EVANSTON – The whole social order of Northshore Middle School changed dramatically the day Susie Donalds got her braces. She had apparently been keeping her impending defacement a secret, so it came as quite a shock to her former “bffeaeae” (translated from 7^th grade speak, this means “best friends forever and ever and ever”), members of the “Fab 5″ clique Tiffany, Brittany, Barbie and Kelly.

“We just, like, didn’t know what to do,” clique leader Tiffany told us. “It was like BAM! Brace-face! It’s just sooooooooo gross.”

“What were we supposed to do?” Barbie whined. “Just let her stay friends with us and risk all of our reputations? Not a chance in heck!”

Susie, due to the emotional and physical pains of having braces, couldn’t be reached for comment. However, according to the testimony of her little brother Joey, she was apparently not surprised about being kicked out of her group of friends.

“The Fab 5, well now Fab 4, is made up of only the best. And braces just don’t make you the best.” Tiffany told us.

Rumors have been circulating that Kelly, too, will become a metal-mouth in the near future, but she is working hard to dispel such nasty gossip. “My dad totally wants me to have them, but I’m like no way! I’ll get those invisible things next summer when all my friends go to camp. I will not end up like Susie.”

At press time, Susie had still not returned to school after a dramatic incident where she had to return her “BFF” necklace that the Fab 5 all used to wear. Tiffany is currently on the lookout for a fifth member to add, but is having difficulty as “like, SOOOOO many people have braces. Ick!”

ARLINGTON, TX – Fans of football, proper vocalization, and the United States of America were astonished Sunday night when Christina Aguilera botched the National Anthem at the 45th Super Bowl.

Thinking she made an honest mistake, many viewers have ridiculed and laughed at the singer for looking like a fool with her pants on the ground in front of the entire country. However, the Federal Bureau of Investigation does not seem to be laughing.

Flipside News Network had the opportunity had the opportunity to speak with an FBI official on the condition of anonymity.

“The Bureau simply does not buy this naïve notion that Miss Aguilera messed the National Anthem up by accident.  I mean, how many Americans could be that stupid?  Really?  The only logical conclusion is that this woman is a member of a domestically-based terrorist cell, likely made up of other washed-up celebrities.”

The FBI is currently investigating a theory that Aguilera was the sacrificial lamb in a terrorist plot to blow up the Super Bowl and destroy everyone inside.  By intentionally singing the National Anthem incorrectly, she would signal her accomplices flying above in stolen Navy F-18 fighters to drop their bombs and destroy the Cowboys Stadium.  Unfortunately, nobody seemed to have taken into account that the arena’s dome was closed.  According to the theory, the accomplices, unable to guarantee full destruction of the stadium and life inside it, aborted the mission and left Aguilera behind.

The top suspects to be Aguilera’s accomplices currently include Nelly, Jessica Simpson, Aaron Carter, Jewel, Axl Rose, Kevin Federline, Ozzy Osbourne, The Backstreet Boys and Pee Wee Herman.  This terrorist group calls itself the “C-List,” and its alleged members are often seen either performing at high school dances and other small events or starring in reality shows about their lives (as they perform at high school dances and other small events).  This attack may have been an attempt to remind the general public that these former stars still exist.

Christina Aguilera managed to escape the confines of the Super Bowl and evade the custody of the authorities.  She was last seen trying to fit herself into a genie bottle.

Winter’s Bone: 2/4 star-shaped pasties

Winter’s Bone tells the story of a teenage girl trying to find her daddy to save her house. Yeah, thats right, who’s your daddy, girl. Great start. Then some shit happens and a cop comes. This is where you expect it to start getting heavy, right? Nope! Instead of ripping off his uniform and taking her “downtown,” he just warns her that her dad needs to show up to court. 

Ok, so when’s the winter bone going to happen? 

She walks around the neighbors house and finds some fat old neighbors. Is this it? Nope, they just tell her to get off their lawn.

So now they’ve set it up all nice and good waiting for the titular bone. What comes next? She throws on two more sweaters; that’s three more than you really want her to be wearing.

Ok, so now comes the dangerous part where there’s four guys and her. They beat her around a little bit (not my style, but you know they have to appeal to everyone’s tastes) and tie her up. Then her uncle comes… and that’s where I drew the line. Bondage? OK. Incest? No way. The only type of incest I can handle is Incest-ption. That shit blew my mind, and some other organs as well.

Towards the end of this hour-and-a-half-long movie she finally starts taking some clothes off to fish some crap out of a lake. She even rolls her sleeves up, hot damn! She grabs a human hand or something… and the movie ends.

In my opinion, the filmmakers definitely focused too much on the “winter” and not enough on the “bone.” Still, should it win Best Picture? Does it have Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman making out? The answer is no.

EVANSTON, IL– With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, Romeo Smith knew he had to do something special for his new girlfriend, Rosalin Jones. “You know, it’s the beginning,” he very aptly told Flipside, “she hasn’t even slept with me yet, so I know I can’t slack yet. She’s pretty classy, so I knew I had to find something, you know, romantic to do.”

