This article was conceived by Nick Platoff, Bienen 2014

Following the anticipated success of Pokémon Black and White, Nintendo revealed that the sixth generation of the popular video game will have the “colors” of Sunni and Shi’ite.

Satoshi Tajiri, creator of the Pokémon franchise, told the Flipside, “The most recent Pokémon games – Pearl and Diamond, Black and White – have been called ‘lame’ and ‘boring.’ We clearly needed to make the next generation more exciting. Infusing the games with real religious conflict is sure to do it.”

Local Pokémon fanatic Timmy G., 10, commented, “The last few sets of starting Pokémon have been really pathetic. I mean, look at them! Chimchar is this ugly-butt (am I allowed to say ‘butt’ in an interview?) monkey-butt, and now there’s Tepig – some sort of fire pig thing. I’d rather train a Magikarp than either of those!”

Indeed, studies have shown that each generation of starting Pokémon has become 30% lamer than the preceding generation.

Timmy later added, “What’s Sunni? Like sunny? That sounds dumb too.”

Pokémon Black and White – which are scheduled to be released in the U.S. in spring 2011 – is the first Pokémon game that is not set in Japan; instead, it takes place in the Unova region, modeled after New York City. Similarly, Pokémon Sunni and Shiite will be set in the Middle East, and will introduce a new Pokémon type: oil.

It is also rumored that Nintendo interviewed Michael Vick about how to make the game’s infamous dog Pokémon battles more exciting. Tajiri declined to comment.

EVANSTON—After the release of the Inception last July, the hit film has become America’s most notorious mindfuck. Up until that point, Northwestern’s class-selecting service, CAESAR, held that title. NUIT admitted its defeat after the film hit the box office this summer.

However, NUIT is not to be outdone. According to Todd Robertson, NUIT’s head technician, next year’s edition of CAESAR will not only be equally as confusing as Nolan’s film, but it will also make researching and registering for classes “almost not worth it.”

To do this, NUIT is incorporating some of the most convoluted aspects of Inception with its already user-unfriendly features.

To begin with, NUIT plans to complicate CAESAR by giving the password to the website only to architects and drug dealers. Since drug dealers appreciate anonymity and no architecture major exists on campus, NUIT believes that just logging onto the database will be exceedingly difficult for students.

Furthermore, the process students use to view CTECs will change.

“The process of looking at teachers CTECs’ was already frustrating, because the only way to avoid opening and closing new windows would be to clutter your desktop with a inconveniently large number of windows,” Robertson said. But now, NUIT is taking it a step further. “We had to go deeper,” said Robertson.

“Next year, when a CTEC link is clicked, the screen will not display a new window,” Robertson explained. “Instead, a new window will be opened in the subconscious, and the only way to access it will be to induce a dream state.”

The new feature doesn’t stop there. To open two CTEC links in a single day will require students to open a dream window within a dream window. Opening three or more links will require a student to ask his/her roommate to plant the whole concept of “CTEC” in his/her subconscious. This process has only been accomplished by one person so far—Robertson—and he reports seeing CTEC evaluations in every subsequent dream he’s had.

“Reviewing teachers and courses online will either be impossible for students to accomplish or cause them a serious mental affliction,” Robertson said with a smug grin. “Suddenly trying to figure out whether or not DiCaprio is dreaming isn’t so bad, is it?”

LONDON – Legendary 1980’s rock outfit Spin̈al Tap announced plans Thursday for the release of their own 11G wireless network to rival the current 4G technology operated by carriers such as Verizon, AT&T, and T-Mobile. “These other blokes are doing, you know, 3 or 4G, but we thought…why not eleven?” explained lead guitarist Nigel Tufnel, who found inspiration from his guitar amp’s volume range – which also extends fully up to 11. Technology analysts confirm that Tap’s surprise expansion into wireless networks was a shrewd business maneuver. “While other companies are wading around in this low-end 4G market, Tap saw a huge gap higher up and took it,” said Gizmodo.com editor Martin Farrell. “No one else thought of it. These guys are constantly innovating and changing our world.”

