad Boys III: Black and Yellow was scrapped.

Despite these major setbacks, Sir Bay decided to continue plans for a Japanese project.  As of last week, Japan: The Movie has already completed filming and is now in post-production, despite the fact that writers have only written two pages of screenplay.  In an exclusive interview with The Northwestern Flipside, he had this to say:

“Yeah, I figured that what I want to express really transcends anything that can be written down.  I want to show the hardship that every Chinaman in Japan has to go through every day.  That’s why I mostly skipped plot and characters and pretty much jumped directly to the special effects.”

Despite claiming that his film will be full of more chaos and destruction than a Middle Eastern country during election season, the visionary director did leave some space for plot development.  He seems particularly excited about a more dramatic and sensitive scene in which Optimus Prime, in a supporting role as a single father of three struggling with radiation-induced testicular problems, declares, “REPRODUCTIVE CAPACITY IS THE RIGHT OF ALL SENTIENT BEINGS,” before blowing a nuclear reactor to dust with a plasma cannon.  Prime is already receiving Oscar buzz for his portrayal.

ATLANTIC CITY – In what is surely a game for the ages, the wheelbarrow is about to win a game of monopoly. It has $1300 in cash and owns the red monopoly, consisting of Kentucky Avenue, Indiana Avenue, and Illinois Avenue.

“I just knew my business was turning around when I landed on Indiana Avenue,” the wheelbarrow commented. “Seriously, there are now three stunningly beautiful houses here! Who wouldn’t want to stay in one of them and pay me $700 to spend the night here?”

The wheelbarrow also owns Park Place (but not boardwalk), St. James Place, and St. Charles Place. “He sure has a lot of places,” enviously remarked the thimble.

In addition, the wheelbarrow has not one, not two, but THREE of the four railroads. “I was sure excited when the dog accepted $200 and the electric company for the Short Line. Now I only need B&O Railroad and I’ll have the set!”

In a surprising twist of events, the wheelbarrow rolled a three, advancing from the Water Works to Pacific Avenue, part of a monopoly owned by the money bag. This reduced the wheelbarrow’s assets from $1300 to $25. “That’s ok!” said the wheelbarrow with a cool calmness only seen on entrepreneurs sure to succeed. “I’m about to pass go and collect $200. I mean, there is NO chance I’ll roll a three again next turn and visit the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue and be forced into bankruptcy. It’s absolutely impossible.”

As the game entered its fourth straight hour, the racecar rolled doubles three times in a row and went to jail. “Guess I was speeding,” he remarked.

At press time, no winner has yet been reported.

EVANSTON – Contrary to popular belief, it was leaked yesterday that a local businessman, not famous hip-hop performer B.o.B, will perform at Dillo Day. “I was really excited about B.o.B,” said Comm sophomore Dani Ward, “but I guess Bob is good too. I hear he makes an awesome hot dog on the grill.”

An article in several outlets claimed that the popular rapper had posted a tour date on his website that coincided with Dillo Day, but the reporters had actually looked under the wrong tab; Dillo Day 2011 was listed under “Places I don’t fuck with,” not “Tour.” “Yeah, I don’t screw with Bob,” explained B.o.B, “that dude is the hardest motherfuckin’ computer systems analyst I know. I thought I’d put a note on my website so that my fans know that won’t be seeing me messin’ around at Dillo.”

Bob is well known for his high-energy live show, which includes fascinating anecdotes about Jeff from work and his spot-on Charlie Sheen impersonation. It is believed that the timeliness of this impersonation is what made Bob such an expensive act to bring. “People who can do a funny Charlie Sheen voice at dinner parties are in high demand,” explained one Mayfest rep, “so we figured we’d lock up Bob before Sheen does anything else crazy.”

The Flipside was able to get an exclusive interview with the elusive Bob. When questioned about his upcoming Dillo Day performance, Bob responded, “Uh…what?”

by xtrasooperdood

GUYS! You guys! You won’t believe it! C’mon!

Okay, you guys are NOT. Fuckin’. Gonna. Believe it. Last night my parents made me watch a movie with them; it was some fuckin’ black and white movie. Gay shit, amirite? Yeah, I know! But listen, this movie had more tits than you could shake your dick at – NO, DAN, I’M NOT FUCKING LYING!

No, I don’t know what it was about – I was on AIM the whole time and only looked up when I heard gunshots or saw boobs in the corner of my eye, but let me just say, this must be one fuckin’ awesome movie – I have NEVER seen that many tits in my life – FUCK YOU DAN YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THAT MANY TITS EITHER! And there was SOOO much blood! And it had that guy from Star Wars: Episode 1, but he was a whiny little bitch and didn’t kill anyone.

It’s called Schindler’s List, and lemme tell you guys, it’s long as fuck. I walked out after like three hours, but don’t worry, I saw all the good parts. ALL the good parts. But you know, now that I think about it, there may have been a few dicks in there, too – NO DAN THAT DOESN’T FUCKING MAKE ME GAY! I’M NOT THE ONE WHO LISTENS TO FUCKING NICKELBACK!

Oh, your parents made you watch The Godfather? Dude, that fuckin’ sucks! Nah, believe me, my parents made me watch it like a month ago – there’s only like 2 pairs of tits the whole time! And the blood is SOOO fake! Aw, you know what, fuck this – just go home and Google the good bits; there’s no other reason to watch this piece of shit. You guys feel like watching something later? How ‘bout Jackass: The Movie? Best fuckin’ film of all time.