He considered a big box of chocolates, but decided against it because Romeo wanted Rosalin to keep her “smokin’ hot bod” in case they were still together by spring break. Flowers were out of the question because “aren’t they all dead this time of year anyway?” So, Romeo decided to take his girlfriend on a date to see Blue Valentine.

“It had the word ‘Valentine’ in it, so I figured it was a pretty safe bet. I told her I wanted to take her because it reminded me of her. But then I fell asleep in the movie cause she wanted to watch it, not hook up. When I woke up she was crazy mad at me,” said a very confused looking Romeo.

“He just, like, has no idea what girls want! Why not chocolates like every other guy? Does he think I’m fat??” Rosalin ranted (Note: due to our standards of journalistic integrity and concern for our personal well-being, we could not reveal to Rosalin that her weight was one of Romeo’s concerns).

As it stands, Rosalin is not speaking to Romeo. Romeo is considering going back to his ex-girlfriend Juliet, who he describes as “way hotter, but just a little young for me.”

EVANSTON – This list of sure-to-win strategies was compiled from an old book found in the Willard basement.

1. Don’t shower. Who cares what the kids in your classes say? And if your roommate will agree to that too, neither of you will notice the smell after a while.
2. If you absolutely feel the need to shower, do it in another dorm. If you get someone to let you in, be sure to let the water for as long as possible. The prunier your fingers get the better. For the extremely ambitious, turn on the shower first, and then use the toilet. Be sure to flush 3 or 4 times after you’re done.
3. Don’t use your refrigerator. Eating slightly rotten food helps build your immune system.
4. Don’t use your heater. Exposing yourself to the cold winter weather also helps build your immune system.
5. Go visit your friends who live in other dorms and secretly plug in as many appliances as you can.
6. If you live in a dorm with a dining hall, go to a dining hall other than your own and load your plate full of food to bring straight to the garbage.
7. Make sure you brag about winning and how green you can be when you try!

After failing to receive an Academy Award for Best Director nomination for his sci-fi film Inception this year and his superhero movie The Dark Knight in 2008, director Christopher Nolan announced today that he plans to plant the idea of a nomination in the head of each Academy member via the inception technique. “I specialize in a very specific kind of vote rigging.” explained Nolan, “Subconscious vote rigging.”

Nolan laid out his detailed plan to The Flipside. “I plan on taking the Academy out for Chinese food and slipping a sleeping drug into its collective lo mein. From they’re, its up to Cobb and Eames to finish—I mean, it’s time for them to vote.”

The director claimed that this tactic has worked for other nominees this year. “I heard that James Franco pinned them all under a rock until they agreed to nominate him. Christian Bale beat them up until they nominated him for The Fighter. And don’t even get me started on Natalie Portman.”

Nolan has attempted similar tactics in the past, with no success. “I had Bale do the Batman voice at them after Batman Begins. Would’ve used Ledger after The Dark Knight, but that turned to be… less viable. As for Memento, well, you’ll have to get back to me on that one.”

Leonardo DiCaprio has pledged his support for Nolan’s plan, hoping that the inception will secure him a Best Actor nomination. However, he has recently expressed reservations. Asked to explain his worries, he stood up and yelled, “WE MUST GO DEEPER.” Dicaprio has not been seen since.

This article was conceived by Nick Platoff, Bienen 2014

Following the anticipated success of Pokémon Black and White, Nintendo revealed that the sixth generation of the popular video game will have the “colors” of Sunni and Shi’ite.

Satoshi Tajiri, creator of the Pokémon franchise, told the Flipside, “The most recent Pokémon games – Pearl and Diamond, Black and White – have been called ‘lame’ and ‘boring.’ We clearly needed to make the next generation more exciting. Infusing the games with real religious conflict is sure to do it.”

Local Pokémon fanatic Timmy G., 10, commented, “The last few sets of starting Pokémon have been really pathetic. I mean, look at them! Chimchar is this ugly-butt (am I allowed to say ‘butt’ in an interview?) monkey-butt, and now there’s Tepig – some sort of fire pig thing. I’d rather train a Magikarp than either of those!”

Indeed, studies have shown that each generation of starting Pokémon has become 30% lamer than the preceding generation.

Timmy later added, “What’s Sunni? Like sunny? That sounds dumb too.”

Pokémon Black and White – which are scheduled to be released in the U.S. in spring 2011 – is the first Pokémon game that is not set in Japan; instead, it takes place in the Unova region, modeled after New York City. Similarly, Pokémon Sunni and Shiite will be set in the Middle East, and will introduce a new Pokémon type: oil.

It is also rumored that Nintendo interviewed Michael Vick about how to make the game’s infamous dog Pokémon battles more exciting. Tajiri declined to comment.

EVANSTON—After the release of the Inception last July, the hit film has become America’s most notorious mindfuck. Up until that point, Northwestern’s class-selecting service, CAESAR, held that title. NUIT admitted its defeat after the film hit the box office this summer.