When pressed for technical details, bassist Derek Smalls energized investors and stockholders by highlighting their “gig experience” and vowing to ensure 11G stays “faster and louder with more gigs.” The band has already prepared for rival carriers racing to catch up. “Even if they went up to 10 or whatever, where can you go from there? Nowhere. Exactly, see – it’s one more,” said Tufnel at a press conference. All 11G users will receive unlimited free downloads of Spin̈al Tap’s breakthrough album, “Smell the Glove.”

ATLANTA—Rapper T.I. helped coax a suicidal man down from a hotel roof in midtown Atlanta on Wednesday, the Associated Press reported.

One correspondent on the scene was able to listen to the conversation that took place between the hip-hop star and the would-be jumper. The following is a transcript of the exchange:

T.I.: What up? What’s haapnin’???

Man: Not much. Ummmm…I’m standing on the ledge of a roof. I’m gonna jump and kill myself.

T.I.: Why you wanna go and do that?

Man: Because I hate my life. I wrote a suicide note, I’ve got it right here. Want me to read it to you??

T.I.: Uh go ‘head. Go ‘head.

(The man reads the note)

Man: That’s why. I’m sick of living a horrible life. I probably live the most miserable, awful, tragic life anyone’s ever lived.

T.I.: Hey, whatchu know about that?

Man: Me??? What do YOU know about having a bad life? You’re a famous rapper.

T.I.: Hey, I know all about that.

Man: Really? I don’t think so. I mean, I’m broke, depressed, addicted to drugs, a felon, and diabetic. And I live in downtown Atlanta. If you can even THINK of anything worse that could be on that list, I would be very impressed.

T.I.: Dead and gone.

Man: Whatever. Contrary to what you think, I would be much better off “dead and gone.” And you didn’t even sing that. It was that Timberlake guy.

It was at this point that pop singer Rihanna showed up and tried to convince the man to come down as well.

Man: Rihanna??? What the hell???

Rihanna: Just live your life.

Man: Wow. You know…I’ve never really thought about it that way before. I’m still not totally sure I want to come down though…my life sucks pretty bad…

T.I.: You can have whatever you like.

Man: Really??? Okay, I’ll be down in a sec.

After the man was escorted down from the ledge, he had a brief talk with T.I. in the lobby of the building before being taken to the hospital by Atlanta police.

When asked by the press what the most convincing part of T.I.’s appeal had been, the man replied, “You know how we talked in the lobby afterwards? He gave me like a half pound of weed. Seriously, it was a shit-ton. He’s a very convincing man.”

EVANSTON—In high school, a hickey was a mark of shame to be covered up discreetly with pounds of makeup or a well-placed scarf. In college, many young women are finding that the only way to get a guy is if he thinks you already have gotten plenty beforehand.

This shift has been a phenomenon which sociologists and playboy photographers alike have been busy investigating in great depth. “Nobody wants to be a girl’s first anymore,” said senior A.J. Thomson. “That whole virginal thing is, like, seriously messed up. If you aren’t her first, she won’t remember you, so there’s no stage-five clingage later,” Thomson added.

The age-old excuse for those mysterious Monday-morning marks was that they were the product of a wayward hair-straightener rather than the cute guy who sits behind you in math. However, in this day and age, the straightener has gone from a scapegoat to Samaritan, becoming a way for a girl to prove herself in a new community of wannabe sluts.

The burning trend is one many girls have embraced after seeing the positive results it yields. “Let’s face it,” sophomore Liz Spearson told The Flipside, “Northwestern isn’t exactly hookup central. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have the same needs as our state-school counterparts. Sometimes you just want to get a guy. By giving yourself a few hair-straightener hickeys while actually straightening your hair before going out, you increase those odds by at least 50%.” When you look at the fact that Northwestern’s population is mostly female, the impetus toward such competitive behavior becomes clear.

The process may be painful—some girls had to quit after a few months after realizing that singeing the same spot over and over will lead to very unattractive-looking marks—but results don’t lie.

