THE KEG, no wait, A FRATERNITY’S BASEMENT, no wait, fuck it, I have no idea where I am – At 2:32 on Monday, Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl removed the liquor license from the Keg of Evanston and destroyed everything that was good about humanity. Tisdale cited selling alcohol to minors and the devil’s current possession of her body as reasons for her actions.

“Evanston would be just fine without Northwestern,” Tisdahl probably said during her press conference. “And since I’ve solved all the city’s other problems, especially theft, I felt it was time to shut down the Keg.”

The arthritic Evanston populace applauded Tisdahl’s decision, raising their catheters into the air in celebration. Now the city is safe, they chanted. Now I can let my grandchildren walk the street at 3 a.m., they chanted.

Somebody pass me a goddamn rum and coke.

“We were completely ready to step up our regulations and require two forms of paper or plastic identification,” said Tom Migon, former Keg owner and now homeless man who sits outside of CVS. “If we were the 9th-best college bar in the country, just imagine what going to a bar outside the top ten would be like.”

What the hell is going on? Where am I? Why does this place not feel like I’m walking through the streets of Hong Kong, but sweatier? Why isn’t there such a long wait for the bathroom that people are pissing in plastic cups? Where is the dance floor full of nerds pretending to live it up at college by randomly making out with people they cannot see?

Did they even serve alcohol at the Keg?

If there are typos, I don’t even care if I get a Medill F anymore. What reason do I have to go to Northwestern?

“We are going to address this issue and blah blah blah,” Dean of students Howard Burgwell said. I mean, what do they want from us? What am I supposed to do?

Fuck this. Now I’m going to have to buy a better fake ID.

MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN – Senior Al-Qaeda leaders admitted today that Oscar-nominated actor Mark Wahlberg would have totally kicked their asses had the stage-choreography-trained thespian been present to thwart all three simultaneous 9/11 hijackings. After Wahlberg claimed that “[the hijacking] wouldn’t have went down like it did” in a Men’s Journal interview, Al-Qaeda spokesmen ceded that years of planning and use of terror tactics would have completely unraveled in the steely, unsmiling face of the Contraband star.

According to a joint Homeland Security/Wahlberg report, after single-handedly subduing terrorists aboard LA-bound Flight 11, Wahlberg would have paused to sign autographs and discuss how he “so should’ve won [an Academy Award] for Three Kings”. As the plane’s captains positioned their cabin above Flight 175 (also LA-bound), Wahlberg would have courageously leapt from plane to plane, presumably while shirtless.

Leaving a single terrorist alive long enough for questioning, Wahlberg would have barked “WHERE IS MY WIFE?!?!?” in the hijacker’s face before remembering that he was unmarried.

At this point Wahlberg would have radioed United Flight 93, ordering hijackers to surrender or “prepare for a world of pain”. A hasty landing would be made at JFK International Airport minutes later. Wahlberg would then arrive in LA just in time to accept an Oscar for The Departed, despite the film not premiering until 2006. His acceptance speech would bring the audience to tears.

Not all Al-Qaeda soldiers were enthused by the report, many challenging Wahlberg to an “Air Force One-off” on the actor’s private jet, a challenge which the actor eagerly accepted. Originally scheduled for early February, the hypothetical rematch has reportedly been pushed back so that Jason Statham can free up his schedule.

NEW YORK – Rex Ryan, the controversial head coach of the NFL’s New York Jets, showed a flash of humility last Sunday when he decided to finally eat his words and recant on promises for a championship season. In an exclusive interview with The Flipside, Ryan tucked his napkin into his shirt and began to chow down.

“I’m the one to blame here,” Ryan said between mouthfuls. Criticism from the local media arose when, once the Jets’ playoff hopes were finished, Ryan opened the spice cabinet and brought out some salt and butter.

Gang Green’s season was officially over with a loss to the Miami Dolphins in week seventeen. “I’ve tasted da feet…I mean, defeat, before…but this was a tough one to swallow,” the coach remarked. “They…I mean, it…left a pretty bitter taste in my mouth.”

At one point in their 2011 campaign, the Jets were 8-5 and on the cusp of being one of the NFL’s elite. Unfortunately for them, Ryan was on that cusp with them, and it subsequently cracked and collapsed.

Some members of the New York faithful are even blaming Ryan for throwing in the towel before the Jets were out of contention. Ryan, however, asserts he did not throw in the towel, brandishing a barbeque-and-ketchup stained napkin as he chewed his salted words: “I have it right here. Clearly not thrown in.”

“Once again, I apologize for letting down my team and the fans,” concluded Rex as he stuffed his face with three years’ worth of words. The Jets will look to wrestle their way out of adversity next year with a big 2012 season. With the 1,500 pound Ryan on their side, it’s tough to imagine them losing.

PYONGYANG -  Intrepid and courageous agents of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea have discovered that Great Successor and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un won the recent GOP Iowa caucus by a 110% margin, a glorious and universal truth hidden by the dastardly imperialist American media. The people of Iowa have expressed their burning desire to live under the guidance of the Wise and Brilliant Leader and wish to defect to the Supreme Awesomeness of The Most Excellent Korean.

Impressed by the corn-growing prowess of The Greatest and Most Devoted Michael Jordan Fan, Iowans flocked to the polls in an effort to free themselves from oppressive American tyranny. The Great Man, Who Is Not Really That Fat graciously accepted this new mandate to bring the divine perfection of communism to Iowa and has already formulated a perfect and infallible strategy to wrest this fertile land from the imperialist pigs.

Furthermore, The Inventor of a Better Mousetrap has announced that he will develop a new strain of corn in honor of this most auspicious occasion. According to a government spokesman, “The Unique and Differently Gifted Leader is anxious to begin the annexation of Iowa into the DPRK and plans to travel there next week, as soon as he returns from his weekend trip to Mars.”

The evil and untrustworthy American government refused to comment on this great victory for The Most Prodigious Consumer of Kimchi.