However, NUIT is not to be outdone. According to Todd Robertson, NUIT’s head technician, next year’s edition of CAESAR will not only be equally as confusing as Nolan’s film, but it will also make researching and registering for classes “almost not worth it.”

To do this, NUIT is incorporating some of the most convoluted aspects of Inception with its already user-unfriendly features.

To begin with, NUIT plans to complicate CAESAR by giving the password to the website only to architects and drug dealers. Since drug dealers appreciate anonymity and no architecture major exists on campus, NUIT believes that just logging onto the database will be exceedingly difficult for students.

Furthermore, the process students use to view CTECs will change.

“The process of looking at teachers CTECs’ was already frustrating, because the only way to avoid opening and closing new windows would be to clutter your desktop with a inconveniently large number of windows,” Robertson said. But now, NUIT is taking it a step further. “We had to go deeper,” said Robertson.

“Next year, when a CTEC link is clicked, the screen will not display a new window,” Robertson explained. “Instead, a new window will be opened in the subconscious, and the only way to access it will be to induce a dream state.”

The new feature doesn’t stop there. To open two CTEC links in a single day will require students to open a dream window within a dream window. Opening three or more links will require a student to ask his/her roommate to plant the whole concept of “CTEC” in his/her subconscious. This process has only been accomplished by one person so far—Robertson—and he reports seeing CTEC evaluations in every subsequent dream he’s had.

“Reviewing teachers and courses online will either be impossible for students to accomplish or cause them a serious mental affliction,” Robertson said with a smug grin. “Suddenly trying to figure out whether or not DiCaprio is dreaming isn’t so bad, is it?”

LONDON – Legendary 1980’s rock outfit Spin̈al Tap announced plans Thursday for the release of their own 11G wireless network to rival the current 4G technology operated by carriers such as Verizon, AT&T, and T-Mobile. “These other blokes are doing, you know, 3 or 4G, but we thought…why not eleven?” explained lead guitarist Nigel Tufnel, who found inspiration from his guitar amp’s volume range – which also extends fully up to 11. Technology analysts confirm that Tap’s surprise expansion into wireless networks was a shrewd business maneuver. “While other companies are wading around in this low-end 4G market, Tap saw a huge gap higher up and took it,” said Gizmodo.com editor Martin Farrell. “No one else thought of it. These guys are constantly innovating and changing our world.”

When pressed for technical details, bassist Derek Smalls energized investors and stockholders by highlighting their “gig experience” and vowing to ensure 11G stays “faster and louder with more gigs.” The band has already prepared for rival carriers racing to catch up. “Even if they went up to 10 or whatever, where can you go from there? Nowhere. Exactly, see – it’s one more,” said Tufnel at a press conference. All 11G users will receive unlimited free downloads of Spin̈al Tap’s breakthrough album, “Smell the Glove.”

ATLANTA—Rapper T.I. helped coax a suicidal man down from a hotel roof in midtown Atlanta on Wednesday, the Associated Press reported.

One correspondent on the scene was able to listen to the conversation that took place between the hip-hop star and the would-be jumper. The following is a transcript of the exchange:

T.I.: What up? What’s haapnin’???

Man: Not much. Ummmm…I’m standing on the ledge of a roof. I’m gonna jump and kill myself.

T.I.: Why you wanna go and do that?

Man: Because I hate my life. I wrote a suicide note, I’ve got it right here. Want me to read it to you??

T.I.: Uh go ‘head. Go ‘head.

(The man reads the note)

Man: That’s why. I’m sick of living a horrible life. I probably live the most miserable, awful, tragic life anyone’s ever lived.

T.I.: Hey, whatchu know about that?

Man: Me??? What do YOU know about having a bad life? You’re a famous rapper.

T.I.: Hey, I know all about that.

Man: Really? I don’t think so. I mean, I’m broke, depressed, addicted to drugs, a felon, and diabetic. And I live in downtown Atlanta. If you can even THINK of anything worse that could be on that list, I would be very impressed.

T.I.: Dead and gone.

Man: Whatever. Contrary to what you think, I would be much better off “dead and gone.” And you didn’t even sing that. It was that Timberlake guy.

It was at this point that pop singer Rihanna showed up and tried to convince the man to come down as well.

Man: Rihanna??? What the hell???

Rihanna: Just live your life.

Man: Wow. You know…I’ve never really thought about it that way before. I’m still not totally sure I want to come down though…my life sucks pretty bad…

T.I.: You can have whatever you like.

Man: Really??? Okay, I’ll be down in a sec.

After the man was escorted down from the ledge, he had a brief talk with T.I. in the lobby of the building before being taken to the hospital by Atlanta police.

When asked by the press what the most convincing part of T.I.’s appeal had been, the man replied, “You know how we talked in the lobby afterwards? He gave me like a half pound of weed. Seriously, it was a shit-ton. He’s a very convincing man.”