“I used to hook up with guys maybe once a week, and that didn’t come without a lot of work and name-dropping about the other guys I’d been with. Now, I have my pick, and I don’t need to tell them the details of my sex life. I’ve gotten with at least seven guys since I started burning myself a few weeks ago.” Spearson added. It seems that the best way to hot action is also the most literal.

SCOTTS VALLEY, CA—Antares Audio Technologies, publisher of the massively popular Auto-Tune music software, has announced a collection of major upgrades that will finally allow singers like Justin Bieber and the Jonas Brothers to sound like they have testicles.

The new software uses specialized algorithms to boost the lower frequencies of a singer’s voice, and ensures that talentless pop stars and boy bands can at least retain a miniscule portion of their masculinity.

Auto-Tune’s creator, Dr. Andy Hildebrand, has held a series of interviews to promote his new product.

“The impetus for our work is actually quite simple,” Hildebrand stated in the smug, arrogant tone of a man secure in the knowledge that he has single-handedly ruined popular music.

“Before Auto-Tune was created,” Hildebrand continued, “the only way to change the pitch of an incompetent singer’s voice was to increase or decrease the speed of the recording, much like adjusting the RPM setting on an old vinyl record.”

“This principle, sometimes referred to as ‘Alvin and the Chipmunks Syndrome’, left countless singers sounding like prepubescent girls on helium. This had the regrettable effect of forcing those without vocal talent to, well, not sing.”

In 1997, however, Hildebrand released the first version of Auto-Tune, and those disheartened inartistic-but well-connected shmucks were finally given the chance to pursue their musical dreams at the trivial expense of sounding like androgynous freaks.

“It was a win-win situation,” Hildebrand explained. “I became filthy rich, and the Backstreet Boys became world famous without having an ounce of actual talent.”

Hildebrand paused.

“If they had recorded their genre-defying music with our new, improved technology, however, it might’ve sounded like they had a single pair of balls between the five of ‘em.”

Although teen superstar Justin Bieber was unavailable for comment, his managers, producers, and legions of fans expressed their eagerness to get Justin working with the new software as quickly as possible.

“Most people don’t realize it,” Commented long-time Bieber audio engineer “Motown” Jackson, “but Justin Bieber actually sings in a rich, husky baritone. Unfortunately, the little prick has about the same talent for pitch as a drunken karaoke fan, so we have to Auto-Tune his voice into oblivion.”

“I’m sure Justin can’t wait to share his natural, virile voice with the world!” Jackson laughed. “You wouldn’t believe how shocked people are when I tell them that Justin Bieber has testicles!”

Oh shit! This is really shitty music man. How long have I been out here? It’s only 1:34? Man, she’s been singing with that piano for the longest damn time. This music sucks! She’s hot though, so it’s ok. Wait, no, I think I’m starting to lose my buzz. She’s not as attractive now. I’m not as attractive now. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Run back to the house, ok, jungle juice…no. Bud light…no. Ah, here it its, Smirnoff [gulp] ahhhhh no chasers. Damn it, I’ll use the water cup from bear pong this morning. Wait, not sanitary. Oh, but the alcohol will kill off any bacteria in my system, so it’s cool.

Alright, back to the lakefill [music: and I hear all this music, and it breaks my heart, and it breaks my heart, and it breaks my hear hear hear hear hear hear hearaaaartttt]. SHIT! Why are they still playing this bullshit. It’s killing my buzz. SO BORING! I’d rather go see Sex and the City 2. Wait no I wouldn’t. What time is it now? 1:48? Damn it! When the fuck does Drake get here? WHAT??? No Drake? …Nelly? Not until 9:00pm? What the fuck am I supposed to do until then? Do you realize how much I’m going to have to drink to keep from pulling her off the stage and yelling at those Mayfest kids? Survey my ass. I didn’t fill out any God damn survey!

Oh, well, I guess it’s not that bad, free pizza is going to be giv-…what? They’re out of pizza? Already? Shit! [music: I hear in my mind, all of these voices] Is she seriously still singing? If she doesn’t stop soon, I may go into a rage coma! Okay, keep your cool. It will all be ok once I get some pancakes. Huh? Pancakes were served this morning? SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!

By An Actual Drunk Man*

So its been a great dfay. It’s been fucking difficult trying to login to write this ariticel.   I mena so what if my password was wrong the first threew times shouldnty i still be able to use my free speech. Its the first ammendment.  I shall not be silenced by the password code.  What was i writing abouyt?  of yeah dillo day.  Dydude we dont evewn have any armadillos here .  ity should have been called like fricken squirrel or rabbit day. That would make sense.  but this armadillo day? are we supposed to curl ui[ into a little ball are run away?  IO say no.  We should fighty back and show how the world should be.  The armadillos are not better than us, we are better than them.  ANd we wiull prove it when the war begins.  Man vs armabillos.

But the bands and singers that we have here are chill, like regina, mash brtos, guster (where di they come from?) and Ne;;y (if you want to take a ride with me) are good choices.  It was a great day.  WHAT? OKAY! YEAH! some little wayne  for ya.  MY head itches i want to scratch it biut it doesnt feel any better.  I might be sweating a litle bit.  I’m hungry be right back.

I grabbed some yogos cuz they are delicious and they make me ghappy.  Apple flavored.  MMMMMM.  I tried to word count this but i am not on wordx so it didnt work.  All done with my yogos.  I’m still itchy on my head. Ne3ver drunk text a girl.  especially if you like her and she doesnt know it.  It ends poorly trust me.   With that in mind i bid you all a godo day and reminber to enjoy yourselves because you only get one life to live. P{eace out homies.

Yours from the bobb mchiulloch

JSC (should i put my name?) too late

*Seriously, he was not sober when this was written. Don’t frown, he’s over 21.

EVANSTON—Almost a dozen Northwestern country music fans were in disarray this past Tuesday when they learned of Mayfest’s final performer, rapper Rhymefest. Cramped into a booth at a nearby diner, the handful of fans nursed their disappointment with cheap whiskey: for the 38^th time, their favorite performers were snubbed. Said Cletus Owens, a Junior transfer from Arkansas Agriculture and Whining, “I thought for sure we could pull off Rascal Flatts, maybe even Hank Williams Jr.. But Rhymefest? He ain’t country.”

The group has campaigned for nearly forty years to bring a country music artist to Northwestern’s campus. However, Mayfest has continually shut them down citing, “very few hicks at Northwestern” and a desire to invite bands, “that anyone outside of the NASCAR contingency has heard of.” The Country Music Fans association made waves last week, when they fired shotguns skyward, misinterpreting Country Grammar to be an epithet against their culture. They have since apologized, issuing the statement: “Nelly ain’t a common name where we are from.”

For months, Mayfest has adamantly insisted that a country music act would be a poor choice. Michael Gebhardt, a Co-Chair for Mayfest, told us that the group tried to take Northwestern’s demographics into account. “That’s why we got Nelly. He really represents the Northwestern community. It’s about struggles.” He then added, “And with Regina, we have no room to add another immensely unpopular act.”

EVANSTON—Neil Byers, a SESP junior, was ridiculed for the entirety of Dillo Day for wrapping a large ACE bandage around his head in anticipation for the performance of rapper Nelly. “This is his ‘thing’, right?” asked Byers to a throng of chuckling students, “I went to a boarding school from 6th to 8th grade, so I really missed the whole ‘Nelly’ fad.”

Byers explained that when he heard Nelly was headlining Dillo Day, he made sure he wouldn’t be left out of the camaraderie. “I asked my friend for his ACE bandage right away, but I didn’t think he’d just give it to me. With Nelly coming to town I thought they’d be in high demand, but my friend was like, ‘uh…sure dude.’ I’ve been getting weird looks all day today,” he continued, “and it’s probably because this thing really smells like shit.”

The Chicago native is always up on the signature accessories of various artists. “I made sure to wear my prescription sunglasses to the U2 show I went to, so I could look just like Bono. Then, when KISS swung by, I brought out the red war paint. I love being hip like all the other people in this city.”

Meanwhile, freshman Keisha Green was similarly ridiculed for wearing a neck brace during the Nelly set. She should regain a full range of motion in her body within 3 weeks.